The Barrow Downs Newspaper

[Morthoron]

LETTER TO THE EDITOR

To the person and/or persons dubiously titled 'Editor' and/or 'Editorial Staff':

It is rare that I appear on these pages as myself. I usually write op/ed pieces as some lunatic persona with a clever pseudonym lampooning a tabloid that in itself is a satire of any number of exploitative rags disregarding truth and ethics in the wacky world of the prurient press; however, your front-page blurb 'Phantom Criticized For Mithalwen Article' has gone beyond the pale (and beyond pale in a BD sense is quite ashen). To say that I have been misquoted is an understatement. Let's break down the statements you purport to be mine, as opposed to what I actually said:

First, you claim I said, "What he's doing is an insult to true journalism."

Yet, what I actually stated is as follows (with your out-of-context edits in bold, underlined print):

What an extraordinary article by The Phantom! He's offered a brief but poignant biography of Mithalwen, doing so in an unbiased and colorful manner. It is an undeniable treat to have read such an offering from a newspaper that usually stoops to insult and innuendo. I am gratified to heap honors upon Phantom, and the steps The Downer is making to become the epitome of true journalism.

And then to make matters worse, you claim I said, "A newspaper is supposed to be used for the purpose of reporting, not winking at your friends."

Again, my actual statement, which concerned my new puppy and had nothing to do with the article at all, is as follows (with your out-of-context edits in bold, underlined print):

In house-breaking a puppy, I find soiled newspaper (from the area within the house where the dog is supposed to be paper-trained) is excellent for the purpose of guiding the puppy to doing his duty out-of-doors (if anyone else is involved in training of the puppy, make sure he or she is reporting the progress of the pup -- consistency is important!). When the puppy is ready to advance from paper-training, just take the soiled newspaper outside to a specified area and place the puppy adjacent to the paper, and the scent usually does the rest. But be warned: house-breaking is a serious business, and should not be taken lightheartedly with much winking and nodding. Dogs, even immature puppies, look at your behavior and behave in lke manner. You must be a dog's master before you can be friends.

I find the inept and libelous methods with which you manage to warp the truth to be mind-bogglingly addled, and, truth to tell, utterly unnecessary, particularly since I insult your paper on a regular basis without any need for redaction, blue penciling, deletions, insertions, abridging, abbreviating or edits of any sort.

Sincerely,
Morthoron the Dark Elf
Nan Elmoth, Doriath

[Estelyn Telcontar]

Concerned as I am for the welfare of Downs members, I have thought of a solution that could help Greenie to achieve her usual colour: if we find someone with jaundice to infect her, the combination of yellow with her blues ought to bring the desired results.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Originally Posted by Morthoron

LETTER TO THE EDITOR

To the person and/or persons dubiously titled 'Editor' and/or 'Editorial Staff':

...

Sincerely,
Morthoron the Dark Elf
Nan Elmoth, Doriath

Dear Morthoron,

Do you think you are the first person we have done this to? Indeed, there is a helpline and everything! Please Contact The Saucepan Man for more details.

Yours,
The Bed Eater

[Morai]

In house-breaking a puppy, I find soiled newspaper (from the area within the house where the dog is supposed to be paper-trained) is excellent for the purpose of guiding the puppy to doing his duty out-of-doors (if anyone else is involved in training of the puppy, make sure he or she is reporting the progress of the pup -- consistency is important!). When the puppy is ready to advance from paper-training, just take the soiled newspaper outside to a specified area and place the puppy adjacent to the paper, and the scent usually does the rest. But be warned: house-breaking is a serious business, and should not be taken lightheartedly with much winking and nodding. Dogs, even immature puppies, look at your behavior and behave in lke manner. You must be a dog's master before you can be friends.

Hm....perhaps the article was too long. That is some major "editing" though. I suppose it comes with the job title. The Editor simply outdid himself.

[TheGreatElvenWarrior]

He he! This is all rubbish! This newspaper! I've really got nothing to say, but I liked it. Let's have another next week! PLEEASE!

[Formendacil]

Originally Posted by Hookbill the Goomba

Dear Morthoron,

Do you think you are the first person we have done this to? Indeed, there is a helpline and everything! Please Contact The Saucepan Man for more details.

Yours,
The Bed Eater

Of course, I hope you realise that the editors occasionally mess up and do this to the outgoing mail as well as the incoming...

Dear Morthoron,

Do you think you are the king of Gondor? Really sir, we must protest, as I have it on good authority that Legate of Amon Lanc has a claim to this title, and as the first person we have heard this from, his must be the superior claim in our eyes.

Since you are not the king of Gondor it is clear that you must be a hatter, and clearly on your way to insanity. What have we done to earn your ire? I assure you, we should really like to know this, in order to publish it. News is hard to come by, right? Indeed, there is talk of setting up a helpline for us and everything! Please Contact The Saucepan Man for more details about your irrational hatred, so that we can get a story of him chasing you off his lawn.

Yours,
The Best Mud Eater



Oh dear! It is too much fun messing with people's mail like this!

[Durelin]

To the Editorial Staff of The Downer periodical,

We of the Canine Protection and Unification Group would first like to say that we hope it is not to presumptuous to assume that an “editorial staff” does indeed exist for The Downer publication. We also apologize for any insult that may have been caused by our greeting if you are still posing as a “newspaper”, and thus a reliable source of news.

As for our purpose for writing, it has come to the CPUG’s attention that The Downer not only regularly displays but also promotes the oppression of animals, particularly our canine friends. In your most recent publication, you belittle the canis genus to the extreme. Whether or not a being smells or is burnt has nothing to do whatsoever with that being being a useful member of society deserving respect.

We are happy to see that you are taking steps in a good direction by allowing the voice of the equine minority to be heard, but it seems there is still a long way to go for our canine brothers and sisters.

We hope that in the future you will be more thoughtful in your treatment of man’s best friend. We also hope that you may begin on a program to recovery and redemption by picking up a copy of CPUG’s own publication, Canine Living. In this week’s edition, we specifically suggest the article “Doo on the Grass: It’s Good for the Environment and Okay for You”.

Respectfully,
The Canine Protection and Unification Group

[Hookbill the Goomba]

THE DOWNER EDITORIAL STAFF:



It makes all the decisions.

In response to the above criticisms;

Dead dogs are, according to our research, funnier than being shot through the lungs. So unless you wish to be shot through the lungs, kindly refrain from troubling Mr Stafferson with such complaints. He has a lot on his mind as his wife has just left him and his nine children have all become pencils.

Yours,
The Editorial Staff's assistant,
Sir Henry Rawlinson.

[Durelin]

Yay violence!™

[Lalwendë]

Dear Editor,

Has it ever struck you as deeply ironic that all these 'letters in green ink' you receive from friendly crackpots are actually written in green ink?

Yours

Maddus McMad of Madchester.