The Barrow Downs Newspaper

[Diamond18]

Originally Posted by Morai

Perhaps it's not the cats that should be feared and hated, it's the cat lovers...er likers.

~Cat Lover

Finally someone notices the real moral of that story.

[the phantom]

Here are most of my cat-related mini headlines. They should give a clear indication on my feelings regarding cats.

**********

Cat's Nine Lives no Match for Shotgun

Study: Cats unable to swim effectively in vat of glue.

Survey: 92% of Downers threw something at a cat today.

Silmarillion Movie: Gelmir to be Played by a Cat

Upswing in Nation's Happiness Linked to Spike in Cat Murders

Study: Why are cats so evil?

"Downer" Accused of Being Anti-Cat: "Ridiculous!" says Hookbill.

Cats Good for Your Health: "But you've got to eat loads of them," say experts.

King Elessar Outlaws Cats: "They shouldn't even exist!"

[Morthoron]

Letter to the Editor

Dear Tom or Queen:

It has come to our attention at the N-A-A-C-P (National Association for the Advancement of Cat Prerogatives) that The Downer has published an incendiary article regarding our feline brethren. Such blatant attacks on the Tabby community has given us paws to consider the fair-mindedness and objectivity of your paper (which when shredded, by the way, makes excellent litter).

Biased and negative reporting could prove catastrophic to the fundraising campaigns of our organization, which yearly gathers over a ton of spare yarn for economically disadvantaged felines in emerging Third World nations, as well as the eco-friendly recycling of sisal mats and rugs for scratch posts, and the tedious task of fitting little silver jingle-bells into plastic golf balls. Our catechism is simple: We are cute, we are cuddly, and you must love us, or we shall shred the arms of your sofa.

In future, we ask that you refrain from the concatenated catalogue of misconceptions and stereotypical connotations that have doggedly followed felinedom. To us, it is a matter of pride.

Sincerely,
Puss-in-Boots
Chaircat, NAACP

Morris
Chaircat Emeritus, NAACP

Felix
Secretary, NAACP

Garfield
Provisioner, NAACP

Tigger, Sylvester, Scratchy, Cat in the Hat, Hello Kitty, Hobbes, Elsa, Pink Panther
National Board of Categorical Imperatives, NAACP

[Hookbill the Goomba]

To the various representatives of the N.A.A.C.P,

We feel it necessary to inform you that the editor of the paper has little or no control over what happens in the world. As a Newspaper we feel it our duty to report on the truth, the whole truth and anything but the truth. Therefore, if cats decide to go on a rampage, we feel the public should know about it. And if we are being paid off by dog companies to stop Alien from getting anywhere near them, so much the better.

Your complaints will be filed in our Iron-filing cabinet and thrown to the lions.

- Sir Alfred "eye disease" Johnson
Head of Downer P-R

P.S. If you object so much, why not write an article about the rabid dogs that are terrorising your back garden right now? (note: please read this after our van has arrived with the dogs)

[Bêthberry]

Originally Posted by the phantom

King Elessar Outlaws Cats: "They shouldn't even exist!"

Poor Aragorn. There he was, at the juncture of the Third and Fourth Ages, and he missed the opportunity to domesticate the species. Left all the glory and fame for said work to the Egyptians at a Latter Age.

Originally Posted by Morothoron

It has come to our attention at the N-A-A-C-P (National Association for the Advancement of Cat Prerogatives) that The Downer has published an incendiary article regarding our feline brethren. Such blatant attacks on the Tabby community has given us paws to consider the fair-mindedness and objectivity of your paper (which when shredded, by the way, makes excellent litter). . . .

Sincerely,
Puss-in-Boots
Chaircat, NAACP

Morris
Chaircat Emeritus, NAACP

Felix
Secretary, NAACP

Garfield
Provisioner, NAACP

Tigger, Sylvester, Scratchy, Cat in the Hat, Hello Kitty, Hobbes, Elsa, Pink Panther
National Board of Categorical Imperatives, NAACP

Egads, Sir! You are comedically fearless. I always knew there was something essential missing from Peanuts.

[Groin Redbeard]

I'm with you Phantom! Cats are mean, selfish, and useless addition to any household!

How Dogs think
Wow, sir! You give a home, you give me a bed to sleep in, you feed me whenever I need it, and you love me. Youmust be God!

How Cats think
Wow, sir! You give a home, you give me a bed to sleep in, you feed me whenever I need it, and you love me. I must be God!

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Okay, I'm going to suggest we stop this thread from becoming a cat-dog argument.

Read the intro post to the thread.


Now, if we could start looking at some NEWS instead, then the squirrels will leave us alone.

[Diamond18]

The NAACP looked like a worthy cause at first, but then I noticed that Bucky Katt is not the president, or even a member, which severely damages its credibility in my eyes. As for me and mine, we shall follow Bucky's vision for world domination through violence and maulings.

In fact, look for more Downer articles in future chronicling our efforts.

[Morthoron]

Originally Posted by Diamond18

The NAACP looked like a worthy cause at first, but then I noticed that Bucky Katt is not the president, or even a member, which severely damages its credibility in my eyes. As for me and mine, we shall follow Bucky's vision for world domination through violence and maulings.

In fact, look for more Downer articles in future chronicling our efforts.

Bucky Katt was a member of the NAACP up until 2006, at which time he attempted a coup of the organization. Unfortunately, he was thwarted in his ambitions when he made the mistake of letting his dog companion Satchel in on the plot. Satchel, misunderstanding the word 'coup', locked Bucky in a henhouse with a bunch of chickens. He was captured by animal control authorities and sent to the local pound. Paying the penalty for his foiled revolution (as well as being out of the house without a leash or proper license), Bucky was neutered by a nearsighted veterinarian. He hasn't been the same since; in fact, he currently spends most of his time in his plush Hollywood digs eating lasagna with Garfield.