The Battle of the 5+ Armies

[Inziladun]

We move to Dol Guldur where Gandalf is in a cage. Just when an orc is about to kill him, they zoom on bare female feet which I think we've seen a few times before. Galadriel picks Gandalf up and carries him some way until the Nine assault her, but lo! she is not alone! Elrond and Saruman join the fight and Galadriel brings our sleeping beauty Gandalf back to life with a kiss (a chaste one, on the forehead), and then Radagast rides in with the Rhogobel rabbits ("NO RABBITS NO!" said Nogrod, who was sitting next to me) and takes Gandalf to safety. The Nine reappear, accompanied by a fiery creature that looks very much like the outline of Sauron's armour and says that the time of the elves is over and the time of the orcs has come. Luckily we have Ring-a-dong-Galadriello! She banishes the Necromancer with very Tom Bombadilesque lines, and Saruman concludes that everything is well in the realm again. And here I thought the Three didn't reveal themselves to Sauron!

This alone made me wish your review, Legate, was actually a wicked piece of satire. I do thank you for subjecting yourself to that, and sparing me from A. Having to watch it, and B. Having to contribute to Mr. Jackson's own dragon-pile of gold for the "experience".

All this, and two other films, to cover a book that in my paperback clocks in at a paltry 365 pages, and still manages to be a great story that has stood the test of time for well over half a century.