The Reunification of the Entish Bow - Discussion

[Estelyn Telcontar]

This is the continuation of the tale of the Entish Bow that was begun in The Revenge of the Entish Bow (http://forum.barrowdowns.com/showthread.php?t=5751).

What happened so far:

Merisuwyniel, a lovely Elven maiden on the brink of adulthood, carries a bow made of the wood of an Ent that was once hewn by orcs. It requests her to help revenge itself upon its foes and to find the other pieces of the Ent that were separated from it. Together with a group of companions known (politically correctly, of course!) as the Fellow/Galship, she begins the quest. They experience many adventures on their travels through Muddled-Berth.

Unexpectedly, the orc captain who was responsible for this and other heinous deeds falls in love with her; she returns his affection, yet his past must be avenged. He dies, as do his superiors, Lord Sourone and a mysterious female known as She (who turns out to be Merisuwyniel’s lost mother and the twin sister of… but I digress!). One of the companions, a Half-Elven hero, The Elven maiden’s first love, also dies.

Merisuwyniel is devastated in the face of so many deaths and resolves never again to shoot the Bow, but rather to learn the art of healing in Minus Teeth, the Wight City. Some of the companions accompany her; others go their separate ways. Yet, though the Entish Bow has had its revenge, it is still not complete; in the second part of the story, the remainder of the Fellow/Galship sets out to find and recover the missing parts, that they might be reunified.

Characters:

Members of the Fellow/Galship:

Merisuwyniel (Estelyn Telcontar, also game owner)

Earnur Etceteron (The Squatter of Amon Rûdh)

Pimpiowyn and Vogonwë (Diamond18)

Orogarn Two (The Barrow-Wight)

Kuruharan and his dragon Chrysophylax (Kuruharan)


Other players (new characters to be introduced):

Mithadan

Thenamir

Lush

Birdland (critter cameo specialist)

The Saucepan Man


Additional cameos are planned; players will be introduced when the time comes.

This RPG is invitational only; forum members who feel that they can write in this style may audition by contacting me via e-mail: Estelyn@barrowdowns.com, preferably with a sample of their writing or a link to posts that demonstrate their ability to write good quality subtle humour. Please do not post here unless I have accepted your character suggestion!

Time requirement for regular players is at least one post every two weeks; the pace will be a bit more leisurely than it was in Part One. For this reason, the telling of the story will take several months. For guidelines, please see the discussion thread for The Revenge of the Entish Bow (now located at Elvenhome). General rules for posting on the Gondor forum may be read at Ecthelion’s Tower.

Players who are recapping their roles from the first part are asked to post a brief character bio, including the current status concerning weapons, equine companions etc. Players with new characters, please check them with me before posting. The RPG will begin within the next week or two.

[ July 02, 2003: Message edited by: Estelyn Telcontar ]

[Diamond18]

The Return of the Odd Couple…

Character: Vogonwë Brownbark

Species: Half Elf, Half Human
Age: Approximately 300 years

Height: 6 ft./1.9 m
Hair: Long, tied back with hairbow, ash brown in color
Eyes: Grayish brown

Occupation: Poet. Sort of.

Equine status: He used to have a mare named Pasdedeux, but is currently horseless, due to her elopement with Baklava the Black and Sarcastic. He rode the deceased Halfullion’s Tofu the Talkative back to Minus Teeth.

Weapons: A seemingly endless supply of hand thrown arrows, and a fatally comprehensive knowledge of Workmudian Aim-Well spells to affix to said shafts.

Magic knick-knacks: A silvery-brown satin hairbow, which grants him the ability to understand and speak every animal dialect known to the kevlar (sic). Once he even composed a poem in “Horse”. This may have something to do with Pasdedeux’s defection.

History: He was born to Geppettuil the Elven Party-king of Workmud (third cousin of Throngduil, thrice removed) and Darthana, a Woman of Chippendale (who drowned in the kitchen sink). He was raised to believe that he had been carved from an enchanted log. He left Workmud at around the age of 200 and settled down at the Elven Farm a few decades after that. He joined the Itship in order to tag along after his girlfriend, and compose poetry about their adventures. On the way, he discovered his true half-elven heritage. And lost his horse, of course.

Future aspirations: Composing poetry, visiting Chippendale to get in touch with his manly side, and making ¼ Elf, ¼ Hobbit, ½ Human children with Pimpi.

---

Character: Pimpiowyn Took (Pimpi)

Species Half Human, Half Hobbit
Age: 25 years

Height: 6 ft./1.9 m
Hair: Long, reddish golden curls.
Eyes: Big, round, and very blue.

Occupation: Being cute and pretty, eating a lot, and listening to Vogonwë’s poetry.

Equine status: Same as Vogonwë (though she could use her own horse now that she’s taller).

Weapons: An Elven dagger with a curved blade, which she christened Hush after slaying her first Orc with it.

Magic knick-knacks: None, since using her orc-detecting horsehead pendant, Lopitoff, as a grenade.

History: Born to Éohorse son of Needahorse, a Man of the Mike, and Pipsissewa Took, a Hobbit lass. Family was ambushed by Orcs while picnicking—parents were killed, horse beheaded. Pimpi was rescued and adopted by elves from the Elven Farm, and joined the Itship to hunt down the Orcs responsible for her parents’ death. She succeeded when Vogonwë, on her behalf, killed Gravlox the Not-So-Bad in a duel. She also grew from 5 to 6 feet upon eating a magic bean.

Future aspirations: Eating, becoming a shieldmaiden sidekick to Merisuwyniel and going on adventures, doing things like riding horses, killing Orcs, attending parties dressed in her black velvet dress with the red sleeves… yeah, good stuff like that. She promised to marry Vogonwë eventually, but plans on a long engagement before she has to settle down and raise hybrid children.

[ June 30, 2003: Message edited by: Diamond18 ]

[Kuruharan]

Kuruharan is a Longbeard Dwarf from Erebor. He is five feet tall and like all Dwarves he is stocky and very strong. He has neatly brushed light brown hair and beard and sparkling blue-gray eyes. He wears rich clothing: a cloak of the deepest crimson with silver fringe, under that he wears a full length coat of dark blue with gold embroidery along the edge. His tunic is as red as a cherry, with more gold embroidery. He wears a gold belt with an axe thrust into it, and his boots are impeccably polished. On a gold chain around his neck he wears a large golden dragon pendent. Underneath this he wears chain-mail armor. He more than likely has all sorts of things tucked away in various places. He is a capable fighter, but prefers to let others do the fighting if possible. He does not want to get stains on his outfit.

He always has his eye on making a profit and is usually willing to sell most anything to anybody. He has traveled far and wide to many strange places. He knows all sorts of people. In fact, he knows a surprising number of characters and creatures that it is rather surprising that a Dwarf would be on good terms with. The most notable unexpected creature of his acquaintance is his pet dragon Chrysophylax Dives.

The origins of their relationship are a bit clouded. Nobody knows why a dragon of ancient and imperial lineage would be the mere pet of a dwarf, one of their ancient enemies. The origins and specifics of their arrangement should probably remain shrouded in mystery, for the good of all concerned (Chrysophylax being apt to eat anybody who starts asking too many questions.)

In the story thus far he is (oddly enough) one of the few characters who has actually managed to find a piece of the Ent that was Broken. If he ever realizes this he may demand a commission.

It should probably also be noted that while Kuruharan's a bit of a shady individual, he is a loyal Dwarf to his people and will never go against their interests. Most everybody else is fair game.

[Mithadan]

Character: Gravlox Uruk

Race: Uruk Hai

Description: Gravlox is a typically hideous... wait a minute...

MY CHARACTER'S DEAD!

This isn't fair! Going on with the story without poor Gravlox and leaving me behind without a character! Why I'll... sue! That's it, I'll sue! *Consults terms of Barrow-Downs Administrator's Agreement and discovers that suing the site results in revokation of membership, the forfeiture of a substantial sum of cash and perpetual halitosis*

OK, I'll create a new charcter.

Character: Grrralph

Race: Uncertain

Description and background: Grrralph appeared in Minus Teeth shortly after the conclusion of the War of the Thing, seeking treatment from the city's legendary Houses of Healing. Despite various tests and examinations, Grrralph's condition has gone undiagnosed. Nonetheless, he has stayed on at the Houses of the Healing where he assists as he can.

Grrralph is approximately 2.4 meters tall and always wears black hooded robes over full body armour consisting of chainmail (steel, black), a breast plate (steel, black), vambraces (steel, black), leather gloves (black) with steel studs (black), chain hose (black) and thigh high boots (red).

Strangely enough, he always keeps his hood on. In fact, no one has seen his body (which explains why the healers can't diagnose his condition). His eyes, which are all that can be seen of his face, are burning red. He tends to hiss when he speaks (and occaisionally wails). While generally friendly and cordial and eager to fit in, his behavior is at times...eccentric (some would say erratic, others might quietly use the term psychotic). The healers believe that he has recently experienced some trauma which had an effect upon his personality.

Weapons: Glowing Broadsword, morningstar, six long knives, four daggers, two short curved knives, four throwing knives, twenty poison darts, a whip and... you get the picture.

Armour: Described briefly above. Add one black steel shield with some red symbol on it that appears to have been rubbed off with sandpaper.

Horse: A black stallion with a rather ugly face, named Puff.

Magic Items: Yes.

[Birdland]

Welcome new players Thenamir and Lush to Estelyn Telcontar's Reunification of the Entish Bow or The Itship - Part Atta. For the sake of brevity, I will now refer to this RPG as "ROEB" - which is actually the same acronym we used for the last RPG.

I played many minor characters in ROEB, all of which have been dropped from the film version. These characters provided local color, unbiased commentary, and various background noises while the members of the Itship meandered about Muddled Berth.


Appearing throughout ROEB were: a conniving fox, flight-challenged Kiwi Banes, Mithril Munching Moria Mice, Watchers-in-the-Water who quoted Samuel Becket, Born Beorns, and a flock of crebain for that touch of gross-out humor that we all crave.

Now in ROEB (or I - PA) you might catch glimpses of these characters again. In fact, I may on occasion cut and paste entries from the first ROEB if I'm in a hurry. But I also will be introducing many other new and exciting minor characters, including the oft-mentioned, but seldom seen, Zerl (Pat. Pend.).

Oh, and Vogonwë: if you are still in need of a steed, I believe Shagoff is available. Last I saw of him, he was pining at the grave of his master, Gravlox. (Or he could have been patiently waiting for the corpse to age, since Orcs tend to taste a little "gamy".)

[Diamond18]

Poor Shagoff, he will be disappointed when he realizes that Chrysophylax ate the corpse before him. smilies/tongue.gif

With Esty's permission, I have been working on a small appendix to post here. It's a compilation of the parody names that were used in REB 1. The idea, is that if you want to make a reference about, say, Harad, and you want to know what it has been called in our alternate universe, you don't have to comb you memory or the old RPG, but simply look it up in Diamond's Nifty Alphabetized Appendix of Atrocities. It only includes the names that were direct allusions to or substitutions for places and people in Tolkien. (I.E. it won't include stuff like the Led Silmarils concert reference, or characters like Aliciel). I'll have it finished in a few days. I'm posting this explanation now so I can just sling it up without ado, when I do.

I forget to welcome Thenamir and Lush! Fie upon my head. I'm looking forward to the new characters.

[Estelyn Telcontar]

And now, give a hearty welcome to yet another new player (drrrrrrummmmmmrrrrrrrooolllllll): The Saucepan Man! One more person who has given in to my arm-twisting, and I look forward to having him on the quest with us as well as Thena and Lush. Welcome back to those of the previous crew - it's going to be fun writing with you again!

I will be away for a few days over the weekend, but should be able to catch up with any messages (use the above-mentioned e-mail address rather than PMing - 10 messages fill up so fast!) on Sunday afternoon/evening. I'll start the game with Merisu's first post sometime next week.

For your planning, your first posts should establish where you are now and what you have been doing in the interim. Merisu is in the Houses of Healing, of course, learning the trade, and I imagine most of your characters are also in the Wight City somewhere. After the first, establishing posts, we will gather and prepare to go on the next adventure. Come on, you didn't really think that Merisu would be happy as a healer the rest of her days, did you?

Mith, your new character sounds vaguely, disturbingly familiar - where have we encountered someone like that before??

[ July 02, 2003: Message edited by: Estelyn Telcontar ]

[Mithadan]

Indeed! Welcome Thenamir, Lush and The Saucepan Man!

Great idea Diamond! While playing around with outlines for a new character, I picked out a couple of names that we had already used in REB I. The name list will be a great help to everyone.

Mith, your new character sounds vaguely, disturbingly familiar - where have we encountered someone like that before??



I have no idea what you are talking about. Grrralph is a totally original and fresh construct of my imagination. In fact I intend to copyright his description and trademark his name in response to several inquiries that I've received regarding Grrralph action figures and a line of clothing.

[Thenamir]

There is a new face of evil in Middle Earth. One of the lesser maiar, once a student of Sourman in the International Brotherhood of Magicians (IBM), now seeks his own 'window' to power. None knows his real name, kept secret under a bad haircut and spectacles. To those who purchase his wonderously soft wares, he would only identify himself as the "Gateskeeper".

A seeming helpful friend, he seeks to wreck and spoil anyone with a different program, hiding his intentions behind an innocent-looking but deadly blue screen.

After his last battle, wherein he fought the Eunuchs of the Pea-Sea to a draw, he now seeks the power of the reunified Entish Bow to aid him in defeating the dreaded Penguin Troops of the Line-Ox, and thus claim the Pea-Sea for his own. Using his latest Xpress Powers (XP) to further disguise himself, the Gateskeeper joins the fellow/gal ship to assist them in finding the remains of the great Bow, all the while planning to betray them and claim the ent-fragments for his own.

[Estelyn Telcontar]

Merisuwyniel is an orphaned Elven maiden of 42 years, almost adult by Elven standards. She is very beautiful, having long, rippling golden hair and violet eyes, slender and tall. She is graceful, friendly, courageous, very strong and yet shy. Her customary clothing is tasteful yet utilitarian; she wears practical but feminine divided skirts when questing. She carries a living bow made of the wood of an Ent, which she rescued from orcs when she was yet a child. The bow communicates with her by touch and/or by speech, as the occasion requires, and never misses its mark. (Well, almost never – it missed its mark once, with devastating results, but that is another story.) She rides a black steed, Falafel, a direct descendent of Felaróf, the first of the mearas.

Merisuwyniel recently discovered that her mother was Vinaigrettiel, the twin sister of the Elven non-Queen Saladriel. However, the message reached her after her mother had died. In the course of her adventures, she also lost her first youthful love, the half-Elven hero Lord Halfullion Gormlessar, who was slain in the Battle of Gol Dulldor. As if that hadn’t already been enough, the love of her life, the Orc Gravlox, was killed in a duel at the fortress of Minus Moreghoul. These tragedies have placed in her heart the wish to be a healer rather than a stereotypical weaponslinging shieldmaiden. For this reason she is in the Wight City, Minus Teeth, to learn the art of healing.

[The Barrow-Wight]

WHO IS OROGARN TWO?
Orogarn Two, son of Orogarn One, son of The Orogarn Jr., son of The Orogarn, son of Garn Eight, son of Garn Seven, son of Kevin, son of Garn Six…(insert 77 generations, including Kitzeldoor the Astronaut, here)… third cousin of Isildur, or, shortly said, Orogarn Two, son of Orogarn One, third cousin of Isildur, 84 times removed.

Orogarn Two is the aristocratic son of lord Denimthor, Proctor of Grundor and Guardian of the Porcelain Throne of Minus Teeth. Though more comfortable giving speeches to Citibank officials from as far away as Ethyline, Listerine, and even Dol Amstel, he was convinced to leave the Wight City after having the most odd dream in which a poem was revealed to him.

“Seek for the Ent that was broken:
With the Cow Keeper it dwells;
There shall nonsense be spoken
More wicked than Dulldor-spells.
There shall be a token dwarf
A half-elf, elf, wizard and man,
For Isildur's cousin shall waken,
And form a big-hair 80’s band.”

These rhyming lines set him on a journey that eventually landed him a spot in the Itship. As a member of the Fellow/Galship, Orogarn two participated in many adventures, though his motivation for joining was not entirely due to the plight of multifurcated Ent. Instead, he participated in hopes of solving a mystery – the pilfering of his wallet in the Entish Wood many years ago. Orogarn Two was convinced that a treeman was responsible for the theft of his money pouch, and he was sure that the Entish Bow could lead him to the culprit.

A DESCRIPTION
Orogarn Two is tall, thin, and very handsome. He has a full head of feathered (but not teased), dark brown hair that would make any spandex-clad rocker sigh in envy. He perpetually wears blue suede shoes, blue jeans, and a short-sleeved green T-shirt with the image of a sword emblazoned on the front. His legs are so powerful that he does not require a horse for travel, but he learned during his latest adventure that a steed, or at least a beast of burden, would be a good idea. He has plans to find a suitable mount before the next journey begins.

He carries a sword, as does every warrior worth his salt, but he also has a magical crystal hung around his neck on a golden chain. The crystal, when grasped firmly and concentrated upon, gives Orogarn Two the ability to project invisible hypontic rays that few are able to resist.

SO WHY IS OROGARN TWO READY TO LEAVE GRUNDOR AGAIN?
After returning to the Wight City of his birth, Orogarn Two spent nearly a week researching the dusty archives deep beneath the Citbank. There, amid a stack of unauthorized Wose drumbeat transcripts he discovered the suspicous financial records of an Ent named Skinflint. Several centuries ago the sneaky sycamore had come under investigation after he had allegedly sold several batches of watered down entrdraught to a band of Anorien merchants. After that, his name had appeared regularly in police registers alongside a list of other fraudulent schemes. No accusations were ever proven, so the Ent was never prosecuted, and for many years he was not seen again on the law enforcement dockets of Grundor. But only 10 years ago, shortly after Orogarn Two’s wallet was lifted while passing through the Entish Wood, the yellowed parchements showed that Skinflint had deposited a large sum of money into his Bank of Isengard savings account. Orogarn Two became convinced that that sudden cashflow could only have come from his pilfered moneybag!

The Ent was gonna pay!

[The Squatter of Amon Rûdh]

Hullo everyone, particularly those new to the Entish Bow madness. There follows all you need to know (and quite a lot that you don't) about my character.

Concerning Earnur Etceteron, Lord of Dun Sóbrin etc

Earnur is a mighty, honest, noble, brave and frequently misguided warrior of country unknown. Although he is officially part of The Aristocracy(TM), nobody is entirely sure whose owing to an hilarious series of mishaps involving fires in three major cities, a pantomime cow and a masque ball: his is one of the few documents of ennoblement to open with the words "To whom it may concern".

Earnur was once the bearer of Wylkynsion, the dreaded Black Sword of Dun Sóbrin, and rider of the mighty Baklava, lord of horses and master of wordless sarcasm; but the former was broken by Vinaigrettiel and later thrown off a cliff and the latter got a better offer during the course of the Entish Bow's revenge. Now Etceteron bears a new blade without a name, although he is seriously considering calling it 'Griper' (see the concluding posts of Revenge), and his new horse is on order from the home stables.

Since the Revenge, Earnur has been seeking healing at the renowned House of Bettifordeth, where his once-magnificent drinking problem has been cut down to a penchant for a small sherry on Sunday afternoons. Who can tell how permanent a cure this has been? Well, I can; but I'm the only one for now.

His malady cured, he dashed off two notes, one asking for a sponge bag, the other requesting legal representation. One misunderstanding and the fall of two kingdoms and a small bakery later he's ready to take on the adventure of his life.

At-a-glance confusion:

Race: Human (approx)
Age: Indeterminate forties.
Eyes: Two
Hair: Yes

Horse Baklava's replacement is a mighty black war steed, whose name shall remain secret until I've thought of one.

Weapons:
Standard-issue magical talking sword, audible only to the bearer. Other properties than speech have yet to be found, although so far speech has been quite enough for most.

An infinity of boot-knives, hunting knives, swimming knives and butter knives (one must preserve the proprieties), any of which can be reached instantly in awkward situations. Also one butterfly knife for hunting moths.

Magical items
The sword (see above). No-one knows what it does because no-one has listened to the instructions and remained sane.

Flask of eternal refilling: "Eternal," notes the sales pitch, "is merely an approximate life, based on typical usage. Refer to conversion chart for details". When emptied this silver flask fills itself with an Elven liquor of great virtue and possible healing powers. Typically it's of no use at all for two reasons: Firstly Earnur has given up drinking and secondly he used up all of its magic at the end of Revenge. There are no prizes for those who know how, why and how many years it should have lasted, because they spend too much time here already.

A helpful talking paper clip: He doesn't have one of these. It isn't even on his wish-list. I had you going, though.

[Mithadan]

It seems that the gauntlet has been thrown down with considerable force. Lush and The Saucepan Man, it's your turn. smilies/wink.gif

[Lush]

I'm waiting for Esty's approval on the details. I'm also going to Crimea for two weeks on Sunday and my internet access will be almost totally non-existent. If Esty is satisfied with what I presented her with so far, perhaps she'll make the post with the details of my character. If not, I'll get to fixing everything on the 22nd. Be afraid, be very afraid.

[ July 04, 2003: Message edited by: Lush ]

[Diamond18]

This torturous anticipation is lethal! If you don't post your descriptions within the next few days, I may fling myself off a bridge to end the madness.

Or, rather, I will wait for Lush and Saucy's characters to be posted before I post the maddeningly long appendix. smilies/wink.gif

[The Saucepan Man]

My roles are legion! MWA-HA-HA ...

... er, well, multiple, anyway.

Name: Various, but likely to involve a fair number of M's, D's and G's, more than their fair share of Z's and K's and perhaps a sprinkling of X's too. But alas equally as likely to be deficient in their vowel content.

Race: Variable and quite possibly, on occasions, indeterminate. But inevitably fallen.

Appearance: Invariably dark. Generally not pleasant and frequently downright repulsive. Likely to involve one or more of the following: long pointy teeth/ claws/ horns/ multiple limbs/ tentacles/ warts/ scales/ wings (whether shadowy, vestigial or otherwise)/ dark robes/ patchy hair/ multiple piercings/ bad dentistry/ unpleasant skin condition.

Weapons: Oh yes. Lots. Mostly barbed, spiked, cruelly curved and/or poisoned.

Magic Items: Quite possibly, although likely to be dangerous to the casual user.

Background: Probably inconsequential, but mostly involving ill-fortune, neglect, violence, peer pressure, association with a "bad crowd" and/or susceptability to suspiciously desirable but ultimately unwisely taken gifts from dark strangers.

Or, in short, I will be taking the role of various villains, baddies and minions of some power-hungry Dark Lord or other.

Ok, that's all a bit vague, but I'm running a few ideas past Estelyn at the moment and may well post again later when I have something more specific.

[Estelyn Telcontar]

Since Lush has no internet access right now, I am posting her character biography for her. Here it is:

Name: Leninia the Deceivingly-Little

Species: Witch (the female equivalent of Wizard)

Height: Tiny, but don’t let that fool you.

Hair: Black.

Eyes: Narrow when angry (i.e. always narrow).

Attire: Dresses exclusively at the GAP of Rohan.

Age: <here is written a lengthy obscenity, followed by a two-page essay on how asking ladies their age is vulgar and inappropriate>

Occupation: Professional Villain, moonlights as a Pop Minstrel.

Weapons: The most terrifying singing voice ever heard in recorded history (some say that her voice-coach was the embodiment of Melkor himself). As if that isn’t enough, Leninia also possesses a staff in the guise of a stylish umbrella, with a diamond-encrusted handle featuring the head of a black poodle. When activated, the staff has been known to turn Leninia’s victims into toads, goats, and corporate officials.

History: Rumored to be the illegitimate daughter of a mighty Wizard and a chambermaid, she inherited her mother’s domestic skills and her daddy’s ability to use her voice to destructive means. Spoiled by her nannies and hypnotized by her dream to become a singing star bigger than that of Eär-split-til, she ran away from home at age twelve, but has since achieved a certain level of maturity, going from a simple brat to a presence of true evil. Her list of alleged crimes includes the imprisonment of a certain object that she likes to call a "Freakin' Talkin' Guitar."

Current Residence: The Barrow-Downs, where she is attempting...Well, you'll see.

Marital Status: Black widow; changes husbands with the same frequency that Hobbits re-fill their beers.

Hobbies: Fits of rage that commence in destruction of private property and innocent bystanders.

Hopes and Dreams: To meet a man who doesn’t irritate her, and subsequently kill him.

[Diamond18]

Glossary of Goofisms
Please PM me about any errors and/or omissions. No really, I’m begging you to.

Note: In Ye Olde RPG, many parody names were used more or less interchangeably with the real names. Make of that what you will.

Places:

Anduin = Watschaduin (also see The Great River)
-
Angband = Slangbad
-
Barad-dûr = Barát-Höm
-
Barrow-Downs = Marrow-Bones
-
Beleriand = Dairyland
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Bridge of Khazad-dûm = Escalator of Ka Boom!
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Caradhras = Canthardlee
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Caras Galadon = Careless Gardenhon
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The Citadel = The Citibank
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Dale = Chippendale
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Dimrill Dale = Dimwit Dale
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Dol Amroth = Dol Amistel
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Dol Guldur = Gol Dulldor
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Dor Lómin = Dun Sóbrin
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Dor Winion = Dor Sumyewinion
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Druadan Forest = Pukestain Forest
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Edoras = Improvas
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Emyn Muil = Eminem Mule
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Ephel Dúath = Ephel Dûwot
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Ered Lithui = Ered Legthargi
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Erebor = Trebor
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Ford of Bruinen = Ford of Buicken
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Gap of Rohan = Rohan Interstate, the GAP of Rohan
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Golden Hall of Meduseld = Goldlamé Hall
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Gondolin = Grindulin, Round-and-In, Valvoline
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Gondor = Gondola, Grundor
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The Great River = The Pretty-Good River (also see Anduin)
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Greenwood the Great = Greenwood the Untreated Lumber Yard
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Harad = Harried, Hardhead, Hardup
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Houses of Healing = Houses of Bettifordeth
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Ithilien = Ethyline
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Isengard = Networkgard (also see Ring of)
-
Khand = Khant
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Land of Shadows = Land of Shadowy Deals
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The Last Homely House = The Last Home Grown Cows, the Elven Farm, Hidden Valley Ranch, the Farm of Roneld
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Lebennin = Listerine
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Lothlorien = Topfloorien
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The Mark = The Mike
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Middle-earth = Muddled-berth, Muddle-mud, Muddled-Mirth
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The Mines of Moria = The Subway, Lindon Underground
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Minas Morgul = Minus Moreghoul
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Minas Tirith = Minus Teeth
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Mirkwood = Workmud the Okay-I-Guess
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Mordor = Moredough
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Mount Doom = Mount Moody (also see Orodruin)
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Nargothrond = Nogarter-on
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Númenor = Noodleor
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Orodruin = Odouruin (also see Mount Doom)
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Orthanc = Dorktank
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Osgiliath = Ozfestiath
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Parth Galen = Park Galore
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Ring of Isengard = Token-ring of Networkgard
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Rohan = Rofoo, Soreham
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Rhudaur = Rudehour
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The Shire = The Mire
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Sundering Sea = Sunderland Sea
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Tol Brandir = Toll Brandy
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Valinor = Valium, Valleyum, Place Beyond the Great Rift and the Bent Seas which no one can get to but where everyone wants to go.
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The White City = The Wight City
---

Characters and Creatures:

Amras = Rumpus
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Amrod = Ramrod
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Annatar, Lord of Gifts = Avatar, Lord of .Gifs
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Aragorn II = Orogarn Two
-
Argonath = Astronauts
-
Balrog = Porterorg, Balfrog
-
Beren One-hand = Benny Clammyhand
-
Bilbo Baggins = Bilbo S. Thompson
-
Black squirrels = Black skwerlz
-
Calaquendi = Doolalliquendi
-
Caranthir = Currentbun
-
Celeborn = Celery
-
Celegorm = Celegormless
-
Crebain from Dunland = Kiwi-banes from Down-Under
-
Curufin = Curedham
-
Dúnedain = Dumb-admen
-
Durin’s Bane = Kuruharan’s Pain
-
Denothor = Denimthor
-
Eärendil the Mariner = Eärandnau the Marinade
-
Easterlings = Beasterlings
-
Ecthelion = Etceteron
-
Edain = Fodderain
-
Elrond Half-elven = Roneld McDoneld
-
Elros Tar-Minyatur = Elros Car-Minicooper
-
Elwë Sincollo = Avmë Lastrolo
-
Elu Thingol = Ereyu Thingy
-
Éowyn = Éowhine
-
Eru = Emu
-
Fëanor = Feeblenor
-
Felaróf = Fellofftheroof
-
The Fellowship = The Fellow/Galship, the Itship, the Multiple Choice Questors, the Gallowship, the Whatevership, the Gorilla-ship, the Ow-ship, Gal-N-Fellowship, Politically-Semi-Correct-ship, His-and-Hers-Ship, Non-Gender-Specific-Ship, He-She-and-It-Ship, This-and-That-Ship, Whatchacallitship, Uniship
-
Finrod = Pinrod
-
Galadriel = Saladriel
-
Gandalf the Grey = Dandruff the Fey
-
Glorfindel = Gloryfinder
-
Gothmog = Greedhog
-
Greenleaf = Brownbark
-
Gríma Wormtongue = Grimy Hasbéen
-
Grishnákh = Goshtalk
-
Haldir = Holdit
-
Háma = Hámmerhead, Hamstrung, Hámancheese
-
Huorns = Thorns
-
Ilúvatar = Ilovetar
-
Ioreth = Eeyoreth
-
Isildur = Kitzledoor
-
Kelvar = Kevlar
-
Laiquendi = Smartiquendi
-
Legolas / Orlando Bloom = O Lando L’Oréal Bloom
-
Lúthien Tinúviel = Lucy-Jane Thinguviel (also see Tinúviel)
-
Maedhros = Muddlehead
-
Maglor = Mugglin
-
Mandos = Mantoes
-
Manwë Sùlimo = Manuël Sántana
-
Mearas - Morosa
-
Melkor = Melvin Bluenote
-
Morgoth Bauglir = Môgul Bildûr
-
Morwen = Morwhine
-
Nazgûl = Nazcool
-
Neekerbreekers = Knickerbuckles
-
Noldar = Noodlar
-
Númenorean = Noodleorean
-
Olwë = Paellaë
-
Púkel-Men = Puking-Men (also see Woses)
-
Radagast the Brown = Pettygast the Green
-
Riddermark = Quexchinmike
-
Ringwraiths = Thingwraiths
-
Rohirrim = Sorethinghhim
-
Rumil = Roomeal
-
Saruman = SoAman, Sauerkraut
-
Sauron = Soreone, Sourman, Soregum
-
Shelob = Shishkebob
-
Sindar = Sindiar
-
Skinbark = Skinflint
-
Southrons = Poltroons
-
Spawns of Ungoliant = Pawns of Uncooliphaunt
-
Teleri = Calamari
-
Théoden King = Théboleggen King
-
Tinúviel = Tinúlizzie (also see Lúthien)
-
Thingol = Thingy (also see Elu Thingol)
-
Tom Bombadil = Tom Bomba-bloom-o (a.k.a. Bombi)
-
Turgon = Turgid
-
Túrin Turambar = Tintin Rum-baba
-
Uglûk = Oolalaluk
-
Ungoliant = Uncooliphaunt
-
Valar = Velour
-
Vanyar = Vaniti
-
Variags = Scallywags
-
Voronwë = Vogonwë
-
Wargs = Baskerwargs
-
Woses = Woozies (also see Púkel-Men)
-
Yavanna = The Fruit-Giver, Yawanna
---

Things and Events:

Anduril = Andëskil, Windósil (the Sword that Was On Sale)
-
Gift of Men = Drift of Men
-
Glamdring, the Beater = Bamding, the Toeslammer
-
Gurthang = Gurl-thang
-
Jewels of Fëanor = Stones of Feeblenor
-
Kingsfoil = Kingsboil
-
Kinslaying = Kinhoodwinking
-
Lembas = Lembrownies
-
Light of Valinor = Languid Lava of Valleyum
-
The Mirror of Galadriel = The Salad Bowl of Saladriel
-
Osanwë = O-mail
-
Palantír = Cell-antír, Discotír, Satel-antír
-
Quenya = Quixotic
-
Silmarils = Similars, Silmaroils
-
Sindarin = Simian
-
Swan Ships = Squid Ships
-
Throne of Gondor = Porcelain Throne
-
War of Wrath = War of Mild Irritation
-
Westron = Westosterone
---

[ September 12, 2003: Message edited by: Diamond18 ]

[Bêthberry]

I am utterly, utterly, overwhelmingly, completely, stupendously offended and even mildly perturbed by the limited terms of your reference, Diamond, for this alleged Diamond's Nifty Alphabetized Appendix of Atrocities.

Revenge of the Entish Bow was so much more than a flagrant act of atrocious non-canonicity.

I mean, how will it be possible not to have need to recall Gravlox's son Gravy, who YET LIVES?

How will Merrisuewynniel not be torn daily and most particularly nightly by remembrances of her first true love which she threw over for that disgusting Gravlox? Will no one shed a tear for the Lord Halfullion Gormlessar and his heroic journey into new realms of selfhood which liberated him from the hidebound limits of girlish romance? Does this lord of the rim and beyond not deserve mention on your list?

And what of Bilbo Baggins' doppleganger, Bilbo S. Thompson, the gonzo journalist who brought us the really read book of Westmarch?

Has Pettygast breathed his last petty breath?

Will there be no mention made of the heroic weapons of yore? Are we to let pass into posterity the mighty Wylkynsion? Are we to harden our, er, hearts to l'En'viey Piennhas?

How soon are the heroic forebearers truly forgotten by those who navel gaze into new peradventures of the misbegotten. I, for one, am truly appalled. Clearly, the old heroic mythologies are passing into post-modern modes of, of, discombobulation.

Bêthberry

[ July 07, 2003: Message edited by: Bêthberry ]

[Diamond18]

Oh. Well, I did change the name to Glossary of Goofisms (a play on euphemism, more or less) to indicate it as a Tolkien-reference-only guide. The Appendix label seemed a tad over-hyped when considering the basic nature of it. Though I suppose I could add a category of names without exact Tolkien matches, if that would be of any practical use in writing the sequel.

You have me on Bilbo S. Thompson and Pettygast: I suppose I overlooked the connection to Radagast, though it's rather obvious. I may have been sleep-reading through B.S.T, though you didn't hear that from me. For now I will add those two, at least.

[Estelyn Telcontar]

Wow, Bêthberry, what you’re suggesting is no less than a Foster’s Complete Guide to REB!! That would be an ambitious project indeed! Should Robert Foster or any of his colleagues secretly frequent the Downs, looking for a new idea, please contact me. Volunteers may queue at the door.

As I see it, Diamond’s list (and let’s hear a big round of applause for the work she did for our benefit!) is simpler than that, a tool like a bilingual dictionary, to help the writers keep track of their creative outbursts. We do attempt to have a semblance of consistency in our madness, after all! The list should be limited to direct equivalents of ME names, places and objects. However, it is not the law of the Medes and Persians; I think we should allow for some flexibility, even outright changes if there is a good reason for them.

One change I’d like to suggest is the name of our parody M-E – I woke up with the words “Muddled-Mirth“ on my mind, and that seems so appropriate to what we’re doing here! Having read too many “Why didn’t the Valar help?” discussions has prompted me to think about a name change there as well – we could use “Valium” (alternate spelling: "Valleyum", those who live in the Far Valley behind the Far Mountains, perhaps) for them rather than for their home. Please drop me a line by PM or e-mail to let me know what you think, so that we don’t clutter the discussion thread unnecessarily. If you have suggestions for improved parody names, please let me know too.

I’m now working on the first post, so look for the story to begin this week.

[Thenamir]

Oh, wow, like, fer sure, the Valleyum. Like, you know, the ones who, like, created the world an' stuff, you know? I mean, like, they poke their heads in once in awhile, but, like, you know, they can't pay too much attention to what's goin' on over in Muddle-Mirth because, you know, the surf's up and there's, like, a *SALE* on at Macy's in the Galleria...

ROFL! I can just see the high-and-mighties as tanned, blonde California-valley-girl-surfer-dude types. Definitely needs a writer.

[Child of the 7th Age]

Has Pettygast breathed his last petty breath?

Hard to say. At this point the poor fellow is having trouble standing upright on two feet owing to his multiple commitments which he can't remember from one day to the next.

He will definitely not be a regular, but I will keep an eye on the thread and see if there's a spot where a cameo would be appropriate.

Esty, if you or anyone else feels that there's a spot where his [lack of] talent could be put to use, let me know.

Sharon

[Estelyn Telcontar]

'Tis done! In other words, the show is on the road; our tale begins. Next writer to post will be The Saucepan Man; he will establish the mytho-illogical background for his character and the story. After that, anyone is welcome to continue; please establish where your characters are now (most in the Wight City) and prepare them for the quest. We will be heading westwards; I will post the route soon for planning.

If you plan to create names for the Velour (yes, we will keep that name for the persons and use "Valleyum" for the land in which they live), please check them with me for consistency - I have plans...

Welcome to Muddled-Mirth!

Oh, and please do remember to disable your signature on the RPG thread!

[ July 09, 2003: Message edited by: Estelyn Telcontar ]

[Mithadan]

Why must members of my ennobled profession again be held up to scorn and ridicule? Loyers are not twisted greedheads whose sole purpose is to inflict pain, suffering and horror upon the people of Arda. Nay, many Loyers are people of conscience and morals, acting in the furtherance of justice and order pursuant to their oaths. Really. We are. Who's that laughing?

[The Saucepan Man]

Indeed we are, Mith. smilies/wink.gif

Well, since he's already made his appearance, I thought it worth posting here a potted history of Môgul, most of it shamelessly plundered from my first post:

Name: Môgul Bildûr ‘The Dread Developer’, the Velour formerly known as Melvin.

Residence: The Tower Block of Barát-Höm in Moredough, the Land of Shadowy Deals.

Age: Several thousand millennia.

Occupation: Dark Lord.

Specialist Subject: Developing the prime real estate of Muddled Mirth.

Appearance: Dark. Theories differ on whether, at the time of the Quest of the Fellow/Gal-ship, Môgul was able to assume physical shape. Some say that his capture following the War of Mild Irritation and subsequent banishment to the Void robbed him of his physical form and that he existed only as a dark cloud of pure unadulterated evil. Others speculate that he took the form of a terrible red flaring nostril, since it is said that the cruel Nose of Môgul wandered the realm of Muddled Mirth searching for the scent of the Ent that was Broken. And yet another school of thought holds that he appeared as a dark, shadowy figure clad in a shining suit of pin-striped armour.

History: The twin brother of the self-styled leader of the Velour, Manuël Sántana, it is said that Melvin Bluenote was originally the greatest of the Velour. After many millennia of bliss in the idyllic, if dull, realm of Valleyum, Melvin became discontented and, falling out with his brother, was forcibly ejected by the Velour from Valleyum to Dairyland in Muddled Mirth.

Seeking to convert the highly desirable real estate of Dairyland into highly lucrative luxury apartments, industrial estates, shopping malls and food halls, he was held back for many thousands of years by Elves and Men, who called him by the name of Môgul Bildûr ‘The Dread Developer’. But in negotiation he was second to none and, with the aid of his terrible servants the Korprat-Loyers, he gradually assumed title to almost the entirety of the freehold to Dairyland.

But the Velour, seeing the terrible destruction wrought by Môgul on Dairyland and harkening to the plea of Eärandnau the Marinade marched in anger against Môgul. And they defeated his forces in the War of Mild Irritation although, in the struggle, the lands of Dairyland were lost beneath the seas. Môgul was banished by the Velour to the Void, with Mantoes pronouncing his Doom thus:

Môgul, our brother, you have acted in folly
And now you won’t even say that you’re sorry.
So, at the risk of making you paranoid
We have no choice but to throw you in the void.

And it shall come to pass that an Ent shall be hewn
And its parts still living through Muddled Mirth strewn.
But when the Ent once more becomes whole.
You, my dear Môgul, can kiss goodbye to your soul.

After long years brooding in the inky blackness of the Void, news of the Ent that was Broken reached Môgul. And perceiving that its Reunification would spell his end, he broke free from the Void and once again walked the lands of Muddled Mirth. Fortunately for him Vinaigrettiel, the erstwhile evil twin sister of Saladriel and perpetrator of the Entish dissection, had stationed at the fortification of Gol Dulldor a lacklustre force of Orcs under the command of the inept Sourone. This served to distract the Fellow/Gal-Ship, buying Môgul sufficient time to raise the Tower Block of Barát-Höm in Moredough, the Land of Shadowy Deals. And there he once again took to plotting and scheming. For he knew that only by recovering the scattered pieces of the Ent that was Broken himself and destroying them in the fires of Odouruin would he free himself of his Doom allowing him to return to his diabolical plans for the redevelopment of Muddled Mirth.

[Diamond18]

I've updated the list to include the goofisms from Sauceman's wholloping whale of a post. smilies/biggrin.gif I'll keep on updating it whenever new names are coined (and minted), and since I'm so preternaturally fast at it *snark* you can bet your Bluenotes and Bellbottoms that I'll have them included within the day. Or two. Or three or four.

[Estelyn Telcontar]

Well, Saucepan Man, you do know how to make a grand entrance!! What an overwhelmingly awesome post! The wonderful parody names lengthened Diamond’s list considerably and prepared the way for the depths of the Legendarium that we intend to plum berry soon. Are the movie fans among our readers ready for this kind of heavy, serious literature? They may want to take notes! Maybe we will need quiz and quotes forums for REB trivia questions…

Both Saucepan’s and Barrow-Wight’s posts continue the tradition of quality poetry of which we are proud on the Gondor forum. Why, B-W’s poem is so lyrical that I spontaneously thought of a melody to which it could be sung!

I look forward to reading the next posts!

[Birdland]

I've updated the list to include the goofisms from Sauceman's wholloping whale of a post.

Names...all those names...(thud)

[Estelyn Telcontar]

Shiny new posts, and so many of them – how wonderful! Thanks to Mithadan and Thenamir for their new characters. It will be interesting to see how Grrralph and the Gateskeeper fit into the Fellow/Galship. Diamond, applause for the name of the newspaper – “Daily Floss” for Minus Teeth – brilliant! It’s nice to see Vogonwë and hear of Pimpiowyn again, and congratulations on their engagement! Will we be witnessing a wedding there soon? (Or are witnesses not canonical?) Squatter, a new sword, a new horse and a new leaf for Etceteron – wow! How will all this effect his ultimate manliness? Stay tuned…

Those characters who are joining the Fellowship should make their way to Sethamir’s Livery Stable, where the group will begin their journey westwards. The route we will be taking, roughly: Rohan, skirting the edge of Fangorn, then through the Gap (for those who haven’t had time to go shopping yet), up into Eriador, Bree, Barrow-Downs, Old Forest, Shire, Grey Havens, and on…

I have posted a save for Merisu's meeting with Etc. and sundry at the stables; however, should someone have a post that should precede it, I can delete the save, and post later.

[Kuruharan]

Estelyn-

I went ahead and posted since it does not really matter what order the posts go in since Kuruharan and Chrysophylax are not in Minus Teeth. You can either delete or fill in your save, which ever suits your fancy.

[Diamond18]

Woo hoo! Kuruharan coming through on the action! What a sickening (yet satisfying) post. smilies/wink.gif

Um, er, well! Nice song, Squatter. Shame he was cut off...

It’s nice to see Vogonwë and hear of Pimpiowyn again, and congratulations on their engagement! Will we be witnessing a wedding there soon? (Or are witnesses not canonical?)

Well, Esty, your classic fairy tale always ends with a wedding, or a double weddding, or a triple wedding, or a double quarter pounder with fries and a triple thick shake. Please pull around.

As to witnesses, I haven't really given it much thought, yet. But, I'm supposing that invitations will be writ, printed and sent out to whomever is still alive at the end, and some kind of official officiary will be drug up from the depths of non-canonicity to preside over the non-canonical vows. (I swear by the ever-loving guitar strap of Manuël Sántana, that I, ____ take thee ____ as my laughably wedded ____, until death, natural or otherwise, do us part...)

[Estelyn Telcontar]

Welcome back, Kuruharan, and what a great post! Looks like life has been considerably more exciting for the Dwarf and Dragon (sounds like an English pub, doesn't it?) than for the rest of the Itship. We mourn the death of Ralph, the chia pet, with you. *Estelyn bows her head respectfully, joining all readers in a moment of profound silence.*

Thenamir, what a lovely, awe-inspiring description of the Wight City's gates! I guess only a Gateskeeper would notice all of those details.

I have filled in my save with Falafel's secret diary - or must we call it a "blog"??

[Diamond18]

or must we call it a "blog"??

Where I come from a blog is something you experience when you have a cold.

[Mithadan]

...and it is said in that ancient tome of lore known as the Slumgullion, "the most vile and feared of the Dark Lord's servants were those bound by his strongest spells requiring them ever to sing show tunes..."

[ July 16, 2003: Message edited by: Mithadan ]

[Estelyn Telcontar]

Mith, thanks for another great post from you! Grrralph is a many-splendoured character, to get into the show-tune spirit. What lovely singing… and dancing too, of course! Who will play that role for the movie version? Has to be a talented guy.

I know it’s vacation time, and a couple of you are away with little or no internet access. Nonetheless, I hope we can keep the story going. Besides myself, Thena and Mith have each posted twice. Who’ll be next? I’ll post early next week, with Merisu taking tearful leave of Tofu. Please get your character(s) to the stable sometime soon so that we can leave the city. See you there!

[The Squatter of Amon Rûdh]

I'm away from this evening until late on Sunday. I've been leaving off posting again until we've all posted once or everyone's ready to move off, but I can put something up after the weekend if it will help.

Somehow I find an all-singing, all-dancing servant of evil more threatening. It's like watching Julie Andrews gone bad. You truly are a sick man, Mith. Congratulations.

[Kuruharan]

Alas, I can't post yet. More members of the Gallowship must gather because...

1) Kuruharan and Chrysophylax have magnificent entrance standards to maintain

and

2) The Gallowship may be obliged to make a quick and undignified exit... smilies/wink.gif

[ July 18, 2003: Message edited by: Kuruharan ]

[Mithadan]

When evaluating a compliment, one must properly take into consideration its source.

You truly are a sick man, Mith. Congratulations.


High praise indeed, coming from Squatter! smilies/wink.gif

I am on vacation next week and will have no computer access. If anyone feels an overwhelming need to involve their character with Grrralph (in a non-amorous fashion) feel free to do so.

I look forward to reading everyone's posts when I return.

[ July 18, 2003: Message edited by: Mithadan ]

[Lush]

I am getting over the SHOCK. Mithadan, how could you? The last shreds of my innocence have been pulverized.

smilies/wink.gif

[Mithadan]

Oh come now, Lush! Grrralph's singing isn't that bad.

Estelyn and Kuruharan, I am sending you each a PM regarding some future events so that Grrralph is appropriately situated in my absence.

[The Saucepan Man]

Singing and dancing servants of evil? More threatening? Hmm. Maybe Môgul should take note.

Er, I'm assuming you don't need him to come to the stable. smilies/wink.gif

[Diamond18]

Saucepan Man, you Scallywag. *whir, creak, hum* That's the sound of my computer trying to load the page with the Glossary on it. smilies/wink.gif

Um, is it too early to nominate Saucy for one of next year's Downie Awards...? Something along the line of "The Goof with the Numerously Goofiest Goofisms"? smilies/biggrin.gif

[The Squatter of Amon Rûdh]

Who, I wonder, could this mysterious Kafka be, who can turn characters into cockroaches by invocation? I wonder if that spell is much of a trial to cast.

[Estelyn Telcontar]

Wow, so many new posts in the last 24 hours - thanks, all! Diamond, Pimpi's new clumsiness is so funny - that's such a visual effect, like Laurel and Hardy! Her brush-off to Vogonwë is going to be a new favorite of mine: “Oh, go write a poem about it”! B-W, what a threat to the Wight City - Bad Breath! And am I the only one so slow that I finally got the "Porcelain Throne" reference when you mentioned closing the lid? Saucepan, the continuation of the mytho-illogical background is fantastic - you wove those threads of our past RPG adventure into it so wonderfully. And then the names - "Avatar, the Lord of the .Gifs" absolutely cracks me up!!

I've posted at the stable, so the group is now assembled to begin the adventure. Kuruharan will post the grand entrance of the Dwarf and Dragon next, unless someone wants to insert the purchase or purloining of a horse before we get started. (That could be told in retrospective, I suppose, so it's not absolutely necessary.)

[Lush]

I stuck the introduction of Leninia just now, since I am really not sure when I will be able to get to the computer over the next three to four days. I'll move it if necessary. Congratulate me, I am no longer an RPG Virgin (hopefully the fact that this virginity was lost very recently will allow you to forgive my inept performance, I promise to become more...skilled, as the time advances).

[Diamond18]

...like Laurel and Hardy!

An irate young half-halfling would like to poke her head into the discussion and remind you that though she has a healthy appetite, she is not fat. Not even big boned. Which made the physics of that growth spurt rather tricky...

As for myself, besides the visual of thin vs. fat, I'm not well acquainted with Laurel and Hardy's antics. So I'll have to take your word on that. smilies/wink.gif

And Lush, or Mommie Dearest, or what have you: Whatever could Lenina possibly have in mind for old Earnur? *blink blink*

[Kuruharan]

Okay, since Estelyn told me I could, all Udun has been unleashed.

As Mithadan asked, I saved a spot for him after my post. However, I'm not totally sure that he knew what I was planning. We probably should try not to abandon poor Grrralph there. (Although, who knows. He seems like the sort who enjoys wreckage.)

[ July 21, 2003: Message edited by: Kuruharan ]

[Diamond18]

Kuru's epic calamity of a post gave me an idea... So I nabbed a Save just in case I want to put it after Mith's post. I'll have to see where and what the Itship are doing at that point. I'll take it down if I can't make it fit.

Did you really think that after spending all that time with weak votive candles Voggy could really be totally apathetic about the fire? smilies/biggrin.gif smilies/wink.gif

[ July 21, 2003: Message edited by: Diamond18 ]

[Estelyn Telcontar]

...and even more great posts!! Welcome to the story, Lush – what a kewl introduction to our resident rock star! You’ll have all of our readers standing in line for backstage passes to that studio! (I can just hear the guide: “Welcome to the Marrow-Bones, and enjoy being dead!” smilies/wink.gif ) How exciting to meet another piece of the Ent-That-Was-Broken as well – this one not only talking, but producing music too.

Kuruharan, you have posted true to your reputation for the unexpected! You set that scene up wonderfully, wrote brilliant dialogues for the whole crew, and had me doubled over laughing with your musical fire references (Great balls of…, Burning ring of… ) and the scenes of monumental incompetence.

Now we have three saves to look forward to! The Itship will have to find its way back together outside the burning city, heading westwards. Other than that, no particular instructions for the next posts.

[Diamond18]

Stop the presses!!! ... Er, I mean, I filled in my Save.

Delightful little poem, Squat. In true Brownbarkian fashion. smilies/wink.gif

[Estelyn Telcontar]

Two saves filled in and three brand-new posts – wow! After reading all of the musical inspiration coming from the fire, I had a mental image of someone making music while a city burns – unrealistic, I know, and unprecedented, but I wrote a brief post about it anyway.

Diamond, the inspirational fire has encouraged Vogonwë not only to write poetry, but also to sing it? – horrors!! We’d better get out of there for sure! What original names your horses have, completely unfamiliar, smilies/tongue.gif and I do love your name for the common language – Westosterone!!

Thena, what a great way to get Gatesy introduced to the group! My favorite lines are the ones about the “fire-wall” and the beau/bow pun!! To say nothing of the wondrous Fad-o-Slacks, Lord of Horses and Fashion Pantaloons!

Squatter, poor Etceteron! Your description of his hangover is quite vivid, almost so much as to awake the suspicion that your knowledge of that state is not merely theoretical, unthinkable though that be! The poetry for Vogonwë is very true to character…

Birdland, welcome to the thread! How nice to have you posting again, though it is unusual to have you writing human characters! Well, someone needed to speak for the victims, the huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the nice normal people like swimsuit models and game show hostesses.

B-W, what great dental descriptions of the destroyed city!! The comparison to a hockey veteran is wonderfully evocative, and I liked the “bridge” pun! The Steward’s new motto is… um… interesting! smilies/wink.gif

Fantastic posts, all - I look forward to the next ones!

[Estelyn Telcontar]

After all that posting activity the past week, I guess a bit of "burn-out syndrome" smilies/wink.gif is to be expected. Real life demands will prevent me from writing a new post before early next week. Should any of you want to post now, just get the group or parts of it reassembled on the road westwards, with horses and whatever equipment is needed. For the approximate route, please check a map or just backtrack the Fellowship's steps in LotR.

[Mithadan]

Kuruharan, I am in awe of the wreckage wrought by the dwarf and his dragon (with the assistance of our dear Earnur). Thank you for saving the space I requested. However, the...action I had planned no longer fit after the momentous events of your post, so I have deleted the "save" and added a more humble post to the end of the thread.

Great posts everyone! Welcome Lush!

[Kuruharan]

smilies/redface.gif

I was sort of afraid that it would be that way.

**Disclaimer to Latest Post**

Any backward similarity to a recent movie interpretation of a certain book of our acquaintance is purely intentional.

[The Squatter of Amon Rûdh]

I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about, Kuruharan. I'm still laughing about it though.

[Thenamir]

Kuruharan, please expunge the reference to Gateskeeper from your latest post -- he's not yet joined up with the rest. Thanks!

[Birdland]

Kuruhuran - I tried to post an earlier entry based on the sacred word Doh!, but somebody closed the the site down for repairs just as I started to post. (hmmmph!)

Any chance I could post my entry, then you delete yours and move it below mine, for the sake of what little continuity we manage to achieve here?

[Mithadan]

I'll tag your post onto the end of mine, Lady Bird (Lady Bird?).

[Birdland]

Thankee, Mith! Now, if we could just do something about all those unsightly billboards lining the roads to Minus Teeth...

(Note - anyone who is under the age of 40, and not of American lineage, will read the above sentence and say "Huh?")

[The Saucepan Man]

Hehe, things have certainly been hotting up in Muddled-Mirth. Thanks to which the (Ultra-Brite) Wight City is mine, all mine ... or soon will be.

The Gorilla-ship ... er Gallow-ship will shortly have some unwanted guests hot on their trail, one of whom has taken quite a shine to Pimpi. But since I am off on my hols for 2 weeks this weekend, they will have to remain unseen for now.

Have fun in the meantime. And please feel free to wantonly slaughter any number of other minions of Mogûl. There are always more where they came from ... smilies/evil.gif

[Kuruharan]

Thenamir: smilies/redface.gif I wasn't sure so I dragged him along. Fixed.


Birdland: smilies/redface.gif (again) I'm glad that we got that all straightened out!

[Birdland]

No fault of yours, Kuru. I should have posted sooner. There was just something about that "D'oh!" that demanded a response.

Oh, BTW, Earnur. Thought you might want to know that somebody will want to kill you later. Carry on.

[The Saucepan Man]

"Doh" is a word of great power indeed. It was uttered by Mogûl when he realised how to escape from the Void. smilies/evil.gif smilies/cool.gif

What do you have in mind, Birdie? smilies/biggrin.gif

[Birdland]

smilies/biggrin.gif

[Mithadan]

Thenamir, I've sent you an e-mail.

Saucepan Man, you have a PM from me also.

[Estelyn Telcontar]

Thanks, all of you, for this week's great new posts! I enjoyed reading all of them. I have now filled in my save - it's pretty long, but the lesson in "How to be a Heroine 101 - Introduction to Shieldmaidening" was rather comprehensive. Now, for some quick comments on other posts:

Mith, Grrralph has now joined the Itship - his eloquence and astuteness will certainly be of great help! The ancient blessing you wrote of is so inspiring... smilies/rolleyes.gif

Birdie, you have introduced some interesting - what are they?? smilies/eek.gif We need an illustrator to draw pictures according to your descriptive...umm, descriptions.

Kuru, your post takes us down the road, as far as the woods of the Puking-Men and the geographically uncertain location of the Hidden Hideaway. Wouldn't those scenes look good as a movie?! smilies/cool.gif Too improbable, of course.

Thena, fie upon you for such vile language! "Mother-boards" indeed! smilies/mad.gif The Southern song is quite appropriate, and I like the "Dungeons of Default". How nice to have someone along who can help the Itship with their shoes...

Saucy, your descriptive passage about the wind sounds vaguely familiar - perhaps some movie I've seen?? smilies/tongue.gif Then the scary image of the flaming nostril! Enjoyed the song and the new character, Soregum - we'll look forward to seeing more of him after your holidays. Another vaguely familiar description - Mogûl's pet.

BW, you should collect commission fees from Nabisco - the beginning of your post made me hungry for cookies. smilies/wink.gif I love the name of the father of horses, Fellofftheroof, and the Proctor's new motto!

...and yet another post from Mith - you have definitely made up for your absence! smilies/smile.gif Such fun reading - Grrralph endearing himself to the Dwarf by "playing" with the Dragon!

Almost everyone posted this week; Diamond is having technical problems, so it may take some days before she can rejoin us, unfortunately. smilies/frown.gif

[The Squatter of Amon Rûdh]

As some of you already know, my business commitments this week have been pretty heavy, and I have to work tomorrow. Rest assured that Etceteron will make another misguided foray this weekend, Valar willing.

That last avalanche of posts has probably done my mind irreparable harm, but what fun it was reading them! Excellent work as usual, you reprehensible reprobates.

[Diamond18]

Ditto that. Reading all those posts in one sitting has done something to my mind which I'd rather not think about! smilies/biggrin.gif You folks actually make me guffaw out loud for prolonged stretches of time, which is rare. I laugh inwardly all the time, but truly! This stuff calls for guffaws.

As you can tell, I'm back from my technical difficulties. A dead monitor. But I now have a new one, and I really must take a moment to commend BW on the BD layout, which I never fully saw with my old, dark, on the blink-brink monitor. Wow. All the pretty colors and nuances of the shades of said colors look a lot lot better than I thought they did. smilies/tongue.gif

Anyway, back on topic: I'll try to update the Glossary soon. Right now I'm busy catching up with other stuff, and like I said, reading your posts does something to the brain. I almost feel like an adolescent gecko.

[Kuruharan]

Chrysophylax will be delighted to discover that he has fan-lizards. It will help to make up for his stinging humiliation at the hands of Grrralph. He will no doubt be happy to give his public souvenirs of himself, for a reasonable price.

[Estelyn Telcontar]

What a great post, Birdie, in the best tradition of your famous critter cameos! And in the best tradition of teenage fans too, of course…

Since we have passed the Forest of the Puking-Men, our next stop will be Edoras. The only thing I have found on the way there are the beacon hills, guiding lights so to say, if anyone wants to use them for something. Otherwise, conversations while riding or adventures while camping would be suitable to pass the time on the trip. Whoever wants to get us into Rohan is welcome to do so!

[Lush]

Oh guys. And oh dolls.

T.S.M., a.k.a. the Saucepan Man: your latest post reminded me a bit of Jack Nicholson in "As Good As it Gets," though naturally, your are much better-looking than Jack ever was or will be.

I am so glad this one is moving a wee bit slower than the original Entish Bow, though. Leaves me time to think and enjoy.

If I survive this month, I want you all to know that Leninia can't wait to have you all in her lair.

[Estelyn Telcontar]

Wonderful posts, folks! It’s always a pleasure to see how cues are picked up and developed – you are a great team of writers.

Kuru, your post was so enjoyable, almost audible with all of the mysterious noises! Kuru is a perfect manager for Chryssi – and couldn’t we take that as an example for doing some merchandising for the benefit of our reader fans?? “Buy your Chryssi and Entish Bow articles” – what’s that you say, BW? We only have T-shirts like Orogarn’s so far? Oh well, that’s a start…

Mith, thanks for the essential information on Grrralph – just what many readers wanted to know, I’m sure! You’re doing it again – taking a character who’d normally be a villain, giving him a human touch and making him likeable!

Diamond, the fight scenes cracked me up! Starting as a dog fight, turning into a fist/martial arts/sword fight and finally a food fight! As always, your post is excellent writing for all of the characters and pure fun to read.

I’m putting up a save to answer Diamond’s last sentence – I recognize a cue when I see one! Should anyone want to post at the scene of the cri – um, fight, please go ahead. I can move the save if necessary.

[Estelyn Telcontar]

I have finally filled in my save with a Merisuwyniel post. It is followed by Squatter’s post – nice to spend a little time getting to see things from the horse’s point of view! It is … enlightening to hear new bits of the history of Muddled-Mirth, and the poetry is … interesting as well! As to the threat that awaits the -ship – who shall relate that tale? (Ah, Thena shall – we look forward to reading that post when it’s finished!)

Birdie, what a creepy glimpse into the future, in a scary location – yet another danger that awaits our little company…

By the way, I shall be absent from Sunday till Wednesday; should anyone have any questions about the further plot, please try to reach me before or after that. As I already said, Rohan is the next stop.

[Thenamir]

I am very sorry for not filling in my troll post. WOrk has been hectic the last few days. I hope to have time to write and post in the next 24 hours. Thanks for your patience!

[Thenamir]

Well, guys, I know you're all waiting on me to write the next post (well, some people are on vacation), but I've been beset with overtime work and writer's block like I've never had before. Usually these posts almost write themselves, but I've had to struggle with this one, and I don't really know why.

I wanted to cary the story a bit further into the troll episode, but rather than keep the story held up any longer, I'm posting what I have. In my opinion, it's pretty lame, lacking in humor and in good style. If it needs to be revised or even tossed, let me know.

In the meantime, let the floodgates be broken, and carry it forward!

[Diamond18]

I put a save up because it seemed that a contest of truly awful language (well, to an extent) was in order. If this conflicts with other ideas, tell me...

[Thenamir]

A thought:

Since we have carried this parody into the realm of poking fun at chat, perhaps (either now or at some time in the future) the friends and relatives of the thankfully-departed troll can gang up on the It-ship for a "flood attack" of revenge. Anyone who wants to insert this idea (or ignore it) is free to do so.

And by the way, GREAT post, Diamond18. You took my lame lead and ran with it spectacularly.

[Estelyn Telcontar]

Thena, your post was good - apparently, you suffer from TPS (Tolkien Perfectionist Syndrome), a common ailment among LotR fans. I'm very glad that you picked up that cue and went with it, since I had no good idea - and you know how to write a troll!

Diamond, that was a great continuation of the story! Your writing is wonderful, and Vogonwë's poetry is exceptional, as always. For some reason, the usage of redneck dialogue by the troll didn't surprise me... smilies/wink.gif

Does anyone want to carry on with the troll storyline, as Thena suggested, or shall we move on from here?

[Mithadan]

What do you mean, do away with the Troll storyline? When have we ever said no to a subplot?

[Diamond18]

Nay, that would smack unsavorily of straight-laced storytelling! Subplots forever! Rah.

Thank you for the compliment, Thenamir: I found your post extremely inspirational, and could not have written a word without having chortled at your description and dialogue for the Troll.

I'm looking forward to reading the rest of the fight, Squatter. smilies/biggrin.gif

[Lush]

Big Bro...*er* Leninia is watching you! I'm putting up a modest save to give Leninia and the Entish Guitar a quick look-in: they're observing the theatrics from a safe distance at this point. This will be a very short post.
I'll move it if it jars too horribly with anything.
P.S. Can't wait for the continuation of the flame war. smilies/wink.gif

[The Saucepan Man]

How did I know that the Non-Gender-Specific-Ship would make such a meal (quite literally) of getting through Grundor while I was away? Still, it's been great fun catching up. Birdie's adolescent fangecks were brilliant and, well, there just had to be a food-fight. What work of serious and solemn literature, such as this is, would be complete without one? I also greatly enjoyed the troll encounter. It somehow seems very appropriate (can't quite put my finger on how smilies/wink.gif ). Like Lush, I await with baited (black) breath the flame war.

I have put in a save for Soregum and his companions to feature on the trail of the It-Ship (and possibly Mogul to indulge in a measure of stereotypical gloating). I might not be able to fill it in for a day or so, but it should stand alone and therefore need not affect (or be affected by) subsequent events.

[The Squatter of Amon Rûdh]

The trolls demonstrate the advantages of a classical education as they are defeated by the old Jason trick. If only all their kind were so easy to beat.

[ August 19, 2003: Message edited by: The Squatter of Amon Rûdh ]

[Lush]

Filled in my trite little save. Trolls = yummy. My mood is dark this week (am going back to college and facing a loooong semester of math classes), so my apologies for my bleak attempts at humour.

[Estelyn Telcontar]

Even the saves are fun to read on this RPG!! I think four on one day set a new record! It's nice to see them being filled in now.

Mith, that was a (Naz-)cool meeting between Grrralph and a former colleague! The Itship is lucky, of course, that he chose to stay and warn them of the approaching danger.

Squatter, you continued the troll battle wonderfully! The contrast of speech style between the heroic Etc. and the trolls is great, and who’d have thought that pîtsar is the stuff of which they were made!

Lush, we could almost feel sorry for poor, neglected Leninia if we didn’t have a suspicion that she was responsible for her own loneliness. The Bow will be happy to meet the Guitar when we get there...

Birdie – H.O.U.S.es!! Hilarious! Muddled-Mirth is indeed full of strange and wonderful creatures, though they seem vaguely familiar.

I am planning a post to get us moving along; would anyone like to play with the H.O.U.S.es before we do? If so, please let me know ASAP; otherwise, my post will go up tomorrow.

[Mithadan]

Mithadan hangs head in shame and shambles up to the podium. A group of people look on expectantly. The counsellor says, "Go on..."

"Ok, my name is Mithadan and...I didn't see The Two Towers. There! I said it! Man do I feel better."

Various members of the crowd: "Get the rail." "Who has the feathers?" The cauldron of tar bubbles ominously...

[The Saucepan Man]

Alas, Mith. You have not yet witnessed the delights of the curious hyena-lemming-teddybear beasts that have the audacity to call themselves Wargs. They seem to be featuring rather heavily (and brilliantly) in our tale.

I have eventually managed to fill in my save. Apologies for the delay. I appear to have contracted Thenamir's writer's block. It's a tad uninspired, I'm afraid, but I suppose that, when all else fails, there's always revolting body habits to fall back on. smilies/rolleyes.gif

[Estelyn Telcontar]

Fie upon you, Mith smilies/eek.gif – neglecting to research the scholarly sources for your posts, and that on the highest level of RPing on the Downs, where canonical knowledgeability is a prerequisite! Go do your homework now!

Saucy, smilies/biggrin.gif what a wonderful interpretation of the sunrise! The twisting of Elves into Orcs has changed the meaning, but we do recognize the similarity. And the companions have received yet another name – the His-and-Hers-Ship!

Diamond, smilies/rolleyes.gif that’s an interesting reason Vogonwë gives for his bad taste in rhymes!

Kuruharan, smilies/wink.gif thank you for passing on the dragon’s statement – we certainly wouldn’t want to do him any injustice! The records are indeed an interesting document, or they would be if we knew how much of them was true!

I would now like to get us moving toward our next goal, the land of Soreham, where long hours of riding have left their mark on the Men of the Mike. Does anyone want to post our arrival? We can certainly stay at [insert witty equivalent for the White Horse Inn here] when we arrive there; after that, expect encounters with its rulers and/or people… If no one posts or lets me know before early next week, I will get us there.

[Mithadan]

Wait! What about poor Orogarn? We can't go so Sorehan (actually I was hoping for Rogaine) without him can we? Grrralph will be...well...how long until we get there?

[Kuruharan]

Esty: All of the Translator's remarks are true, as far as he knew.

Mithadan: Following the logic set forth in the movie, unceremoniously abandoning Orogarn Two to his fate ensures that he will show up again.

[Estelyn Telcontar]

The Itship has now reached Soreham and awaits a cameo appearance by a guest star from Hollywood! All others, please wait to post, unless you have something that doesn't interrupt the storyline, now that we have one again... (In that case, please contact me to see if it fits in now or later.)

Lest I forget - credit where credit is due: some parts of my two most recent posts were the result of a joint brainstorming with Squatter - thanks for the ideas, Etc.!

[ August 25, 2003: Message edited by: Estelyn Telcontar ]

[Diamond18]

Soreham?! smilies/biggrin.gif

I'm sorry that I haven't updated the Glossary in while; I've quite gotten behind on all the names that have been twisted since last I did. Of course, this doesn't mean that I'm going to do it today, or tomorrow, or the day after that, which is tomorrow's tomorrow. But at least you know I'm thinking about it.

[The Squatter of Amon Rûdh]

It's the thought that counts.

[Mithadan]

*Mithadan blinks hard...twice...at the identity of the cameo RPGer.

*Takes deep breath and calms himself, attempting to think rationally.

*After several minutes of reasoned analysis, Mithadan concludes that either: (1) someone has hacked into Underhill's account; or (2) it's the end of the world.

*Panic sets in and Mithadan runs screaming to the nearest bomb shelter...

[Estelyn Telcontar]

You underestimate the perseverance of my persuasive powers, Mith!

[The Squatter of Amon Rûdh]

That's as maybe, Estelyn; but that doesn't rule out the possibility that this presages the end of the world. Given the company I'm predicting a sort of 'Ragnarok on Ice' with bright costumes, lots of feathers and people being hacked to pieces with axes. Just don't everyone argue about who gets to play the Fenris Wolf.

[Birdland]

(Birdie enters, humming happily) "D'oh-dee-d'oh-dee-d'oh...Hey, why's everybody screaming and running away? Hmm....anyway - Fenris-wolves comes under the catagory of "critter cameo". And that's me!"

(Birdie pulls out rope made from fishes' breath, bird spittle, woman's beard, cat's miaow, bear sinew, and mountain roots. Sets off to hunt a Fenris-wolf.)

[Mister Underhill]

Yes, Esty's wiles are nearly as persuasive as those of Merisu. You have her to thank (or blame) for my involvement.

I feel like the new kid on the playground, so just let me know if I need to punch any of you in the nose to earn some respect for myself... er... I mean, let me know if I've mishandled any of your characters or need to fine tune anything.

Thena, I dropped the ball in your court as we (very briefly) discussed. We can talk more if you want help hashing out the encounter with Érry or any of the events that will lead the Itship to Improvas and the Goldlamé Hall, where Théboleggen (the King of Soreham, descended in a long, unbroken line from Bandyshanks the Young) is deeply ensnared in the web of his most trusted advisor, Hamstrung.

EDIT: Esty wisely advised me to list a few other names and ideas we discussed privately so that they can be jointly mangled by all players:

'Hamstrung' is only what they call him behind his back; 'Hasbéen' is his real name. In the queer tongue of the Mike, he is the King's "Émsee" -- his herald and most trusted advisor.

Following the encounter with the Riders, the group may just end up dropping by the Horse Head Inn, wherein may be met stocky fellows who wear pinky rings and make offers that are not lightly refused.

[ August 26, 2003: Message edited by: Mister Underhill ]

[Diamond18]

Be honest: you just joined to see if you could break your own creation, the Travest-o-Meter. And I must say, you have put a strain on the poor thing.

To those of you are going to run off a cliff screaming and/or hide in a bunker awaiting the end of the world: can I have your stuff?

[Mister Underhill]

I must give all due and proper credit to my illustrious co-inventor, Dr. Squatter. Unfortunately, all our results were skewed by the unexpected release of the AraKen and Barwen dolls on the same day. Now our sensitive, finely calibrated machine is nothing but a melted hunk of junk. *Sigh*. Back to R&D...

[The Squatter of Amon Rûdh]

Why thank you, Dr. Underhill. It is indeed a sad day for the Travesty Quantification Project. The most obvious lesson is that since Tolkien became Hollywood blockbuster material the Travest-o-meter, which was designed only for the milder abuses encountered prior to its conception, will have to include an automatic damper and probably some sort of focusing capability. It's also clear that we'll need much more robust microphones: noise levels of up to two-hundred decibels were logged on that last test, not to mention some Old-English words that you won't find in any textbook. I've a nasty feeling that we're reaching Auctorial Manifestation Point (AMP) in the Tolkien world, so that each new word written further provokes the appearance of an irate professorial shade armed with some very biting sarcasm. That being so, this equipment will need to be a lot tougher.

On a more cheery note, that was another hilarious post, as one would expect from someone whom Estelyn has been pestering for ages to join us. The unrestrained and somewhat athletic individual was rather striking in more ways than one, and I can't help but feel that I recognise him from somewhere.

Playground pecking orders here appear to be decided by a game of Charades or in the Swiftian manner of jumping over or ducking under a walking cane. The punching is strictly optional, although my nose is your nose in that respect.

No, Diamond, you may not have my collection of novelty bookmarks in the shape of unopened credit card application forms. Well, maybe once the world's actually come to an end...

[ August 27, 2003: Message edited by: The Squatter of Amon Rûdh ]

[Mister Underhill]

Yes, yes, excellent foresight! I’ll begin work on an ectoplasmic modulator which will shield the equipment when Tolkien’s shades begin to rise and head off on their sarcastic errands. The next iteration also quite clearly needs to include industrial grade components and be designed for near one hundred percent uptime. In the past, we could expect reasonable blocks of offline time for maintenance and recalibration – when Robert Jordan was sleeping, for instance, or in between releases of new Hildebrandt Brothers paintings – but this is no longer the case. A redundant array of Travest-o-meters may be the best solution. The load can in this way be distributed across multiple units, and when one becomes overloaded or is burnt out by the unforeseen release of some profane new marketing product or the launch of a fangirl website, it won’t crash the entire system.

Thanks for the compliment. It’s an honor to participate with such a well-endowed group of scribblers. I wonder if Érry will survive his run-in with the Itship, whose penchant for capricious violence is well documented. His chances may be improved by the ability of some First Chair Riders of the Mike to fire amazingly accurate volleys of arrows from the strings of their cellos and violins as they ride.

[Estelyn Telcontar]

Underhill, welcome to the REB! What a wonderful initial post, splendidly written and full of fun! You have now explained how the name “Men of the Mike” originated and simultaneously broadened our musical horizon with a whole orchestra – to say nothing of the introduction of such a flamboyant character as Érry! Such interesting runes he wears, such fascinating speech! “Érry’s Equestrian Event of Pain” - lol! We and all readers look forward to your next posts.

Thena, what a great job you did picking up the cue! What a triumphant champion Gatesy is – and his knowledge of yet another language is amazing! This is the first the Itship has seen of his magical abilities – the firewall is a useful defence indeed!

Mith, third admin in a row – how’s that for illustrious posters! Hmmmm, Grrralph’s past contacts with Loyers are showing in that post, aren’t they?! We are getting a glimpse of his mist-erious past – and can’t help but wonder where his loyalties will lie in the future!

Looks like the Itship will be heading for the common room of the Horse Head Inn first, drinking with their newly-found friends – who wants to get us there?

[The Squatter of Amon Rûdh]

I've filled in my brief digression into the dark realms of Earnur's boating past. Go for the clowning, stay for the rather fine posts that follow.

[Mithadan]

"Herbs", eh?

Fine posts, all! Welcome to our twisted little world, Sir Underhill! Great job!

Does Muddled-Mirth have a telegram service? It may be that Grrralph might wish to speak to someone about medical benefits... In the interim, Merisu better keep an eye upon her bow, Two when she can spare them.

[The Saucepan Man]

May I echo the welcomes and compliments of the company, Mister Underhill, although I am but a newcomer myself in these wit-ridden parts.

May I ask, will this little machine that you and Dr Squatter are fashioning be available for domestic use? It seems to me that it will be be an essential piece of kit for warding off the phantasmic philologists that the casual reader risks invoking by perusal of these priceless pages.

And, Squatter, Earnur's boating past in the dreaming spires of Morbîrsluv goes a long way towards explaining his soaked present. May he find his way one day to the Great Gin-Palace of his forefathers.

Mith's post suggested to me that it was an appropriate moment for some further plotting by Mogul. I can delete the save if it interferes with anything. If not, I will try to fill it in in the next day or so. Again, it needn't hold the story up.

[Kuruharan]

For some reason I suddenly have a feeling that the glorious Quest is going to ultimately end up in a rather unseemly brawl as all the various members of the Gallowship make their various attempts to seize the Entish Bow for their own ends.

Sounds like it will be fun! smilies/wink.gif

[The Squatter of Amon Rûdh]

And with whom would we, the punters, place our bets for that battle royale? I have my suspicions (psst... five quid each way on the bow).

Excellent planning as usual, Underhill. Army surplus radio equipment is usually the most robust, but I'll have a look round and see what I can come up with. It looks to me like the Global Travesty Grid (once thought to be beyond the reach of science) is finally a possibility.

All in good time, Saucepan. At the moment we have 1 (one) melted lump of metal and plastic, other ranks for the use of and a lot of design and planning documentation. I can't see why a home unit couldn't be created that scans the grid for travesties in progress, thus warning the casual denizen of Tolkiendom of imminent threats in their regions. Something like GPS would certainly appear to be workable given the esteemed Dr. Underhill's ground-breaking array concept. However, we're a long way from anything commercially viable. At the moment it's scientific purposes only, I'm afraid. Perhaps we could ship you a prototype once we have one to spare.

[Mister Underhill]

Thanks for all the warm welcomes from the group.

Sauce, as my colleague Dr. Squatter has so ably explained, there are no plans for a home-use device in the foreseeable future. That doesn't mean, however, that you shouldn't take common sense precautions!

I recommend that you (and all REBers) keep a copy (preferably first edition hardback) of HoME 3 - Lays of Beleriand close at hand. If a shade should appear, turn it by reading the Lay of Leithian aloud, paying special attention to the rhythm of the octosyllabic couplets in your recitation.

In some cases the shade may sit down and make himself at home, but fear not. Stay awhile and be patient; if you read through to the abandoned endpoint of the poem, he will eventually shuffle off, muttering revisions in the verse, to haunt more likely victims.

A shade may be turned much more quickly by reading aloud Oilima Markirya (The Last Ark, from "A Secret Vice") in the original Elvish, but this method is recommended only to the most doughty Tolkienites, as improper pronunciation is likely only to further enrage the apparition.

Field tests have shown that the odor of pipe tobacco has a calming effect on the Professor's much-aggrieved spirit. This may not be much help to a hapless fan fictioneer who finds him or herself under sudden sarcastic assault by a tweedy spectre, as loading and lighting a pipe under such circumstances would be trying to say the least. However, it may be not unwise to string a few bags of weed around your neck and/or over the doorframes of your abode as a precaution before you begin to compose.

Lastly, it hardly needs to be mentioned that you should never, under any circumstances, open an e-mail with an Old English subject line. Delete such missives immediately. Subject lines like "Ic grete þe" and "Ic sæcge eow þancas" have been reported in the past.

For more information, visit www.travestyquantificationproject.org/security.htm. (http://www.travestyquantificationproject.org/security.htm.)

[Birdland]

Can't we just hit it with a stick while singing nonsense?

[Kuruharan]

And with whom would we, the punters, place our bets for that battle royale?

I have a feeling that the more unpredictable the candidate the better.

I do know which one of them is going to be running the book.

Can't we just hit it with a stick while singing nonsense?


Yeah, well, that too...

[Thenamir]

Since the Barwen and Kenagorn picture blew out the Travest-o-meter, I suggest that before you go to full-up testing on the newest model with that picture, there is an interim test which may provide useful but not excessive travestic values for calibration purposes. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you...

The 12-inch Talking Gollum PLUSH TOY. (http://216.247.86.99/miva/merchant.mv?Screen=PROD&Store_Code=E&Product_Code=LOTR075&Category_Code=)

Seismographic data from the Oxford area indicate that the rate at which The Professor is spinning in his grave is on the increase...

[Diamond18]

What kind of demented child would take that thing to bed to cuddle with?

[The Squatter of Amon Rûdh]

*Smiles quietly

[Diamond18]

Well, I guess that answers my question. smilies/rolleyes.gif

[Birdland]

But you can do so much with him, Diamond. You could make him little designer loinclothes, and give him a comb-over, or you could buy two of them and have "Slinker" and "Stinker" without that whole bipolar issue.

Ooooh, you could put little suction cups on his hands and feet and stick him to your car window!

If this is travesty, I don't want to be canon.

[Estelyn Telcontar]

I am thinking of renaming this RPG "The Society for Saving Saves". smilies/rolleyes.gif Or perhaps "The Society for Saving Sidetracks"? "The Society for Saving Sidetracking Saves" - that's it! Anyway, having a vague idea that a story is supposed to have a plot and some resemblance of continuous action, I am working on a post to get the Itship to the Horse Head Inn in Improvas. It will be finished within a day, two at the latest. (Look for me at the rising of the sun on the fifth day - oops, wrong line...)

[The Saucepan Man]

SAVE - for Saucepan to say that he has filled his SAVE in and apologise profusely for the inordinate delay. smilies/tongue.gif smilies/wink.gif

[Lush]

*Lush looks up from underneath a crushing pile of calculus homework, Victorian Literature, major declaration deadlines and pool games*

Great job guys. Keep at it. Rah rah REB. Underhill, Underhill, he's our man, if he can't do it, no one can.

*Lush disappears into her pile once more and the pile emits pathetic weeping noises*

[Mithadan]

Priorities, Lush! Priorities!

What's more important? A fresh, new, creative RPG or some stale old derivatives that a million people have done before?

[Thenamir]

Another fine post, O Man-Of-Stovetop-Cookware. Everyone seems to handle the Gateskeeper character better than I...

An ever-so-small nit-pick, though -- McRoneld's is the large dining concern of Muddled-Mirth, not McDonelds.

[Estelyn Telcontar]

Whoopee, we have added class to our RPG with our very own cheerleader! smilies/cool.gif Go, Lush!

Saucy, what a wonderful post – and well worth waiting for! It seems that you have used bits of yet another MM language – Legalése! The Pé-Är efforts made me laugh the most! - and of course, the purpose for which the army was bred… smilies/biggrin.gif

Whew! BW – what a relief (and how unexpected!) to see that Orogarn (Two, of course) survived and is on his way back into the main plot. Hmmm, that police report looks so convincingly genuine – where would you know about those?? smilies/tongue.gif

Kuruharan, once again you manage to destroy a location – this time before we even get there! smilies/rolleyes.gif Let’s hope our cameo star wasn’t hurt in the process…

Mith, Grrralph is starting to scare me! He wouldn’t be contemplating turning traitor on the Itship, would he? smilies/eek.gif

I’ve put up a save for a dream sequence I wanted to squeeze in – it can be deleted or moved if it doesn’t fit.

[Bêthberry]

I am amused, much amused. Stupendously amused even. Really, rumours otherwise notwithstanding. Proceed. smilies/wink.gif

"Dêthderrydol the Half-enigma"

[Mithadan]

All in good fun, Bethberry!

I've edited my last point to take care of a very small detail...well maybe not so small... smilies/biggrin.gif

Why, Estelyn! I'm shocked. Grrralph is harmless. Wouldn't harm a fly. *looks for the angel smiley and curses when he can't find it.

[ September 03, 2003: Message edited by: Mithadan ]

[Estelyn Telcontar]

Hmmm, Mith - "She", then "him"?? Mithteriouth indeed! Even more strange - Orogarn isn't with the Whatevership yet...

Oh, and congratulations to Saucy for an absolute novelty - first time ever someone has posted a "save" on a discussion thread!! smilies/biggrin.gif

[ September 04, 2003: Message edited by: Estelyn Telcontar ]

[Mithadan]

Whoops, edit underway...

[The Saucepan Man]

Why thank you Thenamir, but you are the undisputed Master of the Microsoft pun. smilies/smile.gif

I thought that the Master of the Hidden Valley Ranch was Roneld McDoneld, hence McDonelds, but I can edit it if not. Heck, it is soon to be re-named MögDönelds anyway. smilies/evil.gif

With almost depressing predictability someone’s greed had become inflamed at the sight of the golden roof of the hall on the hill ...

smilies/biggrin.gif I love depressing predictability, Kuruharan. smilies/biggrin.gif

It seems that you have used bits of yet another MM language – Legalése!

Yes, Esty, but it remains an obscure language, for it is one that even conphirmed philologists quail at the mention of. smilies/wink.gif

So, Mith, Grralph wants to cut a deal, does he? Well, we shall just have to see what he has to offer ... I love the confusion over Jjjohn's prophecy. smilies/biggrin.gif

[Diamond18]

Sorry for my delay in filling in my save. Further apologies for filling it in with such a short nothing of a post. But right now I don't have the time or energy for a truly creative post, so this will have to do (don't worry, there's nothing wrong with me, I'm just rather busy with other writing commitments). Anyway, I hope to try working in some kind of post about Pimpi's Sorethingingham childhood eventually, I just have no idea what to write... smilies/rolleyes.gif

[Thenamir]

You are quite correct, O Bearer-of-Sauce-Preparation-Equipment. My memory, as is becoming all too frequent, is playing tricks on me. My mistake.

[The Barrow-Wight]

I've filled in my save, and Orogarn Two is in Improvas. Feel free to integrate him back into the group.

[Estelyn Telcontar]

Merisu's Dreme may now be read - gradually, the saves are being filled in! smilies/smile.gif It would be nice to get the story moving along this week, since I will be away for a couple of weeks as of next Monday. smilies/eek.gif (Closer to most of you, since in the US, but lacking PC and internet access for the most part, alas! smilies/frown.gif )

Question: Would you all like to keep going while I'm gone? At our present pace, we needn't worry about too much plot progress, I imagine! smilies/wink.gif You should manage enough sidetracks, pauses and saves to fill the time, smilies/tongue.gif and if anyone gets inspired and creative, more power to you! I hope to be able to look in often enough to keep up with developments. smilies/cool.gif

[Mithadan]

Your wish is our command, Lady Estelyn!

Hopefully, Underhill's clue will be a good one! It seems that while the Itship has tarried on it's journeys Mogûl has not been idle.

As for Grrralph, he is now doing his sums and trying to put two and two together. Unfortunately, he comes up with 6 3/4 as an answer but he's working on it...

[Mister Underhill]

Quite a -- *ahem* -- revealing dream, Esty.

Sorry for the delay on filling in my save. I should have a post up by tomorrow around lunchtime-ish.

I could drop the clue at Horse Head and then get the Itship all the way into the Goldlamé Hall -- or we could take things slow and toss in a sidetrek or two before meeting Théboleggen King.

If I take the group to Goldlamé, I should probably shift my post down after Mith's latest.

[ September 08, 2003: Message edited by: Mister Underhill ]

[Mister Underhill]

I know, I know... almost twenty-four hours late on his promised deadline and he's posting again? Who is this upstart cameo punk?

It seemed natural to break the post I was working on up into two pieces -- Horse Head, then Goldlamé, and the first part got away with me a bit. I'll get the Whatevership to the Hall with a short post within an hour or two. I swear. No, really.

[Mithadan]

Indeed it did get away with you a bit, Mr. Underhill, though well worth the effort both of the writing and the reading. Rimbaud's temporary departure from BD resulted in the early retirement of the Pun Wraiths. It appears that they are needed again. We await your next installment, sir!

[Mister Underhill]

What can I say? I'm apparently a congenital overwriter. It was clearly overly ambitious of me to aim to provide both Horse Head Inn color and get the Itship to the Hall in one round, but now it is done.

In any case -- breathe a sigh of relief! Unless I miss my guess, here endeth the cameo. I expect that Soreham will be a dot in the rearview mirrors of the Gallowship by the end of the next round of posts (a burning dot seems most likely).

Thanks for having me aboard. It's been great fun!

[ September 11, 2003: Message edited by: Mister Underhill ]

[Rimbaud]

The pun-wraiths have not retyred, although one of them has a flat.

[Estelyn Telcontar]

”I wonder, shall we ever see Underhill again?” Merisuwyniel asked wistfully.

“We may yet, Miss Merisu, we may yet…” answered Lord Etceteron.


Undé, thanks for those wonderful posts – it’s been our privilege to have you along for the ride! smilies/wink.gif You may not have known it at that time, but when you chose your personal title, you were predestined for an equine-noxious RPG appearance! Your account of the night’s activities at the Inn is smashing, not only for its humorous narrative but also for your expert handling of the other characters – true for your second post as well. Your description of the Soreham culture of performing arts is quite fascinating. The Shakesbeere play... And you introduced us to yet another great character of the Riding Hoods - Hámanchese! The Bouncer’s attempts to be authoritative are so hilarious. Then the scene in the Goldlamé Hall, Grimy, the King, Éowhine as serving wench – there is no way I can mention all of the funny parts of your posts. You can get carried away with writing on this RPG any day!

BW, you started something with those billboards, and came up with a great name for the nonexistent river! Nice to have Orogarn Two back with the Anonymous-Ship.

Mith, great job of picking up that cue and making something sinister of those billboards. The poem adds to the dark mood of pending destruction, as does Grrralph’s uncertain status as a reformed character.

Charming new post, Birdie! That puppy description was so touching, so reminiscent of Bambi; if our readers aren't sobbing now, it's certainly not your fault!


For those of you who ask themselves (and me) if there is method to this madness, I reassure you, there is. Not much, granted, but this is a quest with a purpose, you know! So for those who continue with the next posts, we need to have that audience with the king (exorcism, anyone? This is turning into more of a movie parody than one of the books!) and procure the pieces of the Ent-That-Was-Broken before anyone destroys the hall or burns down the city, please! smilies/tongue.gif Finding those wooden pieces shouldn’t be difficult (if you didn’t catch Underhill’s clue, contact him or me), but retrieving and transporting could…

Rim, nice to see that Halfullion's ghost is still hanging around!

[Mithadan]

A Pun Wraith appears in a puff of green smoke. His hands are black with grease and road grime. He appears to be in a foul mood.

He taps Rimbaud on the shoulder and hands him a citation. Then he looks around before speaking. "Now where's this Underhill dude?" He waves a stack of citations meaningfully.

Uh, Estelyn, are we now going to need a wagon for the various Entish body parts?

Bird, a fine post! I am sending you a PM. Seeing as you are the critter cameo specialist I may need your assistance...

[Mister Underhill]

Thanks for the compliments, and backatcha to all players on all counts. The writing in Gondor is top notch, I must say, and sets a formidable challenge to rise to.

I'm not sure what sort of scheme Hamstrung is caught up in, but I've a feeling it may include a cadre of loyers and certainly a word or two from "our sponsors" during the audience with the King.

And no one ever said that rebuilding an Ent was going to be easy.

Well, got to keep one step ahead of those Pun Wraiths, so I'm off.

* Underhill slips on a Ring and disappears. *

[ September 11, 2003: Message edited by: Mister Underhill ]

[Birdland]

* Underhill slips on a Ring and disappears. *
I slipped on a banana peel once, but I didn't disappear. Wish I had.

[Diamond18]

I've updated the Glossary. I just need to know what, if anything, "Quexchinmike" means. Thanks. (And by the way, even if you guys never looks at the G, please lie and tell me that you do).

You're all very funny, and I thank you for keeping my characters alive. I look forward to the Sorethinghhim Idolization. I mean, really, it beats having to go to the dentist and work tomorrow, it will brighten my day when I stumble home in the evening. Yes, Thena, this is pressure to have it written by then. smilies/biggrin.gif Remember Pimpi can play the penny whistle. smilies/tongue.gif

[Estelyn Telcontar]

Diamond, I do check the Glossary every time I'm not sure if we've already done a parody name for something, (or I know we have, but I've forgotten it! smilies/rolleyes.gif )and I know others do as well. Thanks for the hard work of keeping it up! smilies/smile.gif

[Mister Underhill]

I slipped on a banana peel once Do people really do that? I'll bet you've also been in a custard pie fight. C'mon, give, Birdie -- are you really one of the Stooges?

Diamond -- if it's any consolation, I made frequent use of the G during my stint. It was very helpful. 'Quexchinmike' was just a play (admittedly a rather long-reaching one) on 'Riddermark'.

[Mithadan]

At the rate things are going, we may need a pronunciation guide as well. I had to look at 'Quexchinmike' three times before I figured out the pun. Of course, I'm notoriously slow on the uptake.

Regarding the pie fight issue, please see the first party scene at the Green Dragon in the Shadow of the Star RPG. smilies/wink.gif

[The Saucepan Man]

Diamond, the Glossary is essential reading and well worth the admirable effort. smilies/smile.gif One suggested addition: the Mire, from where Soregum's Old Toothrot pipeweed was smuggled.

I had to look at 'Quexchinmike' three times before I figured out the pun.

Um, I'm still looking at it. smilies/rolleyes.gif

I have added in the next stage of Soregum's journey. Alas the Trackers are no more (I got bored of them smilies/evil.gif ).

[Mister Underhill]

Mark > Mike > Quexchinmike (Question Mark). Sheesh. Even Babe Ruth only connected on three out of every ten pitches. Sometimes one goes off the end of your bat, okay?

[Mithadan]

smilies/eek.gif Jerry Springer is shown in England? smilies/eek.gif No wonder the Europeans think we Yanks are idiots.

[The Saucepan Man]

Even Babe Ruth only connected on three out of every ten pitches.

Um, Babe Ruth? smilies/wink.gif

Jerry Springer is shown in England?

Hey, where else do you think we're gonna learn about American culture? smilies/biggrin.gif

[ September 12, 2003: Message edited by: The Saucepan Man ]

[Diamond18]

Feel no shame, Mith, they gave us the Osbournes, not to mention the fact that 80% of Reality TV shows originated in Europe (and the other 20% are spin-offs and copycats of those shows). I made up those statistics, but hey, I'm sure it's something like that.

Aaaah, Riddermark > Questionmark > Quexchinmike. Ahahaha. Ha. (Am I convincing? smilies/tongue.gif)

[Mister Underhill]

It's a tough room.

[Kuruharan]

I have added in my latest piece of inanity.

Moving along to the actual plot, were we supposed to be drifting to the GAP of Soreham?

I have a semi-amusing idea for an intro to that if and when we get there.

[ September 13, 2003: Message edited by: Kuruharan ]

[Estelyn Telcontar]

I'm on my way out, leaving you on your own for the next weeks. smilies/eek.gif Please take good care of Merisu for me. Should you desire to carry on with the plot, consider following matters:
1) We need the parts of the Ent-That-Was-Broken before leaving Soreham.
2) If we completely destroy *every* city through which we travel, it's gonna get boring.
3) Before we head for the GAP of Soreham, we will detour through the Forest of Canned Corn. That is not the direct route, but when did that ever stop us?!
That should keep you going for a bit, and I hope to be able to take a look and perhaps write briefly sometime in there. Have fun!

[Diamond18]

Kuru and Squat: the off-topic nature of your posts is nothing short of scandalous. You are both very naughty boys. smilies/tongue.gif

[Kuruharan]

If we completely destroy *every* city through which we travel, it's gonna get boring.


Not if we do things right. smilies/tongue.gif

Kuru and Squat: the off-topic nature of your posts is nothing short of scandalous. You are both very naughty boys.

A fine example of the pot calling the kettles black. smilies/wink.gif

We do seem to have cut the plot loose to fend for itself, though.

[The Squatter of Amon Rûdh]

It isn't a post; it's a save. Did I neglect to mention that? Actually the translator's note will remain, but there will be some storyline once I know what happened three posts earlier.

However, if the long and heroic tale of self-sacrifice that is the story of this text's translation into modern English is off-topic, then so is humanity itself. This being the case, I pronounce myself beyond the pale of this thread's topic, and throwing dead rodents over into its gardens.

[Diamond18]

It isn't a post; it's a save.

Oh, well that's rather inconvenient. smilies/tongue.gif Your post has to end with "now for a little light music..." or mine makes no sense whatsoever (not that it does now, but, you know. smilies/biggrin.gif)

Yes, Kuru my fine Kettle, one could say that our plot is going to pot. smilies/wink.gif

[ September 16, 2003: Message edited by: Diamond18 ]

[Mithadan]

Perhaps we should properly await Thenamir's post before continuing with posts of our own (hint, hint).

[Thenamir]

<Thenamir almost writes a time machine into his next post before realizing that he'd once again crossed the line between fantasy and his reality...>

Mea Culpa. I'm grinding it out even now. I can't commit to an ETA, but it will be ASAP.

[The Barrow-Wight]

I have ended up in Pennsylvania for the week with very shoddy internet access. I will catch up on Friday or Saturday (if we still have power). Once again Orogarn is late, and I apolgize.

[Thenamir]

You are not as late as I. I currently hold the record for the longest unfilled save, but it is unfilled no longer. I fear it has little humor, but does serve to advance the plot in some ways.

Mithadan, I have done as you asked, and Grrrralph is unhooded.

In the interim, I thank everyone for their patience, and hope that it was worth the wait.

[Mithadan]

I have added a bit onto Thenamir's post to explain the purpose of Grrralph's unhooding. I then noticed that Squatter had edited his post and mine is not entirely consonant with his.

Squatter, if you could please edit the one line to change the timing of the opening of the music box, I'd appreciate it. I needed to get Grrralph's riddle in.

[Thenamir]

The Great Thighs of Improvas are part of the Ent-That-Was-Broken? Those will be horrifically hard to carry with us on our quest...

[The Saucepan Man]

It's not the Thighs that matter ... it's what you do with them. smilies/wink.gif

Just a thought. I wonder if Mith's post might be best suited to appearing in the middle of Squatter's post. It occured to me that the final words of Thenamir's post provided a bit of a cliff-hanger and so it might therefore work quite well if events in Improvas were interrupted at that point by the next instalment in Soregum's journey, Kuru's disk swapping announcement and Squatter's Translator's note, before getting back to the explanation of what the hood lowering involves. Mith's post would fit in well, I think, between the two sections of Squatter's post.

As I said, just a thought ...

Excellent posts all, by the way. smilies/smile.gif

[The Squatter of Amon Rûdh]

Right: I've edited my post to allow for Grrralph's routine and tried to bring it back round to that well-loved Elven ballad of Diamond's. Personally I think that Saucepan's idea about the order of events makes a lot of sense. The translator's note does tend to break up the action (actually that was originally going to be an elaborate save, but I couldn't bring myself to delete it), so perhaps it would be worth migrating that section to some other point. Anyway, that's really up to Mith.

[Mithadan]

As requested, I have plugged my post into the middle of Squatter's and deleted it from Thenamir's, thus utterly confusing all readers and appropriately disrupting the flow of the text. I anticipate a troop of rabid placard bearing REBfans to protest these revisions for at least three minutes before becoming bored and seeking their true purposes in life (likely something to do with beer).

At any rate, who will take up the tale now and disconnect the King, steal the Thighs (causing the hall to fall upon all), and figure out how we are going to carry two such monstrous hunks of pulp along with us as we depart our beloved Improvas?

[Kuruharan]

I will! I will! Just give me until the end of the afternoon!

[The Saucepan Man]

Kuruharan, you do surprise me! I would have you the least likely candidate for filling in the next part of the story, being as it involves a collapsing Hall ... smilies/wink.gif

[Thenamir]

A plot point that I intended to make more clear in my last post, but which came out weakly if at all, is the idea that Sauerkraut is no longer in league with Mogul, but is in fact trying to accumulate the pieces of the Entish Bow for himself. Which is why Gateskeeper is assisting in the disconnection.

While Mogul is busy putting up billboards and other low-tech advertising, Sauerkraut is attempting to undermine the old ways of advertising by using the power of The Net. Hence the stage-ad for Dorka-Cola (from Dorktank) as opposed to the Pukel-Cola on the billboards.

Taking the Great Thighs will be quite a disaster for Sauerkraut, as they are the main cell-antir tower for his competing Net-work in Soreham. Expect him to be less than pleased.

I will make some minor adjustments to bring this plot point out in the next day or so.

[Diamond18]

Grralph did a bump and grind routine on stage? I'm shocked. I'm also having a great deal of difficulty picturing it, but that's probably a good thing. Sometimes I have trouble beliving that this RPG exists on the same forum as the "outrage" threads. smilies/biggrin.gif Heh. At any rate, though, it's not nearly as shocking as Kuruharan volunteering to write the filching of the thighs.... smilies/tongue.gif

[Thenamir]

I have added a paragraph to the middle of my last post making more clear the plot points I mentioned earlier. Carry on!

[Kuruharan]

There. I've done my half-hearted Monty Python lampoon.

I've also abandoned the plot at a rather awkward moment.

Have fun getting the Quester's out, whoever decides to take up the burden.

[Thenamir]

Kuruharan, nicely done!

I wood (pun intended) suggest that it is not a good idea to saw directly on the thighs, since they are after all sentient pieces of the Ent-That-Was-Broken. Perhaps a hacksaw to the bolts supports holding them in place...

[Mithadan]

There! The Itship, plus one, is on its way! Great posts all! Someone call Bird. Her little friends will have some visitors soon (plus Grrruff is technically a creature and therefore within Bird's jurisdiction if she so desires).

[Kuruharan]

Hmm, good point. Will fix.

[Edit] Done.

[ September 23, 2003: Message edited by: Kuruharan ]

[Thenamir]

Sauerkraut weighs in, and his cabbage is boiling now...

[Mithadan]

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe that our next stop in this little ramble is the Forest of Canned Corn. After that, should our valiant band survive the encounter with the inhabitants of that wood, we will be paying a visit to Dorktank.

At some point thereafter, we should be enjoying the company of Leninia, though I have no clear idea where she might reside or how we should be encountering her. Nonetheless, we need to acquire a certain guitar. Lush? Any suggestions?

However, the most immediate concern would be getting a wagon so that the poor Nazgul and dragon don't have to carry the Thighs throughout Muddled Mirth. Grrralph's horse, Puff, would be available to draw the wagon, but we may need more beasts of burden. Has anyone seen Gravlox's warg, Shagoff? He's unemployed...

At any rate, this should provide some direction for the next several posts, at least. Anyone who wishes to do so may move us along.

[Mister Underhill]

It's just a thought, but the Thighs could make the most mythic set of stilts ever...

[Thenamir]

Oh, the indignity...

[The Saucepan Man]

However, the most immediate concern would be getting a wagon so that the poor Nazgul and dragon don't have to carry the Thighs throughout Muddled Mirth.

Well, there are a lot of wagons knocking about in Soreham right now, what with all those wagon parks being redeveloped ...

[Thenamir]

Have we decided en masse to hold off posting until Esty's return? I've done my part...

[Mithadan]

She is not due to return until October 7. I doubt that she would mind if we continue to advance the tale a bit. However, I've posted a bit too frequently recently and want to give everyone else a chance to contribute. So I'm not going to be posting in the next few days, at least. If everyone else wants to wait, that is fine as well.

[Estelyn Telcontar]

Hi, fellow Muddled-Mirthians! smilies/smile.gif I'm having one of my rare online opportunities and, after my personal e-mails, this is of course the first place I look! I've enjoyed those posts very much and have no objections to your carrying on with the plot or whatever passes for it. Since when has anyone allowed even my presence to influence the surprise twists and turns? smilies/rolleyes.gif So why is my absence inhibiting?? I'll be back next week, as Mith said, and am looking forward to jumping into the action again. Till then, have fun... smilies/wink.gif

[Mithadan]

Saucepan Man, please check your PMs.

[Estelyn Telcontar]

I'm back! While I review the past posts (I enjoyed reading them all - thanks to those who posted during my absence!) and figure out what to write, is anyone planning a post soon? Please let me know so that I can plan mine to include any new developments.

[Estelyn Telcontar]

The Quest...Thing...Whatevership is now on its way to see the Hornyburg and Glitzy Caverns of Ham Steep. Will they find something relevant to their journey there? Will the indestructible fortress remain undestructed? Will Pimpi get a chance to do truly heroic deeds? Will the Nazgrrl experience True Love's First Kiss? Tune in - no, write posts, and let's get this show back on the road again!

[Kuruharan]

Doubtful.

No.

Who knows?

Chrysophylax may kiss her, but that might not have anything to do with True Love's First Kiss.

There. I think I answered those questions quite well. smilies/wink.gif

And now, I solemnly swear on ruined fortresses everywhere that the Hornyburg shalt not be destroyed...

...by burning.

[Lush]

Um, right.

I haven't given much thought to Leninia lately, but as I have discussed with Esty back in days of yore, she is a good girl underneath her bratty persona. These are all my thoughts on Leninia at the moment. After you've digested them thoroughly, I'll be back with more.

[Mister Underhill]

* burp *

[Diamond18]

So... I guess that means you want us to refrain from killing her?

[Birdland]

Ah, hey, being a good girl doesn't necessarily let you off the hook. I'd say killing was still an option. As long as it was done in good taste.

[The Squatter of Amon Rûdh]

I think that the chances of anything being done in good taste on this quest are slim to none. Perhaps only moderate bad taste would be a more realistic condition: something like being crushed to death by a giant cartoon foot.

[Kuruharan]

We now have a genuine celebrity in our midst.

Lord Dimli from the famous Mono-gendered-ship of the Thing.

I am sure that you will all treat him with the respect that a person of such eminence deserves, and spend lots of money at his casino. (Of said money, Kuruharan will naturally have his take).

[ October 11, 2003: Message edited by: Kuruharan ]

[Diamond18]

Oh, indeed. I am sure.

Something tells me, though, that the Itshipers aren't going to be the ones getting fleeced.... smilies/evil.gif

[Lush]

No, I don't want Leninia to die. Just look at the first five letters of her name. How can you desecrate them? Filthy capitalists.

Seriously, I actually think that her dying would be rather repetitive.

If Earnur can't control himself, we could always get him a punching bag. Or a blow-up doll. Or...something.

[Estelyn Telcontar]

There is some background plotting going on for this part of the story. As I am planning a development that possibly involves a guest cameo, I request that you writers check with me before doing anything drastic with the characters and location. Go ahead and do business with the Dwarves (to their or your advantage smilies/wink.gif ), discover the beauties of the caverns, whatever you like - just don't destroy the location or have the Itship leave, please! Thanks. smilies/smile.gif

[Thenamir]

Old save is filled in now, and a new save is in to allow Sauerkraut's "cable repairmen" to get roughed up by Mogul's minions. Enjoy!

[The Saucepan Man]

Oh good, you named Môgul's "cat", Thena. I was drawing a blank on that. We likes it, my preciousss. smilies/evil.gif smilies/wink.gif

Colin ... er, I mean Sauerkraut can rest easy (well, as easy as gifts like that allow smilies/biggrin.gif ) for the time being though. Môgul does not have sufficient armies to take Dorktank ... yet. smilies/evil.gif

[Diamond18]

I've filled in my save. Voggy and Pimpi's actions are pretty par for the course.

[Kuruharan]

Kuruharan has left the building!!!!!

He won't be back until the inevitable strikes the Ham Steep Resort & Casino.

However, Chrysophylax should be having some interesting times before that eventuality.

[Estelyn Telcontar]

Great posts, everybody!! I enjoyed them very much and wish I had time to go into detail but must make do with a summary "Well done, all!" for now. I'd appreciate a note from those of you who have subplots going that need some time and/or posts to finish them up, so that I can plan when to set up the cameo.

[Estelyn Telcontar]

I've posted the set-up for our guest cameo; all regular writers, please wait for it before posting.

And now, ladiiiies and gentlehobbits, introducing: (drrrruummmmmmrrrrrrrolllllllll)

[Mithadan]

... but before that, a brief houskeeping matter. Grrralph has rejoined the Itship.

[Lush]

Mithadan, you are killing me slowly with your worldly ways. smilies/wink.gif

[Mithadan]

Worldly? Me? Lush, I'll have you know that I have never, ever, run out on a bartab. smilies/wink.gif

[ October 22, 2003: Message edited by: Mithadan ]

[Diamond18]

On the other hand, you have been known to run through the streets in speedos.

By the way, someone will need to fix the Travest-O-Metre™, Mith's smutty mind shattered it...

...again. smilies/rolleyes.gif smilies/tongue.gif

[Kuruharan]

Actually, make that two pieces of unfinished business. I'd meant to get back and finish off my last post earlier, but circumstances prevented. (Darn school!)

My apologies for my tardiness.

[Mithadan]

If there is any objection to my post and its innuendo, I will gladly modify it. smilies/wink.gif

[Estelyn Telcontar]

Well, well, well - it seems that the request not to post is inspiring to some people! smilies/tongue.gif That's fine as long as it fits in, but please don't get to the climax without giving our guest a chance to take part! As I originally requested, no fleeing, destruction etc. These posts may need some editing later.

[Thenamir]

As Esty had requested, I posted Gateskeeper's takeover of the Glitzy Caverns. Where, o where is our cameo?

[Annunfuiniel]

Hiya all!

Here's finally the long expected cameo appearance by moi! Sorry it took awhile; and another sorry for that my characters are so poorly described in the first post (that's due to pure laziness, at the moment). Also hope I handled Mr. Gateskeeper ok in my post...

Here are the character descriptions for Mord and the Broom:

_____________________________________________
Character #1: Mordaenárur (aka Mord)

Race: Balfrog

Age: When asked about his age he raises three of his fiery fingers. Meaning of this gesture is uncertain: it’s speculated that A) he has never learned to count further than three or B) he’s (approximately) three Ages old.

Personality, appearance and background: Mordaenárur is, like every decent balfrog, a fiery spirit wrapped in shadow and flame. Maybe vaguely man-shaped but definitely not man-sized; beastly face, horny head and huge nostrils, as even the illiterates know to tell – though none now live who has actually seen him. Yes, Mord is quite an ordinary, thus nearly unbeatable, balfrog indeed, save for one thing: Alas! the poor devil has lost his wings.

How this disastrous deprivation actually came to pass is a total mystery to himself as to everyone else too: one fine morning he just woke up to the knowledge that he had no wings. The Wise deemed it highly debatable if he had had those things in the first place but to Mord that speculation was of no comfort. He felt, and still feels utterly…broken.

This wing-thing occasions a severe inferiority complex whenever Mord sees a flying creature and his methods of bolstering his low self-esteem are quite questionable, to say the least. (If I were a winged whatever I’d keep my distance to him.)

But why should the Itship be interested in Mord the Mighty-yet-Miserable? Well: because of his broom! For here indeed is one part of the Ent-That-Was-Broken – the Entish Broom-That-Was-Lost!

Character #2: The Broom

Race: formerly known as Ent

Age: the broom’s or the Ent’s?

Personality, appearance and background: The Broom was made from a shard of the Ent-That-Was-Broken by the cruel Orcs. But worse was still to come. The Orcs took the Broom to their lord Sourone who immediately had a devilish idea:

“Bring the slave to me! Bring her here!” he screamed and soon she had been brought in front of him – the Entwife! Sourone chuckled at his own malice and said to her;

“Here’s your groom…I mean broom.” After some more giggling - and whacking some orcs that had dared not to laugh at his nifty witticism - Sourone added; “Now get to work! This place needs a good sweeping!”

The Entwife was shocked, aghast, terrified beyond all measure. Bitter fate it seemed to her to get back his loved one, in pieces. She tried to talk to the Broom but it couldn’t answer - after all it was the Ent’s leg (Or have you ever heard of a talking leg?? ---Er..never mind…). All this was too much for her to bear and soon she developed a drinking problem which eventually led to her death (Never wondered why Moredough is such a dry place? Well, now you know…).

The Broom was forgotten for a while; till Sourone found new use for it. For he had learned about the Balrog that-lost-his-wings and he deemed as his duty to send the poor creature a ‘Get better soon!’ –gift.

And so they came together: Mordaenárur and the Broom. But their tale would have been a whole lot different if Mord’s friend – the Whizz-King of Angstbar - had not been in the neighborhood. As it happened he was familiar with the Entish Broom –lore and taught Mord the magic words that soon proved very useful. “Fly you broom!” he commanded and behold! A shiver, faint like a soft summer breeze in the boughs, went through the former Ent and slowly, very slowly (you know how slowly I mean), it rose into the air.

Mord was happy, very happy; happy like he had not been since the terrible morning when he realized his wings were gone. For now he could fly again! (Again, he was sure though he had no memory of flying – the poor, amnesic creature…) The virgin voyage was not exactly a succès fou as Mord tried to mount the Broom all fiery and flaming. And it was then that he learned the magic words had had other effects as well as the worthy Broom now turned out to be a very wordy Broom (with an infinite supply of rather questionable and most commonly ill-timed “wise” sayings and a liking for musicals, especially by Androgyne Boyd Pepper. And wait till you see him twist! You’ll surely get swept off your feet…).

“No Master, please don’t Master!” the Broom squeaked like the knees of an old treeish Ent (for it had not been a very brave Ent-foot in the first place); “For if you should do that I would burn! Burn to ashes! Flying ashes make no good mattress as the saying goes, nor are they any good to bear You. So You wouldn’t want to burn me, would You, Master?”

Mord was so amazed to hear the Broom speak that his fires were quenched. And the Broom was so grateful that ever after its deepest desire was to fly the Master wherever he wished to go. A beautiful, overcoming-all-obstacles-and-staying-faithful-till-the-bitter-end –kind of friendship had begun.
_____________________________________________

Good night to ya all!

~Annun

[Kuruharan]

Ahh, the new victim...I mean guest! Welcome! smilies/biggrin.gif

[Estelyn Telcontar]

Welcome indeed, Annun, and thanks for a wonderful first post!! smilies/biggrin.gif You're a great addition to the writing crew here, and reading about your characters is going to be lots of fun! You have managed to come up with a new name for the Itship, handled Gatesy very well, and tied your plotline to Part One - that's a lot for one post! smilies/cool.gif
We look forward to more.

Unless someone lets me know that they want to post now - thanks, Kuru, for setting up the situation with Chrys - I'll continue this storyline with a post within a day or two.

[ October 25, 2003: Message edited by: Estelyn Telcontar ]

[Estelyn Telcontar]

The confrontation has started; now those who wish to add posts for their characters may do so before the final scene. ("final" only for this location, of course - don't worry - the quest goes on!)

[The Saucepan Man]

A belated welcome to the mayhem, Annun. It's good to see you here. smilies/smile.gif And a great first post, if I may say so. Môgul was worried that he may have left a Balfrog lying around somewhere. smilies/wink.gif

[Birdland]

I've filled in my save. There's a nice, lil four-way going on on the bridge now...with a dwarf! smilies/eek.gif

[Bêthberry]

Please pardon the intrusion, but I found a most essential reference link for all engaged in romance parodies. It is most suitable, I think, for Gondor.


Tongue in Cheek Parodies Inc (http://www.likesbooks.com/dictionary.html)

Please continue.

Bêthberry

[ October 29, 2003: Message edited by: Bêthberry ]

[Kuruharan]

As is my usual habit, I am creating messes for others to clean.

Good Luck Annunfuiniel! smilies/wink.gif

[Annunfuiniel]

Thanks for the welcomes! smilies/smile.gif And for the cue, Kuru; I'll fill in my save tomorrow, or latest the day after that (to learn why only then check the Breelanders All! -discussion thread in the Shire... smilies/rolleyes.gif ).

smilies/wink.gifAnnun

[Mithadan]

Saucepan Man, please check your PMs. I stand ready to edit my post per our discussions.

Looking forward to your next post, Annun!

[Mithadan]

At the request of Saucepan Man, I have made a "minor" (hee hee) change to the end of my last post. The change is purely stylistic in nature and will have no effect upon the RPG as it goes forward. *crosses fingers.

[Annunfuiniel]

Thanks for your patience all: my save is now filled in, have a look. smilies/smile.gif

~Annun

[ November 06, 2003: Message edited by: Annunfuiniel ]

[Mithadan]

Bravo! A fine post! And I haven't seen so many loose ends in one place together in many an age.

[Estelyn Telcontar]

Wonderful post, Annun, and worth waiting for! I especially enjoyed the footnotes - and Ardavision has an annual song contest?! You summed everything up so well that we can move on from there.

Birdie, do you want the Dwarfling to stay with us for awhile?

Who wants to post next?

[Annunfuiniel]

Thanks Mith and Esty!

But there was one detail in my post that needed editing; I totally forgot that Kuruharan was supposed to be quite elsewhere. Luckily Kuru remembered this himself ( smilies/wink.gif ) and informed me about it. But the box office is still there; the founder just changed...

The next poster? Well... Kuru??? smilies/evil.gif

~Annun

[Birdland]

Excellent free-fallin' battle, Annun. My heart was in my throat, wondering who would come out on top. Oh, wait...sorry, just a hair. (Cough! Hack!)

Esty, Norni is up for grabs for anyone who would like to use him. He's a cute lil' fella, ain't he? And I like to say his name: Nor-NEEEE!

Poor Norni ain't the brightest bulb in the bunch, but he is an excellent driver, and is good at counting cards.

[Estelyn Telcontar]

OK, here's the current status of the Conglomerateship:

All are present, except for Kuru - and just how did Gatesy manage to get there in his chair? smilies/rolleyes.gif An explanation might be in order... Chrys will be hurt and need help, I presume. Norni, Mord, and the Broom may wish to continue on with us, but first:

Kuru, you have planned something for the fortress, so we shall wait for that before travelling on. Please let me know when you plan to post.

After that, preferably early next week, we will move on toward the Forest of Canned Corn. Unless someone else wishes to carry on with that part of the plot (please let me know if that's the case), I will write a post that explains why we are going there.

[Kuruharan]

Okay. I think I managed to rescue everyone, but if I accidentally left somebody to drown please let me know so I can fix it.

and just how did Gatesy manage to get there in his chair?

He sat in Lord Dimli's chair and it was too small for him.

[ November 08, 2003: Message edited by: Kuruharan ]

[Estelyn Telcontar]

That I know, silly! smilies/tongue.gif But how do you maneuver your way out of a fortress stuck in a chair?

A question - does anyone want to take up Birdie's offer on the Dwarfling? If I am to include him in Merisu's nose count, he needs to have a writer. Volunteers (that includes you, Birdie, if you want to keep him going) please PM me ASAP. Thanks! I will attempt to have my post finished within a day or so...

[Estelyn Telcontar]

I've gotten the Itship on its way to Canned Corn Forest - now I can relax, sit back and wait to enjoy all of your posts! smilies/wink.gif smilies/tongue.gif

[Kuruharan]

It was one of those wheeled desk chairs! smilies/wink.gif

[The Squatter of Amon Rûdh]

I seem to have lost track of our mode of transportation in my last post. I've edited it to avoid confusion.

[Diamond18]

Cheerio. All these posts have been so funny and used my characters so well I see no reason why I should have to bother writing for them. smilies/evil.gif Actually I just haven't had much time. But sometime soon I will have to write a proper sea chanty....

Anyway, I just need some clarification... the Forest of Canned Corn is Fangorn, right?

[Mithadan]

Forest of Canned Corn = Home of the Ents and Strange Creatures with lisps referred to in sundry posts by Birdland.

[The Saucepan Man]

Save filled in. I ought to get some kind of commission for product placement. smilies/biggrin.gif

[Estelyn Telcontar]

Great posts, guys! Wish I had time to go into detail, but I enjoyed them all and am now looking forward to the filling of the saves...

[Mithadan]

I have filled in my save. I apologize for the delay, but the deep philosphical import and literary quality of my post required considerable thought.

*Mithadan turns and walks away whistling a song familiar to many cartoon afficianados. I'm so goony, looney tuney, touched in the head...

[Birdland]

Yay! Middle Earth will soon have it's own version of Extreme Makeover. Now if we could only get a little "Elf Eye for the Straight Guy" action going.

Now let's all regurgitate a squid in honor of B-W, who must be a very happy camper this day. smilies/biggrin.gif

[Diamond18]

I've filled in my save. I've never actually watched a makeover show on TV or anything, so I had to wing it.

[Birdland]

I've put a "Save" up regarding the disappearance of Vogie, which I will fill in tonight, but anyone else feel free to go ahead with posts. Just remember that Vogie is lost, and not with the Gallowship at the moment.

[Estelyn Telcontar]

Well, aren't we girls having fun?! My save is filled in, so please note that our Nazgrrrl now has a new name!

[Mithadan]

Buttercup? Grrralph's Nazgul is named Buttercup? If this is allowed, I demand the right to refer to Mogul as Tinky-Winky!

I do, however, like what you've done with our Interesting Monster...

[Birdland]

Hmmmph! You're just jealous because that misbegotten, stunted equine Puff doesn't have bouncy curls. Look out Muddled Mirth. Buttercup is in the house!

And if Pimpi or Merisu ever need to fly, just ask, grrlfriends.

[ November 25, 2003: Message edited by: Birdland ]

[Mithadan]

A bit off topic, but I am in the process of reviving The Seventh Star Inn, here in Gondor. It would be appreciated if all would pop in upon occaision as I begin reminding the membership of the Inn's existence, as well as the existence of Gondor as a forum.

Thanks!

[The Saucepan Man]

I demand the right to refer to Mogul as Tinky-Winky!

Ai! How did you find out about that? It was the metamorphosis ... er ... it went wrong ... honestly ... smilies/rolleyes.gif smilies/biggrin.gif

Actually, I think that Bob the Builder is probably more appropriate. smilies/wink.gif

I am in the process of reviving The Seventh Star Inn, here in Gondor. It would be appreciated if all would pop in upon occaision

I can't see Mogûl being a regular, although Soregum does have a penchant for inns. smilies/evil.gif

[Diamond18]

It would be appreciated if all would pop in upon occaision as I begin reminding the membership of the Inn's existence, as well as the existence of Gondor as a forum.

Ah, I would Grralphie, except that I have an allergic reaction to fanfiction that doesn't involve a high tolerance for extreme personal artistic liberty (read: large doses of irreverence and disregard to canon) so I would probably break all the BD roleplaying rules and you would have to kill me. Plus I haven't the time to read all 6 pages. But I wish you luck in your endeavor. smilies/smile.gif

And Birdie, I have a feeling Vogie's gonna be the one wanting to fly. Just a guess. smilies/wink.gif

[Estelyn Telcontar]

I'd like to encourage all of you to drop into the Inn; since your current characters are somewhere else at the time, you could create new ones for that purpose, perhaps even some who would be permanent 'residents' of the White City and stop by occasionally, as Estelyn does. It's not particularly inviting to others who might like to post there when nothing happens for long stretches of time. I assure you, posting there is easier than here! smilies/tongue.gif

As for posting here, it appears that so much Grrrrlpower has completely knocked out the guys of the Fellow/Galship. Are we to continue as a Galship? That would be a true Mary Sue RPG, of course, but we'd miss you horribly! smilies/frown.gif

Who would like to take the group into the Forest? Just say, "I will write the Post, though I do not know the plot." You can do it! smilies/smile.gif

[Mithadan]

I have sent the cavalcade through the entrance to the Forest. As David Byrne once asked, "Who's got a match?"

Oh, and I note that there are two slowly mouldering "Saves" still up on the thread. *taps his foot and checks his watch.

[Diamond18]

Are you sure you're not tapping your watch?