Monty Python's "There and Back Again"

[Morthoron]

An Unexpected Party, Part III

Narrator: Gandalf, having quieted the rabble-rousing dwarves, gave the floor to the immensely important dwarf, Thorin Oakenshield, who got his nick by swatting Orcs with the branch of an oak tree, which, of course, bears little resemblance to a shield (either the round buckler variety or the more substantial medieval heater shield)...

Thorin: Ahem...

Narrator: Oh yes, please begin.

Thorin: We are gathered here on this most auspicious of occasions to discuss, debate and otherwise converse in a high-minded and grave manner regarding the pitfalls, perils and myriad dangers the journey which we shall be soon undertaking is so decidedly fraught with...

Bilbo: [whispering to Gandalf] Does he always talk like that?

Gandalf: [whispering back to Bilbo] Shhhh! It's far better than his singing!

Thorin: ...Death will be a welcomed release for many of us who choose to trod on this most hazardous adventure...

Bilbo: [whispering to Gandalf] God, I'm glad I have no part in this.

Thorin: ...And I am most grateful that our newly-hired burglar has chosen to risk his very life and limb for we dwarves in the pursuit of our lost legacy...

Bilbo: [whispering to Gandalf] Hah, what idiot would go and risk his life for a bunch of flea-bitten dwarves?

Thorin: And so, my good dwarves, three cheers for Mr. Bilbo Baggins!

Bilbo: Wha?

Dwarves: HUZZAH! HUZZAH! HUZZAH!

Bilbo: I beg your pardon, but...

Thorin: And now I believe it's time for a song!

Gandalf: Oh no, not another song!

Thorin: [Blows a pitch pipe, but hums off-key] Ahem, excuse me...

*Thorin begins singing in a deep, rich tone*

In caverns deep in days of old
We built our keeps of solid gold
Labor was cheap, we bought and sold
With laissez-faire our motto

The market trade went up and down
But we got paid in golden crowns
The arms we made gained high renown
And booty filled our grottoes

Never hunted deer or herded sheep
We had kegs of beer and slabs of meat
Men supplied near all we could eat
And Hobbits sent po-ta-toes

But in every dwarf’s life a little rain must fall
And that is why it does us well to recall…

Hit it…

*The dwarves break out saxes, trumpets, trombones, tubas, banjos and harmonicas seemingly from thin air and start playing a swing-blues number*

This here’s the story ‘bout Smaug the Deathless
His breath so fiery it’d leave you breathless
He was the meanest old dragon spawn
And he burnt up the dwarves until we was gone

Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho (Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho)
Us dwarves are sho’ 'nuf' po' (Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho)
Oh-Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho
It’s off to work we go (Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho)

He went and ‘et up the King under the mountain
He’s gone and defiled our drinking fountains
He drove us dwarves so far, far away
We sing the Lonely Mountain Blues till this very day

Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho (Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho)
Us dwarves are sho’ ‘nuf po’ (Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho)
Oh-Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho
So it’s off to work we go (Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho)

Now we is exiled, and wherever we roam
We aint got no hearth, we aint got no home
Now we’s off on our journey ‘ere the break of day
To find that buggerin’ old Smaug and make him pay

Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho (Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho)
Us dwarves are sho’ ‘nuf po’ (Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho)
Oh-Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho
So it’s off to work we go (Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho)

Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho (Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho)
It’s off to work we go (Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho)
Oh-Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho
Us dwarves are sho’ ‘nuf po’
Sho’ ‘nuf
Sho’ ‘nuf
Sho’ ‘nuf po’