Monty Python's "There and Back Again"

[Bêthberry]

*Bethberry steps in briefly with an observation*

This is sounding entirely too much like Withnail and I. I do hope Gandy won't turn out to be an Uncle Monty.

[Morthoron]

Originally Posted by Bêthberry

*Bethberry steps in briefly with an observation*

This is sounding entirely too much like Withnail and I. I do hope Gandy won't turn out to be an Uncle Monty.

*Shrugs*

I've never seen the movie (to be honest, I've never heard of it until you mentioned it -- blame it on my American naivety), but I take it your comment is entirely negative in that regard. Reading the summarization of the plot, I'm not seeing the similarities.

And no, based on the summarization I don't believe Gandalf will bear a resemblance to 'Uncle Monty', although I do see the part filled by Graham Chapman (who was of course gay in real life, but rarely played one in MP skits).

[Bêthberry]

Originally Posted by Morthoron

*Shrugs*

I've never seen the movie (to be honest, I've never heard of it until you mentioned it -- blame it on my American naivety), but I take it your comment is entirely negative in that regard. Reading the summarization of the plot, I'm not seeing the similarities.

And no, based on the summarization I don't believe Gandalf will bear a resemblance to 'Uncle Monty', although I do see the part filled by Graham Chapman (who was of course gay in real life, but rarely played one in MP skits).

Oh dearie me, referencing a movie from too long ago for the newer members. I did see Withnail and I in North America at an American movie chain theatre, so am quite positive it did have an NA release. And so now, faced with the humiliation of having to explain it all.... ah, ah, well. You are incorrect, though, that my observation was negative. So that's two strikes against my post. Might as well give up and return to silent lurking . . .

Carry on, gang.

[Morthoron]

Originally Posted by Bêthberry

So that's two strikes against my post. Might as well give up and return to silent lurking . . .

No, I can appreciate criticism, I just didn't understand the context it was framed in. After all, I would hate to think my posts were derivative...

Ummm...other than the bold-faced mimicry of the style of a satiric comedy troop making a farcical movie that apes a fantasy story (allegorical only on a subsumed basis) which contains elements of pre-existing mythology and a faint veneer of Catholicity.

Other than that, there should be nothing derivative whatsoever.

[Morthoron]

An Unexpected Party, Part III

Narrator: Gandalf, having quieted the rabble-rousing dwarves, gave the floor to the immensely important dwarf, Thorin Oakenshield, who got his nick by swatting Orcs with the branch of an oak tree, which, of course, bears little resemblance to a shield (either the round buckler variety or the more substantial medieval heater shield)...

Thorin: Ahem...

Narrator: Oh yes, please begin.

Thorin: We are gathered here on this most auspicious of occasions to discuss, debate and otherwise converse in a high-minded and grave manner regarding the pitfalls, perils and myriad dangers the journey which we shall be soon undertaking is so decidedly fraught with...

Bilbo: [whispering to Gandalf] Does he always talk like that?

Gandalf: [whispering back to Bilbo] Shhhh! It's far better than his singing!

Thorin: ...Death will be a welcomed release for many of us who choose to trod on this most hazardous adventure...

Bilbo: [whispering to Gandalf] God, I'm glad I have no part in this.

Thorin: ...And I am most grateful that our newly-hired burglar has chosen to risk his very life and limb for we dwarves in the pursuit of our lost legacy...

Bilbo: [whispering to Gandalf] Hah, what idiot would go and risk his life for a bunch of flea-bitten dwarves?

Thorin: And so, my good dwarves, three cheers for Mr. Bilbo Baggins!

Bilbo: Wha?

Dwarves: HUZZAH! HUZZAH! HUZZAH!

Bilbo: I beg your pardon, but...

Thorin: And now I believe it's time for a song!

Gandalf: Oh no, not another song!

Thorin: [Blows a pitch pipe, but hums off-key] Ahem, excuse me...

*Thorin begins singing in a deep, rich tone*

In caverns deep in days of old
We built our keeps of solid gold
Labor was cheap, we bought and sold
With laissez-faire our motto

The market trade went up and down
But we got paid in golden crowns
The arms we made gained high renown
And booty filled our grottoes

Never hunted deer or herded sheep
We had kegs of beer and slabs of meat
Men supplied near all we could eat
And Hobbits sent po-ta-toes

But in every dwarf’s life a little rain must fall
And that is why it does us well to recall…

Hit it…

*The dwarves break out saxes, trumpets, trombones, tubas, banjos and harmonicas seemingly from thin air and start playing a swing-blues number*

This here’s the story ‘bout Smaug the Deathless
His breath so fiery it’d leave you breathless
He was the meanest old dragon spawn
And he burnt up the dwarves until we was gone

Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho (Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho)
Us dwarves are sho’ 'nuf' po' (Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho)
Oh-Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho
It’s off to work we go (Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho)

He went and ‘et up the King under the mountain
He’s gone and defiled our drinking fountains
He drove us dwarves so far, far away
We sing the Lonely Mountain Blues till this very day

Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho (Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho)
Us dwarves are sho’ ‘nuf po’ (Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho)
Oh-Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho
So it’s off to work we go (Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho)

Now we is exiled, and wherever we roam
We aint got no hearth, we aint got no home
Now we’s off on our journey ‘ere the break of day
To find that buggerin’ old Smaug and make him pay

Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho (Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho)
Us dwarves are sho’ ‘nuf po’ (Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho)
Oh-Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho
So it’s off to work we go (Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho)

Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho (Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho)
It’s off to work we go (Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho)
Oh-Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho
Us dwarves are sho’ ‘nuf po’
Sho’ ‘nuf
Sho’ ‘nuf
Sho’ ‘nuf po’

[Thenamir]

"One-eyed dark lords distributing rings is no basis for a system of government..."

[Morthoron]

Roast Mutton, Part I

Narrator: Bilbo awoke the next morning with a pounding headache. All the previous night the dwarves and Gandalf had spoken in low whispers regarding the dragon, Smaug, of the far-off Lonely Mountain, and the burgling of the treasure that was to be done by the reluctant Bilbo.

Bilbo: Thank goodness, it was all a bad dream! Probably brought on by an undigested bit of beef.

*A scantily clad hobbit-maid enters Bilbo's bedchamber bearing a tray with hot tea and a steaming breakfast*

Bilbo: Hello...who are you?

Bawdy: Don't be silly, dear Bilbo! I am Bawdy...Bawdy Brandybuck, the contractually obligatory Hollywood love-interest. One can't very well have an epic movie now-a-days without a love interest, even if it has no bearing on the story itself, nor has anything whatsoever to do with the original plot.

*A quick shot of Dumplin the dwarf, who says: "But I thought I was the contractually obligatory Hollywood love-interest!"*

Bilbo: I see...

Bawdy: Yes, and I've practiced my forlorn, teary-eyed face all weekend for when you depart on your silly adventure. See?

*Bawdy makes a forlorn, teary-eyed face*

Bilbo: Yes, of course. Nicely done.

Bawdy: Thank you. One can almost sense me pining, can't one?

Bilbo: Right.

Bawdy: Would you like to see the winsome, sultry face I'll be doing for the flashback sequences?

Bilbo: No, that won't be necessary. Look, who did you say you were again?

Bawdy: I am Bawdy Brandybuck, your cousin twice-removed on your mother's side, and thrice removed on your father's. I guess you could say I have a little of you in me at both ends. [smiles wistfully]

Bilbo: [mouth agape] Right.

Bawdy: Oh dear, I had almost forgotten, Gandalf left you a letter...

*Bilbo snatches the letter and quickly rips it open*

Gandalf: My Dearest Bilbo: By now you will have realized that last night was not, in fact, a dream, but rather the beginning of a long, hard road...

*Bawdy tossles Bilbo's hair*

Gandalf: We shall endeavor to throttle the serpent with both hands...

*Bawdy caresses Bilbo's leg and gives him a peck on the cheek*

Gandalf: We must come at him with everything we've got...

*Bawdy kisses Bilbo's neck*

Gandalf: We shall not finish until the deed is done...

*Bilbo reaches over to kiss Bawdy*

Gandalf: BILBO! ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION?

*Bilbo snaps out of his reverie and continues reading*

Gandalf: Now, you are already late, it's almost noon and the dwarves and I have already started our march. You must leave immediately!

Bilbo: Drat!

Gandalf: AND NO BACK TALK!

*Bilbo sighs, pushes Bawdy aside and hurriedly starts dressing*

Bawdy: [distressed] But, but you can't go yet...we haven't...haven't...

Bilbo: [distractedly, as he pulled on his breeches] Haven't what?

Bawdy: We haven't...bumped uglies.

Bilbo: [Still distracted] Well, I'm sorry, m'dear, I've no time for bumping uglies or bumping anything else for that matter. Gandalf is a wizard, after all, and he's far too dangerous when he is angered. Now, goodbye my dear, I must run!

Bawdy: BILBO! [Gives her best forlorn, teary-eyed face]

*Bilbo runs out the door without so much as a good-bye*

Bawdy: Blimey! Well, if that don't beat all!

*Bawdy lays back in the bed and sighs*

Bawdy: Alright Gaffer, you can come out now.

*Gaffer Gamgee jumps out of a wardrobe and falls into the waiting arms of Bawdy*

Narrator: And so Bilbo has run off on his adventure, leaving poor Bawdy Brandybuck...errrr...pining in the bedchamber. As Biblo runs panting along the road, he realizes that in his haste to be away, he has left many important items behind, essentials that he is never without when off on a journey: his walking stick, his handkerchiefs, his handy shaving kit with travel toothbrush and nose-hair tweakers. But worst of all...he has forgotten to bump uglies!

Bilbo: ARRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!