Be careful what you wish for...

[Farael]

Originally Posted by Hookbill the Goomba

I wish Théoden's horse, Snowmane, had eaten the Witch King's steed.

It had been a harsh Winter in Rohan, no food for the people, much less for the horses... yet they rode off to battle and to the aid of their allies. The Witch King appears in front of Theoden King and Snowmane seizes the oportunity. While being starved by the famine, the horses of Rohan had learned to eat birds and such little animals, so finding the HUGE animal the Witch King was riding on Snowmane could not stop himself from taking a bite. Then another. Then the other horses came in.... by the end of the day, it was actually Snowmane who defeated the Witch King (not a man, so it's still possible). Unfortunately for Theoden, Snowmane then decided to roll over and lay on his back as he was pretty satisfied and crushed the King under him.

I wish Legolas had been named High King because of a mistake by Gandalf

[The Elf-warrior]

I wish Legolas had been named High King because of a mistake by Gandalf

Your wish is granted. But when he announced that he was engaged to Mary-Sue his royal council gave him an ultimatum: either cancel his engagement or abdicate. Legolas abdicated and moved back to Mirkwood with his bride. Aragorn became the new High King. But King Thranduil disinherited Legolas, who moved to Ithilien. He sailed to the Lonely Isle twenty years later after Mary-Sue was killed by a hunter who thought she was a wild cow.

I wish that Turin hadn't married his sister.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Originally Posted by The Elf-warrior

I wish that Turin hadn't married his sister.

Your wish is Richard E Granted.
Instead of marrying his sister, Turin marries himself. This bizarre relationship goes to the extreme when he confronts Glarung and speaks as if he is two people. It goes something like this:

Glaurung: Hail Turin, son of Hurin.

Turin: I'll kill you, wym! Yeah, me too! And then you'll be sorry.

Glaurung: ...

Tutin: Don’t try anything funny, or I'll gut you! He'll do it! He's insane. Don't call me insane! Just try and stop me! All right, that's it! Go on then, see if I care!

Only, slightly worse.

I wish there were Hobbit Tramps in Hobbiton.

[Valesse]

I wish there were Hobbit Tramps in Hobbiton.

I don't even want to know why.

So Hobbiton becomes Harleton and all of a sudden that One hundred and eleventh birthday becomes a -little- bit more exciting. Considering his age and obvious pending heart conditions once Bilbo gives up the ring he drops dead at his little round door (much to the horror of Frodo.)

A huge contravercy starts up about "who murdered Old man Baggins" when the question is raised why Gandalf even goes there in the first place. After a bit of stammering (and giggles from the less desirable crowd) Gandalf explains that he is the Middle Earth version of an anthropologist (not in his words) and even though he was alone with Mr. Baggins had no affect on his untimely end.

Uh-huh. Riiiight.

Of course... with no more Bilbo Frodo feels no need to travel with him and remains in Bag End growing fat and old to the glee of his neighbors. That is... until Gandalf returns to throw the ring into the fire. Now the time has come for Frodo to leave Hobbiton and move to Cricket Hallow.

"B-but what about my one hundred and eleventh birthday!" squeaked the corpulent Frodo Baggins.

Peeking over the hedge Sam hissed back in "Get Rosie to dance!"

I wish Elladan and Elrohir were avid wrestlers with a very poor sense of timing.

[Farael]

I wish Elladan and Elrohir were avid wrestlers with a very poor sense of timing.

1...2...3... Granted!! Although it only works in the movie version of what I am about to tell.
The army of the free people of Middle Earth was outside the Black Gates, facing an army that overwhelmed them in sheer numbers. Everything seemed lost when, with a loud "pufft" the ring fell into the fires of Mt. Doom and everything done by Sauron collapsed. The Black Gates caved in and fell into a huge, bottomless pit that had just formed, along with half of the now defeated Sauron's army. For some odd reason the Gondorian army was spared... most of it anyway.
Elladan and Elohir, feeling dissapointed that the battle lasted such little time decided to start one of their random wrestling bouts. At the same time, Aragorn was walking over to the bottomless pit to see what had happened. Elladan grabbed Elohir on a head-lock, Elohir kicked hard and accidentally tripped Aragorn into the bottomless pit. He has not reached the bottom yet. Odds are, he never will. Bottomless, y'know

I wish Sauron had another weakness besides destroying the ring.... I wish he had been terribly alergic to starfish

[Kitanna]

Originally Posted by Farael

I wish Sauron had another weakness besides destroying the ring.... I wish he had been terribly alergic to starfish

Granted, but what a pity there are so few starfish in Mordor. But when the free peoples heard of this they spent all their time trying to find just one starfish. Once they did they had the eagles drop it off on the step of Barad-Dur, thus evil was defeated and a starfish feast ensued.

I wish Gandalf had a split-personality.

[Valesse]

Originally Posted by Kitanna

I wish Gandalf had a split-personality.

oh fo' sho.

To the simpathetic Istari Gandalf might be called either Gandalf the Grey.. Gandalf the White.. or Brandon the slightly Desert-Sage.

His many travels into the land of the Shire were riddled with mystery, as he was, quite mysterious personality-wise. None of the hobbits were able to quite pin down what the Big person meant when he would mutter "toddle off and scent your own tea!" for instance... or "Confounded fool! you misplaced my rune-stamp again!" as there was very obviously no one there that he was speaking to.

Being perticularly dominate, Gandalf held his own during Bilbo's adventures and retreated into the Wilder Country when, much to his shame, Brandon decided to act up. In Rivendell Elrond expelled Brandon (and in affect Gandalf) from the Council many a time for loudly humming showtunes to himself.

It was, however, in Moria Brandon and Gandalf were to make their mark on history. Brandon the slightly Desert-Sage, it seemed, had an obsession with collecting antiques and just who would he be without an heirloom from the Second Age? In an act of desperation he pulled Frodo away from the rest of the company by the chain around his neck but tripped over an ill-placed dwarvian flute.

The Fellowship, now hopelessly lost, were overcome by an onslaught of orcs and loud, lingering "Eeeeee!" and pathetic whimpering sounds coming from a very deep ravine.

I wish the Fellowship members were all on a strictly sushi diet.

[Kitanna]

Originally Posted by Valesse

I wish the Fellowship members were all on a strictly sushi diet.

GRANTED! But it makes them all very testy. Every little thing bothers them and many fights break out due to lack of different foods. They decide to end the suishi diet after stoning Legolas to death because he was eating an apple instead of sushi.

I wish Merry was a NASCAR driver.

[JennyHallu]

*POOF!*

As the first ever NASCAR racer to need pedal extensions, the rookie Meriadoc Brandybuck had a built-in fan base in TGWBS and other vertically challenged individuals. Unfortunately, his career was short lived when he discovered why the officials frowned upon his habit of sitting on a all-too-flammable telephone book in order to see over the wheel, as well as his refusal to wear flame retardant shoes...

No more fuzzy hobbit...


I wish that Boromir played football.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Originally Posted by JennyHallu

I wish that Boromir played football.

Whoosh! Your wish is granted! Boromir plays Football. unfortunately, no one in Middle Earth does, save for the stone giants. So he challenges them to a game. It goes to a penalty shootout and Boromir breaks his foot when he trips over. The Stone giants laugh so hard that they fall on top of him and squish him.

I wish Shelob had got her own mini series after The Lord of the Rings.

[Farael]

Originally Posted by Hookbill the Goomba

I wish Shelob had got her own mini series after The Lord of the Rings.

"Aqui esta, y ya lo ves, Miss Shelob ella es!" And that was the catch phrase of the new SHELOB mini-series. Sadly, it was in Spanish and the "common tounge" of Middle Earth strangely resembles English, not Spanish. It wasn't quite a hit, so Shelob made as Ungoliant and ate all the light of the world. It took a while, but since she was on TV for a while, people would let her into their houses and steal the light quite easily. After all of the Fellowship's efforts, the world WAS covered in a second darkness after all.

I wish Legolas was still alive, still living in "Middle Earth" (which now is what we call "Planet Earth") and posting on the 'downs

[The Elf-warrior]

I wish Legolas was still alive, still living in "Middle Earth" (which now is what we call "Planet Earth") and posting on the 'downs

Your wish is granted. But when it was revealed that The Barrow-Wight was Legolas mass chaos erupted. The news reached the New York Times with the headline, "Stern forum moderater is Legolas." His house was mobbed by fangirls and others who wanted to talk with a member of the Fellowship of the Ring. But he was not there. He had fled to the woods of West Virginia. At least the Balrog wing debate was solved because of The Barrow-Wight's vote in the Balrog wing poll. But The Phantom became the new moderater and the members yearned for the days of The Barrow-Wight.

I wish Saruman hadn't turned bad.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Originally Posted by The Elf-warrior

I wish Saruman hadn't turned bad.

Your wish is granted. He takes up Tennis instead of becoming evil. He turns all of Isenguard into a giant Tennis stadium and plays endlessly against Gandalf and the other Istari. Gandalf is distracted by the final of the Saruman Cup and does not warn Bilbo about giving away the Ring and so takes it to Rivendell.
Sauron attacks Rivendel and Bilbo is cast out for being selfish. The Dark lord regains the Ring and launches an all out attack on Middle Earth. Gandalf doesn’t finish his game against Saruman and returns to Valinor and sulks.

I wish The Balrog had decided to be civil and not tried to kill the Fellowship. Offering them a cup of tea instead.

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

I wish The Balrog had decided to be civil and not tried to kill the Fellowship. Offering them a cup of tea instead. (Dr. Hoo)

Your wish is granted. The Fellowship decides to have tea with the Balrog. Their stay lengthens to a week, and then a month. Frodo quickly becomes good friends with the Balrog, impressed by his charm and wit. The Balrog then declares that he is actually a she, a sister of Arien (who, after all, is also a spirit of fire, albeit uncorrupted). Frodo's affection turns to love, and they get married on top of Zirakzigil, in a ceremony done by Gandalf.

When Frodo was about to put the Ring (yes, the One Ring!) on the Balrog's finger, a Nazgûl takes the Ring, Gandalf suddenly uncloaks, and Pippin throws himself in next time. Utter confusion!

I wish Huan just laid the smackdown on Sauron.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Originally Posted by Nilpaurion Felagund

I wish Huan just laid the smackdown on Sauron.

Granted. He lays 'the smackdown' on Sauron. 'The smackdown', of course, being a secret of Huan's for making toasted cheese. He lays the cheese on wolf Sauron who accepts this gift and they share it with Luthien. She turns out to be lactose intolerant and swells up like a balloon and floats away for some reason. Huan and Sauron become best friends.

I wish the three Troll's mothers had appeared in The Lord of the Rings for revenge!

[The Elf-warrior]

I wish the three Troll's mothers had appeared in The Lord of the Rings for revenge!

Your wish is granted. They came to the Barrow-downs but the Barrow-wight sent them away because he hated Trolls.

I wish that Pippin was an inveterate practical joker.

[Legolas in spandex]

Originally Posted by The Elf-warrior

Your wish is granted. They came to the Barrow-downs but the Barrow-wight sent them away because he hated Trolls.

I wish that Pippin was an inveterate practical joker.

Your wish is granted, but he put a banana peel beneath you as you travel on the mountains of Mirkwood and you slip off and fall to your death.

I wish that there would be a section of LotR where the lady elves dance to R&B

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Originally Posted by Legolas in spandex

I wish that there would be a section of LotR where the lady elves dance to R&B

Granted. But no one in the whole of middle Earth likes "R&B" and so all the armies in the whole realm attack them. Sauron decides to join forces with Elrond and Galadriel so that they can flatten them all with a thousand million Orcs with earplugs. Unfortunately, after the music is stopped and the elves destroyed, Sauron turns of the other armies and slaughters them all.
Woe!

I wish Sauron had gone on holiday when Melkor wanted to turn him to his will.

[Farael]

Originally Posted by Hookbill the Goomba

I wish Sauron had gone on holiday when Melkor wanted to turn him to his will.

Going once... going twice... it's... granted!!
Melkor, Morgoth or however you fancy calling him was trying to gather all those who could be bent towards evil around him. His first choice for a second in command was this Maiar who went by the name of Sauron. He was mighty among Maiar yet weaker than Morgoth himself.

When Melkor went looking for him, he found that Sauron had gone for a fishing trip with his friend Varda . With his incredible cunning, Melkor decided to try to make Manwe jealous and convince him to join the dark side to "show them all"

And indeed, the Melkor-Manwe duo did show them all. All of them. Even Eru himself.

I wish Balrogs had spikes like a porcupine

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

I wish Balrogs had spikes like a porcupine (Farael)

Wish No. 419 is approved. Morgoth hated what they look like, so much that he smote them all to the ground, and built Enigmas on hang-gliders instead.

The captain of this new force, is of course, Tom Bombadil.

Their singing drove everyone mad. The Music that built the World was irretrievably altered. Eru intervened and destroyed everything, and forgot to exempt himself from his act of destruction.

NOTHING WINS!

I wish Eärnil did not take the challenge of the Witch-King.

[Rune Son of Bjarne]

I wish Eärnil did not take the challenge of the Witch-King.

He did not accept the challenge. Instead he stayed home and wached how his kingdom declined, the other kings of Middle-Earth started calling him names and teasing him. Not only because he was a chiken and his kingdom was on the brink of destruction, but allso did not get any "action". At one point he could not take it anymore and threw him self in the Anduin.


I wish that Finwe was the greatest tap-dancer ever.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Originally Posted by Rune Son of Bjarne

I wish that Finwe was the greatest tap-dancer ever.

Granted. He tap-dances his way into the hearts of all of Middle Earth. Even old Morgoth decides to come and watch him. However, one of the Balrogs gets a little over excited and tries to join him, but only ends up falling on top of him. The Elves get rather annoyed and try to fight Morgoth off. But he consumes them all in fire! Oh dear!

I wish Frodo had found a working London Bus in Mordor.

[JennyHallu]

Originally Posted by Hookbill the Goomba

I wish Frodo had found a working London Bus in Mordor.

Well...I think we could manage that one...

Frodo and Sam are almost run over on their way to Mount Doom by the bus. They decide to take the upper story for novelty and the view, and ride on to Mount Doom in comfort. Unfortunately, they were not the only ones on the bus, and are eaten by some tourist-wargs from the Grey Mountains, who incidentally, went home with some very interesting souvenirs to show their neighbors, as well as a lot of photos of boring flatlands and smokey stuff.

Incidentally, the bus arrived at Mount Doom late.


I wish that Hobbits loved swimming.

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

I wish that Hobbits loved swimming. (JennyHallu)

Going . . . going . . . granted! Hobbits loved swimming so much, they left their hobbit-holes and built houses on rafts. The sea level rose considerably due to the number of (rotund) Hobbits dwelling on the coast of Middle-earth, and many major ports were inundated.

I wish Balrogs had . . . yellow boots.

(Got ya there for a moment, didn't ya? )

[Kitanna]

Originally Posted by Nilpaurion Felagund

I wish Balrogs had . . . yellow boots.

Granted. Balrogs are now very fashionable in their yellow boots. But once word of this reached Tom Bombadil he threatened to sue any Balrog caught wearing yellow boots. He felt their new fashion trend was ripping off his copyrighted look. The case was settled outside of court. The Balrogs agreed to wear Stiletto heels inside of boots. Then everyone was happy. Tom's look remained his and his alone and the Balrogs became the first transvestites of Middle-Earth.

I wish Elrond had taken the Ring from Isildur and become the new Dark Lord.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Originally Posted by Kitanna

I wish Elrond had taken the Ring from Isildur and become the new Dark Lord.

G- g- g- g- g- g- g- g- g- g- granted. He takes the Ring and becomes the most terrible creature imaginable! Unfortunately, he insists that the Barrow Downs is turned into a dumping ground for all of Middle Earth's waste and so all us Wights have nowhere to go to talk of Middle Earth and it's peoples. Incidentally, all Wights are sent to work in the mines. Eventually the Wights lead a revolt against Elrong (as he is called) and bring him down, tossing the ring into Mount Doom and going away with the feeling of a job well done.
Unfortunately, again, the Wights become the NEW masters of Middle Earth, but do not do a good job of it. They spend too much time arguing over whether Balrogs have wings and who Tom Bombadill is, and all of Middle Earth falls into disrepair until all the Wights fade away randomly one day...

I wish Anduril had a happy face drawn on it somewhere among the other symbols.

[JennyHallu]

Granted! A beautiful stylized happy face is etched into the blade just below the pommel. A little known trivia fact is that the face is actual microscopic elvish script saying "Thank you, and have a nice day"

I wish that Arwen wore pants.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Don't forget to quote the wish you are granting.

AND

Remember to make an ironic or comical twist to the granting of the wish!

Originally Posted by JennyHallu

I wish that Arwen wore pants.

Granted. She wears pants. Clown pants. Aragorn cannot look at her without laughing. Eventually se is so humiliated she dives off a cliff and is never seen again... ooohhh. Mysterious!

I wish Wormtoung had been REALY FAT!

[JennyHallu]

Originally Posted by Hookbill the Goomba

I wish Wormtoung had been REALY FAT!

Well I suppose I may be alone in this, but I thought both the idea of Elvish microtext, and "Have a nice day" being written on a sword WAS comic and ironic.

Oh well, I'll grant your wish anyway. *POOF*

Wormtongue was a large beach ball of a man, and resembled nothing so much as a Weeble. Instead of throwing the Palantir out of Orthanc, he threw himself, bouncing cheerfully down the stairs, squishing Gandalf and the company, and floating merrily away upon the waters released by the Ents. Saruman gave him a promotion, and Gandalf&Co. were reinflated only after intensive research and development.

I wish Legolas had been a girl.

[Kitanna]

Originally Posted by JennyHallu

I wish Legolas had been a girl.

Granted. Pity no one could tell the difference.

I wish Galadriel had left Celeborn for Gimli.

[JennyHallu]

I wish Galadriel had left Celeborn for Gimli.

Granted...why else did you think they let Gimli go to Valinor, while poor Celly stayed behind and took care of Lothlorien? Incidentally, Celeborn, in revenge, had a wild fling with Legolass when he finally did catch up with the duo.

I wish Sauron's forces were defeated by Eskimos.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Originally Posted by JennyHallu

I wish Sauron's forces were defeated by Eskimos.

Granted. But when it is reported in "The Gondorian Herald" they state; "Eskimos see off Sauron!" But, as we all know, Eskimos prefer to be called 'Inuits' (is that how you spell it?). And so they lay siege to Gondor and leave it in ruins and so take over Middle Earth in the fashion.

I wish Tom Bombadill had a large collection of wigs that he showed to everyone he met.

[JennyHallu]

I wish Tom Bombadill had a large collection of wigs that he showed to everyone he met.

Oh...okay!

Bombadil was so excited about his wig collection, that he enlisted Goldberry as his lovely model, and toured ME in a wagon (painted purple). His proudest sale was a wig based on the luscious locks of Galadrilyn Monroe to Saruman himself, who wore it every day. He looked so ridiculous his orcs deserted him to form a travelling circus and comedy troupe (as they'd always wanted to), and most of the War of the Rings involved waiting around for Frodo to finish up so life wouldn't be so BORING!

I wish the orcs were all armed with...BANANAS! (Do you know what to do when an orc attacks you with a banana?)

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Originally Posted by JennyHallu

I wish the orcs were all armed with...BANANAS! (Do you know what to do when an orc attacks you with a banana?)

Granted and a half.

The Orcs come charging at the armies of Gondor with great bananas. The Gondorians find this terrible amusing and start rolling around on the floor, laughing themselves into comas. The Orcs get so angry that they begin exploding with rage... literally. The explosion takes out most of south Middle Earth and the north is out of balance and sinks. The Valar plan a party.

I wish Sam had found some taters in Ithilian.

[Celuien]

I wish Sam had found some taters in Ithilian.

Granted. Sam finds taters in Ithilien. Loads of taters, all nice and golden, juicy and crispy. In fact, the best taters ever seen. Even Gollum likes them. He decides to set up shop in Ithilien with a fish 'n chips stand and stays there with Gollum as head waiter. In time, even Sauron hears of Sam's legendary taters and comes to visit. He is so entranced by the flavor that he renounces Dark Lording and nastiness in favor of nice crispy chips, ushering in a new era of peace and prosperity for Middle-earth.

I wish Morgoth had turned out to be a tree-hugging hippy.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Originally Posted by Celuien

I wish Morgoth had turned out to be a tree-hugging hippy.

Yup! Here it go!
Morgoth becomes a tree-loving hippy! However, the Ents do not like him and tell the trees to stay away from him. So now, whenever Morgoth comes near a tree, it flees into the distance. There are many hilarious scenes of Morgoth chasing trees around the wilderness and weeping when they don't come to him.
He is so upset that he goes to Doriath to see if any of those trees will help him, but they all run away, leaving Thingol open to attack... and he is. Orcs, thousands of them, fall upon Doriath and rout the thousand caves until it is little more than a pile of dust.
All because Morgoth wanted a tree friend.

I wish Galadriel grew a beard to imitate Gandalf.

[The 1,000 Reader]

Originally Posted by Hookbill the Goomba

I wish Galadriel grew a beard to imitate Gandalf.

Granted. Galadriel grows a beard. However, since the beard makes the elven woman look like a man, everyone believes that Celeborn is her. Celeborn takes all the credit for what she has done, and so Galadriel lives a unfruitful life. To make matters worse, she is kicked off of Second-Age Survivor for having a beard and getting long hair, even though those reasons don't really have to do with anything.


I wish Denethor tried to freeze himself and Faramir.

[Rune Son of Bjarne]

I wish Denethor tried to freeze himself and Faramir.

ok then.

Denethor desides in all his wisdom that the best bonding expirience ever would be to try an freeze to death with his son. Beeing so wise he soon realises that he does not have the means to do so in Gondor, therefor he takes Faramir with him to the north of the Misty Mountains to die. While they are there Denethor realises that he does not like Faramir at all and desides that it would be better to leave him. The result of this is of course that Faramir looses all his toes do to the frost and later looses in a game of bowling to a random worm.

I wish that Aragorn used his pants as a hat

[The 1,000 Reader]

Originally Posted by Rune Son of Bjarne

I wish that Aragorn used his pants as a hat

Granted.

You'd be pleased to know that Aragorn doesn't have another pair of pants so Arda is blind.


I wish Huan was treated for worms.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Originally Posted by The 1,000 Reader

I wish Huan was treated for worms.

Whatever you say, Jim.

Huan is treated for worms. But, he has an appointment with his doctor at the exact time he was supposed to fight Sauron. Unfortunately, he dies of worms (somehow) during the battle, and Sauron eats luthien. Beren is eaten by a wolf. Doriath doesn’t fall due to Thingol's lust for the Silmarill, but it does because he burns all the trees in his despair.
Nice.

I wish a Barrow Wight had decided to be good and helped Frodo out on the adventure.