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Old 04-17-2008, 04:28 PM   #1
Thenamir
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Monty Python's "There and Back Again"

I had a brainstorm (more like a light drizzle) in a separate thread. Take your favorite scene from The Hobbit or LOTR, and rewrite it as if it had been done by the Pythoners. Here's my example from the other thread: the scene is just after tea with Thorin & Co. at Bilbo's home -- instead of "Break the bowls and crack the plates, we could have this song instead:
Thorin: Just think chaps! We're about to begin the quest to reclaim...The Lonely Mountain!
Dori: The Lonely Mountain!
Bifur: The Lonely Mountain!
Dwalin: (Muttering) It's only a model...
Thorin: Shhh! (A beat passes) Fellow questors, let us ride to...The Lonely Mountain!
(music begins, the dwarves begin to dance and sing)
We're dwarves of the Lonely Mountain
We're breaking all your porcelain
We bend your forks
Like ugly orcs
With intelligence uncertain
We dine well here at Bilbo's
We have toast and jam and Fritos!

We're dwarves of the Mountain Lonely!
Our mines are fine, not homely!
We craft our jools
And act like fools
But can't beat Smaug alone-ly!
We gotta find a burg-a-ler
And not a fearful grocer-ler!

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Old 04-18-2008, 01:13 PM   #2
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Bless you Thenamir - I thought that notion might have legs ....

All together now

"He's not King under the Mountain - he's a very naughty boy!"
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Old 04-18-2008, 03:13 PM   #3
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I was thinking of a "Brave Sir Bilbo" song

Brave, brave sir Bilbo,
brought forth from the Shire
He was not afraid to die, no brave sir Bilbo
He was not in the least bit scared to squashed into jelly
Or to have his body minced, oh, brave Sir Bilbo,
To be roasted on a spit, until his body burns away,
Or be boiled in trolls' water, brave sir Bilbo
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Old 04-18-2008, 04:07 PM   #4
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The sad thing about great ideas is, most of the times, somebody else had them before.....


Monty Python's: The Hobbit

Monty Python's: The Fellowship of the Ring

Monty Python's: The Two Towers

Monty Python's: The Return of the King

(Procrastination Disclaimer: If you intend to do anything productive over this weekend, I advise you to not click on any of these links.)
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Old 04-18-2008, 04:13 PM   #5
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Ai! Oh, well...back to the creative drawing board...

This thread is dead.

No it isn't, it's just restin'.

I tell you this is an ex-thread.

No, no ,no, it's just pinin', pinin' away for the fjords...
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Old 04-18-2008, 04:32 PM   #6
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Of course it's Dead. This is the Downs.

But the fact that the Life of Brian had already been done did not stop the Pythons, did it?

And should the fact that some others have attempted this idea stop us?

Of course not. Because they weren't Downers and didn't do it "our" way. *cue Frank Sinatra*

After all,

Frodo: Strange women lying in ponds distributing lilies is no basis for a system of government!

Tom: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help, help! I'm being repressed!

Merry: "And now for something completey different."

Sam: "Yes. Shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is Sam the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.

Elrond: " First you must find... another shrubbery! (dramatic chord). No, wait! I mean, another firery crack. Then, when you have found the shrubbery, I mean, firery crack, you must place it here, beside this cracked shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get a two layer effect with a little path running down the middle. ("A path! A path!") Then, you must throw it into the path of the crack... with... Herr's Ring!

Gollem: I'm not the Ring-bearer - I'm a very naughty boy.

The Conceited Narrator: This morning, shortly after 11 oclock, comedy struck this little barrow in the Downs . Sudden, violent comedy.
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Old 04-18-2008, 05:14 PM   #7
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Why did I do this? I never wanted to be a thread-killer, I wanted to be... a lumberjack!

Everybody follow Bthberry's advice. When I saw the thread, I just had to post those links.
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Old 04-18-2008, 07:31 PM   #8
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Not wishing to demean the online productions of Monty Python's Hobbit, LotR, et al, but it seems to me they are only aping Python movie sequences and placing them wholesale into Tolkien's plot. Not a very creative exercise. Rather than real meat, we are left with Spam. Spam, Spam and more Spam.

I still like Thenamir's idea and would be glad to continue the concept.

A pythonesque scripting of the Hobbit does not require direct lifts from previous material...after all, it's only a model.
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Old 04-19-2008, 05:07 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by Morthoron View Post
A pythonesque scripting of the Hobbit does not require direct lifts from previous material...after all, it's only a model.
Does that mean that they don't have to go to the Lonely Mountain. It is a silly place.
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Old 05-16-2008, 02:48 PM   #10
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Gandalf: Master Elrond, who do you think we should send with Frodo to accompany him on his quest?

Elrond: I'd like Sam, Legolas, Sam, Sam, Aragorn, Sam, Sam, Sam, Gimli, Sam, and Sam, please.

Gandalf: Don't you think that's too much Sam?

Elrond: Well, it's got less Sam than Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam,
<dwarves begin singing>
Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam,
Wonderful Sam! Glorious Sam!

Gandalf (interrupting): Stop that! None of that! <muttering> Bloody dwarves...
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Old 05-16-2008, 10:17 PM   #11
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Narrator: One morning long ago in the quiet of the world, when there was less noise and more green, the inestimable wizard Gandalf found himself once again at the brightly-painted, round door of the hobbit-hole at Bag-end. Smiling, he raps lightly at the door with his great staff.

*Knock Knock*

Voice from behind the door: 'Ooo is it?

Gandalf: It is I, Gandalf.

Voice from behind the door: 'Ooo?

Gandalf: [clearing his throat] Gandalf...it's Gandalf!

Voice from behind the door: Go 'way, there's nobody 'ome.

Gandalf: Nonsense! I can hear you as plain as day!

*Silence*

Gandalf: [now knocking more persistently] Open up this instant!

Voice from behind the door: We don't want any!

Gandalf: I'm not here to give anyone anything, dash it all! Open up, I wish to speak with Bilbo Baggins!

*Muttering and whispers from behind the door*

Voice from behind the door: 'Ees away on Holiday. Coom back next spring.

Gandalf: This is preposterous! Open up, I say! Open up or I shall turn you into something unpleasant!

*More muttering and whispers, then the door opens to reveal an old hobbit-hag*

Gandalf: Good morning.

Old Hag: Good mornin'? And what's good about it, I should like to know? What with strange old geezers with big, nasty sticks lurkin' about, threatenin' poor innocent folk. I told my 'usband the Shire was goin' to 'ell in a 'andbasket, but did 'ee listen...no!

Gandalf: [looking rather perturbed] By 'good morning' I merely meant to offer you a suitable greeting. I could just as well have said 'hello'.

Old Hag: Better to 'ave said goodbye and be done with it. Goodbye!

Gandalf: Now wait just a moment! Where is Bilbo Baggins? I demand to see him!

Old Hag: You...demand? Well aint that just like a filthy beggar to be puttin' on airs! All high and mighty and not a farthing to clean up those dirty gray rags. We'll just see about this...OTHO! O-T-H-O!

*A distiguished Hobbit appears at the door, wearing a green velvet smoking jacket and fez, and smoking a meerschaum*

Otho: See here, Lobelia, what's all this caterwauling about? You've interrupted my tea.

Lobelia: I'll interrupt more than your tea, you great lummox. This smelly old bugger won't leave. Says 'es 'ere to see Bilbo Baggins. Demandin' to do so, 'ee is!

Otho: Preposterous! Look here, my good man, what are you on about? It seems you've gone and confusticated and bebothered my good wife. The last time she was in such a state, she ended up burnin' the scones.

Lobelia: Scones, scones, scones...if it aint the tea, it's the scones. I get no appreciation 'round 'ere. *begins sobbing*

Otho: There, there, my dear, the last batch of scones was absolutely lovely. They were a triumph.

Lobelia: You...you think so?

Otho: A delight, my dear. Every bit as good as Beladonna Took's.

Gandalf: Excuse me...

Otho: What, are you still here? Be off with you, rapscallion, or I shall be forced to call the Shiriffs! There's laws against loitering I'll have you know.

Gandalf: [sighing in exasperation] Would you be so kind as to tell Bilbo Baggins that Gandalf is here. I was here only yesterday and spoke with him...

Lobelia: Ah, so it was you! Look, Otho, 'ees the one as scratched up the door with those queer markings. Must've used that nasty stick.

Otho: There's laws against defacing private property I'll have you know! You, sir, are a vagrant and a vandal!

Lobelia: Be off with you! Be off a'fore we sic the Bounders on ye!

*Lobelia hits Gandalf squarely in the nose with her bumbershoot*

Narrator: And so Gandalf, abashed by such a brazen attack on his Maiaric personage (albeit disguised in a corporeal manifestation to give him a less ethereal appearance), staggers in uncertainty away from the quaint hobbit-hole at Bag-end, little realizing that the conniving Sackville-Bagginses have been granted power-of-attorney by the high court in Michel Delving, and had poor Bilbo committed for reasons of rowing boats, being seen in the company of frolicking elves, feeding dwarves out of season, and generally behaving in a manner inconsistent with accustomed upper-class Hobbitish practices.

Tune in tomorrow for our next exciting chapter: Bilbo's Bail Out of Bounds
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Old 05-18-2008, 12:11 PM   #12
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The March of the Naugrim of Ered Luin (In D minor...well...actually it's in C, but D minor is a more melancholy note and more appropriate for the basso and baritone voices of the Dwarves; unfortunately, marches of this sort require the diatonic scale and a major chord for the horns and such...)

Narrator: Ahem...

(Oh yes, sorry...without further ado, The March of the Naugrim of Ered Luin, which I patterned off the works of John Phillip Sousa, who is American, I know, but who derived much of his material from English influences....)

Narrator: GET ON WITH IT!

(Yes, certainly...bugger)

BUM-BUM-BUM, BA-BA-BA-BUM-BUM-BUM, BUM-BUM-BUM, BA-BA-BA-BUM-BUM-BUM...

We are the dwarves -- of Thorin's band
Our greedy thoughts now often linger
On the gleam of our gold -- in a far-away land
That slipped right through our stubby fingers
But it weren't our fault -- no, not the least
With Smaug in our vaults -- such a fiery beast
We swallowed our pride and started to run
As he burnt all our kin to kingdom come (repeated by Balin the dwarf in baritone: burnt all our kin to kingdom come)

BUM-BUM-BUM, BA-BA-BA-BUM-BUM-BUM, BUM-BUM-BUM, BA-BA-BA-BUM-BUM-BUM

We are the dwarves -- off to Erebor
We are fierce and full of chutzpah
We are the dwarves -- we're three times four (Dumplin: plus me!)
And our names come from the Vlusp
We shall not cease --nor raise a flagon
'Till we’re either deceased -- or kill the dragon
Then count up the swag when the job is done
And get so sloshed that our beards go numb (repeated by Bombur the dwarf in basso: get so sloshed that our beards go numb)

BUM-BUM-BUM, BA-BA-BA-BUM-BUM-BUM, BUM-BUM-BUM, BA-BA-BA-BUM-BUM-BUM

We are the dwarves -- all revenge and desire
We may be short but we're not lagging
We are the dwarves -- and we're in the Shire
To find a burglar the name of Baggins
And by Gandalf's request -- we'll take him for hire
To join in our quest -- If the blighter desires
He’ll get his share when the deed is done
Under contract for a percentage sum (repeated by Dumplin the dwarf in falsetto: dear little Bilbo with the nice tight bum)

*Brief pause to regroup*

BUM-BUM-BUM, BA-BA-BA-BUM-BUM-BUM...

Under contract for a percentage sum...

BUM-BUM-BUM, BA-BA-BA-BUM-BUM-BUM...

Under contract for a percentage s-u-u-u-u-u-m-m-m-m!


Narrator: Very nicely done!

(You don't think the mention of the Vlusp -- an Icelandic Poetic Edda composed by Snorri Sturluson, circa 1220 A.D. -- is too esoteric a reference for our viewing audience?)

Narrator: Not at all; in fact, I'm sure no one is even paying attention to the lyrics. It's the flashy special effects and the buckets of blood and gore they'll be looking for.

(Oh...alright then)
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Old 05-20-2008, 09:26 AM   #13
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In regards to the casting of an epic of such pythonesque proportions, whom do you think would play the roles from the Hobbit? Obviously, the Python crew is getting on in age (with one cast member sadly deceased), but let's suppose they did a Hobbit send-up right after their Holy Grail send-up. In keeping with Python's flare for multiplicity, each fellow would have several roles in the film:

Gandalf -- Graham Chapman most likely (the 'Charlton Heston' of the group); or perhaps John Cleese.

Bilbo -- Michael Palin? He has sort of that wide-eyed innocence.

Lobelia Sackville-Baggins -- A small part, but I can think of none other than Terry Jones in drag (like his role as Brian's mother) stealing Bilbo's spoons.

Thorin -- Tough one. Any suggestions?

Elrond -- John Cleese as the world-weary Master of the Last Homely House, bored to tears with all the Elvish frivolity (immortality does have its downside, after all).

The Trolls -- A stuttering, cockney Eric Idle, a mumbling Terry Gilliam and perhaps Terry Jones.

Gollum -- Terry Gilliam. No one in the group can distort his face in such a manner as to look disfigured without make-up.

Beorn -- Again, either Chapman or Cleese.

Thranduil -- An effeminate Graham Chapman bedecked in a laurel wreath of autumn leaves.

Bombur -- Well, Terry Jones played a morbidly obese diner in 'The Meaning of Life'.

The Voice of Smaug -- John Cleese? I am sure Terry Gilliam would do the animation.

Thoughts?
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Old 05-20-2008, 01:29 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Morthoron View Post
Narrator: Very nicely done!

(You don't think the mention of the Vlusp -- an Icelandic Poetic Edda composed by Snorri Sturluson, circa 1220 A.D. -- is too esoteric a reference for our viewing audience?)

Narrator: Not at all; in fact, I'm sure no one is even paying attention to the lyrics. It's the flashy special effects and the buckets of blood and gore they'll be looking for.

(Oh...alright then)
Excellent! You have my attention, at least.
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Old 05-20-2008, 02:58 PM   #15
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Excellent! You have my attention, at least.
*The Dark Elf bows*

Hmmm...it seems I've stirred up the spirit of a previous Monty Python production (the Ghost of Hobbitses' Past, I guess you could say). I am glad to have...ummm...maintained your interest.

By the way, nice website you have:

http://www.xenocorp.net/H_bardCorner/xcbard.htm
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Old 05-20-2008, 03:11 PM   #16
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Maybe you could do "The Life of Bilbo" when actaully the person who Gandalf asked for was "Milmo, the son of a Took" (or something along those lines) but he had a cold at the time.
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Old 05-20-2008, 10:05 PM   #17
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Maybe you could do "The Life of Bilbo" when actaully the person who Gandalf asked for was "Milmo, the son of a Took" (or something along those lines) but he had a cold at the time.
Naw, as I stated previously, I don't think doing direct lifts from Python skits is the way to go (particularly since Mr. Hstaphath has done such an admirable job of that in his version of the story). Think 'Pythonesque', not 'Montyfactual'. Consider Python themselves, they did not repeat gags from one movie to the next, but it all had a certain...a special....

[MUSIC]

FATHER: Stop that, stop that! You're not going to do a song while
I'm here. Now listen lad, in twenty minutes you're getting married to
a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain.
HERBERT: But I don't want land.
FATHER: Listen, Alex,--
HERBERT: Herbert.
FATHER: Herbert. We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we
can get.
HERBERT: But I don't like her.
FATHER: Don't like her?! What's wrong with her? She's beautiful,
she's rich, she's got huge... tracts of land.

Ummm...sorry, digressing. What were we talking about again?
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Old 05-21-2008, 12:04 PM   #18
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The thing is Morthoron, there are is always a MOnty Python quote for every occasion.

A short post. No, thats not me!:

Me with dwarvish accent: My record is scratched
The Barrow-Wight: No no, this is a forum!
Me: Ah! My forum is scratched.

(I dare not go on)
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Old 05-21-2008, 04:18 PM   #19
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Quote:
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Hmmm...it seems I've stirred up the spirit of a previous Monty Python production (the Ghost of Hobbitses' Past, I guess you could say). I am glad to have...ummm...maintained your interest.
I am but the shade of the Bard that Was... destined to wander along the haunted paths of Tolkien and Python... to linger wherever those roads should chance to cross.

You've started off wonderfully and I am anxious to see how you get along with this. It is the Pythonesque sort of retelling that, though I enjoy it very much myself, I only dabbled in while writing my parodies. Only a handful of the scenes I wrote were truly Pythonesque rather than Montyfactual, as you rightly put it.

Speaking of Pythonesque and Tolkien, this is rather good:
http://fan.theonering.net/writing/st...l_monty15.html

Quote:
Originally Posted by Macalaure View Post
Everybody follow Bthberry's advice. When I saw the thread, I just had to post those links.
I, as well, agree with Bthberry! Otherwise, everyone would be named "Bruce" before you could grab your egg and fours.

By the way, thanks for the "shout-out" Macalaure.
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Old 05-22-2008, 07:02 PM   #20
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Originally Posted by Hstaphath View Post
I am but the shade of the Bard that Was...
Hmmm...a rather melancholy minstrel in the gallery, or perhaps a marred bard? Well, you know what they say...some things in life are bad, they can really make you mad; other things just make you swear and curse. When you're chewing on life's gristle, don't grumble, give a whistle, and this'll help things turn out for the best...ummm...sorry, drifting again.

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You've started off wonderfully and I am anxious to see how you get along with this. It is the Pythonesque sort of retelling that, though I enjoy it very much myself, I only dabbled in while writing my parodies. Only a handful of the scenes I wrote were truly Pythonesque rather than Montyfactual, as you rightly put it.
I am waiting to see if anyone else is going to join in.

*The Dark Elf holds up a large placard with the embossed words 'SUBTLE HINT'*
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Old 05-23-2008, 02:04 PM   #21
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The Council of Silly Walks

Frodo, aka Silly Walker: I have a silly walk and I'd like to obtain a Gondor grant to develop it.

Boromir: Now wait a minute. One does not simply silly walk into Gondor.

Frodo: Well, you're obviously the cruel heartless bastard.

Elrond: Behold Frodo's Bane!

Boromir: Now wait a minute. I was not sent to spend any money, simply to seek the meaning of a riddle.

Sam: *off side* I"m the sweet, slightly ineffective lower middle class one.

Frodo: Four hundred years ago Isildur died for want of a silly walk. Now I'm suggesting we make an advance.

Aragorn: An advance? One does not simply make silly advances to lovely ladies.

Gimli: You learnt that when she turned you into a newt?

Aragorn: Oyi, but I got better.

Frodo: It's my duty as the Silly Walker to sample as much peril as I can.

Gandalf: Okay, but it'll only be a flesh wound.

exit stage left, followed by a little bit of peril
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Old 05-23-2008, 02:21 PM   #22
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exit stage left, followed by a little bit of peril
Frodo (appearing suddenly): Hey, I want a bit of peril!

Elrond: who was hiding behind a chair the whole time: No, its lucky I saved you!

Frodo: Well, you have a ring of your own!

Elrond: No I don't.. well... I do, but you're not supposed to know that.
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Old 05-23-2008, 07:40 PM   #23
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Boots The Council of Silly Talks, part iii

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Frodo (appearing suddenly): Hey, I want a bit of peril!

Elrond: who was hiding behind a chair the whole time: No, its lucky I saved you!

Frodo: Well, you have a ring of your own!

Elrond: No I don't.. well... I do, but you're not supposed to know that.
Frodo: Ohh, let me see yours. Is it as nice as mine?

Elrond: No, you can't have it. It's not healthy.

Frodo: You're gay, aren't you?

Elrond. No, that was Priscilla.
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Old 05-23-2008, 09:38 PM   #24
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An Unexpected Party, Part I

Narrator: And so Gandalf, having conjured up a writ of Habeas Corpus (as well as disintegrating the stubborn judge's gavel with a flash of lightning), managed to secure Bilbo Baggins' release from unlawful detention. The Sackville-Bagginses were, of course, sacked, and the relieved Bilbo once again found himself alone in the cozy environs of his quaint hobbit hole. Setting a kettle on the hob, Bilbo sat back in his chair and gingerly nibbled a biscuit.

*Knock, knock*

Bilbo: Now who can that be? Ah yes, it's Wednesday, and Gandalf said he'd be by.

*Opens the door*

Bilbo: Greetings Gandalf, how are...wait a moment, who the 'ell are you?

Dwalin: Dwalin at your service. [the dwarf in a dark-green cape bows grandly]

*Uncomfortable silence*

Dwalin: I am here for a meeting.

*Uncomfortable silence*

Dwalin: Errr...At Gandalf's request.

Bilbo: Right...in you go then. I'm about to take tea and have some cakes, would you care to join me?

Dwalin: I thought you would never ask. I am starving.

*The dwarf hangs up his cape on a peg and bowls Bilbo over in a rush to reach the cakes*

*Knock, knock*

Bilbo: [Picking himself off the ground] Excuse me, Dwalin, I'll be right with you! [opens the door] Gandalf, I really...

*A white-haired dwarf in a scarlet hood bows*

Balin: Greetings! Balin at your service! Ah, I can see by the green hood that they have begun to arrive! Is that seed-cake I smell? Don't worry, I'll help meself. I hope you have some beer in your cellar.

*Balin puts his hood on a peg next to Dwalin's and storms off down the hallway*

Bilbo: [pitifully] They? Begun to arrive?

*Knock, knock*

Bilbo: This better damn well be Gandalf!

*Two more dwarves force their way through Bilbo's door, hanging two blue hoods on the pegs*

Fili and Kili: We are Fili and Kili at your...

Bilbo: Yes, yes, you're at my bloody service. Off with you then.

*The two dwarves stamp down the hall*

*Knock, knock*

Bilbo: Oh for the love of...

*Bilbo opens the door to find a dwarf in a pink hood*

Dumplin: HI! You must be Bilbo! Oooh, such an erotic name. I am Dumplin, at your service. [winks]

*Bilbo opens his mouth to speak, but is speechless*

Dumplin: I'll just follow the others and get a bite to eat. Do you have a latte? Oh, never mind, I'll make some myself. Oh my dear, we have so much to talk about. I am intrigued by hobbits and their big feet. You know what they say... [winks again]

*The dwarf pinches Bilbo's bottom as he passes*

*knock, knock*

Bilbo: What the...

*A horde of dwarves in variously colored hoods mob his doorway*

Bilbo: And just who are all of you?

Gloin: We are the dwarves of limited speaking roles, at your service. Bit actors and carnies mostly. There's so few decent parts for we dwarves as of late, what with CG animation taking away all the Oompaloompa roles in Charlie and the Chocolate factory.

Dori: That Tim Burton bastard.

Gloin: At least this gig pays union scale, and is not some dwarf-tossing event at the local county fair.

Dori: Dwarf-bowling's even worse.

Bilbo: [rolls eyes] Come in, come in...I am Bilbo Baggins...at your service! The rest of your herd are already raping my pantry. What's a few more?

*The dwarves cheer and swarm over Bilbo, and soon there is the sound of clinking mugs and cracking plates*

*knock, knock*

Bilbo: Oh, please be Gandalf!

*An immensely fat dwarf stands panting on Bilbo's porch*

Bilbo: And you are?

Bombur: Hungry!

Bilbo: Of course you are. Come on in! I am sure there are a few cattle I can wrangle up for you.

Narrator: And so, a dismayed Mr. Baggins goes about serving the ravenous dwarves, who have started eating the rush seats off his kitchen chairs.
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Old 05-26-2008, 10:45 AM   #25
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An Unexpected Party, Part II

Narrator: Even with the eventual arrival of Gandalf the Gray and Thorin Oakenshield, an immensely important leader of the dwarves (and quite nattily attired, I must say), the ransacking of Bilbo's hobbit-hole continued unabated.

*Sounds of tables overturning, glass breaking and drunken laughter*

Bilbo: Please be careful with that...

*A dwarf hurls a plate like a Frisbee to another dwarf sitting across the table*

Bilbo: Don't use that one, please, it's my Battle of Greenfields Bicentennial Commemorative mug!

* A dwarf crushes the mug against his forehead*

Dwalin: More ale, Bilbo!

Balin: And more cakes!

Bombur: And more meat!

Dumplin: And more cleavage! [the dwarf ogles Bilbo's opened collar]

Bilbo: [quickly buttoning his shirt] Please, my good dwarves, please do be more careful!

*The Dwarves break out into song*

Chip the glasses and break the plates
Carve obscenities into the table
That's what Bilbo Baggins hates
Plunder the cupboards and switch the labels

Spread grease upon the kitchen walls
Vomit all over the welcome mat
Play rugby up and down the hall
Break the bottles and bury the cat [a cat shrieks]

Burn the tapestries, molest the sheep [plaintive bleating]
Piddle down the cellar stairs
That's what makes poor Bilbo weep
Torture the houseplants and crucify hares [quick animation of a rabbit on a cross with a Gregorian chant as background music]


*Gandalf's mighty voice rises above the din like thunder*

Gandalf: Enough! That will be quite enough of that!

*A dwarf falls from a chandelier*

Gandalf: [In a more businesslike manner] Now, we have urgent business to attend to...
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Old 05-26-2008, 11:02 AM   #26
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*Bethberry steps in briefly with an observation*

This is sounding entirely too much like Withnail and I. I do hope Gandy won't turn out to be an Uncle Monty.
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Old 05-26-2008, 03:15 PM   #27
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*Bethberry steps in briefly with an observation*

This is sounding entirely too much like Withnail and I. I do hope Gandy won't turn out to be an Uncle Monty.
*Shrugs*

I've never seen the movie (to be honest, I've never heard of it until you mentioned it -- blame it on my American naivety), but I take it your comment is entirely negative in that regard. Reading the summarization of the plot, I'm not seeing the similarities.

And no, based on the summarization I don't believe Gandalf will bear a resemblance to 'Uncle Monty', although I do see the part filled by Graham Chapman (who was of course gay in real life, but rarely played one in MP skits).
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Old 05-26-2008, 03:32 PM   #28
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*Shrugs*

I've never seen the movie (to be honest, I've never heard of it until you mentioned it -- blame it on my American naivety), but I take it your comment is entirely negative in that regard. Reading the summarization of the plot, I'm not seeing the similarities.

And no, based on the summarization I don't believe Gandalf will bear a resemblance to 'Uncle Monty', although I do see the part filled by Graham Chapman (who was of course gay in real life, but rarely played one in MP skits).
Oh dearie me, referencing a movie from too long ago for the newer members. I did see Withnail and I in North America at an American movie chain theatre, so am quite positive it did have an NA release. And so now, faced with the humiliation of having to explain it all.... ah, ah, well. You are incorrect, though, that my observation was negative. So that's two strikes against my post. Might as well give up and return to silent lurking . . .

Carry on, gang.
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Old 05-26-2008, 04:06 PM   #29
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So that's two strikes against my post. Might as well give up and return to silent lurking . . .
No, I can appreciate criticism, I just didn't understand the context it was framed in. After all, I would hate to think my posts were derivative...

Ummm...other than the bold-faced mimicry of the style of a satiric comedy troop making a farcical movie that apes a fantasy story (allegorical only on a subsumed basis) which contains elements of pre-existing mythology and a faint veneer of Catholicity.

Other than that, there should be nothing derivative whatsoever.
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Old 06-03-2008, 02:32 PM   #30
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An Unexpected Party, Part III

Narrator: Gandalf, having quieted the rabble-rousing dwarves, gave the floor to the immensely important dwarf, Thorin Oakenshield, who got his nick by swatting Orcs with the branch of an oak tree, which, of course, bears little resemblance to a shield (either the round buckler variety or the more substantial medieval heater shield)...

Thorin: Ahem...

Narrator: Oh yes, please begin.

Thorin: We are gathered here on this most auspicious of occasions to discuss, debate and otherwise converse in a high-minded and grave manner regarding the pitfalls, perils and myriad dangers the journey which we shall be soon undertaking is so decidedly fraught with...

Bilbo: [whispering to Gandalf] Does he always talk like that?

Gandalf: [whispering back to Bilbo] Shhhh! It's far better than his singing!

Thorin: ...Death will be a welcomed release for many of us who choose to trod on this most hazardous adventure...

Bilbo: [whispering to Gandalf] God, I'm glad I have no part in this.

Thorin: ...And I am most grateful that our newly-hired burglar has chosen to risk his very life and limb for we dwarves in the pursuit of our lost legacy...

Bilbo: [whispering to Gandalf] Hah, what idiot would go and risk his life for a bunch of flea-bitten dwarves?

Thorin: And so, my good dwarves, three cheers for Mr. Bilbo Baggins!

Bilbo: Wha?

Dwarves: HUZZAH! HUZZAH! HUZZAH!

Bilbo: I beg your pardon, but...

Thorin: And now I believe it's time for a song!

Gandalf: Oh no, not another song!

Thorin: [Blows a pitch pipe, but hums off-key] Ahem, excuse me...

*Thorin begins singing in a deep, rich tone*

In caverns deep in days of old
We built our keeps of solid gold
Labor was cheap, we bought and sold
With laissez-faire our motto

The market trade went up and down
But we got paid in golden crowns
The arms we made gained high renown
And booty filled our grottoes

Never hunted deer or herded sheep
We had kegs of beer and slabs of meat
Men supplied near all we could eat
And Hobbits sent po-ta-toes

But in every dwarf’s life a little rain must fall
And that is why it does us well to recall…

Hit it…


*The dwarves break out saxes, trumpets, trombones, tubas, banjos and harmonicas seemingly from thin air and start playing a swing-blues number*

This here’s the story ‘bout Smaug the Deathless
His breath so fiery it’d leave you breathless
He was the meanest old dragon spawn
And he burnt up the dwarves until we was gone

Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho (Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho)
Us dwarves are sho’ 'nuf' po' (Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho)
Oh-Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho
It’s off to work we go (Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho)

He went and ‘et up the King under the mountain
He’s gone and defiled our drinking fountains
He drove us dwarves so far, far away
We sing the Lonely Mountain Blues till this very day

Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho (Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho)
Us dwarves are sho’ ‘nuf po’ (Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho)
Oh-Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho
So it’s off to work we go (Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho)

Now we is exiled, and wherever we roam
We aint got no hearth, we aint got no home
Now we’s off on our journey ‘ere the break of day
To find that buggerin’ old Smaug and make him pay

Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho (Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho)
Us dwarves are sho’ ‘nuf po’ (Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho)
Oh-Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho
So it’s off to work we go (Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho)

Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho (Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho)
It’s off to work we go (Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho)
Oh-Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho
Us dwarves are sho’ ‘nuf po’
Sho’ ‘nuf
Sho’ ‘nuf
Sho’ ‘nuf po’
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Old 06-09-2008, 11:53 AM   #31
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And now for something completely different...

"One-eyed dark lords distributing rings is no basis for a system of government..."
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Old 06-12-2008, 10:07 PM   #32
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Roast Mutton, Part I

Narrator: Bilbo awoke the next morning with a pounding headache. All the previous night the dwarves and Gandalf had spoken in low whispers regarding the dragon, Smaug, of the far-off Lonely Mountain, and the burgling of the treasure that was to be done by the reluctant Bilbo.

Bilbo: Thank goodness, it was all a bad dream! Probably brought on by an undigested bit of beef.

*A scantily clad hobbit-maid enters Bilbo's bedchamber bearing a tray with hot tea and a steaming breakfast*

Bilbo: Hello...who are you?

Bawdy: Don't be silly, dear Bilbo! I am Bawdy...Bawdy Brandybuck, the contractually obligatory Hollywood love-interest. One can't very well have an epic movie now-a-days without a love interest, even if it has no bearing on the story itself, nor has anything whatsoever to do with the original plot.

*A quick shot of Dumplin the dwarf, who says: "But I thought I was the contractually obligatory Hollywood love-interest!"*

Bilbo: I see...

Bawdy: Yes, and I've practiced my forlorn, teary-eyed face all weekend for when you depart on your silly adventure. See?

*Bawdy makes a forlorn, teary-eyed face*

Bilbo: Yes, of course. Nicely done.

Bawdy: Thank you. One can almost sense me pining, can't one?

Bilbo: Right.

Bawdy: Would you like to see the winsome, sultry face I'll be doing for the flashback sequences?

Bilbo: No, that won't be necessary. Look, who did you say you were again?

Bawdy: I am Bawdy Brandybuck, your cousin twice-removed on your mother's side, and thrice removed on your father's. I guess you could say I have a little of you in me at both ends. [smiles wistfully]

Bilbo: [mouth agape] Right.

Bawdy: Oh dear, I had almost forgotten, Gandalf left you a letter...

*Bilbo snatches the letter and quickly rips it open*

Gandalf: My Dearest Bilbo: By now you will have realized that last night was not, in fact, a dream, but rather the beginning of a long, hard road...

*Bawdy tossles Bilbo's hair*

Gandalf: We shall endeavor to throttle the serpent with both hands...

*Bawdy caresses Bilbo's leg and gives him a peck on the cheek*

Gandalf: We must come at him with everything we've got...

*Bawdy kisses Bilbo's neck*

Gandalf: We shall not finish until the deed is done...

*Bilbo reaches over to kiss Bawdy*

Gandalf: BILBO! ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION?

*Bilbo snaps out of his reverie and continues reading*

Gandalf: Now, you are already late, it's almost noon and the dwarves and I have already started our march. You must leave immediately!

Bilbo: Drat!

Gandalf: AND NO BACK TALK!

*Bilbo sighs, pushes Bawdy aside and hurriedly starts dressing*

Bawdy: [distressed] But, but you can't go yet...we haven't...haven't...

Bilbo: [distractedly, as he pulled on his breeches] Haven't what?

Bawdy: We haven't...bumped uglies.

Bilbo: [Still distracted] Well, I'm sorry, m'dear, I've no time for bumping uglies or bumping anything else for that matter. Gandalf is a wizard, after all, and he's far too dangerous when he is angered. Now, goodbye my dear, I must run!

Bawdy: BILBO! [Gives her best forlorn, teary-eyed face]

*Bilbo runs out the door without so much as a good-bye*

Bawdy: Blimey! Well, if that don't beat all!

*Bawdy lays back in the bed and sighs*

Bawdy: Alright Gaffer, you can come out now.

*Gaffer Gamgee jumps out of a wardrobe and falls into the waiting arms of Bawdy*

Narrator: And so Bilbo has run off on his adventure, leaving poor Bawdy Brandybuck...errrr...pining in the bedchamber. As Biblo runs panting along the road, he realizes that in his haste to be away, he has left many important items behind, essentials that he is never without when off on a journey: his walking stick, his handkerchiefs, his handy shaving kit with travel toothbrush and nose-hair tweakers. But worst of all...he has forgotten to bump uglies!

Bilbo: ARRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!
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Old 07-01-2008, 10:47 PM   #33
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ROAST MUTTON, PART II

Narrator: Thus, Bilbo and the dwarves trudged off and left the heart of the Shire (with Gandalf astride a great white horse leading the way.)

Bombur: Why's 'ee get to ride a horse while we walk?

Narrator: Because that particular stallion was the only one the production team could afford with this film's limited budget. Would you like a pair of coconut shells to simulate the clip-clop of horse's hooves?

Bombur: Ummm...what's a coconut?

Narrator: Never mind. As I was saying, the determined group of travelers left the Shire. Minutes turned into hours, hours into days, and it became very cold and wet, and the lands became strange and rather empty (hence, I suppose, why one calls them the 'Lonelands'). It was getting on towards evening, and the rain was becoming torrential. Cold, bedraggled and soaking, the intrepid group of adventurers decided to stop for the night.

Balin: Drat! I can't seem to light a fire.

Dwalin: Could be because everything's sopping wet.

Thorin: [Rolls eyes] You think? By the way, where's that confounded Gandalf ran off to?

Balin: I haven't seen him for hours.

Bombur: Probably was the only one who got proper accomodations due to the production team's limited budget. Pffft!

Bilbo: [Sighing] Well, it would help if he were here.

Balin: Why? Is he flammable?

Bilbo: Yes...no...I mean he's very adept with fireworks, perhaps he could get a fire started.

Thorin: That's all very well, Mr. Baggins, but it seems the wizard has flown the coop, and we'll just have to rely on our own vast expertise. We dwarves are very resourceful in the wild, you know.

[Thorin and Bilbo watch in dismay as Balin and Dwalin blow furiously on logs immersed in a puddle]

Bilbo: I wish I'd brought my Zippo.

Thorin: Is that some newfangled Hobbitish invention?

Bilbo: No, actually it's my cousin, Zippo Baggins. Very good at starting fires; unfortunately, he was arrested for arson in Hobbiton....

Bombur: Hey, look over there! I think I see a light, there through the trees!

Thorin: I do believe you are right, Bombur. Why, it looks like a bonfire! Fili, Kili, I want you to go investigate immediately.

[Silence]

Thorin: Well? Aren't you going to answer me!

Gloin: Sorry chief, as union steward for the dwarves with limited speaking roles, I must tell you that, contractually, Fili and Kili have already used their single line of dialogue for this film. You'll just have to get someone else to do it.

Thorin: Cursed unions! Ah well, Mr. Baggins, I suppose you had better go and reconnoiter the situation. We're not paying you to sit about when there's burgling and...reconnoitering...to be done.

Bilbo: But you haven't paid me anything!

Thorin: Nonsense! You've eaten our food, haven't you?

Bombur: Not to mention loungin' in these here deluxe accomodations!

Bilbo: But I am cold and wet!

Dumplin: Never you worry, Bilbo dear, I'll keep you warm. [bats his eyes]

Bilbo: Right then. I'll be off.

Narrator: Stay tuned for further adventure in the third part of Roast Mutton, right after a message from our sponsor, Johnson's New and Improved Navel Cleaner:

Way down in your belly button
There's such a nasty clog of lint
That your wife is knitting stockings
And hasn't even made a dent.
And your friends call you Rapunzel
Perhaps you really should get the hint
Buy a product that dissolves your problem
It shall certainly be money well spent....
NEW AND IMPROVED NAVEL CLEANER!
Look for the bright blue scoop today!
By Johnson's (a Fungal Pharmaceutical Company)!
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Old 07-06-2008, 03:07 PM   #34
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ROAST MUTTON, PART III

Narrator: Bilbo set off to discover the source of the strange light in the woods, followed for a bit by the dwarves (who didn't wish to appear cowardly, nor miss out on a chance to bag some easy swag, if the proper circumstances presented themselves). Needless to say, after a long trek through the bracken and brush (and grumbling all the way), the dwarves stopped a goodly distance from their goal, leaving Bilbo the burglar to practice his appointed profession without their interference, but not until Thorin gave Bilbo some sage advice:

Thorin: Now, be careful, but do not hesitate.

Bilbo: Yes.

Thorin: Just get a lay of the land, so to speak, and then come back.

Bilbo: Alright then.

Thorin: But don't take overlong.

Bilbo: Certainly.

Thorin: If trouble should arise, make three short warbles like a rosebreasted grosbeak, and then a series of mating calls like the male piping plover.

Balin: We shall answer in the antiphonal duetting of a bobwhite quail.

Bilbo: Ummm...huh? Do what with a which?

Thorin: Off you go then.

Narrator: Bilbo slunked stealthily through the woods towards the mysterious light, not even daring to breathe. As he approached the clearing, Bilbo indeed saw a roaring bonfire and three figures of giant stature gnawing on great, greasy legs of roast mutton. Even though he had never seen one, Bilbo was convinced these were trolls based on their tremendous size and their gruff voices speaking in a vulgar language that was almost foreign to Bilbo. Even now, the trolls were engaged in an argument:

William: ...but Boethius' Consolation of Philosophy, with its reverent platonism, certainly had a direct effect on Thomistic Scholasticism and even on the works of Chaucer.

Bert: Yes, yes, you and your neoplatonist platitudes. Boethius' work has been largely rejected for a more Aristotleian view, and a modern emphasis on material productiveness.

Tom: Not to mention Boethius' inward looking virtues -- quite foreign these days.

Bert: Yes, that's precisely what I am saying.

William: Yet it is noble to eschew worldly goods such as money and power, and to seek instead internalized virtues.

Bert: But nobility will not feed an empty stomach, Bill m'dear; the more practical applications of Aristotle and the rational search for meaning found in his scientific method...

William: Bah! The scientific method! Just another means by which the military-industrial complex foists its technocracy on the proletariat, subjugating the masses in industrial thrall with the nodding consent of the pretentious bourgeoisie!

Bert: Bloody Marxist Franciscan swine!

William: Capitalist Jesuit hyena!

[The trolls start bashing each other with branches]

Narrator: While the trolls fought among themselves, Bilbo saw a chance to practice his burgling skills, noticing that a large purse was hanging enticingly from William's pocket.

Bilbo: [Talking to himself] Easy now, Bilbo, just slip the purse from the pocket and sneak back to the dwarves, no worse for the wear...

Purse: [in a voice reminiscent of Maurice Chevalier] Vat ees thees? Eet seems I am being -- how you say -- purloined by un petit burglar sans hauteur! Mon dieu! L'aide je suis vol!

William: [Picking up Bilbo by the ankle and suspending him in mid-air] Well, well, my dear chaps, look who's come for dinner.

Tom: Hmmm...he seems a bit on the smallish side, Bill, perhaps we should stuff him in a capon l'orange met sous verre, garnished with leeks and pimento.

Bert: Nonsense, Thomas, he is obviously an hors-d'oeuvre -- a finger food, if you will.

Tom: Fingers and toes, my dear Bertram, fingers and toes!

Bert: Ah, your wit is delicious, brother Tom.

William: Enough of this idle banter, lads! We need to find out exactly what this creature is, and furthermore, if there are more of his ilk skulking about. Now, little fellow, what have you to say for yourself?

Bert: Yes, what are you exactly?

Bilbo: I...I...am a bur...a hobbit.

Tom: A burrahobbit? What species is that precisely? An insect?

Bert: He appears more mammalian, perhaps a rabbit with scabies, what with fur only about his head and toes.

William: Never mind all that, are there more of you about?

Bilbo: Many...None. There are none.

Tom: Now that's a bit paradoxical.

Bert: I should say!

William: Now look, my mammalian appetizer, what do you mean by 'many and none'?

[Just then, Balin walks into the midst of the camp, and is quickly scooped up and bagged by the trolls]

William: Never mind searching for these silly little burrahobbits, my dear fellows, there are dwarves about, I can smell them.

Bert: I just thought you had gas, Bill. You know how mutton disagrees with your digestion.

William: Well, rest assured we won't be having any more mutton. Tonight I shall prepare Dwarf a la Guillame in a nice bordelaise sauce.

[As each dwarf sneaks warily into camp, the lurking trolls pop them into sacks. Soon all thirteen are wriggling and mumbling by the campfire]

Narrator: And so, Bilbo and the dwarves find themselves in a fine stew (or shall be stewed presently), and what of little Nell? Will she find Grandfather before the evil Taskmaster Moriarity sells the farm to her priggish cousin, Deacon Sprague? And will her delicate condition be revealed to her beau, Geoffrey DeBourgeran-Heathcliffe-Wellsley? How will she explain the drunken troop of Portugese sailors and the trapeze in her boudoir? All these questions and more shall be answered in the next thrilling installment.
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Old 07-12-2008, 06:40 AM   #35
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"I shall diminish, and go into the West, and remain Galahad."

Mmm, I'm afraid it would be far too perilous to be on the ins with the Galahadrim.

Better to spend your days with Brave Sir 'Obbit and Sam the Minstrel, the diminutive duo who walked to the gates of Mordor...and bravely ran away.

If you're really keen to risk life and limb (ahem), look to Fangorn. There dwell the Ents Who Used to Say Ni, now the Ents Who Say A-lalla-lalla-rumba-kamanda-lindor-burme. Don't bother about that mightiest tree in the forest, though, it would only upset them; better to use that herring on the hosts of Saruman.
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Old 07-12-2008, 11:55 PM   #36
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ROAST MUTTON, PART IV

Narrator: When last we left our band of intrepid questers, Blibo's feet were near crushed by the wicked trolls and the dwarves were all in sacks, individually wrapped for a homemaker's convenience. Just pop them in boiling water, heat and serve. Voila! You have a tasty and economical meal for even the most trollish of appetites...

Thorin: HMMMMPPPPHHHMMMMPPPHHH!

Narrator: Right. Sorry. The unsuspecting trolls were gleefully preparing for their meal, but they never expected [cue menacing music]...THE SPANISH INQUISITION! Ha-ha-ha, just had to throw that one in there!

Thorin: HMMMMPPPPHHHMMMMPPPHHH!

Narrator: Yes, yes, hold your sack on. As I was saying, little did the unwitting trolls know that even now Gandalf had returned, just in the nick of time!

Thorin: HMMPH-MMH!

Narrator: You're welcome.

A voice like Berts: It was Thomas Jefferson who rightly said, "Take from Plato his sophisms, futilities and incomprehensibilities, and what remains? His foggy mind."

William: [who thought it was Bert speaking] Don't start that argument all over again, Bert, or it'll take all night!

Bert: [who thought it was William speaking] Who's arguing, I should like to know? I thought you had an epiphany and were finally agreeing with Tom and I regarding the modern rejection of Plato.

William: I'll epiphany you all right! Stop arguing, you lout!

Bert: I was not arguing, and I demand you retract you assertion!

William: I shall not!

A voice like Tom's speaking: Well, Friedrich Nietzsche did say "Plato is a bore."

William: [who thought it was Tom speaking] See? Now you've got Tom in on it, with his boorish asides!

Tom: [who thought it was Bert speaking] I'm not in on nothing! But Bert's got a point about Nietzsche's appraisal...and what do you mean by boorish asides?

William: Nietszche? Bah! A syphilitic mental-case mumbling nihilistic aphorisms!

A voice like Bert's speaking: Well, Thomas Aquinas was so grossly obese he should have named his philosophy Elasticism rather than Scholasticism!

William: [who thought it was Bert speaking] Oh, very clever, Bert! Did you think that one up all by yourself, or did you confer with the other buffoon?

Bert: [who thought it was William speaking] Who's the buffoon? You're the idiot arguing with himself, like some contradictory schizophrenic!

Narrator: And so, the philosphical battle of intellectual giants (well, trolls, actually) raged on through the evening, and into the night, and right up to the break of day, when...

William: And isn't that just like an existentialist, trying to get the last posit in...

Bilbo: Well, would you look at that, the trolls have turned to stone!

Gandalf: [appearing from behind some bushes] Of course they turned to stone, dear Bilbo, trolls can't take the sunlight.

Bilbo: I get a rash myself. [suddenly noticing Gandalf's unexpected arrival]. Gandalf! Then it was you throwing your voice that caused the trolls to argue! Hey, wait a minute! Where have you got off to? We nearly drownded in the rain, froze without a fire and were about to be fricasseed by pretentious trolls!

Gandalf: Errrmm...I had to run an important errand.

*FLASHBACK SEQUENCE -- Gandalf mind wanders back to the day spa at Rivendell, with elvish maidens massaging him in a hot tub.*

Bilbo: An important errand? Out here in the wilderness?

Gandalf: [clears his throat] Never you mind, Bilbo. You are, after all, a small person in a large world; while a wizard's toil is great and never ends.

Biblo: Well, yes...of course. Forgive me.

Gandalf: Think nothing of it, dear boy, but lets make haste and get these dwarves out of their sacks. They're near to suffocation, I'd wager.

Thorin: HMMPH-MMH!

Gandalf: My pleasure.

TO BE CONTINUED...
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Old 07-20-2008, 07:33 AM   #37
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CHAPTER III: A SHORT REST, Part I

Narrator: Having handily dispatched the trolls and removed the dwarves from bondage, Gandalf suggested that perhaps the trolls had a hidden cave nearby where they hid from the sun and hid their swag as well.

*Gandalf parts some bushes near a rocky outcropping*

Gandalf: Here's the cave door, but unfortunately it is locked. It is obvious we'll need magic to get this open. I once knew the songs to every Disney animated feature ever produced. [Begins singing a rather off-key version of Lady and the Tramp's 'Bella Notte']

*Several hours later, the door remains locked*

Gandalf: Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay
My, oh my, what a wonderful day
Plenty of sunshine headin' my way
Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay...


Thorin: [sighing] It just doesn't seem to be working, Gandalf.

Gandalf: Hmmm...perhaps a tune from a newer film. [the wizards adopts a French accent, and the dwarves sing along]:

Be our guest
Be our guest
Put our service to the test
Tie your napkin 'round your neck, cherie
And we provide the rest
Soup du jour
Hot hors d'oeuvres
Why, we only live to serve
Try the grey stuff, it's delicious
Don't believe me? Ask the dishes...


Bilbo: Excuse me...

Gandalf and the dwarves: [In a Folies Bergere-style chorus line]

Course by course
One by one
'Til you shout, "Enough! I'm done!"
Then we'll sing you off to sleep as you digest
Tonight you'll prop your feet up
But for now, let's eat up
Be our guest
Be our guest
Be our guest
Please, be our G-U-E-S-T...


Bilbo: Halloo...excuse me, I found this key over by the trolls. Perhaps it will help.

Gandalf: [Taking off a black top hat and replacing it with his conical wizard's cap] Ahem...yes...well...that will do nicely, Bilbo, nicely indeed. [Gandalf irritably grabs the key away from Bilbo]

*The stone door creaks open revealing a dank and dreary, foul-smelling cobwebbed chamber*

Narrator: And so Gandalf, Biblo and Thorin's company crept warily into the cave. The sunlight revealed a trove of oddities and treasures -- aside from the bones of the trolls' previous victims and a good deal of food stuffs stored carelessly about on various shelves, there were brass buttons, pots of gold, SPF 150 sunscreen, introductory makeup kits from Avon, a rather attractive gold lame' evening dress, colorful pumps, ballet flats and sylish stiletto-heeled thigh boots for every occasion, bustierres, chemises, camosoles, teddies...

Gandalf: Ahem...That'll do!

Narrator: Errrmm...right...and in a corner they discovered some marvelous jewel hilted swords with wondrously wrought scabbards. Gandalf kept one, as did Thorin, and they gave Biblo a handsome leather-sheathed dagger of the same make.

Gandalf: Hmmm...These are no ordinary swords. They are of a marvelous make, obviously First-Age craftsmanship.

Bilbo: I shall call mine 'Sting'.

Gandalf: [Raising an eyebrow] But by the intricately carved runes on the blades, it indicates they were made by the Noldorin Elves who came from the Undying lands...

Bilbo: 'Sting' it is then.

Gandalf: [Becoming more irritated]...who wrought these peerless and magic blades in the fabled city of Gondolin, hewn out of the very living rock of Thangorodrim. Its impervious walls sparkling of jewels, its spiralling white towers piercing the cerulean blue skies of the now lost land of Beleriand...

Bilbo: [flashing about his knife like Eroll Flynn] Ha-ha, feel my 'Sting'!

Gandalf: [Rolling his eyes in disgust] Why don't you just call it 'Stab' and be done with it.

TO BE CONTINUED...
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Old 07-21-2008, 06:44 AM   #38
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That's some funny (and clever) stuff Morthoron. I would have repped you but it seems I must spread it around first.
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Old 07-24-2008, 09:11 PM   #39
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CHAPTER III, A SHORT REST, Part II

Narrator: Gandalf and the rest skipped blithely through the next few pages -- relatively boring stuff, like descriptions of landscapes and mountains, which of course are all CG animated, and aren't we all rather tired of the replicated splendor of computer graphics? I know I am. So, they walked and walked...blah, blah, blah...and scrambled up the mountains...blah, blah, blah...anyway, it was getting to be about supper-time (which would be dinner for you Yanks), when they came upon a hidden valley...

Gandalf: Here we are! The fair valley of Rivendell where lives Master Elrond in the Last Homely House.

Bilbo: What, is he a bad housekeeper?

Gandalf: No.

Bilbo: Ah, he's like one of those eccentric neighbors who insist on painting their house bright blue and plopping plastic pink flamingos and garden gnomes all about their front yard.

Gandalf: No, not at all, don't be silly.

Bilbo: Well, you did say his house was homely.

Gandalf: Merely a figure of speech, dear boy. Homely meaning comfortable, at-ease, a place of relaxation and enjoyment.

Bilbo: Something like Madame Harbottle's House of Red Light?

Gandalf: Drop it.

Thorin: [suddenly putting a hand to his ear] What's that? It sounds like...singing.

Where are you going,
And why are you here?
Your noses need blowing,
You have wax in your ears.

O! Toora-loora-lally,
The Dwarves stink up the valley!

O! Where did you come from,
And how long will you stay?
Don't except much of a welcome
When you smell that way!

O! Toora-loora-lie,
'Tisn't the smell, but the burning of my eyes!

O! Follow the turnings,
And head down the path --
You're clothes will need burning,
And you need a bath!

O! Toora-loora-loma,
Gandalf save us
From this dwarvish aroma!


Gandalf: Damnable Elves.

Bilbo: They seem quite gay.

Dumplin: Oooh! You think so?

Bilbo: Errr...I meant gaiety, to be merry.

Thorin: Well, gay or not, it's rather a rude welcome.

Gandalf: Don't let it bother you, Thorin, the mischievous elves are only having a little fun at your expense. It's rare they see dwarves now-a-days. But let's follow the path down to the Last Homely House....before they get really nasty.

*As the Party of dwarves start descending down the path, the hidden Elves start taunting them*

Elf #1: Why do dwarves have beards?

Elf #2: I don't know, why do dwarves have beards?

Elf #1: So they can look like their mothers!

Elf #2: Hahaha! Here's one: A man in a hay wagon runs over a dwarf. When the man gets down from the wagon to apologize, the dwarf says, "I'M NOT HAPPY!" The man answers, "Well, which one are you then?"

Elf #1: Ba-dump-bump! What do you get when you cross a dwarf and a donkey?

Elf #2: A little jack-*** about this tall!

Gandalf: Fly, you fools! This foe is beyond you!

Narrator: And so the dwarves escape the savage taunting of the Elves by running as fast as their little legs could carry them, finally finding themselves at the very doors of the Last Homely House!

TO BE CONTINUED...
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Old 08-02-2008, 11:37 PM   #40
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CHAPTER III, A SHORT REST, Part III

Narrator: Having reached the Last Homely House, the road-weary company of travelers finally found rest and relaxation, but not along the lines of Madame Harbottle's House of Red Light -- if you get my meaning (wink, wink, nudge, nudge). The Last Homely House, as Bilbo would later recall, was not homely at all (like his acne-plagued cousin Primula); rather it was perfect for just about anything: reading, writing, thinking, croquette with pink flamingos, painting the roses red, talking with chess pieces...
And if you go chasing rabbits
And you know you're going to fall,
Tell 'em a hookah smoking caterpillar
Has given you the call.
Call Alice
When she was just small...

Narrator #2: We regret the intrusion, but Narrator #1 has been caught in a bit of a flashback...

Narrator #1: When logic and proportion
Have fallen sloppy dead,
And the White Knight is talking backwards
And the Red Queen's "off with her head!"
Remember what the dormouse said...

*Sounds of a struggle*

Narrator #2: And I am afraid he will have to go on short-term disabiility...

Narrator #1: "Feed your head. Feed your head. Feed your head"...

*The sounds of shouting and scuffling fade and a door slams off-stage*

Narrator #2: Ahem...now, where were we? Ah yes, after a bit of a rest, the company of travelers were sent for to meet with Master Elrond.

Bilbo: Now Gandalf, just who is this Master Elrond again?

Gandalf: He is a descendant of a great old family. Quite famous, really. His great-grandfather was the mortal Beren and he was wed to Luthien, daughter of an Elf and a Maia.

Bilbo: What, like an Aztec?

Gandalf: No, Maia as in 'of the Maiar'. I am one myself.

Bilbo: I didn't know you came from Peru!

Gandalf: Oh, skip it! Just know that Elrond is a half-elf.

Bilbo: He's short then?

Gandalf: No, no, no! His father was mortal and his mother was an elf. No, wait...actually they both were elves, but his grandfather was mortal. Bah! Needless to say Elrond is still considered an elf, while his brother was mortal.

Bilbo: That makes no sense genetically.

Dumplin: Can dwarves wed elves?

Gandalf: I'm not sure. I don't see why not. Why do you ask?

Dumplin: Well there's this elf in Mirkwood named Legolas, and he's just GORGEOUS!

Bilbo: [Turning and whispering to Balin and Dwalin] What is the story with Dumplin? He certainly acts odd.

Balin: [whispering back] Well, first of all, Dumplin is not a he, but a she-dwarf.

Dwalin: [whispering also]: Are you sure?

Balin: [still whispering] Well of course I'm sure. Look at her beard!

Bilbo: Dumplin is a she?

Balin: Well, close enough for a lonely night on the road.

Dwalin: You see, Bilbo, we dwarves have very few females...

Biblo: What with half-elves from Peru and he-she dwarves, thank the Lord I'm a hobbit!

Gandalf: Quit your gossiping, you three, there is Master Elrond.

*Elrond is sitting regally upon a carved, oaken throne, reading manuscripts and drinking a glass of sherry*

Elrond: Welcome, welcome!! Do come in, please do. So nice to have dwarves about the Last Homely House. Here for a short visit are we? Ha-ha, lovely, lovely. And what's this? A hobbit? My, I haven't seen one of your race for a thousand years. But then there could be a few hiding 'neath the table and you couldn't see 'em, eh? Ha-ha-ha, lovely, just lovely!

Gandalf: [bowing] We thank you for your hospitality, Master Elrond.

Elrond: Oh, no formalities, old friend, no formalities! You weren't so damn genteel in the hot tub the other night!

*The dwarves scowl at Gandalf*

Gandalf: Ummm...yes...well...Master Elrond, we seek your aid. Thorin has a dwarvish map that needs deciphering.

Elrond: Oh-ho, a dwarvish map, eh? Devilishly tough, those. Usually written in shorthand. Ha-ha, short-hand! Eh? eh? Lovely, lovely! Pray tell, Master Thorin, where did you come upon this map?

Thorin: Well, it's quite a long story actually, and it had to be edited out of the theater release of the movie. But it will be told in its entirety in the Blue-ray Disc Extended Version available in stores this coming Christmas.

Elrond: Will it indeed? Lovely, just lovely. No short subject documentaries for the dwarves, eh? eh? Ha-ha, lovely.

Narrator #2: Please stay tuned for the next installment of Chapter III and find out what Master Elrond can discern from the dwarves' map.

Director: Cut! Cut! Narrator #2, that was the most bleeding boring segue I've ever heard!

Narrator #2: Well, it's not my fault, you know... [sobs a bit] I'm not a method narrator. I need my lines, and Narrator #1 was still holding the script when he was taken out.

Director: That's it! Randall, it's time for lunch.

Randall: Lunch everyone! Be back in an hour!

TO BE CONTINUED
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