ME jokes and funny stories - The Barrow-Downs Discussion Forum

HerenIstarion · 09-21-2004, 02:38 AM

Some centuries after the fall of Sauron. In Valinor, Celembrimbor (C) and Galadriel (G) converse:

C: Honey, you know, I've been reading one of those modern novels humans write in Hither Lands and we occassionaly get by Palantir transmissions...
G: So, dear, what bothers you?
C: There is a term applied to one of the heroes, I can't get what it may stand for. He acts strangely too... you know, visiting ladies by night, with a ladder! Funny, that. I looked it up in "Laws and Customs Among the Eldar", but could not find anything to match, you know...
G: Yes, dear, I'm listening?
C: And you are so wise, maybe you can explain things to me?
G: Of course, dear, don't be afraid to tell me, what troubles you?
C: Um, what is a 'lover'?
G: A 'lover'? Let me see, I seem to remember something... lover, lover, hm-mm... Ah, yes, I remember!

Galadriel runs swiftly to the wardrobe and jerks the door open.

G: Here, dear, this is the lover!

Indicating the small bearded skeleton crouched in the far corner of it...

***

Going back to the initial post, on page one:

Evening in Rivendell. Same company - Elrond, his council and Gandalf, some dozen people overall, by the hearth. Again, some coughs, muttering, swearing from the roof, some scrabbing in the chimney followed by some dozen of bright golden rings falling out.

Elrond: Surely, it's Frodo having his excercise again? Is it not a bit late? They set out tomorrow!
Gandalf: No, you forget it's Christmas. It's Santa Claus, he brought us presents according to our ultimate desire...

Zebedee · 09-21-2004, 04:50 PM

(Gandalf standing on bridge, Balrog coming)
Gandalf: I am a servent of the secret fire
Balrog: What secret fire.
Gandalf: Oops, gave it away, going to have to kill you now.

How many orcs does it take to change a light bulb?
12, one to threaten them with a Nazgul, one to screw it in, and ten to fight of Sauruman's Uruk-hai who have orders not to use it.

The Perky Ent · 09-26-2004, 03:05 PM

Aragorn: There it is! The Bridge of Khazad-Dum!
Legolas: Oh great!
Aragorn: Look! There's the Balrog from chapter 24!
Gandalf: What's he doing here?
Aragorn: He is the keeper of the Bridge of Khazad-Dum. He asks each traveller five questions--
Gimli: Three Questions
Aragorn: Three questions. He who answers the five questions--
Gimli: Three questions.
Aragorn: three questions, may cross in safety.
Legolas: What if you get a question wrong?
Aragorn: Then you are cast...into the Endless drop of Moria!!!!
Legolas: Oh, I won't go!
Gimli: Who's going to answer the questions?
Aragorn: Legolas!
Legolas: Yes?
Aragorn: Brave Sir Legolas, you go!
Legolas: Hey...I've got a great idea! Why doesn't Boromir go?
Boromir: Yes, le me go, my liege. I will take it singlehanded. I shall make a feint to the North-East, and then--
Aragorn: No, no, no...hang on, hang on, hang on! Just answer the five questions--
Gimli: Three questions--
Aragorn: Three questions as best you can, and we shall watch...and pray!
Boromir: I understand, my liege.
Aragorn: Good luck, brave Sir Boromir! God be with you!
Balrog: Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Boromir: Ask me your questions, Bridgekeeper. I am not afraid!
Balrog: What is your name?
Boromir: My name is Sir Boromir of Minas Tirith!
Balrog: What is your quest?
Boromir: To destory the ring of power!
Balrog: What...is your favorite color?
Boromir: Blue.
Balrog: Right, off you go.
Boromir: Oh! Thank you. Thank you very much.
Legolas: That's easy!
Balrog: Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Legolas: As me the questions, Bridgekeeper, I am not afraid!
Balrog: What is your name?
Legolas: Sir Legolas of Mirkwood!
Balrog: What is your quest?
Legolas: To destory the ring of power!
Balrog: What...is the capital of Cardolan?
Legolas: I don't know THAT!! AHHHHHHHHHH!
*The Balrog whips Legolas off the Bridge into the chasm*
Balrog: Stop! What is your name?
Gimli: Sir Gimli of Erebor!
Balrog: What is your quest?
Gimli: To destory the ring of power!
Balrog: What...is your favorite color?
Gimli: Blue! No...YELLLLLOOOOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!
*Balrog whips Gimli off the Bridge into the chasm*
Balrog: Stop! What is your name?
Aragorn: It is Aragorn, Chieftan of the Dunedain!
Balrog: What is your quest?
Aragorn: To destory the ring of power!
Balrog: What...is the airspeed velocity of an unladen fell-beast?
Aragorn: What do you mean? From Mordor, or Carn Dum?
Balrog: Huh? What? I...I don't know that! AHHHHHHHHHHH!
*Balrog slips off Bridge into the chasm*
Gandalf: How do you know the airspeed velocity of fell-beasts?
Aragorn: Well you have to know these things when your chieftan!

Hookbill the Goomba · 09-27-2004, 01:15 AM

Very nice Perky!

HerenIstarion · 10-13-2004, 02:34 AM

... Sam can gather 5 pounds of bilberries in an hour, whilst Rosie can gather 4 pounds. But if they go to the forest to gather bilberries together, it does not necessarily follow that they will gather 9 pounds in an hour’s time...

Hama Of The Riddermark · 10-13-2004, 09:29 AM

How many Nazgul does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Nine, one to screw it in and the rest to hunt down and destroy all lightbulbs...

How many orcs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Not known, they started fighting about who would screw it in...

How many wizards does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, their staffs work just fine...

Ten Nazgul commandments:

Thou shalt not put "Roar if you think I'm Sexy' stickers on fell beasts...

Thou shalt not roar if thou seest a 'Roar if you think I'm sexy sticker'...

Thou shalt not call thy fell beast a 'ride' nor use the phrase 'If the fell beast be a rockin' don't come a knockin''

Thou shalt not laugh at orcs...

Thou shalt not push orcs into a river 'just for fun'...

Thou shalt not hit orcs 'to see what noise it makes'

Thou shalt not listen to 'Back in Black' before a battle...

Thou shalt not sell thy fell beast for a car because 'it's so much more pimp'...

Thou shalt not refer to orc seige towers as 'pimp wagons'...

Thou shalt not refer to Sauron as 'the big black pimp'

Mithalwen · 10-13-2004, 01:19 PM

The lightbulb ... well I had a theory in another forum that the menfolk of the Noldor would be the Elvish equivalent of husbands who spend their entire lives tinkering with inventions and gadgets in their shed. Now given that Feanor was the most gifted in craft of the Noldor AND had more childen than any other elf either, it seems probable that he was "shed-husband" par excellance, and liable to go completely over the top when Nerdanel wanted any little tasks done around the house - and produced the silmarils when what she really wanted was basically a light bulb;

Feanor "But look I have created the most marvellous gems in the world, made of unbreakable material, filled with the lights of the two trees.....blah, blah"

Nerdanel " I only said that would be good to have a lamp that wouln't set the house on fire if the kids knocked it over...... and they have all grown up while I hve waited for you to make those...."

I reckon the Palantiri were the result of him getting carried away when basically she just wanted a baby monitor.... :P

09-21-2004, 02:38 AM	#1
HerenIstarion Deadnight Chanter Join Date: Sep 2000 Posts: 4,244	Some centuries after the fall of Sauron. In Valinor, Celembrimbor (C) and Galadriel (G) converse: C: Honey, you know, I've been reading one of those modern novels humans write in Hither Lands and we occassionaly get by Palantir transmissions... G: So, dear, what bothers you? C: There is a term applied to one of the heroes, I can't get what it may stand for. He acts strangely too... you know, visiting ladies by night, with a ladder! Funny, that. I looked it up in "Laws and Customs Among the Eldar", but could not find anything to match, you know... G: Yes, dear, I'm listening? C: And you are so wise, maybe you can explain things to me? G: Of course, dear, don't be afraid to tell me, what troubles you? C: Um, what is a 'lover'? G: A 'lover'? Let me see, I seem to remember something... lover, lover, hm-mm... Ah, yes, I remember! Galadriel runs swiftly to the wardrobe and jerks the door open. G: Here, dear, this is the lover! Indicating the small bearded skeleton crouched in the far corner of it... *** Going back to the initial post, on page one: Evening in Rivendell. Same company - Elrond, his council and Gandalf, some dozen people overall, by the hearth. Again, some coughs, muttering, swearing from the roof, some scrabbing in the chimney followed by some dozen of bright golden rings falling out. Elrond: Surely, it's Frodo having his excercise again? Is it not a bit late? They set out tomorrow! Gandalf: No, you forget it's Christmas. It's Santa Claus, he brought us presents according to our ultimate desire... __________________ Egroeg Ihkhsal - Would you believe in the love at first sight? - Yes I'm certain that it happens all the time! Last edited by HerenIstarion; 09-27-2004 at 01:55 AM. Reason: typo, punctuation

09-21-2004, 04:50 PM	#2
Zebedee Haunting Spirit Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: Lafayette, LA Posts: 61	(Gandalf standing on bridge, Balrog coming) Gandalf: I am a servent of the secret fire Balrog: What secret fire. Gandalf: Oops, gave it away, going to have to kill you now. How many orcs does it take to change a light bulb? 12, one to threaten them with a Nazgul, one to screw it in, and ten to fight of Sauruman's Uruk-hai who have orders not to use it. __________________ If at first you don't succed, then skydiving isn't for you.

09-26-2004, 03:05 PM	#3
The Perky Ent Maniacal Mage Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: Setting sail for Umbar, with Firefoot at my side! Posts: 3,297	Aragorn: There it is! The Bridge of Khazad-Dum! Legolas: Oh great! Aragorn: Look! There's the Balrog from chapter 24! Gandalf: What's he doing here? Aragorn: He is the keeper of the Bridge of Khazad-Dum. He asks each traveller five questions-- Gimli: Three Questions Aragorn: Three questions. He who answers the five questions-- Gimli: Three questions. Aragorn: three questions, may cross in safety. Legolas: What if you get a question wrong? Aragorn: Then you are cast...into the Endless drop of Moria!!!! Legolas: Oh, I won't go! Gimli: Who's going to answer the questions? Aragorn: Legolas! Legolas: Yes? Aragorn: Brave Sir Legolas, you go! Legolas: Hey...I've got a great idea! Why doesn't Boromir go? Boromir: Yes, le me go, my liege. I will take it singlehanded. I shall make a feint to the North-East, and then-- Aragorn: No, no, no...hang on, hang on, hang on! Just answer the five questions-- Gimli: Three questions-- Aragorn: Three questions as best you can, and we shall watch...and pray! Boromir: I understand, my liege. Aragorn: Good luck, brave Sir Boromir! God be with you! Balrog: Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see. Boromir: Ask me your questions, Bridgekeeper. I am not afraid! Balrog: What is your name? Boromir: My name is Sir Boromir of Minas Tirith! Balrog: What is your quest? Boromir: To destory the ring of power! Balrog: What...is your favorite color? Boromir: Blue. Balrog: Right, off you go. Boromir: Oh! Thank you. Thank you very much. Legolas: That's easy! Balrog: Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see. Legolas: As me the questions, Bridgekeeper, I am not afraid! Balrog: What is your name? Legolas: Sir Legolas of Mirkwood! Balrog: What is your quest? Legolas: To destory the ring of power! Balrog: What...is the capital of Cardolan? Legolas: I don't know THAT!! AHHHHHHHHHH! The Balrog whips Legolas off the Bridge into the chasm Balrog: Stop! What is your name? Gimli: Sir Gimli of Erebor! Balrog: What is your quest? Gimli: To destory the ring of power! Balrog: What...is your favorite color? Gimli: Blue! No...YELLLLLOOOOOOOOWWWWWW!!!! Balrog whips Gimli off the Bridge into the chasm Balrog: Stop! What is your name? Aragorn: It is Aragorn, Chieftan of the Dunedain! Balrog: What is your quest? Aragorn: To destory the ring of power! Balrog: What...is the airspeed velocity of an unladen fell-beast? Aragorn: What do you mean? From Mordor, or Carn Dum? Balrog: Huh? What? I...I don't know that! AHHHHHHHHHHH! Balrog slips off Bridge into the chasm Gandalf: How do you know the airspeed velocity of fell-beasts? Aragorn: Well you have to know these things when your chieftan! __________________ 'But Melkor also was there, and he came to the house of Fëanor, and there he slew Finwë King of the Noldor before his doors, and spilled the first blood in the Blessed Realm; for Finwë alone had not fled from the horror of the Dark.'

09-27-2004, 01:15 AM	#4
Hookbill the Goomba Alive without breath Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: On A Cold Wind To Valhalla Posts: 5,912	Very nice Perky! __________________ I think that if you want facts, then The Downer Newspaper is probably the place to go. I know! I read it once. THE PHANTOM AND ALIEN: The Legend of the Golden Bus Ticket...

10-13-2004, 02:34 AM	#5
HerenIstarion Deadnight Chanter Join Date: Sep 2000 Posts: 4,244	2+2=4 ... Sam can gather 5 pounds of bilberries in an hour, whilst Rosie can gather 4 pounds. But if they go to the forest to gather bilberries together, it does not necessarily follow that they will gather 9 pounds in an hour’s time... __________________ Egroeg Ihkhsal - Would you believe in the love at first sight? - Yes I'm certain that it happens all the time!

10-13-2004, 09:29 AM	#6
Hama Of The Riddermark Shade of Carn Dûm Join Date: Jan 2004 Posts: 282	How many Nazgul does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Nine, one to screw it in and the rest to hunt down and destroy all lightbulbs... How many orcs does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Not known, they started fighting about who would screw it in... How many wizards does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, their staffs work just fine... Ten Nazgul commandments: Thou shalt not put "Roar if you think I'm Sexy' stickers on fell beasts... Thou shalt not roar if thou seest a 'Roar if you think I'm sexy sticker'... Thou shalt not call thy fell beast a 'ride' nor use the phrase 'If the fell beast be a rockin' don't come a knockin'' Thou shalt not laugh at orcs... Thou shalt not push orcs into a river 'just for fun'... Thou shalt not hit orcs 'to see what noise it makes' Thou shalt not listen to 'Back in Black' before a battle... Thou shalt not sell thy fell beast for a car because 'it's so much more pimp'... Thou shalt not refer to orc seige towers as 'pimp wagons'... Thou shalt not refer to Sauron as 'the big black pimp'

10-13-2004, 01:19 PM	#7
Mithalwen Pilgrim Soul Join Date: May 2004 Location: watching the wonga-wonga birds circle... Posts: 9,461	The lightbulb ... well I had a theory in another forum that the menfolk of the Noldor would be the Elvish equivalent of husbands who spend their entire lives tinkering with inventions and gadgets in their shed. Now given that Feanor was the most gifted in craft of the Noldor AND had more childen than any other elf either, it seems probable that he was "shed-husband" par excellance, and liable to go completely over the top when Nerdanel wanted any little tasks done around the house - and produced the silmarils when what she really wanted was basically a light bulb; Feanor "But look I have created the most marvellous gems in the world, made of unbreakable material, filled with the lights of the two trees.....blah, blah" Nerdanel " I only said that would be good to have a lamp that wouln't set the house on fire if the kids knocked it over...... and they have all grown up while I hve waited for you to make those...." I reckon the Palantiri were the result of him getting carried away when basically she just wanted a baby monitor.... :P __________________ “But Finrod walks with Finarfin his father beneath the trees in Eldamar.” Christopher Tolkien, Requiescat in pace Last edited by Mithalwen; 04-18-2009 at 01:03 PM.