The Barrow Downs Newspaper

[Kath]

But Y isn't a vowel ... or am I missing an obvious joke here? :confused:

[Legate of Amon Lanc]

But Y isn't a vowel ... or am I missing an obvious joke here? :confused:

Depends on in which language (you silly English-speakers! :p ;) ).

[Hookbill the Goomba]

I'm just glad that you've been distracted from the truly unforgivable atrocities Alien has obviously been involved with. ;)

And now the Weather:

Rain.

[Kath]

Depends on in which language (you silly English-speakers!)
Hey if you didn't double up all your letters you wouldn't need extra ones. :p

[Legate of Amon Lanc]

Hey if you didn't double up all your letters you wouldn't need extra ones. :p

Hey, that's not us who doubles the letters - that's the Finns! *points finger*

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Either write an article about vowels and linguistics, or face the fury of Chat sqururlulrlrs or however you spell it.

A new activity for the newspaper:
I'll begin a story, and anyone can finish it off, if you so wish. Someone could also provide a picture if they so wish.

Police remove Skin in bid to stop crime.

In local news, it has been announced that several residents of The Barrow downs have had their skin confiscated by police. DCI Lalwende of the Yard expressed concern at the latest move by Scottish Yard, saying, "ever since skin was reclassified as a class A drug, davem hasn't stopped buying it."

More on this story as it unfolds. Or rather, as anyone wishes to add to it...

[Folwren]

And now the Weather:

Rain.

Ice and snow, you incompetent weather man! "Rain" says he!

[TheGreatElvenWarrior]

Police remove Skin in bid to stop crime.

In local news, it has been announced that several residents of The Barrow downs have had their skin confiscated by police. DCI Lalwende of the Yard expressed concern at the latest move by Scottish Yard, saying, "ever since skin was reclassified as a class A drug, davem hasn't stopped buying it."

While she said this, her skin was stolen from her and she ran off. Everyone on the Downs has been incredibly angry because of this. We interviewed one Wight, Laurinque she said "I like Pie!"...

[Oddwen]

Police remove Skin in bid to stop crime.

In local news, it has been announced that several residents of The Barrow downs have had their skin confiscated by police. DCI Lalwende of the Yard expressed concern at the latest move by Scottish Yard, saying, "ever since skin was reclassified as a class A drug, davem hasn't stopped buying it."

While she said this, her skin was stolen from her and she ran off. Everyone on the Downs has been incredibly angry because of this. We interviewed one Wight, Laurinque she said "I like Pie!"...

However, an interview with the pie's family reveals the sordid truth about Laurinque - she is in fact a maniac pie murderer.
"I want my daddy," sobbed a little pieling, as her mother tried to explain why her daddy was never coming home.

[TheGreatElvenWarrior]

Police remove Skin in bid to stop crime.

In local news, it has been announced that several residents of The Barrow downs have had their skin confiscated by police. DCI Lalwende of the Yard expressed concern at the latest move by Scottish Yard, saying, "ever since skin was reclassified as a class A drug, davem hasn't stopped buying it."



While she said this, her skin was stolen from her and she ran off. Everyone on the Downs has been incredibly angry because of this. We interviewed one Wight, Laurinque she said "I like Pie!"...

However, an interview with the pie's family reveals the sordid truth about Laurinque - she is in fact a maniac pie murderer.
"I want my daddy," sobbed a little pieling, as her mother tried to explain why her daddy was never coming home.
Since then, nobody has wanted skin, but now we have a bigger problem. They want pie! So the BWH needed to stop this madness by eating all of the pies on the Downs himself.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

This week, Folwren (with help from Finduilas, I think) wrote the second story.

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i291/JoelCornah/Week086-1.jpg
Alternate version (http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i291/JoelCornah/Week086.jpg):

Due to an impending court case, The Phantom and Alien can't be with us this week. So, all the way from Fugrolshenslarviar, we have the most popular comic strip in Eastern Griodira: Fungoltch and Shcmurt...

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i291/JoelCornah/FungoltchandShcmurt.jpg

[Estelyn Telcontar]

My copy of the paper was delivered without the 470-page arts and crafts insert :( - can I order that separately?

[Hookbill the Goomba]

My copy of the paper was delivered without the 470-page arts and crafts insert :( - can I order that separately?

Well, you will have to pay for the truck needed to deliver it. Given that each page is nine inches thick, the full insert requires several lorry loads to deliver. It will cost you 470 Notes.

[Thinlómien]

I don't think I like Fungoltch and Shcmurt... :eek:

;)

Seriously, that was a very funny one. :D

[Volo]

Seriously, that was a very funny one. :D

The best since 1947, to be precise. :D:D But I do hope that we'll not get too much of Fungoltch and Shcmurt in the future.

[Groin Redbeard]

Yum! That Tornado Sandwich looks good!:D

Is Fungoltch related to the phantom?

[TheGreatElvenWarrior]

I don't think I like Fungoltch and Shcmurt... :eek:

;)

Seriously, that was a very funny one. :DI can't even figure out what they said... poor me who is only fluent in English and can speak a few words in Russian, German, and Spanish.

[THE Ka]

As is always said, 'once you loose your reputation you can live more freely'...

Well, that is as long as you avoid people in general I guess.

That tornado does look nice, minus the mysterious cheese inside, mozzarella?:confused:

It looks a lot better than any torando I've been in, those were mostly hot air, pieces of homes, dust, rocks, tree, and random articles of clothing. :rolleyes:

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Is Fungoltch related to the phantom?

No, but Shcmurt is. :eek:

One of those occasions where, in absence of jokes, one goes for the bizarre. :D

A New version of the paper is up, by the way. Folwren's picture has been included. The Sandwich was a temporary measure.

[THE Ka]

The Sandwich was a temporary measure.

Awwwh. :(

~ Ka

[Eönwë]

Should I be worried that this is the best motivation for me to go to Oxonmoot?

This is balsphemy! This is madness!

[Groin Redbeard]

This is balsphemy! This is madness!

This is the Downer!

[Laurinquë]

However, an interview with the pie's family reveals the sordid truth about Laurinque - she is in fact a maniac pie murderer.
"I want my daddy," sobbed a little pieling, as her mother tried to explain why her daddy was never coming home.

The things that go on here when I don't visit:rolleyes:......And in regards to the pie incident, her father was blueberry, and delicious, as was that tornado sandwich. :D

Also, might I ask what langauge Fungoltch und Shcmurt is in? I feel ignorant. :(

[Aganzir]

Also, might I ask what langauge Fungoltch und Shcmurt is in? I feel ignorant. :(
I know a little Gibberish, and I must say it looks quite like that.

;)

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Also, might I ask what langauge Fungoltch und Shcmurt is in? I feel ignorant. :(

Nonsenseish. :p

I originally entitled it 'Fungoltch and The Shcmurt' to make it more opposite to 'The Phantom and Alien'. :D

[Mithalwen]

Ice and snow, you incompetent weather man! "Rain" says he!

He's in England...it always rains in England. Everyone knows that ....

and y is a semi-vowel.

[Kath]

and y is a semi-vowel.
Sure, when you want pretty looking words like rhythm. Having an i in there would look so wrong.

I just want to know what this court case is that's stopping us getting our Phantom and Alien!

[Hookbill the Goomba]

It's time for some SHOCKING news...

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i291/JoelCornah/Week087.jpg

This week, The Phantom and Alien return!! :eek:

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i291/JoelCornah/PandA081.jpg

[Rikae]

For Laurinquë and TheGreatElvenWarrior --
Fungoltch and Shcmurt are speaking "high middle mispelled Dinglish" and are saying:

Fungoltch: Frog, you're crappy!
Shcmurt: Lost grams.
Fungultch: Where did you put the semi-rotten wood? The door list is gone!
Shcmurt: Fun dagger?
Fungoltch: Mulch.
Shcmurt: Must dig grave?

[Bêthberry]

It is possible that photo op shows Cheif Insectpor davem was merely attempting to imitate his new son's awesome achievements in regurgitation but failing miserably in the projectile category. However, other interested readers of The Downer might recall that green blood suggests two other possibilities: either C.I. davem is ingesting large quantities of anti-migraine drugs (aka not-so-cheap over the counter drugs) OR he all along has been hiding from us his Vulcan heritage.

I think this definitely allows for Downer journalists to investigate this situation. We could have the reknown expert Dr. Spock here amidst us--why, even Michael Martinez would be jealous of such expert presence.

[Gwathagor]

For Laurinquë and TheGreatElvenWarrior --
Fungoltch and Schmurt are speaking "high middle mispelled Dinglish" and are saying:

Fungoltch: Frog, you're crappy!
Schmurt: Lost grams.
Fungultch: Where did you put the semi-rotten wood? The door list is gone!
Schmurt: Fun dagger?
Fungoltch: Mulch.
Schmurt: Must dig grave?

HAAAAAAAAAA!:eek::D

[Lalwendë]

(he's gonna kill me when he sees that, teee-heee! :D)

Maybe he's just been eating my cooking?

Or it could be that he has been chewing his biro. Not that, for one moment, I'd suggest he is a pedant and writes letters in green ink: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Green_ink ;)

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Wait... I'm absolutely SURE I posted the paper this morning... seems to have vanished... I'll post it again...

Special thanks to the phantom for the second story and the min-heads.

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i291/JoelCornah/Week088.jpg

Alien's dark side starts to show... again...

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i291/JoelCornah/PandA082.jpg

I hope that it vanished because of the forum problems and not because it was inappropriate or anything.

[Legate of Amon Lanc]

Oh, how rude! This time they surely overdone it!

And by the way, I don't think I wish I had Indiana Jones' hat. If more people say that, I think we are going to get the picture of who the Downers who want it are by ellimination method :)

[TheGreatElvenWarrior]

I didn't know that the Downer is made by an "Evil Genius"

[Meneltarmacil]

And by the way, I don't think I wish I had Indiana Jones' hat. If more people say that, I think we are going to get the picture of who the Downers who want it are by ellimination method
I thought Fordim Hedgethistle already had it.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

I didn't know that the Downer is made by an "Evil Genius"

Anyone who has read the first edition of The Downer (http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i291/JoelCornah/News/Week001.jpg)will know that an evil genius was involved in some way. ;)

[Legate of Amon Lanc]

I thought Fordim Hedgethistle already had it.

That only means that he is NOT counted among those who'd wish they have it; as he already HAS it. So another one apart from me who belongs to the 24%.

Provided, that the Downers together make just 100%. It may be as well possible that it's more... :D :eek: :smokin:

[THE Ka]

I don't want his hat either. I'm more of a phrygian myself. :p

If Gil killed Davem (again), then what is with Davem's mass production? I'm beginning to suspect that not all of the items on fire and display by Gil are roadkill.


~ Curious Ka

[McCaber]

I want the Indiana Jones hat. Even though I don't look good in hats at all.

[TheGreatElvenWarrior]

Anyone who has read the first edition of The Downer (http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i291/JoelCornah/News/Week001.jpg)will know that an evil genius was involved in some way. ;)Oh, that evil genius... I thought the paper was talking about you, Hookbill.:p;)

[Laurinquë]

I am very much hoping that that sign behind Gil is photoshopped....And if it is how did you do it? I am trying to photoshop this sign into saying "Welcome to Mordor" but cannot quite pull it off.

By the way I find the sideline comment of "Man falls in toxic waste, devlops super-power "I can die incredibly fast!" very charming, and yes I mean it.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

I am very much hoping that that sign behind Gil is photoshopped....And if it is how did you do it? I am trying to photoshop this sign into saying "Welcome to Mordor" but cannot quite pull it off.

No, for once, this was a sign I didn't touch. I was going to make one saying 'burning children' or some such, but when I found that picture on Google I felt it needed nothing more adding. :D

But if you need a sign like that...

http://i31.tinypic.com/155292f.jpg

Yours courtesy of 'Hookbill's hastily cobbled together photoshop pictures'

[Formendacil]

No, for once, this was a sign I didn't touch. I was going to make one saying 'burning children' or some such, but when I found that picture on Google I felt it needed nothing more adding. :D

But if you need a sign like that...

http://i31.tinypic.com/155292f.jpg

Yours courtesy of 'Hookbill's hastily cobbled together photoshop pictures'

I'm really spooked: that terrain looks a lot like the prairie-r parts of Canada--my home turf. Does this mean I'm stuck here? Is this why I've never met another 'Downer?

For the record, I am definitely among the 76% of 'Downers that wishes they had an Indiana Jones hat. Fedoras are simply the coolest headgear since Egyptian pharaoh headdresses.

[Morai]

Wow, the "peoples" of Mordor have greatly improved their agriculture. It must be all that lava fertilizer. :Merisu:

[Lalwendë]

I'm enjoying that League of Gentlemen/Mordor crossover ;)

davem has already got an Indiana Jones hat. So :p

[the phantom]

All right, I admit it!

I didn't actually take a poll about the Indiana Jones hat! I just assumed that nearly everyone thought the hat was cool but figured a few people already had it- thus the 76% number I pulled from the air.

I was going to go with 71% originally, but I thought I'd up it just because I think Indy rocks.

[Groin Redbeard]

Alright that does it!! I think that since Hookbill has started this obsession with Indiana Jones hats I think that it is only fair for him to buy some for us. :D At least until the 76% are satisfied.;)

[Nerwen]

Me! Me! I want an Indiana Jones hat!

Hey, I even studied archeology...;)

[Eönwë]

Indiana Jones hat for me! Yay! Hookbill, use one of your 950675 piles of gold or some of your infinite amount of "notes"

http://spyhunter007.com/Images/indiana_jones_fedora_hat.jpg

and just to prove it:

http://spyhunter007.com/Images/indiana_jones_wearing_his_hat.jpg

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Could we have a little less hat talk and a little more News talk.

If you want to, write an article about the hat controversy. By this, I do NOT mean posting a jpg of a hastily cobbled together ms paint job. Please post articles in text form. Otherwise there will be dire consequences.

[narfforc]

Any news on a new hat Hooky.....?

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Always remember; The Dower is a quality newspaper thrown together in half an hour. Except no imitations! :p

Extra special thanks to the phantom this week for some of the funniest min-heads I've seen in a while.

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i291/JoelCornah/Week089.jpg

This week, Alien gets... charitable?

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i291/JoelCornah/PandA083.jpg

[Eönwë]

Aaargh! The sheds are coming! Save yourself!

The Downer is a newspaper of highest quality. I wish all newspapers were like it.

[Meneltarmacil]

Please remind me never to let Alien anywhere near my house.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Please remind me never to let Alien anywhere near my house.

Which is more disturbing?
The fact that Alien is crushing pandas to feed babies, or the fact that there is a company somewhere manufacturing the 'Panda Crush 5,000'? :p

[Eönwë]

Aha! But it could be for crushing bamboo to feed pandas with.

[McCaber]

Spiderman would totally get crushed by a Balrog. Reasoning: Flame burns web.

[Groin Redbeard]

No, say it isn't true! I have long admired Kuruharan as an expert on all things dwarvish and now you tell me that he's an elf!:( Good one Phantom.

I'll be more careful when I enter my shed next time. Thank you Mad Man Mitch for the head up.

EDIT: Oops, I miss read the article!:o Glain is the elf not Kuruharan! *sigh of relief* That was a close one, and I blame my bad reading skills on my glasses, it must have had some sort of mirror affect that blurred my vision.;)

[Bêthberry]

Bethberry must lodge a stern, strenuous and stentorious protest against this excess of the Seventh Estate in the Fifth Age. or is it vice versa. And don't try pleading the Fifth. Or drinking a fifth either.

There is no truth whatsoever to the slanderous, malicious and hogswallow gossip that intimates she is engaged in such vile Real Estate proclivities as to attempt to rename the Barrow Downs Shediac (http://www.shediac.org/).

It was all a series of unfortunate events that began with Mr. Rhod the Red being mistaken for a lobster and invited to become a Thermidor (http://www.lobster-recipes.com/lobster-thermidor.html). No, it wasn't custard at all. Save that for elves.

[narfforc]

Last week I was abducted by aliens, now my shed has gone missing. Anyone seeing my shed should report it to the local police, take your toothbrush, as you may have to stay in a place with lots of white coats for a bit.

[Eönwë]

nafforc, does your shed happen to be made of solid gold and have the words "can't touch this" scribbled on it, because I just saw one like that flying outside my window a second ago?

[Hookbill the Goomba]

We're now 10 weeks away from the 100th issue... and I still don't have anything better to do with my time...

More thanks to the phantom for the second story and min-heads

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i291/JoelCornah/Week090.jpg

This week, Alien becomes a postman... thing.

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i291/JoelCornah/PandA084.jpg

[Eönwë]

Elvis obviously has a time machine. I mean, how did he travel back three ages!

Another excellent article printed on 100% dead trees

[Gwathagor]

Page 17 a Doctor Who reference?

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Page 17 a Doctor Who reference?

Ask the phantom, he wrote it. :D

I hope the Saucepan Man doesnt have me shot for that P&A comic. All that happened was I had the idea of Alien delivering a bomb to someone and asked one of my brothers who he should give it to, and they said SPM. NOT MY FALT! :p

[Kath]

Page 17 a Doctor Who reference?
Oh absolutely, weeping angels! So creepy.

[satansaloser2005]

Page 17 a Doctor Who reference?



Definitely. Wonderful episode, by the way. So amazing.

[Mithalwen]

Not that, for one moment, I'd suggest he is a pedant and writes letters in green ink: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Green_ink ;)

But we all write in green ink here Lal..... or at least green font... or so saqys my interpretation of colour ...Turquoise? Very David Icke..Duck egg blue? Pfft...

[the phantom]

Hate to say it, but all I know about Doctor Who is that it's some sort of sci-fi tv show. :(

So no, I actually didn't have that in mind when I wrote the headline. But it's good to see that I make interesting references that people enjoy even when I don't mean to. :D

[TheGreatElvenWarrior]

Hate to say it, but all I know about Doctor Who is that it's some sort of sci-fi tv show. :(

So no, I actually didn't have that in mind when I wrote the headline. But it's good to see that I make interesting references that people enjoy even when I don't mean to. :DI've watched Dr. Who like 12 times... there was this one really creepy episode, anyway yes Dr. Who is a Sci Fi TV show, I bet you could look it up on Wikipedia...

Anyway as I was going to say, how can 63% of people say they don't take surveys and this information comes from a survey... I am going to sue the Downer for fraudulent claims! I don't want to read a newspaper that does not give off information that is correct!

[narfforc]

I know that Elvis isn't dead because I saw him last week on my tele Live from Hawaii, I must say that he looked good and had lost lots of weight.

[Eomer of the Rohirrim]

Lies and slander! I'm not Elvis, I killed Elvis!

Eomer a pseudonym, the very thought...

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Let's take the plunge again into the weird but not so wonderful world of the Downer...

Once again, thanks to the phantom for the mini headlines...

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i291/JoelCornah/Week091.jpg

This week, PC Davem has some traffic to deal with...

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i291/JoelCornah/PandA085.jpg

[Thinlómien]

Excellent.

The Questionnaire's disease article made me laugh a lot, but the best part of it were the subheadings. For some reason, especially the Rivendell ballot one amused me. :D

And Alien seems to be up to mischief again...

[Nerwen]

For some reason, especially the Rivendell ballot one amused me. :D.

I can't imagine why...:D

My favourite sub-heading ever is that one from a while back, "Astronomers Discover Rich 15-year-old Girl Is Centre Of Universe". Reminds me of my cousin...

[Eönwë]

Another great editon of the Downer. The Barrow Downs to seem a bit British (like me), with all those "'shire"s.

PS. Does the whole trophy-pardoning thing happen to be at all connected to this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8-oGpGQ91g)?

[Rune Son of Bjarne]

I would like to see some more "thorp" thrown in there :)

[Hookbill the Goomba]

The Barrow Downs to seem a bit British (like me), with all those "'shire"s.

Well, that's the idea. ;)

There seems to have been some trouble with the printing presses today. I think some sick got clogged in the ink...

[Volo]

There seems to have been some trouble with the printing presses today. I think some sick got clogged in the ink...

Oh good, and I was already worried that my sight had improved.

[THE Ka]

Note: I've so far been required to fire my spokesperson. I didn't say, 'no comment', but 'no elucidation'.

Now I'll never be able to regain my reputation. :(

Apparently, according to this week's sub-title, the ninja-wizards of Melkor didn't go over that well with Downers?
I'm rather curious why.


~ ' no elucidation... still' Ka

[Hookbill the Goomba]

It happened again!!

And finally, thanks to the phantom for his min headlines over the last few weeks.

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i291/JoelCornah/Week092.jpg

This week, The Phantom gets his revenge!

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i291/JoelCornah/PandA086.jpg

[Thinlómien]

Somehow I knew those pictures would make it to the newspaper... anyway, great story, Hookbill. :D

[Groin Redbeard]

Another great edition of The Downer (if that can be possible);)! I see that the Phantom is becoming some sort of a co-author, or something. Keep up the great work, Hookbill, I loved the story!:D

[Legate of Amon Lanc]

Very funny! Although I liked the mini-headlines the most (and for some reason, the last one "Den of Thieves Robbed" just finished me :D )

[Oddwen]

...it is of great importance that we capture this yellow footed fellow and hang him from a balcony or something.

Hung from a gibbet for the sport of his own wasps, eh?

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Hung from a gibbet for the sport of his own wasps, eh?

I think that's what I had in mind. :D

Anyone know when the Barrow Downs' Birthday is? I think it's soon and my brother and I will probably be making another Phantom and Alien animation. :smokin:

[Estelyn Telcontar]

May 1 is the official BD birthday, Hookbill - 8 years of the Downs, and it's still dead and kicking!

[Morai]

8 years of the Downs, and it's still dead and kicking!

Eight years? :eek:That means it's been around 6 years since I joined, seems like only yesterday I was dawdling on the Novices and Newcomers forum....

I enjoyed the Phantom and the Alien, it made me snicker, and I look forward to the multi-media experience.

[Rune Son of Bjarne]

I really like "The Lonely Mountain Has No Friends"

[Hookbill the Goomba]

News for dead people.

Special thanks to Squatter for some mini headlines. :smokin:

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i291/JoelCornah/Week093.jpg

This week, The Phantom gets fed up.

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i291/JoelCornah/PandA087.jpg

[Thinlómien]

Oh no... :D:D

[Eönwë]

I wonder... How can a faded elf even hold money?

[Volo]

Wonderful! When I saw the picture I first thought "oh dear, now he wrote something very stupid" but that's great. The medal... Haha!

[Hookbill the Goomba]

The medal... Haha!

A Victoria Cross, dontchaknow! :D

...

Wait, what do you mean, "something very stupid"? It's quality journalism, sir! :p

[Groin Redbeard]

I started laughing before I even read the story. Very inciteful Hookbill, I never knew that Thinlomien and Volo are assasins, as well as animal fanatics! ;) Hail to the hero Gil-Glad.:rolleyes:

[McCaber]

I wonder... How can a faded elf even hold money?

Exactly, he has no case whatsoever. My arguments will be successful; the high court has no choice but to agree with me.

[Bêthberry]

There is no truth to the rumour that Bethberry was promoted to MP in charge of Shoes, previously Under-secretary of State Sheds, because her nom de la vie is Imelda Marcos.

Thank you.

[Lhunardawen]

There is no truth to the rumour that Bethberry was promoted to MP in charge of Shoes, previously Under-secretary of State Sheds, because her nom de la vie is Imelda Marcos.

Thank you.
Ohhhh, thank goodness! That brings me so much relief.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

As those of you who read my (rarely updated) blog may well know, I am going into the hospital a week on Wednesday for surgery and will be 'recovering' or whatever on the following day which is, alas, the Barrow Downs birthday. My brother and I will try and get the Phantom and Alien cartoon done before then, but it may well turn up late.

Moreover, the doctors say there could be 'complications' and they may have to call me back, probably on the Monday. This means I may miss posting the paper that week, (it'll be week # 095). My current line of thinking is to either post it up earlier, just in case, or to farm it out to someone (probably the phantom or someone else who has been 'involved' in the Downer) to post up for you all to read.

The bad news is that there is a chance (a very small, almost negligible, chance) that the surgery could prove fatal. I'm going to try and be about three weeks ahead at that point, so I may send whoever the three advanced weeks to keep you all in Downery goodness.

But before you crack open the champagne and party poppers, this is the absolute worse case scenario and is almost certain not to happen... Although knowing my luck... :p

[Gwathagor]

That sounds unpleasant, Hookbill. I hope it goes well and you 'recover' swiftly.

On the bright side...do you get general anesthetic? Because I was put under when I had my wisdom teeth out and it was the most fun I'd had in a long time.

Let us know what we can do to help with the Downer.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Special thanks to the phantom once again for some excellent work on the second story and the mini-headlines

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i291/JoelCornah/Week094.jpg

Alien finds some magic this week!

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i291/JoelCornah/PandA088.jpg

News on the Barrow Birthday thing...

I've given my brother the story board for another cartoon about the Phantom and Alien and he says it will be relatively easy to put together. I'm going to get the voice of Alien done before I got to hospital and hope that he puts it all together while I'm under the knife. Since the Barrow Birthday is on the Thursday when I may be 'recovering' or whatever, the cartoon may not be posted until the Friday, so I hope you peoples are okay with that. I'm hoping they let me 'recover' at home. If that is the case, then posting it won't be a problem. :D

[Eönwë]

Yum, a magical sandwich. That was probably one of my favourite P&As.

Also, good luck with the surgery.

[Brinniel]

Haha, after Lommy stuck her head in that cannon I said to her, "Now I'm sure Hookbill will come up with a lovely story to go along with that picture in the Downer."
Her response: Oh no.... :D

Oh, and a comment about one of the previous week's sub-headlines:

Pandas invented sneezing say environmentalists

I couldn't help but be reminded of this video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FzRH3iTQPrk). :)

[Nerwen]

Best wishes, Hookbill. I must say, you're being very brave about this operation-thing. The one time I had (extremely minor) surgery, I was a total wimp.

[the phantom]

Yes, best of luck, Hookbill. Tell the operators that they have to do everything perfectly. I mean- surely they understand how important The Downer is to the world. They wouldn't dare to damage its publisher/ editor/ chief writer/ lead reporter/ owner/ printer!

[the phantom]

Oh, and Nerwen- rumor has it that you will be featured in an article here in a week or two. ;)

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Best wishes, Hookbill. I must say, you're being very brave about this operation-thing. The one time I had (extremely minor) surgery, I was a total wimp.

There really is only one thing going through my mind about it...

http://i26.tinypic.com/10gd1jq.jpg

[Lhunardawen]

Oh come now, Hookbill, don't be so pessimistic! Even the worst surgeons known to humankind will be experts compared to Alien. :D

[Hookbill the Goomba]

I went to the hospital for a 'pre-op' thingy-me-bob and got some news..
They say that the whole thing will be over very quickly; I'll go into the hospital on Tuesday and wait until I go to theatre either Tuesday night or Wednesday morning. I will very likely be able to go home on Wednesday evening or Thursday morning.
Why am I telling you this?
Because the NEW Phantom and Alien cartoon is set for release on Thursday (the Barrow Birthday) and I want to be here to post it. Although, if things go wrong, I may ask my brother to post it up in some way or another. I don't know.

So, that's the long and short o' it. Risk of death 0.02%, risk of annoyance 97.3%

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i291/JoelCornah/DRALIEN.jpg

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Once again I lack the ability to fall asleep, so for some of you this Downer may be a day early or whatever. But it is technically Monday here in Blighty...

More thanks to the phantom for the second story and mini headlines.

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i291/JoelCornah/Week095.jpg

This week, Alien goes magic... I should have given him his pointy hat again. :rolleyes:

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i291/JoelCornah/PandA089.jpg

Moreover, we are 5 weeks away from week 100!!! If you have anything you would like included in the extra special, five page edition of The Downer, then PM it to me. You can send; pictures, 5-600 word articles, puzzles or even little cartoons (not P&A, mind... They're MINE!).

Also, Oxonmooters, you may also PM me some stuff for the Moot edition. It will be 5 or six pages long as well.

Have fun, peoples!

[Groin Redbeard]

Poor Volo!:( Still, I'm glad to see that Aganzir is there to carry on his legacy!:D That's when you find who your friends are, way'ta go Aganzir (just don't kill me).

I'm thrilled from my toes to my eyebrows, I was mentioned in the Downer!:D Thise IS an honor beyond belief!

Best of luck with the surgery Hookbill, I hope all goes well.

P.S. Thank you for describing me as a dwarf, Phantom, I really appreciated that bit!

[Nerwen]

Thank you, thank you, Phantom. You have given meaning to my otherwise pointless existence!:D

[Bêthberry]

I went to the hospital for a 'pre-op' thingy-me-bob and got some news..
They say that the whole thing will be over very quickly; I'll go into the hospital on Tuesday and wait until I go to theatre either Tuesday night or Wednesday morning. I will very likely be able to go home on Wednesday evening or Thursday morning.
Why am I telling you this?
Because the NEW Phantom and Alien cartoon is set for release on Thursday (the Barrow Birthday) and I want to be here to post it. Although, if things go wrong, I may ask my brother to post it up in some way or another. I don't know.

So, that's the long and short o' it. Risk of death 0.02%, risk of annoyance 97.3%



Here's a little something to while away the hours while you wait for the lights to dim in that theatre, Hookbill: Surgical Theatre (http://www.xanga.com/Bethberry). Let's hope that it is critics who have the unkindest cuts.

[Rune Son of Bjarne]

About what happened in week 94: I would like a re-match, I am sure the referees where baised.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Here's a little something to while away the hours while you wait for the lights to dim in that theatre, Hookbill: Surgical Theatre (http://www.xanga.com/Bethberry). Let's hope that it is critics who have the unkindest cuts.

... I think I preferred Alien with a chainsaw. :eek: :p

However, this is the perfect opportunity for people to suggest obituaries to put the paper, isn't it? ;)

[Legate of Amon Lanc]

Haha, this time The Downer just totally got me :D Especially the Phantom's article and the first five headlines (I experienced an uncontrollable outbreak of laughter when reading that :D ), and also, the comics!!! :D

[the phantom]

So, did anyone figure out the trivia question? It's a tricky one.

Nerwen and Groin- glad to be of service. ;)

[Volo]

This was the first time I read the Downer in the school library and yes, I laughed.

[Eönwë]

So, did anyone figure out the trivia question? It's a tricky one.

It obviously, couldn't be the Witch-King, and I can't think of any other kings so I think I'll go with, erm, Cirdan?

[the phantom]

The Grand Admiral of The Downer is temporarily out of action, but so strong is Hookbill's will that even all the doctors in the world cannot stop his printing press.

Special thanks to someone or other for the mini-headlines and second story.

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i291/JoelCornah/Week096.jpg

This week Phantom is thankful that Alien's outlandishness has manifest itself in a nondestructive manner.

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i291/JoelCornah/PandA090.jpg

[Lhunardawen]

the phantom out of ideas? That's impossible.

But that no harm of any sort came to Phantom in this week's comic...it seems biased. :p

[the phantom]

the phantom out of ideas? That's impossible.
Not necessarily. Right this second, for instance, I couldn't think up an idea to save my life. I've been getting very little sleep for the last week and a half. But next week... ahh... semester over.

And Eonwe, no sorry, you got the trivia question wrong. It's okay, it's a tough one. Here's a hint- look at the capitalized word. ;) Heh heh... but something tells me you already knew that.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Just so everyone knows, I'm back from hospital and all the important government business I had to attend to.

We've run into some problems encoding The Phantom and Alien cartoon into video, but as soon as it's fixed it'll be up for your viewing pleasure.

[satansaloser2005]

All hail the return of Hookbill! Glad everything went well dearie! :)

~~Sally~~

[The Might]

Nice to see you're only dead on the Downs! ;)
It is indeed good to have you back, Hookbill!

Btw, nice P&A edition, finally one where Alien is the one to suffer for a change... although he may actually be feeling good after that given how strange he normally is.

[Eönwë]

Yay!
Hookbill has returned. I·Hookbill antúlien! (Legate will tell me if thats right. He knows all).

Its very nice to see you back after so many years (In Downs-time).

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Ladies and gentlewights,

Sorry it's a bit late, but here, at last, to celebrate the Barrow Downs Birthday, is another Phantom and Alien cartoon:

THE PHANTOM'S JOB HUNT (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2mr5F_qT-mU)

Before you click, check out this preview picture fo no reason:

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i291/JoelCornah/PandAScreenshot.jpg

The sound is a bit crackly. Not sure why. We tried everything to fix it.

[Morai]

The last line was my favorite ;P.

[Eönwë]

P&A never fails to make me laugh, and these animations are even funnier than normal.:D

[Lhunardawen]

The interviewer reminds me a lot of davem, Alien sounds exactly like I imagined, Phantom sounds nothing like I imagined, and the visual quality of the cartoon is quite endearing - I especially love how the characters glide. Excellent job, Hookbill. :)

[Oddwen]

A wonderful animation Hooky - well worth waiting for. :D

[TheGreatElvenWarrior]

Yay! That was a great Phantom and Alien! That was a cool film...
And I haven't been on recently so umm...
Those were awesome stories for the past few Downers, they made me laugh so much!

[Hookbill the Goomba]

The interviewer reminds me a lot of davem, Alien sounds exactly like I imagined, Phantom sounds nothing like I imagined, and the visual quality of the cartoon is quite endearing - I especially love how the characters glide. Excellent job, Hookbill. :)

The Interviwer is called 'Mr. Bloke' :D
Yes, well, my brother did most of the work. He's the animation guy round here. Phantom 'glides' because he's a ghost and Alien is... A big... slimy... thing.
How did you imagine The Phantom to speak? I've always picture him with a British accent, but then again, I'm probably just bias. (I do know that the phantom isn't British, however)

Coming soon:

The John Fillis Action figure. All the Kids will want one.

[The Might]

LOL, great stuff at the end :D:D:D

[the phantom]

Quite right- I'm not British.

But oddly enough I've had a British accent since birth. My first word was "Wimbledon". It was quite a shock to my parents, but they soon grew accustomed to it.

And did you have to make me exit via the window, Hookbill? It really hurt.

Fantastic cartoon though!

[Valesse]

Hilarious as usual, Hookbill, glad to see you back!

[Lhunardawen]

Phantom 'glides' because he's a ghost and Alien is... A big... slimy... thing.
It would probably be wonderful if he trails slime as he glides slimily. :D

How did you imagine The Phantom to speak? I've always picture him with a British accent, but then again, I'm probably just bias. (I do know that the phantom isn't British, however)
I have nothing against the British accent, I think it's cool. But I don't know, maybe I imagined a bit deeper voice or something.

[TheGreatElvenWarrior]

Hookbill,
If The Phantom is a ghost, then why did he break the glass in the window? And why didn't he fly out through another exit... I know the window was the obvious choice, but he's from a comic strip...

I will be done with my rant now...

[Hookbill the Goomba]

It's Monday again, (here in Blighty anyway).
Thanks to some ghostly chap in a blue cloak for the mini headlines.

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i291/JoelCornah/Week097.jpg

Based on an idea by mr phantom.

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i291/JoelCornah/PandA091.jpg

[Kath]

Conspiracy? Link with Faceless Evil? Me?! Well dang it, you've discovered my evil plan. :D

[Thinlómien]

All too funny - all of it. But I must say that the McCaber article amused me the most. :D

And as I was asked, well, hadn't she confessed, I wouldn't have believed there to be a connection between Kath and the Faceless Evil... :eek: ;)

[Legate of Amon Lanc]

This was really great, but what amused ME the most was the Nogrod mini-headline :D And I only just had chance to look at the video, too. It is amazing :D :cool:

[THE Ka]

Lovely article on McCaber, btw. The picture, is priceless. I'm going to have to give an aesthetic award for this Downer press photo: He's shown so clear and noble... He's bad, but he's been shamed. So I like it (http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/The_Simpsons#Brush_with_Greatness_.5B2.18.5D).

~ Reference in reference Ka

[Hookbill the Goomba]

With week #100 just three weeks away, I'm still accepting articles and whatnot for the extra special edition! If you want to be a part of this unpopular abomination to literature, then please, PM your stuff to me at some point or other. Even if you just have a fun picture you'd like included, or an advertisement.

Remember the good old film reviews? Well, I have a challenge to go with week 100. If you fancy yourself as a film critic, drop me a PM and I'll send you a film poster. Give me your review and it'll be in the paper! How does that sound? Plugging my own work? Why, yes I am!

[Nogrod]

This was really great, but what amused ME the most was the Nogrod mini-headline :DNow who's being leaking out the secret? :)

[Hookbill the Goomba]

This week, a true disaster has struck!

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i291/JoelCornah/Week098.jpg

The Phantom soon realises that things never work out the way you expect them to with Alien...

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i291/JoelCornah/PandA092.jpg

I'm still accepting articles and things for week 100.

Moreover, if you write an article or something for the Oxonmoot paper, I will make you a spceial Downer Press Pass and laminate it (if you're going to the moot, of course). It will look something like this (only better)...

[Hookbill the Goomba]

I think it's high time I let everyone know how lucky they are to have The Downer Newspaper to read. Look at the rave reviews:

"Certainly printed on paper!"
- The guardian

"Not as bad as a smack in the face"
- Sir Humphrey

"Terrible"
- The Daily Liar

I mean, it's not like the competition is up to much...

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i291/JoelCornah/TheBarrow001.jpg

And their comic strip is just... well... judge for yourselves...

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i291/JoelCornah/DaveandHenry01.jpg

[Rune Son of Bjarne]

Thanks Hookbill you have opened my eyes to how lucky we all are to have The Downer as our main source of information.

I just realise that I have not turned off my computer all week (is very ashamed) since the web-browser where i initially read this weeks downer is still open. . .it is because I simply did not know how to react, my mind simply could not cope with being in the downer twice in one week.

All I can say is that it really was a mistake, it was supposed to be my famouse 9-poison beef. . .

[Oddwen]

Hmm...first pass I read that headline as "A Day With Out Legate"...dangit. ;)

[Groin Redbeard]

A day with Legate!:eek: How do I sign up?:D

[Legate of Amon Lanc]

Oh Hookbill, really, you did well to make us aware of the qualities of the Downer.
Groin, surely you don't believe The Barrow! They know just what's the best to make the newspaper sell well ;) but...

Hmm...first pass I read that headline as "A Day With Out Legate"...dangit. ;)

Am I to take this personally?! ;)

[Eönwë]

Hmm...first pass I read that headline as "A Day With Out Legate"...dangit. ;)

Am I to take this personally?! ;)

Maybe it should be read as "A day out with Legate- We're all going to die!"
Why Legate, why? How could you do this to us? Will somebody please think of the children! (And other Downers);)

edit: Until now, I didn't realsie what Oddwen said. I even read what she said as "A day out with Legate".

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Yes, we are but a week away from the unexpected, unbelievable, uninteresting and unwanted 100th edition of The Downer Newspaper! :eek:

But will The Downer survive the next week? Strange things are afoot. Keep watching this thread for the exciting adventure leading up to next Monday!

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i291/JoelCornah/Week099.jpg

This week, The Phantom give us the lowdown...

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i291/JoelCornah/PandA093.jpg

So, if you have an article, puzzle, poem, film review (pokes Gwathagor and The Elf-Warrior), send them to me before Sunday (that's when I'll be putting the final touches to it). Remember, The Downer was invented with the intention that everyone could join in with news. Post a story on the thread or PM me if you want it on the front page (or inner pages, depending on how much space I have).

[Gwathagor]

Ow.

[Groin Redbeard]

How did ya’ll know I’m a fanatic about change?! I swear, Hookbill, not only are you an excellent reporter but you’re also a Psychic! Oh, thanks for the tip about Bread Beard, I’ll teach him to mess with my money grubbing ways!

It looks like The Barrow Wight has really gotten himself into a pickle. I can barely wait to see how it all turns out! :D

Good luck on your story, Gwathagor, I can’t wait to read it all! :D

[Oddwen]

Thaaaaat picture scares me...I'ma go hide in my mausoleum now.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Hookbill opened his eyes and mumbled to himself. Pulling his duvet closer he crawled out from under his desk, wiping the moldy tea stains off his chair before sitting down. Staring at the door he bobbed his head at every tick of the clock until it struck nine o'clock. There was a knock on the door-window; the backwards (from Hookbill's perspective) 'Editor' sign was chipped away a little by a hand wearing a gauntlet.
"Come in," sighed the Goomba, "What is it, Workm'n?"
A skinny Wight with green skin and red hair hobbled in. His left leg was bleeding quite badly, probably due to the spike sticking out of it. Hookbill raised an eyebrow.
"It's the latest style, sir," Workm'n assured him with heavy intakes of breath, "It's fine- REALLY- it's fine..." He was sweating more than normal, but the Editor lent back and blew an unnecessarily long raspberry.
"What have you got for me?"
"Well sir," Workm'n pulled a folder out from under his jacket and rifled through the pages before pulling one out; "Dog discovered having affair with Elven chiefs?" Hookbill nodded.
"Okay, print it up. Have the full story on my desk by Friday. I won't read it, I just like having things on my desk." Workm'n bowed and trotted out of the office.

Hookbill's office smelled. Not badly, really, just strange; uncanny, some said. It was something to do with the two year old jaffa cakes lodged in the walls, the old cat food on the ceiling, the fact that Hookbill had never had a cat and the lingering scent of rotten milk. The piles of empty tea cups on and around his desk had built up a complex social-economic system of bacteria and flies who now had well established trade routs with the bins.
Tapping a well chewed pencil against his forehead, the Editor grumbled something about 'wasps in the pipes'. He threw the pencil in the general direction of the bins and pressed the 'a' key on his typewriter. It was a cold, dark, tangled contraption. There was not the regular 'click-click' sound when he began typing. It was more of a 'squelch'.
He stopped and sniffed. A rich yet musty smell was emerging from behind the door. Like the mixture of strange plants, warmed or burning in a pipe or bong. There was a scream. Sighing, he picked up his intercom (an empty soup tin with a piece of string attached to it).
"Spawn, let Mr Davem into my office."
"I'm not your bleeding secretary!" she replied. A second later, the other soup tin was resting on Hookbill's office floor surrounded by the glass of the door-window. Davem popped his head through and shook his long silver hair, getting it tangled in the glass shards.
"Hey dude," he said with his eyes obviously seeing things that weren't there, "did you see that? Man! It was all like; wooaaahhh! Man, I could, like, feel the glass, man!"
"I see," Hookbill picked up another pencil and began chewing, "what can I do for you, officer?"
"I was just sent here to, like, urm..." he stopped and pushed the door open. Stumbling forward, he brushed down his flower patterned waist coat and torn up jeans. The dandelions in his pockets fell out and bounced off his bare feet. "What's the word?" he pondered, "begins with, like, a 'D'..."
"Defecate?"
"No, man, I did that in your car."
"What? Since when do I have a c- never mind... Delouse?"
"It's 'Des'... 'Destram'? 'Distr- Distul- Distract! That was it! Distract you!"
Hookbill's mouth opened, but before he could put together the right motor functions to speak, a flash of light filled the room.

Stumbling through the smoke, the Goomba coughed and cursed. The wooden beams once holding up the ceiling were now cast across his desk, splitting it open to reveal a complex ant colony. Scrambling forward on all fours, Hoobill blinked as a figure loomed over him. It was carrying a baton and grinning. The orange hair flickered in the flames as Lalwende raised her weapon and brought it down on the Editor's helm-less head.

There was a lot of grass. Grass, and cows. He knew there were cows. One was licking his face. Rolling over, Hookbill found his face falling into some dung. Swearing, he lurched up and headbutted the cow. It moaned and fell over, almost crushing his legs. With a yelp, he jumped to his feet and blinked. The field was flat, wide and lacking in hills.
"This isn't The Barrow Downs," he observed, "where on Middle Earth am I?"
"Safe," said a voice, like a well trained British actor who had gotten a little drunk, "for now at least. I have the finest wines available to humanity! Do you want some?" He emptied the last of it into his invisible mouth. "Blast. Look at me! I'm in a field and I'm practically dead... Wait..." he waved the bottle and examined the few drops. He threw it away. "there wasn't much in it, there's nothing left for you."
The Phantom waved his bottle in the air. His dark blue robes were covered in dirt and blood. He bore a bandage on one arm and one of his glowing white eyes was dimmer than the other. He fished in his pocket and flung a newspaper at Hookbill.
"What's this?" he asked,
"Something has to be done!" He staggered to his feet, "We can't go on like this! I'm a trained actor, reduced to the states of a bum! Nothing that 'reasonable members of society' demand as their rights! No houses, no food, no palantirs! Much more of this and I'll apply to meals on wheels!"
"What happened to your cartoon serise?"
"That's what I want to know! What happened to my agent? The idiot must have died!"
As Phantom ranted and raved, Hookbill opened the paper and gasped. He had never seen a headline like it. Reading on, he began to see what had happened to The Phantom. Though some questions were still unanswered...

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i291/JoelCornah/TheFrowner001.jpg

Tune in Tomorrow for the continuing story! :eek:

[Eönwë]

All worship the master... Hey!Stop!Get off!I'm innocent, I say, innocent!

[Groin Redbeard]

I must say things have taken a turn for the worse here in the Downs, if that can even be possible.:; Don't worry Hookbill you have our support, we are all behind you (way behind you).:D

[Hookbill the Goomba]

The Phantom smashed his wine bottle against the tree and stomped up and down in front of it, crunching the shards with his large boots. The birds settled in the branches above his head and began chattering; Phantom swore at them and waved his arms until they flew away. He muttered something about ‘spies’ and then sat down.
Hookbill put the paper down and rubbed his eyes. He suddenly noticed he had been wearing different clothes. It was the itching of the cotton shirt that first alerted him; it was grey and full of holes, covered in dust and specs of blood. On the sleeve it bore a number ‘124616’ followed by a frowning face.
“What are we doing out here?” Hookbill stared at The Phantom, “What the heck is going on?”
“Bad things,” The Phantom got up and groaned, “very bad things are happening. You see-” he stopped and looked behind the Goomba, “Ah! You took your time you lazy idiot.” A slimy green creature slid across the plain; it had a long head with two blue eyes, wide and shallow, not much of a body, just a long neck like continuation going all the way to the ground where there was nothing but a splat of slime.
Alien was carrying a box tied up with ribbon. He had no arms, but the box seemed to float in front of him as if being levitated. The creature hummed to itself and laughed occasionally. Phantom rolled his eyes and pushed past Hookbill.
“What did you get?” he asked, “Did you get more wine?”
“I gots us some magic beans!” said Alien triumphantly, “They tastes like oranges!” Opening the box he revealed six tangerines, a bit of string and four rocks that looked a little bit like Alien’s head. The Phantom growled and stamped up and down in front of Alien, ranting and raving some more.
“Look,” said Hookbill at last, “can you just explain to me what on Middle Earth is going on. What happened to my office? What happened to my clothes? What about my ants?”
“Oh, they went boom!” Alien grinned, “I saw it myself!”
“Come on, let’s find somewhere less conspicuous.” Said The Phantom.

The Dead Face Inn had no walls. The ceiling was upheld by four poles, one in each corner, but the wood was quite damp, woodworm infested every square inch. The Phantom sat down in a large armchair near the centre of the parlour, raising his feet on a stool and signalling to the waiter. Alien pottered around stealing money from unsuspecting men and Hobbits.
From their seats they could see the first hills of the Barrow Downs on the horizon to the north. Dark, heavy clouds hovered over the land like a fat bat ready to burst and annoy everyone. The damp air stung their skin as the cold wind whistled through the Inn. Hookbill shivered and settled down next to the fire Alien had started using the money he had stolen. The few men who complained were soon eaten or frightened off.
“Macalaure took over the Downs,” began The Phantom, “but, it wasn’t Macalaure, not anymore, anyway.”
“Pardon?” Hookbill nearly knocked over the waiter as he brought their drinks, “I’m used to crazy stories, but try and make sense.”
“Do you remember the headline for week eighteen?”
Hookbill thought for a moment and then said, “No.”
Phantom fished in his pockets again and then flung another Newspaper at the Goomba. ‘Millions Suffer from Fake Epidemic’ was the headline. He nodded and peered back at his companion as his eyes flashed brighter for a second.
“Gimli’s Chin,” Phantom hummed, “turns out it wasn’t fake after all. At least, not in some cases. You see, the bacteria that caused the condition only attacked Bearded Wights.”
“That explains the Beard tax.”
“Indeed. You see, throughout the last ninety nine weeks you have accidentally uncovered a great conspiracy! It all began when Littlemanpoet took over the world; he was where the virus originated.”
“I thought it was a bacterium.”
“Shut up!” Phantom thumped the side of his chair and snatched a mug of ale from the waiter, “Listen, LMP caught Gimli’s chin and then became a megalomaniac. After it left him it took another host, but the result wasn’t quite as it had expected. The subject died, the coffin was left on a hedge in the Downs. The corpse was taken by the police for examination and that’s where it took its next host.”
“Davem?”
“Indeed. Fortunately, the megalomania didn’t take hold; the bizarre blend of illegal and dangerous substances in his system already prevented him from being too dangerous. But we think that The Saucepan Man knew something of it. That’s why he introduced the Beard tax. That knocked that virus back a bit until it some how got into parliament and infected… The Barrow Wight Himself.”
“But, he never had a beard!”
“That was the great advantage, and it probably saved us great troubles. The virus left the BWH when he was kidnapped in week thirty. That’s where we lose track of it, until now. Macalaure has Gimli’s chin. While he has the virus in him, he’ll have the power to control the Barrow Downs so much so that he will plunge us back into the Dark Times.”
Hookbill lent back in his chair and took a sip of the drink which had suddenly appeared at his elbow. The Inn was deadly quiet except for the crackling of the fire and the laughs of Alien as he drained all the Beer Barrels into a baby’s mouth. Looking at the Frowner Newspaper, Hookbill stroked his nonexistent stubble. He flicked through to the latter pages and examined the cartoon.

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i291/JoelCornah/FungoltchandShcmurt2.jpg

“What I don’t understand is why they attacked my Newspaper,” Hookbill mumbled, “It’s not like I have a problem working for tyrannical leaders.”
“That’s what we’re going to find out,” Phantom stood up and threw his empty mug at Alien, “come on, stupid, we’ve got work to do.”
Just then, a knife shot through the air and stuck into Phantom’s chair. A thin Wight with dark hair and dressed in a blood stained tuxedo stood grinning at the ‘door’ to the Inn. In his hand was a drenched carving knife. Wiping his glasses, Anguriel stepped into the Inn and laughed.
“I’m sorry,” he said, “but I can’t allow you back in the Downs.”

TO BE CONTINUED’ED

Every day until Monday you'll get another episode of The Story So Far! Be on the look out for clues, plot holes and guest appearances from surprise members!

[Groin Redbeard]

I'm really enjoying this whole story, and I am dieing to see you this all turns out. Great work Hookbill!:)

[Hookbill the Goomba]

The Plight of Trampbill the Goomba continues...

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i291/JoelCornah/Trampbillthegoomba.jpg

Tossing the knife in the air, Anguriel chuckled and grinned. He caught it again as it came down and stepped closer to The Phantom and Hookbill. Several tables were upturned as the other occupants of the Inn fled, tossing their drinks into the air. Phantom narrowed his eyes as the ale seeped into the ground. The floorboards creaked as their attacker approached, tossing the knife from hand to hand and bobbing his head.
With a swift turn, Phantom gripped Alien and pulled him in front as a barrier between him and Anguriel. The slimy creature had ice-cream all around his mouth as well as melted cheese and bits of soil. A small child wailed as Alien dropped him.
“Make yourself useful!” shouted Phantom, “Do something!” he pushed Alien forward. Shaking his head to relive himself of the ice-cream and cheese, Alien picked up a chair and slimed forwards. He lifted it up and then… he began to eat it.
Phantom slapped himself on the forehead and dragged his hand down his face. Shoving Hookbill out of the way he ran out of the Inn through one of the nonexistent walls. Anguriel swore and threw the knife after The Phantom, but he was already too far away.

Darting over the rocks and fallen trees lining the path towards the Barrow Downs, Hookbill panted and groaned. The shadow of The Phantom was already turning a corner into a valley between two hills. Turning his head Hookbill yelped. Anguriel was sprinting along at an alarming speed, sending dust up in front and behind. The Goomba turned around again only to run into the back of The Phantom.
Coughing, they got up off the ground. Before them was a net. It was badly disguised under a pile of leaves. They traced around it and continued to run. They went four steps before they heard a ‘snap’ followed by muffled cursing.
Anguriel’s knife clattered to the floor as he wriggled and writhed in the net. There was a rustling sound above and out of the bushes, a tall, slender Penguin appeared, dressed in bright blue robes and carrying a spear. She was accompanied by a smaller Penguin with green feathers and clothes. The first Penguin began poking Anguriel with the blunt end of her spear.
“Is this yours?” she asked,
“No,” replied Phantom, “I thought you were helping more Wights escape the concentration camps, Lommy.”
“I was,” she continued poking Anguriel, “but as soon as I heard you’d been spotted breaking Hookbill out of jail, I knew they’d send him after you.”
“I am here you know!” shouted Anguriel, “I do have a name!”
“Shut up,” The Phantom prodded him, “traitor!”
“Oh that’s nice!” he groaned, “I’d like to see you refuse the promise of your own clothes-”
“That doesn’t sound so special,” said Hookbill,
“Let me finish! Clothes made of GOLD!”
“Fair enough.”
Lommy and Greenie spoke in whispers for a moment before wandering to where the ropes suspending the net were attached to the ground. Taking out small, clean knives they cut them and Anguriel plummeted to the ground and landed with a thump. The dust covered him over for a moment and he lay groaning and fidgeting.
“Any news from The Doctor?” asked Lommy, staring into The Phantom’s bizarre eyes, “I’ve not seen him since Tuesday.”
“Me neither. I think he may be dead.”
“Where’s Alien?” Greenie looked around apprehensively, “I don’t want another trip to Bree Hospital!”
The Phantom shrugged and waved vaguely in the direction of the Inn. The two Penguins tied Anguriel’s hands and put another rope around his neck. Greenie made a remark about him looking like ‘a Gollum’. Hookbill sat on a rock and put his head in his hands. The sun was fading over the horizon and the storm clouds over the Downs were getting thicker. Thunder rolled and the sound of stereotypically evil laughter was carried along the freezing winds.
Lommy clambered up into the bushes above and rustled around for a moment before returning with two packs. She removed from one of them a pair of fish and set them down on a cloak Greenie had laid down. The Phantom grumbled as he was handed a tinder box. Just as he got a fire going, light rain began to drizzle down like a thin curtain. Shouting with rage, he stamped on the fire and sat down with folded arms. Lommy picked up the tinder box and began striking it onto the driest wood; hiding it under some further wood and dried grass proved enough to set it going. Huddling around it they sat in silence for some time, their eyes ever on the embers and flames as they licked higher and higher.
Once they had eaten some fish and had a short rest, they turned their attention to Anguriel. He was fumbling with the rope, but Lommy poked him again.
“What do we do with him?” asked Hookbill, “Will he really talk?”
“Eventually,” said Greenie with a wink, “Pengish people have ways of opening closed tongs… Literally.” Anguriel made a muffled shriek.
“Just tell us,” began Lommy, “where are they keeping The Saucepan Man?” Anguriel shook his head and tried to run away. The Phantom pulled on the rope and yanked him back by the neck.
“In a warehouse!” Anguriel coughed as he rubbed his sore neck, “But you’ll not get close! It’s guarded by… Well, you’ll find out.”
Hookbill was pulling some sticks together and attaching them with bits of string. Laying leaves on top of it he managed to make a crude umbrella. Trotting forward he stood near the others as they interrogated Anguriel. He was fretting and mumbling most of his answers, begging them not to take away his gold.
“Why do we need The Saucepan Man?” asked the Goomba,
“Not now!” shouted The Phantom, “I’ll explain later!”
At that moment, Anguriel leaped up and dived past them, landing on the little fire. His bonds (as well as his clothes) burst into flames. Screaming, he darted off up the hill, waving his arms in the air. Greenie gave chase, but her little Pengish legs could not keep up. She lent forwards and put her flippers on her hips, puffing and panting with annoyance.
“See what you did?” Phantom bellowed, gripping Hookbill by the shoulders, “He was about to break! Now we’ll never know what’s guarding the Warehouse!”
“Oh come along,” said Lommy, “we’ll find out sooner or later.”

The rain was pounding on their heads like drops of led. The Phantom stuffed his hands deep into his pockets and hunched his shoulders while Lommy and Greenie plodded on in front. Hookbill’s umbrella was falling apart; the ferocity of the rain was tearing through the leaves and forcing large gaps to open up.
All of a sudden, Lommy signalled for them to get down on the ground. They crawled up the hill and peered down into the next valley; there, standing behind the thick rain curtain, was a wooden warehouse. It looked like a cottage, but larger and with a flatter roof. There were dark shapes moving around it. A flash of yellow eyes would occasionally startle them. Hookbill gulped and lowered his umbrella; the wet ground had already drenched him and he groaned a little as the rain began to hit his head. Lommy scowled.
They crept down, shuffling through the slippery grass, tall enough to conceal them for now, but the closer they got to the house, the shorter the blades became. The Phantom closed his eyes; their glow was sure to attract unwanted attention. Lommy stopped and turned her head back and forth.
“Something’s not right,” said a voice,
“Shh!” said Lommy, “we don’t want them to find us.”
“Who? Us?”
“Yes, us!”
“No, I mean, you don’t want us to find you.”
A long, hairy face poked out over the top of the grass. The bright yellow eyes flickered like candle flames. Hookbill quivered and turned to run away. He fell flat on his face in front of another large, hairy shape.
“Blast,” said The Phantom, “It wasn’t a Warehouse; it was a Were-house!”

TO BE CONTINUED’ED

Tune in tomorrow for the excitement, adventure and annoyance of... The Story So Far!

[Eönwë]

Wow! I'm hooked!

edit: no pun intended,:p seriously!

[Groin Redbeard]

That picture of you sure is life like, we have someone who looks like that hanging around the corners in town. Your a natural bum!:p

[Volo]

That picture of you sure is life like, we have someone who looks like that hanging on around the corners in town. Your a natural bum!:p

At least he's not cutting off Legate. :D

[Eönwë]

Your a natural bum!:p

Don't go 'round saying that to him, he's English, and we don't use it for tramp!

[the phantom]

Quite the tale you are spinning, Hook. I can't wait to see what happens next!

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Hookbill’s eyes flicked open. He closed them again immediately. The long, wrinkled face of a Werewolf bristled in front of him, blowing its foul breath into his face. The ropes around the Goomba’s hands were beginning to cut into his skin as was the filthy gag on his face; it was an old Clough covered in dust and dirt and a little sick.
“Would you care to explain what this is?” the voice was raspy and harsh. Hookbill opened one eye and held his mouth closed tight. The Werewolf was snarling and leaning closer to his face. With one swift slash of its claws, it removed the gag.
“It’s an umbrella!” Hookbill yelped at last, “At least, it was until your henchman sat on it!”
“Doesn’t look like a very good umbrella.”
“Yes, well, I’m not selling it.”
“Don’t tell them anything!” shouted Lommy from somewhere behind, “Fight the power! Don’t tell them anything!”
“I don’t know anything!”
The Werewolves sniggered and pointed at Hookbill. He frowned.
A Tall Werewolf with what looked like a long white beard wandered into the room with his thick hands behind his back. Sniffing the air, he peered at the captives and chuckled. The Phantom growled and began rocking in his chair.
“There must and shall be aspirin!” he shouted, “My head feels like a pit s-”
“Gentlemen,” said the new Werewolf, “and Penguins. Welcome to our house. I trust you will enjoy our hospitality. You will receive food, drink and sound advice before…” he hummed and tapped his head, “before we dispose of you.” The wolves chuckled. Kneeling down besides Lommy, the leader sniffed and spat, “Now, you were trying to find the heretic known as The Saucepan Man, weren’t you?”
“Would you like a drink?” said Phantom,
“Shut up you!” said another wolf, sneering close to Phantom’s invisible nose,
“I have a heart condition,” he said, “If you hit me, its murder!”
“I’ll murder the lot of you!”
“My wife is having a baby!” Phantom lied with faked tears, “listen, I don’t know what my fr- acquaintances have done to upset you, but it’s nothing to do with me. I suggest you all go outside and sort it out… in the street.”
There was a snap, followed by a cry from the head Werewolf. Lommy snapped her beak several times more and Greenie joined in. The Phantom continued rocking in his chair to the beat of their snapping. The Leader Wolf snarled and gripped one of his hench-wolves by the neck and thrust him forwards.
“Kill them!” he said, “Start with the Penguins!”
“Ah! Good evening,” said a voice, calm and homely, “nice to meet you.” A tall figure with long blond hair glided into the room. His tall red boots tapped the floor as he marched towards one of the Wolves, his immense multicoloured scarf flapping in amusing ways. He whipped around, sending his long dark red coat into a whirl of movement. He Shook hands with the wolves one by one, “I’m The Doctor,” he said, “how do you do?”
The head wolf stumbled backwards, his mouth jittering open as the intruder put his arms around one of the wolves and began talking pleasantly with him. Scratching his head, the white wolf shook all over, clenching one of his fists.
“I say,” continued The Doctor, “it is a lovely place you have here, wouldn’t you say it was lovely, Thinlómien?”
“Oh yes,” she replied, “very lovely. Homely, almost.”
“Yes! And you have guests, I see! But this is no way to treat guests.”
The wolves were paralysed with shock as The Doctor untied the others with a silver device with a round red circle at the top. The Sonic Screwdriver whirred as it cut through the ropes and let The Phantom free. Hookbill rubbed his hands and leaned close to Lommy, whispering,
“Why is Volo dressed like that?”
“Shh!” she replied, “just go with it!”
He nodded and rubbed his eyes. The Doctor continued to move in and out of the group of Werewolves, talking all the time, commenting on the decorations and the structure of the cottage. The log fire in the corner seemed to attract a lot of his attention. The others shuffled closer to the exit.
“It seems to me,” Volo continued, “that if, and I emphasise the ‘if’, if this place were hiding fugitives, and dangerous ones at that.”
“Oh, very dangerous,” confirmed Lommy.
“There, you see? Very dangerous. Anyway, were it holding dangerous fugitives, then they would have to find a way of keeping them away from any rescue attempt, isn’t that right?” some of the wolves nodded, “Excellent! Oh!” The head Wolf was approaching, knife raised and teeth spitting, “Hello! I do hope that knife has been properly sterilised! You can catch all sorts of things from a dirty knife, lockjaw, tetanus not to mention log-”
“Stop your words old fool!” The wolf leaped at The Doctor, but he moved out of the way at the last second.
“Now, Now! My, what large teeth you h- Never mind. Look, as I was saying, if I were hiding a dangerous fugitive and, if I know the typical prison, and, fortunately I do, then I would have to say…” he leaped up on a table, grasped the chandeliered that dangled down and swung over to the fire place, “that this was the area you were keeping me furthest away from and therefore!” he pulled on of the loose stones and the whole wall moved to the side to reveal another room.
“Kill HIM!” shouted the wolf, “Kill them all!”
“Which one first?” asked a smaller one, “Only, we don’t want to get in trouble for killing the wrong one first, I mean what if-”
“Just kill something!”

The Phantom ran on ahead, reaching the top of the hill as the others still stumbled on their way. Hookbill and The Doctor carried a short man with pots and pans strapped all over him and one great pot on his head. He mumbled and muttered something about ‘bins’ and then drooped his head down. Lommy and Greenie waddled on towards Phantom as he surveyed the surrounding lands.
The darkness was deepening, yet a pail red light flickered in the North West. The howling winds whipped around them, causing the usual flapping noises of capes and robes. The rain had stopped, but the ground still squelched underfoot, the two Penguins shook their feathers in frustration.
Once they were all at the top, The Phantom rushed on ahead again, reaching the bottom in a matter of moments. Greenie dived forward and slid down the hill Pengish style. Lommy waited for The Doctor and Hookbill to revive The Saucepan Man. He was still breathing, but his face carried bruises and cuts, not to mention the dents in his pans. They splashed some water on his face and he gasped loudly. Spluttering he turned his head this way and that, blabbering.
“Where am I?” he managed, “What’s the time?”
“We’re not out of the woods yet,” said Lommy,
“Yes we are,” he lifted his head, “there aren’t any trees for miles.”
“That’s not what I- Never mind, can you walk?”
The Saucepan Man stumbled forward, wobbling, but just about staying upright. They plodded on as fast as they could, slipping through the grass and stopping just as they reached The Phantom. He was sniffing the air and humming.
“We had some good luck back there,” mused Hookbill, “It was a little bizarre seeing that little Wolf killing all the other ones. ‘Just obeying orders!’ Brilliant!”
A crow squawked overhead. The travellers bent down and watched it float out of sight. The clouds were moving fast, against the wind and rumbling more than ever. Lommy stepped forward and peered out down the valley. Waving she signalled to the others to follow as she darted along the dirt path way. The Saucepan Man, still being partially supported by The Doctor, stumbled on behind.
Hookbill trotted on forward until he was next to The Phantom. He had his hands in his pockets again and was mumbling, his glowing eyes were flickering from white to blue as he spoke. The Goomba tapped him on the shoulder,
“What do we need The Saucepan Man for?” he asked, “He looks in a bad way and no mistake.”
“He knows something about Gimli’s Chin,” Phantom explained, “we think he knows where the cure is, that’s why they had him locked up. They wanted to get hold of the cure and destroy it. We, on the other hand, want to use it against the virus. Perhaps he can answer a few more questions; like why your newspaper was attacked and why Rikae has vanished.”
“Where are we going, though?”
“Legate’s Barrow. He’s not been corrupted, yet. But I’m learning not to trust anyone at the moment, not after Groin tried to strangle me with his beard.”
“That,” said Lommy, “was because you had been stealing his biscuits!”
“Lies! Lies and slander!”

There were wasps on Legate’s floor; a layer, three inches thick of wasps. The travellers crunched through them with apprehension. The Doctor strode on ahead and made his way into the living room. Legate had just put a teapot on top of his half. He pulled his dressing gown tight around his chest as the cold wind drafted through from the open door.
He struggled to his feet and lent against the wall underneath a picture of himself leaning against a wall under a picture of himself underneath a picture of his dog. Greenie closed the door; a large slab of stone with a handle on either side.
Once they had all settled down in arm chairs, Legate closed the curtains and then stood silent for a moment. The kettle began to whistle and he picked it up.
“Tea?” he suggested, “or perhaps something a little stronger- Where is The Phantom? I’m sure I saw him come in…” There was a loud bang from another room, followed by laughter. The Phantom stumbled out, holding two bottles of wine.
“Cake and tea,” he said, “and fine wine!” He fell onto the floor and groaned.
Lommy sipped her tea with her sharp eyes glaring at The Saucepan Man. He was nodding his head and sinking deep into the chair. There was a crash of thunder and he leaped up with a yelp. He was sweating and breathed heavily as he looked at each of them in the face.
“What happened?” asked Greenie, “How did they get to you?”
“I think,” he gasped, “I think they’d been monitoring me. As soon as I knew Macalaure had Gimli’s Chin, I knew I had to get to the cure before it was too late, but on my way there, they caught me. They tried to get it out of me, but I don’t think they got beyond the location.”
“They know where the cure is?” Said Lommy,
“Yes, but they don’t know what it is. And they’re not going to find out.”
“Where is it?”
“Haven’t you guessed? It’s at the offices of The Downer Newspaper.”

TO BE CONTINUED’ED

[Groin Redbeard]

Another nail biting thriller from Hookbill. I was wondering when Legate would come into the story, and his role is perfect just how I imagine him to be. I was laughing the whole way through, especially at The Docter part and the wolf killing wolf killing the other wolves, ‘Just obeying orders!’:D

P.S. Tell the Phantom that I'm sorry about strangling him. I'd never intentionally kill him, I love his comics too much.;)

[Legate of Amon Lanc]

Another nail biting thriller from Hookbill. I was wondering when Legate would come into the story, and his role is perfect just how I imagine him to be. I was laughing the whole way through, especially at The Docter part and the wolf killing wolf killing the other wolves, ‘Just obeying orders!’

Indeed, it is better and better (of course it must be better when Legate is in it, right? ;) ). But I laughed so much at the simple exchange:
But I’m learning not to trust anyone at the moment, not after Groin tried to strangle me with his beard.”
“That,” said Lommy, “was because you had been stealing his biscuits!”
“Lies! Lies and slander!”

Don't know why, it's just so funnily formulated :D Also when I imagine it...

And also, a note to one of the preceding things: I am starting to like Fungoltch and Shcmurt, mainly because I think I'm starting to get the point of the story :D It's really good! (I read the old one in which they were as well.)

[Hookbill the Goomba]

(A shorter episode today as I’ve been feeling a little unwell…)

Sitting on the damp bench, Legate opened his lunchbox. The rain was beginning to fall once again, hard and fast, thumping against his head with ferocity. The three bundles of crossbow bolts hidden within the box were freshly sharpened and polished. He handed a bundle to The Phantom, The Saucepan Man and Lommy; they loaded their crossbows and bowed to Legate.
“Be back before six,” he said, “otherwise you’ll miss lunch.” He chuckled, but The Phantom rolled his eyes.
Hookbill shivered, wrapping his newly acquired cloak around his shoulders and pulling the hood over his already soaked head. Turning to the left, he made a double take at a figure in the distance; he was dressed all in white with a white face mask. When he looked again, the figure was gone.
“What was that?” he asked,
“Oh, probably nothing,” said The Doctor, as if to someone else.
The Penguins marched on up the hill and waved goodbye to the others. Greenie shot down the next hill like a lightning bolt and Lommy followed close after. The Saucepan Man waved as they vanished and then turned to the others. They all nodded and plodded on in the other direction.
The path was broken and dirty; mud slimed over their shoes, slurping as they walked. Thunder rolled overhead, shaking their bones, which was quite painful. The Phantom strode on ahead, the bottoms of his robes were already blackened by the dirt and he hung his head as the rain hurtled down at them.
Over the next hill they crawled, hiding in the long grass. A tall building loomed in the next valley; it bore long glass windows and three stories. One of the rooms at the top was blackened, the windows smashed and flames dancing within. Outside the entrance three Werewolves prowled. The Phantom aimed his crossbow, but The Doctor pushed it down and shook his head. He held up a small, white paper bag and grinned.
The Wolves noticed a bright yellow object. It hit one of them on the nose. Picking it up, the central wolf sniffed it. The shape was like a human child, but no bigger than a pebble, what’s more it seemed to be made of jelly. Several more came raining down. With wide eyes, they began eating them. After one or two each, their heads began to grow heavy; their eyes wandered this way and that. They collapsed in a heap.
“They are vulnerable to Jelly babies?” said Hookbill,
“Sounds like a bit of luck to me!” said The Doctor,
“Sounds like lazy writing to me.”
They slunk past the sleeping Wolves and in through the entrance. The lobby was deserted, the main desk covered with dust and newspapers with graffiti all over them. Hookbill picked one up, ‘Wizard Menaced by Ghost of Ex-Beard’, it read. But over the picture of Narfforc, glasses and a moustache had been drawn in crayon.

“Why can’t we be doing the exciting stuff?” asked Greenie, “It’s just not fair.”
“What do you mean?” Lommy poked her in the stomach, “this IS exciting! Information gathering is an important part of taking down any government.” She adjusted the focus on her binoculars.
The Great Barrow was shrouded in hair. The tendrils flicked this way and that; waving like ghostly hands grappling at the air. Besides that, the place was utterly still. The rumbling thunder continued, louder here, drilling into their Pengish heads. Greenie shivered, sipping some tea from a flask with a picture of Legate’s face stitched on the side. She groaned as the eyes stared out at her.
Fumbling in her pocket, Lommy grasped an old fob watch and opened it up. The time was approaching dawn, even though the skies were still pitch dark. Lifting her head, Lommy’s beak tapped against something in front of her face. It was a metal leg. It belonged to a short bearded figure dragging a large sack up the hill.
“Make yourselves useful,” he said, “grab the other-” he examined the Penguins and closed his mouth with a snap. Stroking his thick beard, the Dwarf groaned and then sat down. “Please don’t kill me,” he said.
Lommy and Greenie turned to one another with raised eyebrows. Lommy nodded at her sister and then winked.
“Alright,” said the Green one, “but you’d better start talking. What’s your name?”
“Groin,” he moped, “Groin Bread Beard.”
Lommy prodded the sack and then pulled it open. She staggered back and held her beak. The stench was like a thousand rotten eggs mixed with the foulest dung available to humanity. It smelt like that because that’s what it was.

The Saucepan Man clattered down the corridor, tiptoeing and leaning against the wall. The others strode along behind with frowns as he kept trying to ‘shush’ them. The Doctor offered The Phantom a Jelly Baby, but he declined because it wasn’t wine flavoured.
On the walls several paintings were hung. There was one of a moustache, one of a beard and another, larger than the others, of a wig. Hookbill scowled at them.
“What have they done with my pictures of stamps?” he cried over the noise of The Saucepan Man, “And my painting of that interesting stone I once found in my bath! They’ll pay for every one!”
The Phantom paced up to The Saucepan Man and tapped him on the shoulder.
“What are we looking for?” he asked,
“Mr Goomba’s Office. I’m not sure where it is.”
“It’s over there,” said Hookbill, “Why didn’t you ask?”
“I just don’t like you.”
“Fair enough.”
They marched down towards the still burning door of Hookbill’s office. Papers, broken pots and a mangled typewriter were scattered on the floor and ceiling. The Saucepan Man held his nose as they stepped over the threshold. Wooden beams were smouldering on the ground at their feet; several things appeared to be moving in the ashes below. There were scratch marks in the walls and the wooden beams, even splats of blood could be seen here and there.
“If the cure is in here,” said Hookbill, “I think I’d have known about it. Besides, if you hadn’t noticed, it has been firebombed."
“And searched, no doubt,” said The Doctor, “see, here’s a note saying they’ve searched the room. ‘Found two bins, three embarrassing photos of The Master, but no cure as yet’… Hmm. Well, that’s encouraging, I suppose.”
“They didn’t know what they were looking for.” The Saucepan Man bent down in the corner and lifted one of the bins, “Here is the cure! In here!”
“You’re a loony.” Said The Phantom, “That’s a bin.”
“Indeed! You see, the complex social-economic system of bacteria and flies was so complex that it was sentient! The bacteria will be able to fight the virus off if we can get enough of them!” he removed the top of the bin and yelped, “It’s gone! Someone has taken all of the rubbish!”
“Yes,” said a voice, “that would have been the cleaners. Now, that is where I may have to take you lot.” Lalwende stepped into the room, tapping her hand with her truncheon, she began to laugh. Around her arm was a long strip of hair, glowing and writing as if it were alive. “The Master will be happy to see your heads on spikes.”

TO BE CONTINUED’ED

Tomorrow's BIG FINALE to The Story so Far will probably be extra long to make up for this one being a little brief. Sorry about that, folks. I've been having some problems with my medication after coming out of hospital so I was pretty much bed ridden today and couldn't write that much...

[Legate of Amon Lanc]

Wow, but this one was no worse than the others, Hook. Sorry, I meant Bill. Hope you're going to feel better, because we're surely looking forward to the big finale (at least I am)! :)

[Eönwë]

Hope you're going to feel better, because we're surely looking forward to the big finale (at least I am)!

Me too!

And quantity is not quality. Its amazing, without needing to be long. They're getting better each day.:D

[THE Ka]

It smelt like that because that’s what it was.

Best simile closer- Ever! :cool:

~ Similes find metonymies boring Ka

[Hookbill the Goomba]

I hope you are all enjoying reading The Story So Far and looking forward to the 100th edition of the paper. Unfortunately I had to go back to hospital today because some nasty side effects of the medication went a little bad. I'm okay now, but bed ridden for a while. The final chapter of The Story So Far is half finished at the moment. If I feel up to it, it will be posted up some time tomorrow along with the 100th paper.

Sorry to make you wait. :(

[Groin Redbeard]

Your health is more important to us Hookbill, get better soon! :)

Bang on job with the story, I'll be up all night trying to guess what is going to happen next!

[Volo]

Your health is more important to us Hookbill, get better soon! :)
Indeed! Don't hurry!

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Lalwende marched forward, bobbing her head from side to side. At the doorway, Davem lent up against the wall and swayed his legs. He pushed his small, circular sunglasses up his nose and grinned. The smouldering fumes from the room hovered just above their ankles, grappling at their feet.
“Ah!" Said The Phantom, “I’m glad you’re here. I’ve caught these fugitives for you.”
“Shut up you!” Lal shoved him backwards, “Now, all of you, out of the window.”
“This window?” asked The Doctor,
“Any window!”
“Perfect! Come on!” He leaped past the two officers closely followed by the others. Lal gave chase while Davem sunk to his knees and began inhaling the smoke.
Hookbill glanced behind. Lalwende was getting closer, with her teeth gripped and her weapon waving in the air. He leaped over the fallen Werewolves who all had jelly babies in their mouths.
The Doctor leaped down the stairs and peered out of the first window. The figure in white waved to him from the top of the next hill.
“Who is that?” asked Hookbill, running into him,
“Doesn’t matter right now,” he mumbled, kicking the window down, “let’s keep escaping!”
They raced along the pathway going north. The Saucepan Man shook his head as he clattered and clanged along the way. The rain was still thick and soup-like. Chicken flavoured, Hookbill noticed. Harsh thunder rattled through the air, accompanied by a small earthquake. The Doctor stopped and listened as an aftershock shuddered through them.
“Ah,” he said, “the epicentre was north… North West.”
“The Great Barrow?” said The Phantom,
“Probably. Shall we go and see?” he grinned and swung his scarf around, whipping Lalwende in the face. She growled and clasped the two of them by the shoulders. Hookbill was already in the mud a few feet behind, groaning. The Saucepan Man was trying to lift the biggest pot off his eyes, but the dents were too tough.
“When I said, ‘Any Window’,” Lal began,
“Oh, you menant from that floor?” The Doctor shook his head and then her hand, “I do beg your pardon. This way is it?” he turned and pointed towards the Newspaper building. As Lal nodded, he strode forward, ripping the hair off her arm in one fell swoop. She cried out and swore at him with strong breaths.
Hookbill peered up and saw the police officer on her knees tending her arm while The Doctor analyzed the hair with his Sonic Screwdriver. There was some mumbling from The Phantom as he kicked over a small bucket close by.
“Just as I thought,” The Doctor turned to the others, “the Virus isn’t a virus after all! It’s living hair!”
“What?” Phantom raised an invisible eyebrow,
“Yes, interesting isn’t it? You see, when our friend, the little man poet, took over the world; he was just doing it for fun. But, if I remember rightly, he was a keen astronomer, who knows what he saw falling from the skies. This kind of living hair exists only on a few planets. And wherever it goes, all other life leaves. Not a pleasant thing by any stretch of the imagination.”
“What does this mean?” asked Hookbill,
“We need to find those bacteria,” he said, “and fast. It could still be the key. You, you’re coming with us.” He picked Lal up and pulled her along. Dazed and wobbling on her feet, she followed.

A flash of lightning wormed through the air as if it were badly constipated. Lommy poked Groin in the stomach with a stick as he fumbled with the sack. The two Penguins tapped their feet with grins. The Dwarf patted down his thick beard and mumbled again and again.
“What’s all this for?” asked Greenie, “What does old Mac want with all this… whatever this is?”
“Oh, well,” Groin scratched his head, “to make explosives.”
“Pardon?”
“This stuff, and the other stuff in the basements, set them alight and BOOM!”
Lommy tilted her head and then chuckled.
“I like this.” She said.

The Great Barrow Itself was no longer a sight to be marvelled at. It hadn’t been since The Barrow Wight’s last party, but it was no better now. The writhing hair twisted and spun around, flicking the air and grappling with the grass. The Doctor grimaced, wiping his brow with a small handkerchief.
Making their way down the hills, the travellers hid behind the Standing Stones, cold and tall. The entrance was down the pathway, but three Werewolves guarded it. Their faces were stern, their eyes bright and their teeth were always on show. The Doctor patted his pockets and frowned. He produced one empty bag of Jelly Babies and tossed it away. The Saucepan Man grinned and stood up.
“Watch and learn,” he said, tossing a pan towards the Wolves.
Two minutes later, they were bound and gagged. The Phantom kicked The Saucepan Man at every opportunity he got. A wolf prodded them with a blunt spear, forcing them down the passageways into the Great Barrow. The hair scuttled across the floor like lines of snakes, feeling the travelers and ticking their toes. Lalwende pulled at her hand ropes, growling at every wolf she saw.
Down, down, down into the deep darkness they were prodded. There was hair all over the walls, fidgeting, fighting and fermenting. Soon enough, there was no light. Even the Werewolves began bashing into one another. They continued on until, at last, they stumbled into a wide chamber. The air was cooler, yet dry, full of a deep musty smell. The floor was carpeted with hair. At the centre of the room rose a small shape, its purple eyes glowing like something purple that glows.
Torches were lit all around the room, the brightness, compared to the dark tunnels, was almost blinding. Macalaure stood up. He was a mass of hair. His beard seemed to have taken over his entire body, flowing over and out into the rest of the building. It moved by itself, turning this way and that, as if looking, or smelling, for something.
He stepped down and wandered towards the travellers, humming and chuckling. He reached out a fury arm and gripped a leaver. When he pulled it, the whole place began to shake, dust fell from the ceiling and the Wolves howled.
“Do you know what I’m going to do?” asked The Master,
“Well,” began The Doctor, but before he could speak any more, there was a brilliant flash of yellow light.

With hasty movements, the two Penguins backed their way out of the cellar leaving a trail of gunpowder. Groin raced on ahead, wiping his brow and saying ‘Oh Dear’ a lot. Once they were out in the open, some feet away from the main bulk of the Great Barrow, Lommy dropped a match on the trail and ran up the next hill.
“How long will it take?” she asked as Groin slipped down beside her,
“Oh, a good few minutes yet.” He replied, “I set a good long-”
The Great Barrow erupted in a mighty flame. Werewolves were flung miles into the air, falling all over the Downs with many a thump. The grass, stone and mud that built the Barrow scattered this way and that, dirtying Legate’s windows for one.
“A few minutes?” Lommy poked Groin in the face, “Dwarves.” She rolled her eyes and got up, dusting her robes down. Greenie trotted forward and hummed.
The Great Barrow was now a large hole, but raised above it was a large metal framework. Its long steel legs dived into the ground from a central point where it bulged out in a fat compartment. Green lights flicked on and off all along the legs and red ones blinked in the central section.
There was some groaning behind them. Turning they saw The Doctor struggling to his feet, flakes of ash all over his scarf. A few feet away, Hookbill and The Saucepan Man lay with The Phantom already sitting on a rock near by.
“Come on,” he said, throwing a rock at The Saucepan Man, “get up. If we survived that, then Mac surely did as well.”
“Look!” cried Greenie.
A short, hairy figure was clambering up the metal legs of the framework. He was grunting and sniggering loud enough for them to hear. The Doctor rushed forward and placed his hand on his forehead.
“Do you know what this is?” he exclaimed as the others caught up, they shook their heads, “It’s an earthquake machine. I’ve never seen one this big before.”
“Yes, Doctor!” shouted Mac, his beard was burning at the edges and he swayed as he stood on top of the machine, “I was going to break Middle Earth in two. I promised half of it to the Daleks, I felt a physical break would be good enough to make the distinction. But now, you’ve depleted the power! All I can do is destroy The Barrow Downs and everything in it!” he flung a large red switch and began laughing, “Goodbye Doctor! Goodbye, everything! This will give me satisfaction!”
“Only as long as those cables hold!” The Doctor dashed towards the metal frame and clambered up. The earth was beginning to shake; the machine struggled into life, firing sharp pulses into the earth.

Lalwende shook the mud out of her hair and stood up. Glancing to the right she saw the metal contraption firing beams of light into the ground. All of a sudden, a hand gripped her on the shoulder. Turning around, she almost fell backwards,
“I thought you were missing?” she said. The figure nodded and ran past.

The Doctor crawled along the scaffolding towards the large black cables fixing the power source. Mac was rushing towards him, but as he got close he tripped up. The Doctor’s scarf was tied across the gangway. Cursing, he flung the scarf back at him. He grappled the Doctor’s legs and tried to throw him off, but he fought back, knocking Mac towards the edge.
All of a sudden, he turned his attention to the control room. With a grin, Mac dashed back and vanished through a small door. A second later, the gangway was moving, tilting upwards. Mac laughed and willed The Doctor to fall.
Gripping onto the side with his bare hands, Volo began to regret the decision to clamber up so high. He swung his scarf towards the cables and pulled himself towards them. Gripping with both hands, he pulled them free. There were sparks as The Doctor swung low on the cable. Mac shouted his annoyance and began to clamber down from the structure. As he reached the bottom, a dart hit him in the neck. Turning he saw the figure of Rikae standing over him with a blow tube in her hand and two raised eyebrows.
But The Doctor’s grip was slipping. He swung towards the metal gangway, but he missed, plummeting down to the earth, flailing his arms and legs as he went. Hitting the ground he felt many things go into places they shouldn’t.

The Penguins dashed forward, followed by the others. Sliding down the crater of The Great Barrow, they made their way to where The Doctor lay. Sitting around him they called to him. For a while he didn’t move even his eyes, but at last he looked up at them and grinned.
“It’s the end,” he said, “but the moment has been prepared for.” He lifted his hand behind his head and pointed at the white figure that was walking towards him slowly. As he came in contact with the Doctor, he seemed to fade into him, as if they were fusing together.
“The watcher!” cried Greenie, “He was the Doctor all along!”
With a flash of light, The Doctor’s face changed, his hair became shorter and his eyes changed colour. Lalwende stood up and turned her back.
“No,” she said, “I’m not having this! The Scarf, the hat, even the Sonic Screwdriver I could just about take, but Regeneration? No, I’m not having it!”
“I suddenly have the urge to play cricket” said The Doctor.

Rikae carried the mumbling Macalaure away from the devastation. They passed the body of a Werewolf. The hair was disappearing, except for on top of its head. Slowly, it became a Barrow Wight again. Rune Son of Bjarne. Mac chuckled to himself and pointed at the Wight.
“He doesn’t has beard.” He managed,
“No,” replied Rikae, “Well spotted.”
“Are you going to bury me?”
“No, I’m going to help you.”
“Good! Let’s have some pizza!”

Brushing the filth off his desk, Hookbill sat on his old chair and smiled at his burning office. He placed his feet up and leaned back. The stench of mouldy bread was becoming more prominent. Opening an eye, he was presented with Workm’n hobbling at the Door with some papers.
“We have the new front page,” he said, “Just like you asked.”
Hookbill took it and frowned at the headline.
“It’s just as true as every other headline,” he mused, “print it up.”

Th’ended

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i291/JoelCornah/Week100.jpg

The Phantom and Alien are annoyed...

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i291/JoelCornah/PandA094.jpg

The Inside Pages...

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i291/JoelCornah/Page2.jpg

[Hookbill the Goomba]

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i291/JoelCornah/Page3.jpg

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i291/JoelCornah/Pageh.jpg

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i291/JoelCornah/Page864.jpg

Thanks must go to Oddwen, Formendacil, Gwathagor and The Elf-Warrior for their stories, poems and film reviews. They were all wondrous!

[THE Ka]

"It's beeftastic!"

Even though beef makes me ill, that was amazing. Rune I don't think we can be friends anymore if you're trying to manipulate my mind with beefy ads. :p

I loved Paper Telephone! Besides, R is there for a reason, R-idiculously Funny!

~ Ka

[Groin Redbeard]

Hookbill, I enjoyed the story right up until the ending, and the articles where hilarious!:D Congratulations on your 100th edition of the Downer! Everyone give Hookbill a rep. for a job well done! ;)

[Oddwen]

Holy beef, that is an effulgence of Rune.

I see, however, that the movie "Paper Telephone" had its foodstuffs supplied by A Little Green Beef. This brings to mind a question consisting of words arranged to say "Green beef? Are seven different poisons any worse?".

This was a wonderful edition nonetheless, well worth waiting a hundred episodes for.

Thank you muchly Hooketybill, for going to such great lengths to amuse us even though your RL is awkward right now.


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v58/Oddwen/firework22.gif

Happy 100th! :D

[Hookbill the Goomba]

I'm afraid that #100 was not the last Downer Newspaper. But I will say that, for a second, I almost concidered it. Then I thought, "What else will I do with my Sunday afternoons?" :D

Special thanks to Diamond for the second story (I had to trim it a little to fit on the page, I hope you don't mind). *thumbs up*

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i291/JoelCornah/Week101.jpg

This week, The Phantom is having money problems... And Alien is... well... Being Alien.

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i291/JoelCornah/PandA095.jpg

[Bêthberry]

This is ridiculous! Those cats were framed, I say, framed! It's the very picture of a mad modernist tendency. I bet it was started by that wild feminist, Germaine Greer. She obviously cannot tell the difference between her pet peacock and the phantom. And you can quote me on this.

PS Nor can I imagine The Squatter succumbing in a mud wrestling event.

Really, where do you get these stories? With such like you are bound to come to the attention of that horrible Murdoch fellow. Careful that he doesn't decide to buy you out and relegate this Squatter fellow to the WWF.

[Diamond18]

Special thanks to Diamond for the second story (I had to trim it a little to fit on the page, I hope you don't mind). *thumbs up*

I protest! Censorship! Editorial, um, cheating! All the best parts have been left out!

:p

Actually it's fine, and the only thing I object to is the "highest bidder" which should say "the phantom." Ha! The public voice WILL be heard!

:Merisu:

- Beef

Why is this my favorite line? :rolleyes:

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Actually it's fine, and the only thing I object to is the "highest bidder" which should say "the phantom." Ha! The public voice WILL be heard!

I felt my change better reflected reality... But as to why that made it into The Downer is anyone's guess... :p

[Groin Redbeard]

Wonderful story, Hookbill! Phantom's story proves that cats are evil! :smokin:

[Morthoron]

Letter to the Editor

Dear Sirses:

We insists you retractses your mention of us as 'Gollum' in your article 'Gollum Stands Trial' (Week #101), my precious. Nas-s-sty word, that is, and we hates it! Makes us look bad a'fore pretrial jury selection, it does *GOLLUM*. P'raps nice editor sends reporter out and chats with us a bitsy, sose we can gets our story out to the presses, eh precious? Our attorneyses at Dewey, Cheatem and Howe says we need something...what's it called? Ah yes...p-u-b-l-i-c-i-t-y. Whatever that is! *GOLLUM* They says for me to say book about Hobbitses gave poor Smeagol a 'bad rap' (and we did get hit on the head many times!), and thief Bagginses wrote slanderseses and lied about us! We hates Bagginses! Curse them!

By calling us Gollum they also says you are P-r-o-p-o-g-a-t-i-n-g A N-e-g-a-t-i-v-e S-t-e-r-e-o-t-y-p-e 'gainst our client (that's us, I think, precious) They use bigs wordsies like that cos' it confoozles us and ev'ryone else (like fat, stupid judgesy). Chestnuts and riddles! We don't go much for them anymore, do we precious? No more crunchable, scrunchable riddles. *GOLLUM*

We thanks you in advances for your cooper-a-shun, we does, precious.

Yours truly,
Smeagol the Stoor
Reformed Addict
and Model Citizen

[TheGreatElvenWarrior]

This is ridiculous! Those cats were framed, I say, framed! It's the very picture of a mad modernist tendency. I bet it was started by that wild feminist, Germaine Greer. She obviously cannot tell the difference between her pet peacock and the phantom. And you can quote me on this. And I quoted you on this!
Gee, Hookbill what do you have against cats? Cats are so freaking AWESOME! But on another note... while I'm off being a teenager, you people go on posting and making good stories and the same rubbish paper that I can't seem to get enough of... and then I go back and read and then I find the Downer and it clearly said it was the last Downer... that frightened me and then I realized that in the story, Hookbill stated that the headline was the same rubbish as always... I had to laugh...

Sorry for my ramble...

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Gee, Hookbill what do you have against cats? Cats are so freaking AWESOME!

I've nothing against cats! Honestly! I used to have an ACE cat called Samwise (at least by me anyway). He died a few years ago, though because he was ill with TB. :(
It's the phantom that has a problem with cats! If you read some early P&As you'll see I had a thing against dogs (what with Alien killing about five in a row). I suspect Mr. phantom is retaliating against this... *shifty eyes*

P.S.

Dear Mr. Smeagol the Stoor

Your complaint has been noted, filed and burned.
Thank you for your contribution. Your opinion is important to us. Please send us your address so we can send you a forest's worth of leaflets for a local Blind Sale.

- Sir John "Sellotape" Harrison,
Head of Downer P-R

[TheGreatElvenWarrior]

I've nothing against cats! Honestly! I used to have an ACE cat called Samwise (at least by me anyway). He died a few years ago, though because he was ill with TB. :(
It's the phantom that has a problem with cats! If you read some early P&As you'll see I had a thing against dogs (what with Alien killing about five in a row). I suspect Mr. phantom is retaliating against this... *shifty eyes*
Oh, I see... I think I read those ones... Anyway, I think I should talk to Phantom about this, I'll have to push him out of the window or something...

[The Might]

Lol, wonderful stuff Hookbill and so really thanks for taking the time to do all of this! :)
But btw, why am I on the newspaper? :D

[Morai]

Anyway, I think I should talk to Phantom about this, I'll have to push him out of the window or something...

Perhaps it's not the cats that should be feared and hated, it's the cat lovers...er likers. :Merisu:

~Cat Lover

[Diamond18]

Perhaps it's not the cats that should be feared and hated, it's the cat lovers...er likers. :Merisu:

~Cat Lover

Finally someone notices the real moral of that story. :p

[the phantom]

Here are most of my cat-related mini headlines. They should give a clear indication on my feelings regarding cats.

**********

Cat's Nine Lives no Match for Shotgun

Study: Cats unable to swim effectively in vat of glue.

Survey: 92% of Downers threw something at a cat today.

Silmarillion Movie: Gelmir to be Played by a Cat

Upswing in Nation's Happiness Linked to Spike in Cat Murders

Study: Why are cats so evil?

"Downer" Accused of Being Anti-Cat: "Ridiculous!" says Hookbill.

Cats Good for Your Health: "But you've got to eat loads of them," say experts.

King Elessar Outlaws Cats: "They shouldn't even exist!"

[Morthoron]

Letter to the Editor

Dear Tom or Queen:

It has come to our attention at the N-A-A-C-P (National Association for the Advancement of Cat Prerogatives) that The Downer has published an incendiary article regarding our feline brethren. Such blatant attacks on the Tabby community has given us paws to consider the fair-mindedness and objectivity of your paper (which when shredded, by the way, makes excellent litter).

Biased and negative reporting could prove catastrophic to the fundraising campaigns of our organization, which yearly gathers over a ton of spare yarn for economically disadvantaged felines in emerging Third World nations, as well as the eco-friendly recycling of sisal mats and rugs for scratch posts, and the tedious task of fitting little silver jingle-bells into plastic golf balls. Our catechism is simple: We are cute, we are cuddly, and you must love us, or we shall shred the arms of your sofa.

In future, we ask that you refrain from the concatenated catalogue of misconceptions and stereotypical connotations that have doggedly followed felinedom. To us, it is a matter of pride.

Sincerely,
Puss-in-Boots
Chaircat, NAACP

Morris
Chaircat Emeritus, NAACP

Felix
Secretary, NAACP

Garfield
Provisioner, NAACP

Tigger, Sylvester, Scratchy, Cat in the Hat, Hello Kitty, Hobbes, Elsa, Pink Panther
National Board of Categorical Imperatives, NAACP

[Hookbill the Goomba]

To the various representatives of the N.A.A.C.P,

We feel it necessary to inform you that the editor of the paper has little or no control over what happens in the world. As a Newspaper we feel it our duty to report on the truth, the whole truth and anything but the truth. Therefore, if cats decide to go on a rampage, we feel the public should know about it. And if we are being paid off by dog companies to stop Alien from getting anywhere near them, so much the better.

Your complaints will be filed in our Iron-filing cabinet and thrown to the lions.

- Sir Alfred "eye disease" Johnson
Head of Downer P-R

P.S. If you object so much, why not write an article about the rabid dogs that are terrorising your back garden right now? (note: please read this after our van has arrived with the dogs)

:p

[Bêthberry]

King Elessar Outlaws Cats: "They shouldn't even exist!"

Poor Aragorn. There he was, at the juncture of the Third and Fourth Ages, and he missed the opportunity to domesticate the species. Left all the glory and fame for said work to the Egyptians at a Latter Age.


It has come to our attention at the N-A-A-C-P (National Association for the Advancement of Cat Prerogatives) that The Downer has published an incendiary article regarding our feline brethren. Such blatant attacks on the Tabby community has given us paws to consider the fair-mindedness and objectivity of your paper (which when shredded, by the way, makes excellent litter). . . .

Sincerely,
Puss-in-Boots
Chaircat, NAACP

Morris
Chaircat Emeritus, NAACP

Felix
Secretary, NAACP

Garfield
Provisioner, NAACP

Tigger, Sylvester, Scratchy, Cat in the Hat, Hello Kitty, Hobbes, Elsa, Pink Panther
National Board of Categorical Imperatives, NAACP


Egads, Sir! You are comedically fearless. I always knew there was something essential missing from Peanuts.

[Groin Redbeard]

I'm with you Phantom! Cats are mean, selfish, and useless addition to any household!

How Dogs think
Wow, sir! You give a home, you give me a bed to sleep in, you feed me whenever I need it, and you love me. Youmust be God!

How Cats think
Wow, sir! You give a home, you give me a bed to sleep in, you feed me whenever I need it, and you love me. I must be God!

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Okay, I'm going to suggest we stop this thread from becoming a cat-dog argument.

Read the intro post to the thread.
http://i25.tinypic.com/2vamqog.jpg

Now, if we could start looking at some NEWS instead, then the squirrels will leave us alone. :cool:

[Diamond18]

The NAACP looked like a worthy cause at first, but then I noticed that Bucky Katt (http://comics.com/comics/getfuzzy/) is not the president, or even a member, which severely damages its credibility in my eyes. As for me and mine (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v226/sarahlitarose/mypippino.jpg), we shall follow Bucky's vision for world domination (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v226/sarahlitarose/getfuzzy200611195199.jpg) through violence and maulings.

In fact, look for more Downer articles in future chronicling our efforts.

[Morthoron]

The NAACP looked like a worthy cause at first, but then I noticed that Bucky Katt (http://comics.com/comics/getfuzzy/) is not the president, or even a member, which severely damages its credibility in my eyes. As for me and mine (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v226/sarahlitarose/mypippino.jpg), we shall follow Bucky's vision for world domination (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v226/sarahlitarose/getfuzzy200611195199.jpg) through violence and maulings.

In fact, look for more Downer articles in future chronicling our efforts.

Bucky Katt was a member of the NAACP up until 2006, at which time he attempted a coup of the organization. Unfortunately, he was thwarted in his ambitions when he made the mistake of letting his dog companion Satchel in on the plot. Satchel, misunderstanding the word 'coup', locked Bucky in a henhouse with a bunch of chickens. He was captured by animal control authorities and sent to the local pound. Paying the penalty for his foiled revolution (as well as being out of the house without a leash or proper license), Bucky was neutered by a nearsighted veterinarian. He hasn't been the same since; in fact, he currently spends most of his time in his plush Hollywood digs eating lasagna with Garfield.

[TheGreatElvenWarrior]

Bucky Katt was a member of the NAACP up until 2006, at which time he attempted a coup of the organization. Unfortunately, he was thwarted in his ambitions when he made the mistake of letting his dog companion Satchel in on the plot. Satchel, misunderstanding the word 'coup', locked Bucky in a henhouse with a bunch of chickens. He was captured by animal control authorities and sent to the local pound. Paying the penalty for his foiled revolution (as well as being out of the house without a leash or proper license), Bucky was neutered by a nearsighted veterinarian. He hasn't been the same since; in fact, he currently spends most of his time in his plush Hollywood digs eating lasagna with Garfield.Poor Bucky!

But anyway, if all of the cat lovers are going to write and article for The Downer, then who's going to do it? Can I tape The Phantom to the wall and let the cats attack?

[Rune Son of Bjarne]

Why am I not mentioned this week?

I hate this newspaper!

[Morthoron]

Why am I not mentioned this week?

I hate this newspaper!

Perhaps you should have mentioned you were playing the part of Rum Tum Tugger in a musical...

http://images.google.com/images?sourceid=navclient&ie=UTF-8&rls=SUNA,SUNA:2006-49,SUNA:en&q=rum+tum+tugger&um=1&sa=X&oi=image_result_group&resnum=1&ct=title

[Nerwen]

Letter to the Editor

Dear Sir/Madam,

I wish to bring to your attention the fact that your article* "Why Are Cats So Evil" falls short of The Downer's usual high standard of journalism by failing to address the wide spectrum of feline morality.

Studies have shown that malevolence is strongly linked to coat-colour. Levels are lowest among dark-coloured or tabby cats** and increase as pigmentation is reduced. Pure evil is found only amongst white cats*** such as the unpleasant specimen in the attached image, pictured while planning its latest world domination attempt.

I trust that future articles will present a more accurate picture of the extensive and completely unbiased research into this vitally important issue.

Yours Sincerely,

Nerwen,
Director,
White Cats Must Die Institute.

*Or headline, whatever.
**Like mine, by a strange coincidence.
***Like my brother's, by an even stranger coincidence.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Why am I not mentioned this week?

I hate this newspaper!

Rune, you didn't get an article this week because of all the money you spent on those ridiculous adverts you insisted we put in-http://i31.tinypic.com/2eyyw43.jpg-to the Newspaper. Honestly, they get in the way a bit. :p

[Rune Son of Bjarne]

Rune, you didn't get an article this week because of all the money you spent on those ridiculous adverts you insisted we put in-

http://i31.tinypic.com/2eyyw43.jpg

-to the Newspaper. Honestly, they get in the way a bit. :p

I thought we agreed that you would not mention the financial side of our agreement?

[Oddwen]

The tear in the eye of the phantom in the last panel broke my heart...

[Groin Redbeard]

Hey, Hookbill! You spelled Mr. Marx's name with a C, it's suppose to be a K! :p:D

[Volo]

Hey, Hookbill! You spelled Mr. Marx's name with a C, it's suppose to be a K! :p:D

Ha! That means Rune's enterprise is a fraud!

[Morthoron]

Rune -- here's a catchy slogan for your next advertisement:

"At Runes', nobody can beat our meat!"

[Rune Son of Bjarne]

I feel that it is my duty to inform you that Hookbill had nothing to do with the wrong spelling of Karl Marx's name.

It was the way I comisioned the advert. . .I thought it would increase my meats apeal to tolkien fans.

You see in the Danish LotR books (Ringenes Herre) names such as Cirdan and Celeborn is spelled Kirdan and Keleborn, this is so in order to make it easier for Danes to understand how it should be pronounced.

I simply figured that by writting Carl Marx rather than Karl Marx it would bring a touch of middle-earth to the product and thus increas the interest from Downers.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Special thanks to TheGreatElvenWarrior for the second story of doom.

Sorry about the main story... I couldn't resist.

http://i31.tinypic.com/15s39tx.jpg

This week, Mr. Phantom reads some disturbing news...

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i291/JoelCornah/PandA096.jpg

Next week, there may be cake... But probably not...

[TheGreatElvenWarrior]

I love it! Alien says all sorts of things to make the Phantom very mad and distressed! How funny. The perfect answer to the question "Was it something I said?"

[satansaloser2005]

Heh. Always a good giggle. Thanks for another great issue, Hookbill. *chuckles*

[Morthoron]

LETTER TO THE EDITOR

Dear Sir, Madam or Cat:

I must protest in the most strenuous possible terms the article entitled 'Cereal Box Discovered Having Affair With Toaster'. The very thought of it is absurd! Look, in my part of the country ready-to-eat breakfast foods do not mingle with electric kitchen utensils. It just is not done! You have gone beyond the bounds of decency reporting an odd bit of decadent, amoral and obviously deviant behavior that is certainly outside the realm of culinary taste.

Oh yes, I can hear the jokes now: 'What, were they caught spooning?' or 'Oh, she was a real Pop-tart alright!' and so on and so forth, thus trivializing the monogamous and God-given commandments rendered unto food groups and their associated utensils. Steak knives cut meat, butter knives butter bread, toasters make toast, bowls and spoons are made for cereal -- this is the bedrock and foundation of a civilized pantry!

What next, electric blenders furtively mixing with salmon? The silver tea set slumming with pork and beans? Bananas lasciviously stripping for the can-opener? It shall be perversion in the pantry! Clammering in the cupboards! Chaos in the kitchen! We shall be knived, scooped and forked before the morning coffee percolates! Cereal killers! Cereal killers and appliance abominations!

Sincerely yours,
Emma Little-Teapot
Short-on-Stout, Harrismehandle, Heresmespout Co.

P.S. Sorry for the outburst. Sometimes I get so steamed up, I just shout.

[Volo]

A modern way of loving one's cat - force-feeding it phantoms.

[Groin Redbeard]

Poor Phantom, he made a simple remark about cats being evil and now everyone is out to get him.:(

That first story was hilarious, Hookbill. Do the Downs always dress their astronauts up like Eskimos?

[TheGreatElvenWarrior]

Poor Phantom, he made a simple remark about cats being evil and now everyone is out to get him.:(

That first story was hilarious, Hookbill. Do the Downs always dress their astronauts up like Eskimos?
Are you out to get the Phantom? Because if you aren't then not everybody is out to get him.

And that picture doesn't look like Eskimos (and if your in Alaska by the way, don't call them Eskimos) The real thing has very colourful clothing. Have you seen the parkas? Very pretty!

And Tea can definitely improve your life!

[Brinniel]

Oh no, my good reputation has been shattered. How did you know I was a drunk? :D

[Groin Redbeard]

And Tea can definitely improve your life!

Coffee anyone?:D


Don't worry Brinniel, we know you weren't drunk, it's Rune that we're worried about.;)

[TheGreatElvenWarrior]

Coffee anyone?:D
C-O-F-F-E-E, Coffee is not for me
It's a drink some people wake up with
That it makes them nervous is no myth
Slaves to a coffee cup,
they can't give coffee up!

I don't like coffee! But I absolutely love tea, that all started when my mom, gramma, my mom's friend and I went for tea in the Empress hotel in Victoria. Before that, I hated tea. But coffee even more so.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

LETTER TO THE EDITOR From,
Emma Little-Teapot
Short-on-Stout, Harrismehandle, Heresmespout Co.

Dear Teapot-type person...

The Downer has noted your complaints and has forwarded them on to a rival newspaper along with four tons of manure. We trust you will find this an appropriate use of your letter and time.
You will be billed for the truck.

Yours etcetera, etcetera,
Sir Donald Deafears

[TheGreatElvenWarrior]

I just now noticed that the Phantom and Alien were on week #96, is there going to be something special for week 100 or is it just going to be another week?

[Hookbill the Goomba]

I just now noticed that the Phantom and Alien were on week #96, is there going to be something special for week 100 or is it just going to be another week?

Plans are being formed in the dark regions of my mind.

[TheGreatElvenWarrior]

Plans are being formed in the dark regions of my mind.
Oh Dear!:eek:

[Lhunardawen]

Yes, yes, Hookbill, I already get it about tea. :p

And the newspaper Phantom was reading tells the truth: stress does cause diarrhea!

[Hookbill the Goomba]

And the newspaper Phantom was reading tells the truth: stress does cause diarrhea!

Really? :eek: Poor Phantom.

Alright, I'm going to reveal a bit about my plans for The Phantom and Alien 100th episode extravaganza! We're not quite sure what form it will take, but we're pretty certain that is' going to be musical. YES! The Phantom and Alien sing a duet! :D
Anyone got any suggestions for a song for them? Nice and ironic, but one they can divide between one another. At the moment, I'm thinking:

Love me do - The Beatles
When I'm Sixty Four - The Beatles
Rocket Man - Elton John
Mad World - Tears For Fears

But we're open to suggestions. What would you like to hear me and my brother singing in stupid voices? :p

[Diamond18]

But we're open to suggestions. What would you like to hear me and my brother singing in stupid voices? :p

When I'm Sixty Four sounds like a good choice.

[Groin Redbeard]

Hmm... I think that the Elton John song would be funny! :D How about these songs?

Take this job and shove it- Johnny Paycheck

The Gambler- Kenny Rogers

Just some good ol' classic, country songs! :cool:

EDIT: I think this post is bad luck, it's my 666th post!!:eek:

[the phantom]

I'd like to hear them do Song 2 by Blur.

[Mithalwen]

Hmm... I think that the Elton John song would be funny! :D How about these songs?

Take this job and shove it- Johnny Paycheck

The Gambler- Kenny Rogers

Just some good ol' classic, country songs! :cool:

EDIT: I think this post is bad luck, it's my 666th post!!:eek:

Certainly is caused me to plug this:
http://forum.barrowdowns.com/showpost.php?p=482474&postcount=280

[Oddwen]

I am of the opinion that "When I'm 64" would work best in with the medium.

[TheGreatElvenWarrior]

Just some good ol' classic, country songs! :cool:I think it would be funny to have them singing Faith Hill and Tim McGraw! (Yes, I do listen to country music)

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Oh my giddy aunt!

Thanks a bundle to Formendacil for writing some stuff...

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i291/JoelCornah/Week103.jpg

This week, The Phantom and Alien are interrupted...

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i291/JoelCornah/PandA097.jpg

[Oddwen]

Aww, you missed the opportunity to tie in both stories with the picture! :(

[TheGreatElvenWarrior]

I was in the Downer, I'm honored! But there's just one problem... I don't remember saying that... I must have done it when I was sleeping... Either that, or the news lied;):p... nah, that never happens.

[Laurinquë]

Really? :eek: Poor Phantom.

Love me do - The Beatles
When I'm Sixty Four - The Beatles
Rocket Man - Elton John
Mad World - Tears For Fears

But we're open to suggestions. What would you like to hear me and my brother singing in stupid voices? :p


Anything with the Beatles! :D

And referring to the leading story, the Barrow-Downs police department seems to be a fun place to be; what does it take to get a position there?

[TheGreatElvenWarrior]

And referring to the leading story, the Barrow-Downs police department seems to be a fun place to be; what does it take to get a position there?I don't think it takes much, considering that Davem is one of the higher ups... By the way, did you read the article that I wrote for last week?

EDIT: Oh and Lauri, I was trying to explain to you what a goomba was, look at the picture. Or alternatively, you could play Mario Kart at my house and I can show you... and play video games at the same time!

[Hookbill the Goomba]

And referring to the leading story, the Barrow-Downs police department seems to be a fun place to be; what does it take to get a position there?

I'm pretty sure Davem just started insisting everyone call him 'officer' one day and we just assumed he was with the police. Turns out he was... the band, The Police, that is.

[Diamond18]

I was in the Downer, I'm honored! But there's just one problem... I don't remember saying that... I must have done it when I was sleeping... Either that, or the news lied;):p... nah, that never happens.

Heh heh... same here.

That was a great article, by the way. Both of them.

[TheGreatElvenWarrior]

I'm pretty sure Davem just started insisting everyone call him 'officer' one day and we just assumed he was with the police. Turns out he was... the band, The Police, that is.Is that how it happened? Are you sure of that?

[Morthoron]

LETTER TO THE EDITOR

Dear Sirs:

I must reverently applaud the latest edition of your paper. Very rarely in this sodden era of quick sound-bytes, media overkill and celebrity sexploitation has a publication presented news with such conciseness and clarity. Your columnists deserve accolades for their perspicacity, keeness of wit and literary flair. Henceforth, I shall get all my news from one and only source: The New York Times.

Oh, wait...I seem to be on the wrong website. Please disregard everything I've said.

Iris Myopia
Plainview, NY USA

[Eönwë]

Aww, you missed the opportunity to tie in both stories with the picture! :(

I thought that too... but I, on the other hand, will only got my news from one source: The Downer.

But, if you have to start paying actual money for the Downer, I'm switching to The Barrow. After all, it's only 7 1/2p

[Bêthberry]

Thanks a bundle to Formendacil for writing some stuff...



What a conundrum! How would one go about repping Mr. Formendacil for his contribution?

[Hookbill the Goomba]

What a conundrum! How would one go about repping Mr. Formendacil for his contribution?

Find a post he's done on this thread? :confused: Or go around to his house and steal his gold, then post it back to him...

[TheGreatElvenWarrior]

The only paper I will ever read is the one, the only, the Downer! :D
The only thing that would stop me is if I had to pay money for it. Then I wouldn't read any news!

[Formendacil]

Find a post he's done on this thread? :confused: Or go around to his house and steal his gold, then post it back to him...

If it's of any assistance, I'll be out of town all weekend, so my lack-of-gold should be relatively unguarded, other than the giant spiders. :p

Glad you enjoyed it.