Itaril

[xMellrynxMaidenx]

Well I say she should have been Bombur's love interest instead.

Coax him into joining weight watchers and the like...

Poor Tolkien is probably doing back flips, front flips, cartwheels and any other type of exercise you can think of, in his grave currently. I'm not against her completely, but I knew something like this would happen, given you don't see any females- save for Lobelia (sp?) I think- in the book (rather, none that Tolkien had paid specific attention to).

Knowing PJ's track record, Leggy and Itaril will be out fighting heck off hinges in the Bot5A and she'll do exactly what Galadriel said:

Better than that, during the Battle of Five Armies Itaril can leap in front of Legolas and say while she is wheezing her last wheeze, "*gasp* Some people *choke* do crazy things *snort* when they're in love."

[Galadriel55]

How about Bilbo's long lost ex-wife?

"Bilbo, honey, do bring me the Arkenstone, please. It would make me really happy. There you go! You've always been a good boy."
*makes retching noises*

[Galadriel55]

Ronan didn't sign the contract yet! She says here that she will play Itaril, but what if she changes her mind all of a sudden?

[Erendis]

Allright,we will have a kick-*** Mary Sue,Legolas in love,a disapproving Thranduil-because the bad ada-in-law is also essential-,and a single-horned goat.Splendid!

By the way,I have two additions here:
a)Aragorn in the love story causing a love triangle because Itaril has a taste for early teenagers.Legolas keeps a grudge and guess how Gollum escaped
b)Since the goat is multicoloured,she must be the pet of Saruman of Many Colours.

[TheMisfortuneTeller]

The very name of the character sounds like a synthetic drug with numerous debilitating side-effects, something like Sildenafil: a drug first developed to treat angina but, because of its unanticipated side effects, marketed instead as an oral treatment for erectile dysfunction -- notwithstanding "reports of vision loss in people taking PDE5 inhibitors" (Wikipedia).

Since Tolkien's Elves have pretty much given up on Middle-earth and haven't reproduced much in several thousand years, the whole concept of "young" elves who "fall in love" with each other (before catching the last boat to the Undying Lands) sounds too ludicrous to contemplate. Nonetheless, even the ridiculous can inspire poetic -- if not pharmacological -- possibilities. Consider:

"Elvish Erectile Dysfunction"

Itaril,
What cheesy swill:
A damsel dim and shallow.

Itaril,
Sildenafil:
Viagra for the fallow.

Itaril,
Progammed to kill,
Yet gooey as marshmallow.

Itaril,
An elf-chick thrill,
Synthetic, sick, and hollow.

Itaril,
A bitter pill,
Impossible to swallow.

Michael Murry, "The Misfortune Teller," Copyright 2011

[Galadriel55]

Welcome to the 'Downs, Misfortune Teller! Enjoy being among the dead!

Originally Posted by TheMisfortuneTeller

The very name of the character sounds like a synthetic drug with numerous debilitating side-effects, something like Sildenafil

I think her name in the books was Itarille in Quenya and Idril is Sindarin. PJ shortened the Quenya version to fit his character. Itarille sounds rather nice...

PS: I love your poem!

[Mithalwen]

Originally Posted by Galadriel55

Ronan didn't sign the contract yet! She says here that she will play Itaril, but what if she changes her mind all of a sudden?

Maybe it isn't her? I wonder if they are having second thoughts. I am not a huge fan of the films - I haven't watched the later ones all the way through since I saw them in the cinema. So I am probably very out of touch with the zeitgeist of the people who really like the films, but has anyone been enthusiastic about the Itaril role? They did change the Arwen Warrior princesss scenario. However they do have 2 films to fill now... so presumably have to make up some drivel.

Also with PJ's surgery and juggling Martin Freeman's commitment to Sherlock (26 weeks of this year!) it may be difficult to firm up the contracts of actors playing relatively peripheral characters but who maybe otherwise in demand. After all if you want the likes of Cate Blanchett to do a cameo you probably have to film it when it suits her even if you are Peter Jackson.

[TheMisfortuneTeller]

When I first got wind of this transparent travesty, I thought: "Oh, sure. And you might as well let Vicky Vale into the Bat Cave and Lois Lane into the Fortress of Solitude while you're at it." Then I remembered that someone actually did those dreadful deeds -- and made lots of money doing them. Consequently (as a form of D.I.Y. psychotherapy for literary depression), I thought of:

"Androgynous Casting Calls"

A casting call went out one day,
An actress wanted to portray
A crappy Hollywood cliché,
A role called Mary Sue:
A female elf, both fell and fey,
And young, as well, which is to say,
In love, and thus all hot to slay
Whatever troll gets in the way
Between her and her Elf Lord gay --

"Oh, what's a girl to do?"

"For if my lord loves him, not me,
Or -- even worse -- a Dwarf or tree,
What good can Kung-Fu training be
If I don't get some kissing?"

Yet few who know would disagree
That half-a-billion budgets free
Directors from Earth’s gravity.
So killer-elf-chick scenes we’ll see
With young elf lords AC/DC:
The Hobbit as some bad TV,
Discounted soon on DVD –

With only Tolkien missing.

Michael Murry, "The Misfortune Teller," Copyright 2011

[Galadriel55]

Amazing poetry!
I have one question for you, though - why be inspired by an unexisting character in the books and an unexisting one yet in the movies, just out of curiosity?

[TheMisfortuneTeller]

Originally Posted by Galadriel55

I have one question for you, though - why be inspired by an unexisting character in the books and an unexisting one yet in the movies, just out of curiosity?

First off, I would find human wisdom, compassion, and love inspiring, too -- if I could locate suitable examples. Unfortunately, I have to work with the material at hand.

Second, I continue checking on the IMDB (Internet Movie Database) website -- http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0903624/fullcredits -- where I continue to see the pseudo-role of "Itaril" associated with the name of teenage actress Saoirse Ronan. Absent any official denial, I have to take this cast listing as evidence of "existence" in the forthcoming films.

Third, I must assume -- in accordance with Murphy's Law -- that anything the film makers CAN do wrong, they WILL do wrong. As a specific example of this universal truism, I submit the recent collaboration between Peter Jackson and Saoirse Ronan that resulted in the critical and box-office turkey known as "The Lovely Skeleton" (or something like that).

Finally, apart from writing verse as a form of self-help psychotherapy, I wish to do my part in a campaign of guerrilla preemptive lampooning: one that effectively articulates the utter absurdity of including a fan-girl love-interest "warrior" into a simple story that neither needs nor can likely survive such moronic meddling. Hopefully, if enough concerned cinema consumers protest loudly and long enough, someone in a position to scrap this stupidity will come to their senses and do so. Consequently, I offer another poetic polemic, entitled:

"Implausible Cliché Scenarios"

She thought she'd live a life of dedication
To fighting in her Woodland King's defense
But found that exercise and perspiration
Brought little in the way of compensation
And left her feeling frustrated and tense.

A young Elf Lord then made his due appearance
Which caused the Lovely Skeleton to swoon
And fantasize that with some perseverance
She might obtain her king's discharge and clearance
To consummate some "love" beneath the moon.

But she had signed a contract with conditions:
Like, "No liaisons with the royalty!"
In order to avoid undue suspicions
That hanky-panky might screw up the missions,
Morale required enforced celibacy.

However, girls can dream about "romances"
With young Elf lords so eager to undress.
What talent lacks, some pulchritude enhances,
And starting near the top improves the chances
For sleeping up the ladder of success.

Then Bilbo, Gandalf, and some dwarves upended
Her dreams when they came blundering on scene.
And thus she found her reveries suspended
When duty called and greedy foes contended
For treasure guarded by a dragon mean.

She suited up for fighting then, deflated,
For as her part demanded, she must die.
The writers of the script had her created
To love a young Elf Lord she never dated
While only grinning goblins said: "Goodbye!"

So do not ask and do not tell the story
Of what transpires when elf-chicks "love" and "fight."
No cliché in the gimmick inventory,
By age and repetition rendered hoary
Can compensate with heat for lack of light.

Michael Murry, "The Misfortune Teller," Copyright 2011