ME jokes and funny stories - The Barrow-Downs Discussion Forum

Boromir88 · 12-15-2004, 01:46 PM

Following Perky's wonderful story from Monty Python, I had a bunch on "The Princess Bride," and "Monty Python" But I can only remember a few...

(At the Black Gates)
Aragorn: Give us the gate key.
Mouth of Sauron: I have no gate key.
Legolas: Gimli rip off his arms.
Mouth of Sauron: Oh you mean this gate key.

-----------

Isildur (to Sauron): Hello my name is Isildur, son of Elendil, you killed my father. Prepare to die!

----------
(Lurtz the immortal Black Uruk)

(Lurtz and Boromir engage in battle. Lurtz kills Boromir. Aragorn runs in.)
Lurtz: None shall pass.
Aragorn: I am King Aragorn, I must cross to my friend.
Lurtz: None shall pass.
Aragorn: I have no quarrel with you black uruk, but I must cross.
Lurtz: Then you must die.
(Start fighting, Aragorn chops off Lurtz's arm)
Aragorn: You are beaten.
Lurtz: Tis only a scratch.
Aragorn: A scratch! Your arms off!
Lurtz: I've had worse.
Aragorn: you've had...
(They engage in combat again. Aragorn throws knife into Lurtz's leg.
Aragorn walks away. Knife hilt hits him in the back of the head.)
Lurtz: Tis only a flesh wound.
Aragorn: You've faught bravely black uruk. But the fight is mine.
Lurtz: Come on you panzy!
(They engage in combat. Aragorn stabs Lurtz in the chest. Aragorn walks away again, but Lurtz trips him.)
Aragorn: What are you going to do bleed on me?
Lurtz: The Black Uruk always triumphs!
Aragorn: You're a looney. (chops off Lurtz's head and walks away.)
Lurtz: Come back here you yellow-bellied bas**rd! I'll bite your legs off!

I know this isn't exact but, I haven't seen the movie in ages, so bear with me

HerenIstarion · 02-17-2005, 04:05 AM

Sam in Golden Perch:

Sam: What's the price for just one drop of your finest beer, sir?
Inkeeper: um... what? One drop? Drop comes free, I suppose...
Sam: Very well

, pour me out a pint of your finest by drops, than, please!

narfforc · 02-17-2005, 05:48 AM

1. The Dwarven book of Dating (Dis).

2. The Hobbit Diet Book (Dr Fatty Lumpkin) or The Fatkins Diet.

3. The Orkish Etiquette Book (Gorbag).

4. Advanced Mathematics for Trolls.

5. The Orkish Vegetarian Cookbook (Grishnakh).

6. The Art of Flying (Gothmog the Balrog).

7. Growing Potatoes (Smeagol).

8. Contraception (Sam Gamgee).

9. How to choose your Bride (Bilbo and Frodo Baggins).

10. Fire Safety (Denethor).

narfforc · 02-17-2005, 04:25 PM

Beorn walks into The Prancing Pony and says to Barliman Butterbur, "A pint of ale and............................................... ...................................a packet of crisps please", Butterbur replies, "Why the big Paws?".

narfforc · 02-18-2005, 07:24 AM

1. Rivercraft, Sailboats and Canoes (Drogo Baggins).

2. Swimming for Beginners (Primula Baggins).

3. Tree Conservation (Saruman of Many Colours).

4. Recipes for Fried Fish (Gollum).

5. Achieve results, through single-mindedness (Smeagol)
(That`s my book Preciousss, gollum gollum).

6. My part in the Battle of the Last Alliance (King of the Dead).

7. Taking care of your body (Witch-King of Angmar).

8. Glaucoma for Sufferers (The Eye of Sauron).

9. Halitosis for Sufferers (The Mouth of Sauron).

10. A man of substance ( A. Nazgul)

Hookbill the Goomba · 02-18-2005, 07:57 AM

Famous Last Words

10. "I bet you fifty quid I can shoot myself in the face and survive." (Orc Artcher)

9. "That hole’s not so deep." (Gollum)

8. "Hahaha! Riding around in Mordor while drunk is great." (Orc)

7. "Don’t be stupid. There’s no such thing as Orcs!" (Boromir)

6. "Ooh, look - the uruk wants a kiss!" (A desperate Worm tong)

5. "This electric fire should make my bath water warmer..." (Denethor)

4. "Heh heh. They’ll never find me if I hide in this air-tight box." (Bill Furney)

3. "Ha ha! Stupid wolf!" (Thorin)

2. "Shut-up. I AM Superman. Just watch." (Movie Saruman)

1. "Wheeeeeeeeeeee!" (Some one who happened to be on the wall of Helm's deep when it exploded)

ALSO

Middle Earth Phobias

1) Gondaphobia
Fear of Gondorians

2) Hairdfeetaphobia
Fear of hobbits

3) Arachnophobia
Fear of Shelob

4) Saurophobia
Fear of eyes wreathed in flame

5) Doomaphobia
Fear of mount doom

6) Lubursaphobia
Fear of Barrad-dur

7) Spoonaphobia
Fear of Sack-vill Bagginses

8) Nechrophobia
Fear of Barrow Wights

9) Pogonophobia
Fear of Dwarves

10) Limnophobia
Fear of lakes (Most Hobbits have this)

HerenIstarion · 04-12-2005, 02:05 AM

Despite Sam's view on the subject, Frodo became very famous in the Shire, so all young hobbits were eager to take after him. The situation soon ended in environmental catastrophe in Mordor, as Orodruin was dumped up to its muzzle with all kinds of rings, washers and ball-bearings...

02-17-2005, 04:05 AM	#2
HerenIstarion Deadnight Chanter Join Date: Sep 2000 Posts: 4,244	after a break... Sam in Golden Perch: Sam: What's the price for just one drop of your finest beer, sir? Inkeeper: um... what? One drop? Drop comes free, I suppose... Sam: Very well , pour me out a pint of your finest by drops, than, please! __________________ Egroeg Ihkhsal - Would you believe in the love at first sight? - Yes I'm certain that it happens all the time!

02-17-2005, 05:48 AM	#3
narfforc Ghost Prince of Cardolan Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Muddy-earth Posts: 1,297	Smallest books in Middle-Earth 1. The Dwarven book of Dating (Dis). 2. The Hobbit Diet Book (Dr Fatty Lumpkin) or The Fatkins Diet. 3. The Orkish Etiquette Book (Gorbag). 4. Advanced Mathematics for Trolls. 5. The Orkish Vegetarian Cookbook (Grishnakh). 6. The Art of Flying (Gothmog the Balrog). 7. Growing Potatoes (Smeagol). 8. Contraception (Sam Gamgee). 9. How to choose your Bride (Bilbo and Frodo Baggins). 10. Fire Safety (Denethor).

02-17-2005, 04:25 PM	#4
narfforc Ghost Prince of Cardolan Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Muddy-earth Posts: 1,297	Bear with me Beorn walks into The Prancing Pony and says to Barliman Butterbur, "A pint of ale and............................................... ...................................a packet of crisps please", Butterbur replies, "Why the big Paws?".

02-18-2005, 07:24 AM	#5
narfforc Ghost Prince of Cardolan Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Muddy-earth Posts: 1,297	More small books. 1. Rivercraft, Sailboats and Canoes (Drogo Baggins). 2. Swimming for Beginners (Primula Baggins). 3. Tree Conservation (Saruman of Many Colours). 4. Recipes for Fried Fish (Gollum). 5. Achieve results, through single-mindedness (Smeagol) (That`s my book Preciousss, gollum gollum). 6. My part in the Battle of the Last Alliance (King of the Dead). 7. Taking care of your body (Witch-King of Angmar). 8. Glaucoma for Sufferers (The Eye of Sauron). 9. Halitosis for Sufferers (The Mouth of Sauron). 10. A man of substance ( A. Nazgul)

02-18-2005, 07:57 AM	#6
Hookbill the Goomba Alive without breath Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: On A Cold Wind To Valhalla Posts: 5,912	Famous Last Words 10. "I bet you fifty quid I can shoot myself in the face and survive." (Orc Artcher) 9. "That hole’s not so deep." (Gollum) 8. "Hahaha! Riding around in Mordor while drunk is great." (Orc) 7. "Don’t be stupid. There’s no such thing as Orcs!" (Boromir) 6. "Ooh, look - the uruk wants a kiss!" (A desperate Worm tong) 5. "This electric fire should make my bath water warmer..." (Denethor) 4. "Heh heh. They’ll never find me if I hide in this air-tight box." (Bill Furney) 3. "Ha ha! Stupid wolf!" (Thorin) 2. "Shut-up. I AM Superman. Just watch." (Movie Saruman) 1. "Wheeeeeeeeeeee!" (Some one who happened to be on the wall of Helm's deep when it exploded) ALSO Middle Earth Phobias 1) Gondaphobia Fear of Gondorians 2) Hairdfeetaphobia Fear of hobbits 3) Arachnophobia Fear of Shelob 4) Saurophobia Fear of eyes wreathed in flame 5) Doomaphobia Fear of mount doom 6) Lubursaphobia Fear of Barrad-dur 7) Spoonaphobia Fear of Sack-vill Bagginses 8) Nechrophobia Fear of Barrow Wights 9) Pogonophobia Fear of Dwarves 10) Limnophobia Fear of lakes (Most Hobbits have this) __________________ I think that if you want facts, then The Downer Newspaper is probably the place to go. I know! I read it once. THE PHANTOM AND ALIEN: The Legend of the Golden Bus Ticket... Last edited by Hookbill the Goomba; 02-18-2005 at 08:19 AM.

12-15-2004, 01:46 PM	#1
Boromir88 Laconic Loreman Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: USA Posts: 7,521	Following Perky's wonderful story from Monty Python, I had a bunch on "The Princess Bride," and "Monty Python" But I can only remember a few... (At the Black Gates) Aragorn: Give us the gate key. Mouth of Sauron: I have no gate key. Legolas: Gimli rip off his arms. Mouth of Sauron: Oh you mean this gate key. ----------- Isildur (to Sauron): Hello my name is Isildur, son of Elendil, you killed my father. Prepare to die! ---------- (Lurtz the immortal Black Uruk) (Lurtz and Boromir engage in battle. Lurtz kills Boromir. Aragorn runs in.) Lurtz: None shall pass. Aragorn: I am King Aragorn, I must cross to my friend. Lurtz: None shall pass. Aragorn: I have no quarrel with you black uruk, but I must cross. Lurtz: Then you must die. (Start fighting, Aragorn chops off Lurtz's arm) Aragorn: You are beaten. Lurtz: Tis only a scratch. Aragorn: A scratch! Your arms off! Lurtz: I've had worse. Aragorn: you've had... (They engage in combat again. Aragorn throws knife into Lurtz's leg. Aragorn walks away. Knife hilt hits him in the back of the head.) Lurtz: Tis only a flesh wound. Aragorn: You've faught bravely black uruk. But the fight is mine. Lurtz: Come on you panzy! (They engage in combat. Aragorn stabs Lurtz in the chest. Aragorn walks away again, but Lurtz trips him.) Aragorn: What are you going to do bleed on me? Lurtz: The Black Uruk always triumphs! Aragorn: You're a looney. (chops off Lurtz's head and walks away.) Lurtz: Come back here you yellow-bellied bas**rd! I'll bite your legs off! I know this isn't exact but, I haven't seen the movie in ages, so bear with me

04-12-2005, 02:05 AM	#7
HerenIstarion Deadnight Chanter Join Date: Sep 2000 Posts: 4,244	Despite Sam's view on the subject, Frodo became very famous in the Shire, so all young hobbits were eager to take after him. The situation soon ended in environmental catastrophe in Mordor, as Orodruin was dumped up to its muzzle with all kinds of rings, washers and ball-bearings... __________________ Egroeg Ihkhsal - Would you believe in the love at first sight? - Yes I'm certain that it happens all the time!