The Barrow Downs Newspaper

[Kuruharan]

And penguins don't murder people!

Ha! A likely story, just what subversive elements in our society would like us to think! Then WHAMMO!!!

I personally find it much more unlikely that a penguin would die by drowning.

Strapping dynamite to its flippers would have been more appropriate...and gory...

[Brinniel]

I am thoroughly frightened! Penguins have lived in my dorm as long as I have. And all seemed well until I read Volo's story. Ever since, I've noticed the penguins following me wherever I go, giving me these creepy looks....

Take a look for yourself. I swear I'm not imagining it!

[Thinlómien]

Originally Posted by Kuruharan

I personally find it much more unlikely that a penguin would die by drowning.

Well, that too. That picture was especially horrible.

Strapping dynamite to its flippers would have been more appropriate...and gory...

That's cruel! The Penguin Rights Watch protests!

*makes banners*

SAVE INNOCENT PENGUINS FROM WRONGFUL ACCUSATIONS!

PENGUINS DON'T DESERVE DEATH BY DROWNING OR BY DYNAMITE!

STOP VIOLENCE AGAINST PENGUINS!

[Volo]

I bet YOU sent the penguin to assassinate me! But no, you wouldn't have killed it... Hmm... The case is still open.

Brinniel, that is frightening, we must stop the evil penguin mastermind! Lommy, help us and justice will be back and everybody (the, also the penguins) will live (or unlive) happily ever after.

[Thinlómien]

By Grise Echo

The murders of a 'downer and a penguin (who is suspected to have commited the murder) are about to be solved. The Central Wight Police (CWP) has made an order to arrest a maia spirit that lives in the seas near Helcaraxë.

The maia, who remains anonymous, is previously suspected of capturing Elenwë, wife to Turgon of Gondolin, and the murders of five noldorin Elves of her household, including Turgon's nephew.

[Kuruharan]

That's cruel!

Perhaps you're right. A simple hanging would have been as effective and less costly.

STOP VIOLENCE AGAINST PENGUINS!

-and-

The maia, who remains anonymous, is previously suspected of capturing Elenwë, wife to Turgon of Gondolin, and the murders of five noldorin Elves of her household, including Turgon's nephew.

*looks around carefully to see if any of the feathered fiends are in sight*

I have it on good authority that a certain Dark Power is actually attempting to replace orcs with penguins. It is a little known fact (that has hitherto gone unreported in the biased media) that the area where these poor innocent Elves (can you believe I just said that ) disappeared were awash in feathers!

There was a certain O. C. Cobblepot who was investigating these developments, but he ended up glued to the hull of the Titanic. Clearly he was getting on to something.

We can no more stop violence against penguins than we could against orcs.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

All right, I think the Penguin discussion has reached a conclusion. I hear the snuffling of Chat Squirrels at the door. So, drop the subject and go home. But no one goes home empty handed! You each receive a Special Barrow Downs Hat!

[Gothmog]

Sorry to intrude on this newspaper’s site, but I found some disturbing posters when cleaning a chamber in one of the barrows furthest away from here. I thought it would be best to let this come to Hookbills, and all you other downers, attention as soon as possible. This was what the posters said:

OUTRAGEOUS!
Listen up all ghosts, ghouls, ghasts, zombies, wights, demons and other undead horrors of the downs! It’s time for someone to take actions against this new tool for the leaders to manipulate us, this newspaper, this “The Downer”. It’s an obvious fraud! I can’t believe they dare to call it newspaper, it’s neither news nor written on paper! It should be called “old-made-up-writing-in-digital-form” or something! Fabricated tales, probably a product of some sick governement employee that tries to promote their dear “wight”. I’ve already sent some agents, loyal to our cause, to sabotage The Downer. Unfortunely, one of the black and white, beaked, small bird agents was exposed and had to get rid of the witness. Pity we had to get rid of him soon after...

Now we need YOU, volunteers that can help us stop this horrible abomination called newspaper! Everyone is welcome in our organisation of resistance! Let’s fight back NOW before it’s too late!

And it was signed “Ed Red the Dead Dread”. Now that explains a thing or two! I must get back and clean the chambers, you wouldn’t believe how much dust that accumulates over 3,000 years! I’ll leave the poster here with you so you can decide what to do about it. See you later!