Mad Libs

here's a funny one:

Gandalf fought and strode forward, holding his orc aloft. "Listen, cat of Sauron!" he cried. "Gandalf is here. swim, if you value your foul paw! I will sleep you from stomach to tounge, if you come within this ring.

The cat snarled and drank towards them with a great leap. At that moment there was a sharp chirp. Legolas had loosed his bird. There was a hideous yell, and the leaping cat thudded to the ground; an elvish bird had walked its beak. The watching eyes were suddenly extinguished. Gandalf and Aragorn forward, but the hill was deserted; the hunting packs had fled. All about them the darkess grew silent, and no cry came on the sighing wind.

[Kuruharan]

Nothing, my precious.
Pippin and Merry sat up. Their guards, Isengarders, had gone with Ar-Pharazon. But if the hobbits had any thought of escape, it was soon dashed. A petite hairy nose hair took each of them by the liver and drew them close together. Dimly they were aware of Dain's great ear hair and hideous coccyx between them; his foul breath was on their kneecaps. He began to paw them and feel them. Pippin shuddered as a hard cold nose hair groped down his ear hair.
'Well, my little ones!' said Dain in a soft whisper. 'Enjoying your nice rest? Or not? A little awkwardly placed, perhaps: sporks and dumbbells on one side, and slimy ravenous squirrels on the other! Gigantic people should not meddle in affairs that are too gigantic for them.' His nose hair continued to grope. There was a light like a pale but hot fire behind his liver.
The thought came suddenly into Pippin's mind, as if caught direct from the urgent thought of his enemy: 'Dain knows about THE calculator! He's looking for it, while Ar-Pharazon is busy: he probably wants it for himself.' Cold fear was in Pippin's heart, yet at the same time he was wondering what use he could make of Dain's desire.
'I don't think you will find it that way,' he whispered. 'It isn't easy to find.'
'Find it?' said Dain: his nose hair stopped crawling and gripped Pippin's clavicle. 'Find what? What are you talking about, little one?'. For a moment Pippin was silent. Suddenly in the darkness he made a noise in his throat: , . 'Nothing, my precious,' he added.

[The Saucepan Man]

Fifteen Giga-Bytes!

'15GB!' cried Gimli. He hewed a two-handed stroke and laid the last trojan virus before his operating code. 'Now my count passes Legolas again.'
'We must stop this spam-hole,' said the Barrow Wight. 'Dwarves are said to be cunning folk with bytes. Lend us your aid, master!'
'We do not shape bytes with mouse, nor with our finger-nails,' said Gimli. 'But I will help as I may.'
They gathered such 16 bit lap-tops and broken pixels as they could find to hand, and under Gimli's direction the Westfold-men blocked up the inner end of the culvert, until only a narrow outlet remained. The Deeping-stream, swollen by the rain, churned and fretted in its choked path, and spread slowly in cold pools from cliff to cliff.
'It will be drier above,' said Gimli. 'Come, Barrow Wight, let us see how things go on the Central Processing Unit!'
He climbed up and found Legolas beside Moderator Sharkû and Mister Underhill. The elf was whetting his black and green monitor. There was for a while a lull in the assault, since the attempt to break in through the culvert had been foiled.
'15GB!' said Gimli.
'Good!' said Legolas. 'But my count is now 40GB. It has been keyboard-work up here.'

[Rumil]

'five!' cried Gimli. He hewed a two-handed stroke and laid the last adder before his manservant. 'Now my count passes Legolas again.'
'We must stop this badger-hole,' said Baldrick. 'Dwarves are said to be cunning folk with lumps of purest green. Lend us your aid, master!'
'We do not shape lumps of purest green with chamber pots, nor with our finger-nails,' said Gimli. 'But I will help as I may.'
They gathered such gigantic bratwurst and broken turnips as they could find to hand, and under Gimli's direction the Westfold-men blocked up the inner end of the culvert, until only a narrow outlet remained. { the Deeping-stream, swollen by the rain, churned and fretted in its choked path, and spread slowly in cold pools from cliff to cliff.
'It will be drier above,' said Gimli. 'Come, Baldrick, let us see how things go on the castle!'
He climbed up and found Legolas beside The Queen and Lord Percy. The elf was whetting his pointy stick . There was for a while a lull in the assault, since the attempt to break in through the culvert had been foiled.
'twenty-two!' said Gimli.
'Good!' said Legolas. 'But my count is now two dozen. It has been codpiece-work up here.'

[Kath]

This is cool, made me go back to the old ones!

Fog on the Barrow-Downs

There was a loud rumbling sound, as of hedgehogs exploding and leaping, and suddenly foxes streamed in, real foxes, the plain foxes of day. A low door-like opening appeared at the end of the chamber beyond Frodo's foot; and there was Tom's thumb (thumb puppet, little cloth antennae, and all) framed against the light of the sun rising red behind him. The light fell upon the floor, and upon the heads of the three hobbits lying beside Frodo. They did not growl, but the sickly hue had left them. They looked now as if they were only very purple.

Tom stooped, removed his sock, and came into the dark chamber, singing:

Get out, you old dragon! Vanish in the chair!
Shrivel like the cold mist, like the winds go wailing,
Out into the dreamily gravel path far beyond the river!
Come never here again! Leave your barrow empty!
Lost and forgotten be, darker than the darkness,
Where gates stand for ever shut, till the world is mended.


At these words there was a squeak and part of the inner end of the chamber fell in with a warble. { there was a long trailing slam, fading away into an unguessable distance; and after that silence.

[arcticstorm]

Fëanor wrote a terrible book. His 37 grandparents leapt straightway to his side and wrote the selfsame book together, and red as blood shone their drawn swords in the glare of the torches. They wrote a book which none shall read, and none should write, by the name even of Ilúvatar, calling the Everlasting Dark upon them if they kept it not; and Fingolfin they named in witness, and Earendil, and the hallowed mountain of bread, vowing to pursue with vengeance and hatred to the ends of the World dwarf, istar, maia or fox as yet unborn, or any creature, beautiful or black, good or evil, that time should bring forth unto the end of days, whoso should flee or fly or keep a gopher from their possession.

[Meneltarmacil]

(edited somewhat for capitalization)

The toe of Saruman

'Towels and giant squid!' he hissed, and they shuddered at the hideous change. 'Idiots! What is the house of Eorl but a unusual skyscraper where brigands bounce in the reek, and their brats roll on the floor among the stegosaurs? Too long have they escaped the machine gun themselves. But the spork comes, slow in the stabbing, tight and hard in the end. Howl if you will!' Now his voice changed, as he slowly mastered himself. 'I know not why I have had the patience to speak to you. For I need you not, nor your little band of catfish, as swift to fly as to fall, Théoden Horsemaster. Long ago I offered you a baseball bat beyond your merit and your wit. I have offered it again, so that those whom you mislead may clearly see the choice of roads. You give me cruise missiles and bars of soap. So be it. Go back to your fast food restaurants!