Let's not cast the Silmarillion

[Nerwen]

So. We've all seen the "Let's Cast The Silmarillion" thread over in the Movies section?

As an antidote to this blind faith in Hollywood, here's your chance to nominate the NIGHTMARE Silmarillion cast!

Rules:

The nominee need not be untalented per se, just someone who would, in that particular role, turn the film into a hideous travesty that would be mocked on geeky websites for decades to come. (Straight-out terrible actors are also very welcome.)

The nominee must be somebody who could, at least conceivably, be given the part. (i.e. no Will Smith as Idril.)

You may, briefly, explain just why you feel the artist in question would be so (un)suitable for the role.

Director: Either Quentin Tarantino or Spike Lee. (Nominated by Morthoron.)

[Lush]

Director: Uwe Boll. To cover all the lands in a second darkness.

[Nerwen]

Originally Posted by Lush

Director: Uwe Boll. To cover all the lands in a second darkness.

Definitely worth considering.

Now the actors.

I think the number one question here is– what role should we give Keanu Reeves? He'd bring a special something to almost any part– but which would make the best use of his unique "talent"?

[Nerwen]

Beleg Cúthalion: Orlando Bloom, reprising his role as Legolas. It'll keep the fangurls happy. Well, until he kicks the bucket, anyway.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Turin - Tom Baker (He's far too jolly for such a role) Although I would like to see him proposing to Niënor by saying, "Would you like a Jelly Baby?"

Mim - Christopher Eccleston (a Northern Dwarf would be funny, though)

Morgoth - Sylvester McCoy (I just can't imagine Morgoth with a Scottish accent. Again, he's far too jolly for the role)

Feanor - Patric Troughton (Erm... Let's pretend he's not dead. He was always hyper active, happy and dressed like a tramp. However, he could play an angry character and had spells of Feanor-type arrogance "You'll regret it if you kill me! I'm a genius!")

Glaurung (voice) - John Pertwee (As much as I would LOVE to head a Dragon speak so politely and like an English Gentleman, I suspect it would distract from the character's desired effect)

Beren - Anthony Ainley (Although, at his peak, he was a talented and diverse actor (the Master's many disguises being a good example), this is one role I don't think he'd suit. Although, the scene with Carcharoth may be amusing, "I have a Silmarill! I am Beren and YOU WILL OBEY ME!")

Elwing - Elisabeth Sladen (I some how can't see her turning into a bird so readily )

That's all I can think of right now...

[Rune Son of Bjarne]

Thingol - Robert De Niro (Like in stardust he would be totaly misplaced, without it being his own fault. The acting would probably be good, but somehow unintentionally funny)

Gothmog - Sean Connery (Imagine Sean Connery cloacked in smoke and fire, wielding a whip. . . .simply too Indiana Jonesish)

[Nerwen]

I think I've answered my own question.

Beren: Keanu Reeves.

Sample dialogue:

Keanu Reeves (typical wooden delivery): Here is a fire that shall consume you, and all evil things.

CGI Carcharoth: Chomp.

Keanu (gazing at stump of right hand): Whoa.

Not to mention the depth of feeling he'd bring to the scenes with Lúthien...

[Mithalwen]

Only problem is that I hate Beren and Luthien so much that I really think Keanu would be perfect .... with some irritating and stupid brunette as the canary....

[Rune Son of Bjarne]

Maybe Keanu should play Maedhros instead?

[Morthoron]

How about an all-Italian dwarvish contingent: Al Pacino, Joe Pesci and Danny Devito? The Brooklyn accents would heighten the drama.

[Nerwen]

Originally Posted by Rune Son of Bjarne

Maybe Keanu should play Maedhros instead?

No, no, he has to be able to display his "talent" for "romance". (See the Matrix trilogy for some fine examples.)

Besides, while unlike Mith I like Beren and Lúthien, I do think Keanu is right for the part in some kind of terribly wrong way, if you see what I mean... (Okay, you probably don't.)

Originally Posted by Morthoron

How about an all-Italian dwarvish contingent: Al Pacino, Joe Pesci and Danny Devito? The Brooklyn accents would heighten the drama.

As well as providing the obligatory Dwarvish comic relief!

WANTED: Irritating and stupid brunette actress to play Lúthien. Singing talent optional.

Suggestions?

[Eomer of the Rohirrim]

Tyra Banks.

[Oddwen]

Kiera Knightley!

I wish to nominate Hayden Christiansen for the part of Feanor - and as his seven sons, all of them should be played by James Franco. Because a regular movie-goer wouldn't be able to tell them apart anyway. And also, 'twould be painfully amusing to watch such a wooden family. "Inner Fire" indeed.

[Nerwen]

Originally Posted by Oddwen

I wish to nominate Hayden Christiansen for the part of Feanor.

Oddwen– are you a mind-reader? I was just about to suggest that!

[Mithalwen]

Oh yes Keanu and Keira would be perfectly cast as the gruesome twosome.

Not that I particularly dislike them, in fact compared to how I feel about B&L , I would be a fan, I just think that they are overrated - but good luck to anyone who can make a little talent go such a long way.

How about Paris Hilton as Nienor?

[Mithalwen]

Originally Posted by Morthoron

How about an all-Italian dwarvish contingent: Al Pacino, Joe Pesci and Danny Devito? The Brooklyn accents would heighten the drama.

I'd say add Anthony La Paglia, even though I really like him, I cna't quite see him in the Sil...

And another overrated actress, Kate Witless as Finduilas because little would give me more pleasure than to see her skewered to a tree. There is a reason why the best parts for English women tend to go to Blanchett, Paltrow or Zellweger

[Ibrîniðilpathânezel]

Two people I've always felt fall squarely in the "wooden acting" category are Uma Thurman and Nicholas Cage. I'd be hard pressed to find a sufficiently wooden role for either of them, though (particularly given that Cage's face always makes me think of a sad beagle...)

[Lalaith]

Beren: Keanu Reeves.

Actually, there is definitely a place in Tolkien for a wooden but pretty matinee idol type. So I am rather liking this concept of Keanu as Beren.
And Orlando would make a lovely Tuor. Ah.

Here is my Nightmare on Middle Earth Sil cast list:
Nicholas Cage as Feanor.
Michael Douglas as Manwe.
Jim Carrey as Hurin.

[Nerwen]

I'd completely forgotten Nicholas Cage! How could I?

[Morthoron]

Woody Allen as Morgoth. Somehow, the thought of the evil supreme being as a hypochondriacal, neurotic Jewish nebbish cracks me up.

[Beregond]

Oooh, great idea for a fun thread.

Let us see...


Turin: Keanu Reaves

Finduilas: Jessica Alba

Melian: Cameron Diaz

Barahir: Harrison Ford

Beren: Justin Timberlake (beat that! )

Luthien: Angelina Jolie

Feanor: Hugh Jackman or Gerard Butler

Maglor: Ewan MacGregor

And of course,

Mim: Jack Black

[Diamond18]

All this talk about wooden acting forces me to comment:

We are talking about The Silmarillion, yes?

...do I really have to say it? Okay I will. The Silmarillion is all about the woodenness. All these "stoic" actors would be absolutely perfect for such a book.



I was all ready to jump around screaming "Keira Knightley!" but then Oddwen stole my thunder.

I must now go pout.

Okay, I'm back.

I think Richard Dreyfuss should play Eru and we could rename the story "Mr. Iluvatar's Opus."

Also, Johnny Depp should play Beren, as this would provide him a wonderful opportunity to play yet another character with "hand" in his surname.

Hayden Christiensen really needs to play Turin Turambar. Not Feanor. Come on, think about it! It would be "perfect."

[Ibrîniðilpathânezel]

I suppose one could always wander from the realm of wooden to the absurd, and cast Jim Carrey as Namo. That would be one VERY strange pronouncement of the Doom of the Noldor...

[TheGreatElvenWarrior]

We totally need to cast Jim Carrey in the Sil, he would totally ruin it!

[Oddwen]

As I was going to work today I nearly shouted "Tom Hanks as Tulkas!" D:

Oddwen– are you a mind-reader? I was just about to suggest that!

Curses, my secret is out. *twiddles moustache*

Here is my Nightmare on Middle Earth Sil cast list:
Nicholas Cage as Feanor.

That would be even scarier than Haaaaay-den. Because with Nicolas Cage, he would read all kinds of things into the character of Feanor, and you can tell from his performance that he thinks that he improved on the existing character. Mwa ha ha.

Hayden Christiensen really needs to play Turin Turambar. Not Feanor. Come on, think about it! It would be "perfect."

Hmm, Hayden & Paris...what a horrible thought.

And with Orli as Beleg, and Jack Black as Mim? Let's cast...The Rock as Thingol, and I must agree with Cameron Diaz as Melian...that would indeed be a mess.

We can cast Dakota Fanning as the character of Lalaith. (not the Downer ), Shia LaBouf as Hurin, and Morwen...hmm, no ideas are forthcoming for her...

[Diamond18]

Yes, Shia and Dakota must be in this movie. They must be in ALL MOVIES!

Can we find a role for Abigail Breslin as well?

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

Eru Ilúvatar: Oddwen the Mad

[Mithalwen]

Morwen would have to be played by someone irredeemably upbeat and perky.

I suggest Reece Witherspoon.

[Elu Ancalime]

Paris Hilton as Melian
________
New jersey dispensaries

[Nerwen]

Not bad, but there's already been a proposal to cast her as Nienor to Haydon Christianson's Túrin.

It's so hard to decide... we don't want to waste so much talent and class...

I'd just like to say also, I give my complete approval to the revised casting of Nicholas Cage as Fëanor. Perfect!

Any ideas on voice actors for all the talking beasties?

(Visually, these will be represented by CGI effects, which will cost more than the rest of the movie combined without ever quite managing to look convincing.)

[Mithalwen]

Sean Connery as Glaurung would be spectacularly dreadful.

[Oddwen]

Can we find a role for Abigail Breslin as well?

She's getting older...she could play Elwing safely. And that means that Spencer Breslin could play her two lost brothers. We can complete that ensemble with John Goodman as Earendil.

Hayley Joel Osment should play Aule.

And words fail me when I try to express my desire to see Christopher Walken as Ungoliant.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Orcs - Dalek voices.

[Nerwen]

I've been meaning to ask you, Hookbill– – you're not just the tiniest, least bit obsessed with Dr Who, are you?

Originally Posted by Mithalwen

Sean Connery as Glaurung would be spectacularly dreadful.

Originally Posted by Oddwen

words fail me when I try to express my desire to see Christopher Walken as Ungoliant.

I forgot to mention– some bright spark of a concept artist will be sure to have the brilliant and (un)original idea of making the models look like creature-versions of the actors... (be a bit tricky with Ungoliant, though...)

[Rikae]

What, no role for Jim Carrey? I think he would be fantastic as Maedhros. Just think of the opportunities for wacky cgi-enhanced slapstick comic relief! Losing a hand, jumping into a chasm; it would be brilliant.

[Oddwen]

Originally Posted by Rick

What, no role for Jim Carrey? I think he would be fantastic as Maedhros. Just think of the opportunities for wacky cgi-enhanced slapstick comic relief! Losing a hand, jumping into a chasm; it would be brilliant.

This would open doors for casting other comedians for the other six sons...people like Steve Carell, Mike Myers and Ben Stiller. If we are also overlooking the boundaries of time, men like Chris Farley as well.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Originally Posted by Nerwen

I've been meaning to ask you, Hookbill– – you're not just the tiniest, least bit obsessed with Dr Who, are you?

Everyone knows that Tolkein rode around Middle Earth in a blue police box.

Back on track...

Thingol - Bill Bailey... I'd like to head his rendition of 'Elvish slaves in an insect nation!'

Arpharazon - Eddy Murphy... It would be... Just... Weird...

Melkor - Vivian Stanshall... There would be interesting renditions of the 'discord of Melkor' I fancy...

[Morthoron]

If you are going to have Jim Carrey in the film(s), then places must be found for Robin Williams, Billy Crystal and Whoopi Goldberg. They can all improv with each other in their wacky, Hollywoodish way. It would be sweet. *Sticks finger down his throat*

I have changed my mind about having either Quentin Tarantino or Spike Lee direct the Sil. There is only one man who can imbue the films with the type of screen magic by which all classics are judged: George Lucas...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lv4Potdpjhw

[Lindale]

Robin Williams as Finwe? (I still haven't got over Dead Poets' Society, it's been years!)

Or Morgoth! Imagine such a jolly fellow being the Lord of Darkness!!!

[TheGreatElvenWarrior]

Originally Posted by Hookbill the Goomba

Orcs - Dalek voices.

Of couse, Hookbill you could always cast Cybermen as Orcs.

But Whoopi Goldberg as Nienor and Billy Crystal as Turin, anybody?