Monty Python's "There and Back Again" - The Barrow-Downs Discussion Forum

Morthoron · 05-23-2008, 09:38 PM

An Unexpected Party, Part I

Narrator: And so Gandalf, having conjured up a writ of Habeas Corpus (as well as disintegrating the stubborn judge's gavel with a flash of lightning), managed to secure Bilbo Baggins' release from unlawful detention. The Sackville-Bagginses were, of course, sacked, and the relieved Bilbo once again found himself alone in the cozy environs of his quaint hobbit hole. Setting a kettle on the hob, Bilbo sat back in his chair and gingerly nibbled a biscuit.

*Knock, knock*

Bilbo: Now who can that be? Ah yes, it's Wednesday, and Gandalf said he'd be by.

*Opens the door*

Bilbo: Greetings Gandalf, how are...wait a moment, who the 'ell are you?

Dwalin: Dwalin at your service. [the dwarf in a dark-green cape bows grandly]

*Uncomfortable silence*

Dwalin: I am here for a meeting.

*Uncomfortable silence*

Dwalin: Errr...At Gandalf's request.

Bilbo: Right...in you go then. I'm about to take tea and have some cakes, would you care to join me?

Dwalin: I thought you would never ask. I am starving.

*The dwarf hangs up his cape on a peg and bowls Bilbo over in a rush to reach the cakes*

*Knock, knock*

Bilbo: [Picking himself off the ground] Excuse me, Dwalin, I'll be right with you! [opens the door] Gandalf, I really...

*A white-haired dwarf in a scarlet hood bows*

Balin: Greetings! Balin at your service! Ah, I can see by the green hood that they have begun to arrive! Is that seed-cake I smell? Don't worry, I'll help meself. I hope you have some beer in your cellar.

*Balin puts his hood on a peg next to Dwalin's and storms off down the hallway*

Bilbo: [pitifully] They? Begun to arrive?

*Knock, knock*

Bilbo: This better damn well be Gandalf!

*Two more dwarves force their way through Bilbo's door, hanging two blue hoods on the pegs*

Fili and Kili: We are Fili and Kili at your...

Bilbo: Yes, yes, you're at my bloody service. Off with you then.

*The two dwarves stamp down the hall*

*Knock, knock*

Bilbo: Oh for the love of...

*Bilbo opens the door to find a dwarf in a pink hood*

Dumplin: HI! You must be Bilbo! Oooh, such an erotic name. I am Dumplin, at your service. [winks]

*Bilbo opens his mouth to speak, but is speechless*

Dumplin: I'll just follow the others and get a bite to eat. Do you have a latte? Oh, never mind, I'll make some myself. Oh my dear, we have so much to talk about. I am intrigued by hobbits and their big feet. You know what they say... [winks again]

*The dwarf pinches Bilbo's bottom as he passes*

*knock, knock*

Bilbo: What the...

*A horde of dwarves in variously colored hoods mob his doorway*

Bilbo: And just who are all of you?

Gloin: We are the dwarves of limited speaking roles, at your service. Bit actors and carnies mostly. There's so few decent parts for we dwarves as of late, what with CG animation taking away all the Oompaloompa roles in Charlie and the Chocolate factory.

Dori: That Tim Burton bastard.

Gloin: At least this gig pays union scale, and is not some dwarf-tossing event at the local county fair.

Dori: Dwarf-bowling's even worse.

Bilbo: [rolls eyes] Come in, come in...I am Bilbo Baggins...at your service! The rest of your herd are already raping my pantry. What's a few more?

*The dwarves cheer and swarm over Bilbo, and soon there is the sound of clinking mugs and cracking plates*

*knock, knock*

Bilbo: Oh, please be Gandalf!

*An immensely fat dwarf stands panting on Bilbo's porch*

Bilbo: And you are?

Bombur: Hungry!

Bilbo: Of course you are. Come on in! I am sure there are a few cattle I can wrangle up for you.

Narrator: And so, a dismayed Mr. Baggins goes about serving the ravenous dwarves, who have started eating the rush seats off his kitchen chairs.

Morthoron · 05-26-2008, 10:45 AM

An Unexpected Party, Part II

Narrator: Even with the eventual arrival of Gandalf the Gray and Thorin Oakenshield, an immensely important leader of the dwarves (and quite nattily attired, I must say), the ransacking of Bilbo's hobbit-hole continued unabated.

*Sounds of tables overturning, glass breaking and drunken laughter*

Bilbo: Please be careful with that...

*A dwarf hurls a plate like a Frisbee to another dwarf sitting across the table*

Bilbo: Don't use that one, please, it's my Battle of Greenfields Bicentennial Commemorative mug!

* A dwarf crushes the mug against his forehead*

Dwalin: More ale, Bilbo!

Balin: And more cakes!

Bombur: And more meat!

Dumplin: And more cleavage! [the dwarf ogles Bilbo's opened collar]

Bilbo: [quickly buttoning his shirt] Please, my good dwarves, please do be more careful!

*The Dwarves break out into song*

Chip the glasses and break the plates
Carve obscenities into the table
That's what Bilbo Baggins hates
Plunder the cupboards and switch the labels

Spread grease upon the kitchen walls
Vomit all over the welcome mat
Play rugby up and down the hall
Break the bottles and bury the cat [a cat shrieks]

Burn the tapestries, molest the sheep [plaintive bleating]
Piddle down the cellar stairs
That's what makes poor Bilbo weep
Torture the houseplants and crucify hares [quick animation of a rabbit on a cross with a Gregorian chant as background music]

*Gandalf's mighty voice rises above the din like thunder*

Gandalf: Enough! That will be quite enough of that!

*A dwarf falls from a chandelier*

Gandalf: [In a more businesslike manner] Now, we have urgent business to attend to...

Bêthberry · 05-26-2008, 11:02 AM

*Bethberry steps in briefly with an observation*

This is sounding entirely too much like Withnail and I. I do hope Gandy won't turn out to be an Uncle Monty.

Morthoron · 05-26-2008, 03:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bêthberry

*Bethberry steps in briefly with an observation*

This is sounding entirely too much like Withnail and I. I do hope Gandy won't turn out to be an Uncle Monty.

*Shrugs*

I've never seen the movie (to be honest, I've never heard of it until you mentioned it -- blame it on my American naivety), but I take it your comment is entirely negative in that regard. Reading the summarization of the plot, I'm not seeing the similarities.

And no, based on the summarization I don't believe Gandalf will bear a resemblance to 'Uncle Monty', although I do see the part filled by Graham Chapman (who was of course gay in real life, but rarely played one in MP skits).

Bêthberry · 05-26-2008, 03:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Morthoron

*Shrugs*

I've never seen the movie (to be honest, I've never heard of it until you mentioned it -- blame it on my American naivety), but I take it your comment is entirely negative in that regard. Reading the summarization of the plot, I'm not seeing the similarities.

And no, based on the summarization I don't believe Gandalf will bear a resemblance to 'Uncle Monty', although I do see the part filled by Graham Chapman (who was of course gay in real life, but rarely played one in MP skits).

Oh dearie me, referencing a movie from too long ago for the newer members. I did see Withnail and I in North America at an American movie chain theatre, so am quite positive it did have an NA release. And so now, faced with the humiliation of having to explain it all.... ah, ah, well. You are incorrect, though, that my observation was negative. So that's two strikes against my post. Might as well give up and return to silent lurking . . .

Carry on, gang.

Morthoron · 05-26-2008, 04:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bêthberry

So that's two strikes against my post. Might as well give up and return to silent lurking . . .

No, I can appreciate criticism, I just didn't understand the context it was framed in. After all, I would hate to think my posts were derivative...

Ummm...other than the bold-faced mimicry of the style of a satiric comedy troop making a farcical movie that apes a fantasy story (allegorical only on a subsumed basis) which contains elements of pre-existing mythology and a faint veneer of Catholicity.

Other than that, there should be nothing derivative whatsoever.

Morthoron · 06-03-2008, 02:32 PM

An Unexpected Party, Part III

Narrator: Gandalf, having quieted the rabble-rousing dwarves, gave the floor to the immensely important dwarf, Thorin Oakenshield, who got his nick by swatting Orcs with the branch of an oak tree, which, of course, bears little resemblance to a shield (either the round buckler variety or the more substantial medieval heater shield)...

Thorin: Ahem...

Narrator: Oh yes, please begin.

Thorin: We are gathered here on this most auspicious of occasions to discuss, debate and otherwise converse in a high-minded and grave manner regarding the pitfalls, perils and myriad dangers the journey which we shall be soon undertaking is so decidedly fraught with...

Bilbo: [whispering to Gandalf] Does he always talk like that?

Gandalf: [whispering back to Bilbo] Shhhh! It's far better than his singing!

Thorin: ...Death will be a welcomed release for many of us who choose to trod on this most hazardous adventure...

Bilbo: [whispering to Gandalf] God, I'm glad I have no part in this.

Thorin: ...And I am most grateful that our newly-hired burglar has chosen to risk his very life and limb for we dwarves in the pursuit of our lost legacy...

Bilbo: [whispering to Gandalf] Hah, what idiot would go and risk his life for a bunch of flea-bitten dwarves?

Thorin: And so, my good dwarves, three cheers for Mr. Bilbo Baggins!

Bilbo: Wha?

Dwarves: HUZZAH! HUZZAH! HUZZAH!

Bilbo: I beg your pardon, but...

Thorin: And now I believe it's time for a song!

Gandalf: Oh no, not another song!

Thorin: [Blows a pitch pipe, but hums off-key] Ahem, excuse me...

*Thorin begins singing in a deep, rich tone*

In caverns deep in days of old
We built our keeps of solid gold
Labor was cheap, we bought and sold
With laissez-faire our motto

The market trade went up and down
But we got paid in golden crowns
The arms we made gained high renown
And booty filled our grottoes

Never hunted deer or herded sheep
We had kegs of beer and slabs of meat
Men supplied near all we could eat
And Hobbits sent po-ta-toes

But in every dwarf’s life a little rain must fall
And that is why it does us well to recall…

Hit it…

*The dwarves break out saxes, trumpets, trombones, tubas, banjos and harmonicas seemingly from thin air and start playing a swing-blues number*

This here’s the story ‘bout Smaug the Deathless
His breath so fiery it’d leave you breathless
He was the meanest old dragon spawn
And he burnt up the dwarves until we was gone

Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho (Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho)
Us dwarves are sho’ 'nuf' po' (Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho)
Oh-Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho
It’s off to work we go (Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho)

He went and ‘et up the King under the mountain
He’s gone and defiled our drinking fountains
He drove us dwarves so far, far away
We sing the Lonely Mountain Blues till this very day

Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho (Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho)
Us dwarves are sho’ ‘nuf po’ (Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho)
Oh-Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho
So it’s off to work we go (Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho)

Now we is exiled, and wherever we roam
We aint got no hearth, we aint got no home
Now we’s off on our journey ‘ere the break of day
To find that buggerin’ old Smaug and make him pay

Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho (Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho)
Us dwarves are sho’ ‘nuf po’ (Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho)
Oh-Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho
So it’s off to work we go (Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho)

Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho (Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho)
It’s off to work we go (Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho)
Oh-Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho
Us dwarves are sho’ ‘nuf po’
Sho’ ‘nuf
Sho’ ‘nuf
Sho’ ‘nuf po’

05-23-2008, 09:38 PM	#1
Morthoron Curmudgeonly Wordwraith Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Ensconced in curmudgeonly pursuits Posts: 2,515	An Unexpected Party, Part I Narrator: And so Gandalf, having conjured up a writ of Habeas Corpus (as well as disintegrating the stubborn judge's gavel with a flash of lightning), managed to secure Bilbo Baggins' release from unlawful detention. The Sackville-Bagginses were, of course, sacked, and the relieved Bilbo once again found himself alone in the cozy environs of his quaint hobbit hole. Setting a kettle on the hob, Bilbo sat back in his chair and gingerly nibbled a biscuit. Knock, knock Bilbo: Now who can that be? Ah yes, it's Wednesday, and Gandalf said he'd be by. Opens the door Bilbo: Greetings Gandalf, how are...wait a moment, who the 'ell are you? Dwalin: Dwalin at your service. [the dwarf in a dark-green cape bows grandly] Uncomfortable silence Dwalin: I am here for a meeting. Uncomfortable silence Dwalin: Errr...At Gandalf's request. Bilbo: Right...in you go then. I'm about to take tea and have some cakes, would you care to join me? Dwalin: I thought you would never ask. I am starving. The dwarf hangs up his cape on a peg and bowls Bilbo over in a rush to reach the cakes Knock, knock Bilbo: [Picking himself off the ground] Excuse me, Dwalin, I'll be right with you! [opens the door] Gandalf, I really... A white-haired dwarf in a scarlet hood bows Balin: Greetings! Balin at your service! Ah, I can see by the green hood that they have begun to arrive! Is that seed-cake I smell? Don't worry, I'll help meself. I hope you have some beer in your cellar. Balin puts his hood on a peg next to Dwalin's and storms off down the hallway Bilbo: [pitifully] They? Begun to arrive? Knock, knock Bilbo: This better damn well be Gandalf! Two more dwarves force their way through Bilbo's door, hanging two blue hoods on the pegs Fili and Kili: We are Fili and Kili at your... Bilbo: Yes, yes, you're at my bloody service. Off with you then. The two dwarves stamp down the hall Knock, knock Bilbo: Oh for the love of... Bilbo opens the door to find a dwarf in a pink hood Dumplin: HI! You must be Bilbo! Oooh, such an erotic name. I am Dumplin, at your service. [winks] Bilbo opens his mouth to speak, but is speechless Dumplin: I'll just follow the others and get a bite to eat. Do you have a latte? Oh, never mind, I'll make some myself. Oh my dear, we have so much to talk about. I am intrigued by hobbits and their big feet. You know what they say... [winks again] The dwarf pinches Bilbo's bottom as he passes knock, knock Bilbo: What the... A horde of dwarves in variously colored hoods mob his doorway Bilbo: And just who are all of you? Gloin: We are the dwarves of limited speaking roles, at your service. Bit actors and carnies mostly. There's so few decent parts for we dwarves as of late, what with CG animation taking away all the Oompaloompa roles in Charlie and the Chocolate factory. Dori: That Tim Burton bastard. Gloin: At least this gig pays union scale, and is not some dwarf-tossing event at the local county fair. Dori: Dwarf-bowling's even worse. Bilbo: [rolls eyes] Come in, come in...I am Bilbo Baggins...at your service! The rest of your herd are already raping my pantry. What's a few more? The dwarves cheer and swarm over Bilbo, and soon there is the sound of clinking mugs and cracking plates knock, knock Bilbo: Oh, please be Gandalf! An immensely fat dwarf stands panting on Bilbo's porch Bilbo: And you are? Bombur: Hungry! Bilbo: Of course you are. Come on in! I am sure there are a few cattle I can wrangle up for you. Narrator: And so, a dismayed Mr. Baggins goes about serving the ravenous dwarves, who have started eating the rush seats off his kitchen chairs. __________________ And your little sister's immaculate virginity wings away on the bony shoulders of a young horse named George who stole surreptitiously into her geography revision. Last edited by Morthoron; 05-25-2008 at 10:40 AM.

05-26-2008, 10:45 AM	#2
Morthoron Curmudgeonly Wordwraith Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Ensconced in curmudgeonly pursuits Posts: 2,515	An Unexpected Party, Part II Narrator: Even with the eventual arrival of Gandalf the Gray and Thorin Oakenshield, an immensely important leader of the dwarves (and quite nattily attired, I must say), the ransacking of Bilbo's hobbit-hole continued unabated. Sounds of tables overturning, glass breaking and drunken laughter Bilbo: Please be careful with that... A dwarf hurls a plate like a Frisbee to another dwarf sitting across the table Bilbo: Don't use that one, please, it's my Battle of Greenfields Bicentennial Commemorative mug! * A dwarf crushes the mug against his forehead* Dwalin: More ale, Bilbo! Balin: And more cakes! Bombur: And more meat! Dumplin: And more cleavage! [the dwarf ogles Bilbo's opened collar] Bilbo: [quickly buttoning his shirt] Please, my good dwarves, please do be more careful! The Dwarves break out into song Chip the glasses and break the plates Carve obscenities into the table That's what Bilbo Baggins hates Plunder the cupboards and switch the labels Spread grease upon the kitchen walls Vomit all over the welcome mat Play rugby up and down the hall Break the bottles and bury the cat [a cat shrieks] Burn the tapestries, molest the sheep [plaintive bleating] Piddle down the cellar stairs That's what makes poor Bilbo weep Torture the houseplants and crucify hares [quick animation of a rabbit on a cross with a Gregorian chant as background music] Gandalf's mighty voice rises above the din like thunder Gandalf: Enough! That will be quite enough of that! A dwarf falls from a chandelier Gandalf: [In a more businesslike manner] Now, we have urgent business to attend to... __________________ And your little sister's immaculate virginity wings away on the bony shoulders of a young horse named George who stole surreptitiously into her geography revision. Last edited by Morthoron; 05-26-2008 at 12:43 PM.

05-26-2008, 11:02 AM	#3
Bêthberry Cryptic Aura Join Date: May 2002 Posts: 6,003	Bethberry steps in briefly with an observation This is sounding entirely too much like Withnail and I. I do hope Gandy won't turn out to be an Uncle Monty. __________________ I’ll sing his roots off. I’ll sing a wind up and blow leaf and branch away.

06-03-2008, 02:32 PM	#7
Morthoron Curmudgeonly Wordwraith Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Ensconced in curmudgeonly pursuits Posts: 2,515	An Unexpected Party, Part III Narrator: Gandalf, having quieted the rabble-rousing dwarves, gave the floor to the immensely important dwarf, Thorin Oakenshield, who got his nick by swatting Orcs with the branch of an oak tree, which, of course, bears little resemblance to a shield (either the round buckler variety or the more substantial medieval heater shield)... Thorin: Ahem... Narrator: Oh yes, please begin. Thorin: We are gathered here on this most auspicious of occasions to discuss, debate and otherwise converse in a high-minded and grave manner regarding the pitfalls, perils and myriad dangers the journey which we shall be soon undertaking is so decidedly fraught with... Bilbo: [whispering to Gandalf] Does he always talk like that? Gandalf: [whispering back to Bilbo] Shhhh! It's far better than his singing! Thorin: ...Death will be a welcomed release for many of us who choose to trod on this most hazardous adventure... Bilbo: [whispering to Gandalf] God, I'm glad I have no part in this. Thorin: ...And I am most grateful that our newly-hired burglar has chosen to risk his very life and limb for we dwarves in the pursuit of our lost legacy... Bilbo: [whispering to Gandalf] Hah, what idiot would go and risk his life for a bunch of flea-bitten dwarves? Thorin: And so, my good dwarves, three cheers for Mr. Bilbo Baggins! Bilbo: Wha? Dwarves: HUZZAH! HUZZAH! HUZZAH! Bilbo: I beg your pardon, but... Thorin: And now I believe it's time for a song! Gandalf: Oh no, not another song! Thorin: [Blows a pitch pipe, but hums off-key] Ahem, excuse me... Thorin begins singing in a deep, rich tone In caverns deep in days of old We built our keeps of solid gold Labor was cheap, we bought and sold With laissez-faire our motto The market trade went up and down But we got paid in golden crowns The arms we made gained high renown And booty filled our grottoes Never hunted deer or herded sheep We had kegs of beer and slabs of meat Men supplied near all we could eat And Hobbits sent po-ta-toes But in every dwarf’s life a little rain must fall And that is why it does us well to recall… Hit it… The dwarves break out saxes, trumpets, trombones, tubas, banjos and harmonicas seemingly from thin air and start playing a swing-blues number This here’s the story ‘bout Smaug the Deathless His breath so fiery it’d leave you breathless He was the meanest old dragon spawn And he burnt up the dwarves until we was gone Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho (Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho) Us dwarves are sho’ 'nuf' po' (Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho) Oh-Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho It’s off to work we go (Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho) He went and ‘et up the King under the mountain He’s gone and defiled our drinking fountains He drove us dwarves so far, far away We sing the Lonely Mountain Blues till this very day Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho (Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho) Us dwarves are sho’ ‘nuf po’ (Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho) Oh-Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho So it’s off to work we go (Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho) Now we is exiled, and wherever we roam We aint got no hearth, we aint got no home Now we’s off on our journey ‘ere the break of day To find that buggerin’ old Smaug and make him pay Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho (Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho) Us dwarves are sho’ ‘nuf po’ (Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho) Oh-Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho So it’s off to work we go (Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho) Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho (Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho) It’s off to work we go (Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho) Oh-Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho Us dwarves are sho’ ‘nuf po’ Sho’ ‘nuf Sho’ ‘nuf Sho’ ‘nuf po’ __________________ And your little sister's immaculate virginity wings away on the bony shoulders of a young horse named George who stole surreptitiously into her geography revision. Last edited by Morthoron; 06-03-2008 at 04:48 PM.