Monty Python's "There and Back Again"

[Morthoron]

The March of the Naugrim of Ered Luin (In D minor...well...actually it's in C, but D minor is a more melancholy note and more appropriate for the basso and baritone voices of the Dwarves; unfortunately, marches of this sort require the diatonic scale and a major chord for the horns and such...)

Narrator: Ahem...

(Oh yes, sorry...without further ado, The March of the Naugrim of Ered Luin, which I patterned off the works of John Phillip Sousa, who is American, I know, but who derived much of his material from English influences....)

Narrator: GET ON WITH IT!

(Yes, certainly...bugger)

BUM-BUM-BUM, BA-BA-BA-BUM-BUM-BUM, BUM-BUM-BUM, BA-BA-BA-BUM-BUM-BUM...

We are the dwarves -- of Thorin's band
Our greedy thoughts now often linger
On the gleam of our gold -- in a far-away land
That slipped right through our stubby fingers
But it weren't our fault -- no, not the least
With Smaug in our vaults -- such a fiery beast
We swallowed our pride and started to run
As he burnt all our kin to kingdom come (repeated by Balin the dwarf in baritone: burnt all our kin to kingdom come)

BUM-BUM-BUM, BA-BA-BA-BUM-BUM-BUM, BUM-BUM-BUM, BA-BA-BA-BUM-BUM-BUM

We are the dwarves -- off to Erebor
We are fierce and full of chutzpah
We are the dwarves -- we're three times four (Dumplin: plus me!)
And our names come from the Völuspá
We shall not cease --nor raise a flagon
'Till we’re either deceased -- or kill the dragon
Then count up the swag when the job is done
And get so sloshed that our beards go numb (repeated by Bombur the dwarf in basso: get so sloshed that our beards go numb)

BUM-BUM-BUM, BA-BA-BA-BUM-BUM-BUM, BUM-BUM-BUM, BA-BA-BA-BUM-BUM-BUM

We are the dwarves -- all revenge and desire
We may be short but we're not lagging
We are the dwarves -- and we're in the Shire
To find a burglar the name of Baggins
And by Gandalf's request -- we'll take him for hire
To join in our quest -- If the blighter desires
He’ll get his share when the deed is done
Under contract for a percentage sum (repeated by Dumplin the dwarf in falsetto: dear little Bilbo with the nice tight bum)

*Brief pause to regroup*

BUM-BUM-BUM, BA-BA-BA-BUM-BUM-BUM...

Under contract for a percentage sum...

BUM-BUM-BUM, BA-BA-BA-BUM-BUM-BUM...

Under contract for a percentage s-u-u-u-u-u-m-m-m-m!

Narrator: Very nicely done!

(You don't think the mention of the Völuspá -- an Icelandic Poetic Edda composed by Snorri Sturluson, circa 1220 A.D. -- is too esoteric a reference for our viewing audience?)

Narrator: Not at all; in fact, I'm sure no one is even paying attention to the lyrics. It's the flashy special effects and the buckets of blood and gore they'll be looking for.

(Oh...alright then)

[Morthoron]

In regards to the casting of an epic of such pythonesque proportions, whom do you think would play the roles from the Hobbit? Obviously, the Python crew is getting on in age (with one cast member sadly deceased), but let's suppose they did a Hobbit send-up right after their Holy Grail send-up. In keeping with Python's flare for multiplicity, each fellow would have several roles in the film:

Gandalf -- Graham Chapman most likely (the 'Charlton Heston' of the group); or perhaps John Cleese.

Bilbo -- Michael Palin? He has sort of that wide-eyed innocence.

Lobelia Sackville-Baggins -- A small part, but I can think of none other than Terry Jones in drag (like his role as Brian's mother) stealing Bilbo's spoons.

Thorin -- Tough one. Any suggestions?

Elrond -- John Cleese as the world-weary Master of the Last Homely House, bored to tears with all the Elvish frivolity (immortality does have its downside, after all).

The Trolls -- A stuttering, cockney Eric Idle, a mumbling Terry Gilliam and perhaps Terry Jones.

Gollum -- Terry Gilliam. No one in the group can distort his face in such a manner as to look disfigured without make-up.

Beorn -- Again, either Chapman or Cleese.

Thranduil -- An effeminate Graham Chapman bedecked in a laurel wreath of autumn leaves.

Bombur -- Well, Terry Jones played a morbidly obese diner in 'The Meaning of Life'.

The Voice of Smaug -- John Cleese? I am sure Terry Gilliam would do the animation.

Thoughts?

[Hstaphath]

Originally Posted by Morthoron

Narrator: Very nicely done!

(You don't think the mention of the Völuspá -- an Icelandic Poetic Edda composed by Snorri Sturluson, circa 1220 A.D. -- is too esoteric a reference for our viewing audience?)

Narrator: Not at all; in fact, I'm sure no one is even paying attention to the lyrics. It's the flashy special effects and the buckets of blood and gore they'll be looking for.

(Oh...alright then)

Excellent! You have my attention, at least.

[Morthoron]

Originally Posted by Hstaphath

Excellent! You have my attention, at least.

*The Dark Elf bows*

Hmmm...it seems I've stirred up the spirit of a previous Monty Python production (the Ghost of Hobbitses' Past, I guess you could say). I am glad to have...ummm...maintained your interest.

By the way, nice website you have:

http://www.xenocorp.net/H_bardCorner/xcbard.htm

[Eönwë]

Maybe you could do "The Life of Bilbo" when actaully the person who Gandalf asked for was "Milmo, the son of a Took" (or something along those lines) but he had a cold at the time.

[Morthoron]

Originally Posted by Eönwë

Maybe you could do "The Life of Bilbo" when actaully the person who Gandalf asked for was "Milmo, the son of a Took" (or something along those lines) but he had a cold at the time.

Naw, as I stated previously, I don't think doing direct lifts from Python skits is the way to go (particularly since Mr. Hstaphath has done such an admirable job of that in his version of the story). Think 'Pythonesque', not 'Montyfactual'. Consider Python themselves, they did not repeat gags from one movie to the next, but it all had a certain...a special....

[MUSIC]

FATHER: Stop that, stop that! You're not going to do a song while
I'm here. Now listen lad, in twenty minutes you're getting married to
a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain.
HERBERT: But I don't want land.
FATHER: Listen, Alex,--
HERBERT: Herbert.
FATHER: Herbert. We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we
can get.
HERBERT: But I don't like her.
FATHER: Don't like her?! What's wrong with her? She's beautiful,
she's rich, she's got huge... tracts of land.

Ummm...sorry, digressing. What were we talking about again?

[Eönwë]

The thing is Morthoron, there are is always a MOnty Python quote for every occasion.

A short post. No, thats not me!:

Me with dwarvish accent: My record is scratched
The Barrow-Wight: No no, this is a forum!
Me: Ah! My forum is scratched.

(I dare not go on)